Parenting Blog

"But what do I do when they jump all over and get too wild?  Last week they broke the lamp and there was glass all over.  I was yelling like a crazy woman.  I don't know which scared them more -- me or the glass." - Camille

"If our kids have become bothersome speed bumps, we need to wake up and pull off the road before we really hurt somebody." -- Scott Cooper

Many parents try so hard to be patient that they let things get out of hand. Then they snap.  Next thing you know, you're yelling and threatening, casting about for an appropriate punishment to teach a lesson.  That's not the emotional regulation you want to model.  And since it sends your child into fight or flight, it doesn't help him learn.  READ POST

"If you entertain thoughts that... your child is manipulating you, taking advantage of you, ignoring you, or disrespecting you -- you will often feel annoyed, irritated, and angry.  However, when instead you think in terms of the needs that you and your child are trying to meet, then you are more likely to feel compassion and connection.  And you are much more likely to take action that contributes to your child's well-being as well as your own."  -- Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hodson

Is your child's behavior irritating you? Whether he's whining, bossy, or defiant, here's why -- what you can do about it.  READ POST

"Dr. Laura, I appreciate all the posts about how to stay calm. They really help.  But what about those times when my kid does something really awful -- and deserves what's coming to him?! Won't he misinterpret it if I stay calm then? How do I teach him a lesson?" -- Claudine

Because we're better parents when we’re calm, my daily inspiration emails lately have focused on mindfulness -- noticing our own moods and emotions, so we have a choice about whether to act on them.

Here's the thing to remember about that choice.  We have to Choose to calm ourselves.  Just like our child has to choose to "act right" when everything in him wants to act "wrong." And it's just as hard.

Claudine is describing how tough it is to choose to give our child what he needs, over giving him what we think he "deserves." But if we're honest, that "giving him what he's got coming" smacks of revenge, not teaching.  READ POST

"Can you give tips on how to stay connected when you feel irritable? There's no yelling going on, but I'm not as respectful as I think I should be." - Katherine

We all have bad days.   As long as you catch yourself, apologize, and don't have them too often, the humans who love you will forgive you.  In fact, the way you handle those small relationship ruptures will teach your child some important lessons about life and love.  READ POST

"Dr. Laura.....I have no idea how to be the parent who doesn’t yell….it is so deeply ingrained into me..."

Not yelling may seem like a miracle, but this is something you can do.  I've seen many, many parents do it.   READ POST

"I love all your advice.  But I find it only works when I can stay calm, which is really hard.  I'm a yeller.  My mother was a yeller. I come from a long line of yellers.  How do I break that cycle?" - Cynthia

"Making yourself accountable to your kids for these kinds of changes is really powerful, for you and for them! It models so much amazing stuff for them (how to set goals, how to do emotional work, etc.) and makes them feel like an important and capable ally in your life. It's not difficult to see how "Hey Billy, can you help me with problem X I am having in my life" translates to "Hey Mom, can you help me with problem Y I am having in my life" in the teen years, and beyond."- Jennifer Dillon

Most parents yell.  We don't even notice ourselves doing it half the time.  Our voice just gets louder and louder.  Or we do know we're doing it, but at that moment, it seems completely justified.  After all, did you SEE what that kid DID?!  READ POST

"Odd as it may seem, children who hit are children who are afraid. The fears that cause trouble for a child who hits usually have their roots in some frightening experience earlier in her life, even though she may not seem frightened at all. To manage her fear, the frightened child develops aggressive behavior that flares any time she feels tense. Instead of crying or saying she feels scared when her fears are triggered, she tightens up, can’t ask for help, and lashes out." -- Patty Wipfler

It's not so easy to feel love in the face of aggression.  We may know intellectually that our child is lashing out because she's overwhelmed or scared, but we still move into "fight or flight" because we feel like it's an emergency.  READ POST