Parenting Blog

"Odd as it may seem, children who hit are children who are afraid. The fears that cause trouble for a child who hits usually have their roots in some frightening experience earlier in her life, even though she may not seem frightened at all. To manage her fear, the frightened child develops aggressive behavior that flares any time she feels tense. Instead of crying or saying she feels scared when her fears are triggered, she tightens up, can’t ask for help, and lashes out." -- Patty Wipfler

It's not so easy to feel love in the face of aggression.  We may know intellectually that our child is lashing out because she's overwhelmed or scared, but we still move into "fight or flight" because we feel like it's an emergency.  READ POST

"Your step by step roleplays are a godsend, I love that you show me exactly what to say, and answer what I'm thinking.  But the hardest thing is still to calm myself down when my boys get wild and my buttons get pushed. I end up screaming despite my best intentions." - Mollie

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen.  When they're finished, I climb out."  -- Erma Bombeck  READ POST

"An angry child is one who is quite frightened and sad underneath her tough stance. However small the issue, she feels that something absolutely vital to her is being threatened, and she has no choice but to fight. She also feels alone. As far as she can tell, no one understands her, no one will come to her rescue, and everyone is out to hurt her. Children naturally lean toward affection and companionship. When you see a child fiercely attacking her loved ones, you can assume that she is sitting on extremely painful feelings. She puts up her guard, daring us to care that she is hurt and needs help." - Patty Wipfler   READ POST

"I'm struggling with my own inability to be present and show empathy to my young children when they are having meltdowns. I want to be able to do this. I know this is the right thing to do. But when the meltdowns start, something in me shifts and all my good intentions fly out the window and I just want to get away from them. I'm not sure how to change this behaviour because it seems so deep-rooted in me."

Who hasn't had a hard time with this?  I know that when my child starts to lose it, something in me wants to scream "No!"   READ POST

"For me the biggest problem still remains my own anger and fear when my boy is crossing the line -- especially regarding safety.  He has hurt me badly so many times. I know that probably he didn't mean it but the pain sometimes brought me to tears. I wish I could remain calm in those kind of situations."
  READ POST

Today is Step 2 of Ten Steps to Unconditional Love: Unconditional love is like a muscle. It needs a daily workout.  READ POST

All kids -- like all humans -- get angry.  Anger is a defense against deeper feelings of fear, hurt, disappointment, and pain.  When those feelings are too devastating, we automatically move into anger to keep ourselves from feeling so much pain.  We mobilize against the perceived threat by attacking. (The best defense is a good offense.)

Sometimes attacking makes sense, but only when there is actually a threat.  That's rare.  Most of the time when kids get angry, they want to attack their little brother (who broke their treasured memento), their parents (who disciplined them "unfairly"), their teacher (who embarrassed them) or the playground bully (who scared them.)

When kids live in a home where anger is handled in a healthy way, they generally learn to manage their anger constructively.  That means:  READ POST