Parenting Blog

“Here’s something that fear will never tell you.  You don’t have to feel this way. Fear only tells you about fight or flight.  It never tells you that the mountain in front of you is of your own making.” -- Guy Finley  READ POST

"If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far." --Daniel Goleman
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"The achievement of your goal is assured the moment you commit yourself to it." -- Mack R. Douglas

"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there."-- Bo Jackson

"It is possible to act a little nicer than you feel, but not much." -- Nancy Samalin

Next time your kid is pushing your buttons and driving you crazy, try committing yourself.  No, not to a mental institution.  To being a parent who doesn't yell.

Research shows that when we consciously, verbally "commit" ourselves to a course of action we're likely to achieve it, especially if we work at it daily.  By contrast, simply "wishing" something would be different, or even "regretting" things we've done, doesn't usually change a thing.

So if you want to be a parent who doesn't yell, start today.  Commit yourself.  And then watch how resourceful you become in meeting your goal.

Step One? Notice that by the time you're losing it, not yelling is only possible if you bite your tongue so hard you give yourself a piercing.  That's not what I recommend.  You can't act much nicer than you feel.  So after you commit yourself, the first step in becoming a parent who doesn't yell is taking care of yourself. 

What can you do to take care of yourself today, so you feel happier and less stressed?  Can you do it right now? If not now, when?  READ POST

"Dr. Laura, I appreciate all the emails about how to stay calm and inspired. I find they really help.  But what about those times when my kid does something really awful -- and deserves what's coming to him?! Won't he misinterpret it if I stay calm then? How do I teach him a lesson?" -- Claudine

Now, because we do a better job when we’re calm, rather than frazzled, I do talk a lot in my daily inspiration emails about how to manage our own moods and emotions. I tell parents that we need to take care of ourselves so we have something inside to give our kids.

But this letter made me realize a basic fact about human emotion.  When we’re right, and the other person is wrong – and let’s assume for a moment that in this case, this is a fact, not just our opinion --- we WANT to let the other person know that. If they blew it, did something awful, don’t they deserve what’s coming?  And if it’s our kid, it’s our job to teach them. Shouldn’t we be showing them how upset we are? How else will they learn their lesson?  

Well, let’s double click on this.  Maybe we should start by thinking about how people learn lessons. What happens when you really blow it?  Let’s say you get a parking ticket. Or somehow lose your credit card as I did this week.  Or forget something really important at work, that endangers your job.  Does it help when your spouse or boss yells at you?

If you're intent on punishing your child, you'll be interested to know that research shows kids don't behave better when they're yelled at or punished.  Like the rest of us, kids who feel threatened go into "fight" or "flight" mode. Learning shuts off. Eventually, if it becomes a regular occurrence, they develop new negative behaviors -- lying, sneakiness, tuning us out, disrespect. So when we yell at or punish kids, we don't prevent a recurrence of the behavior.  In fact, we lose influence with our child.

I'm not suggesting you just let your kid continue doing whatever is driving you crazy.  I'm suggesting you adopt a strategy that will actually change his behavior.  I know it isn't as satisfying as yelling when you're angry.  But long term, it's a lot more gratifying in every way.

So, (you guessed it!) start by calming yourself down.  Then:

1. Meet your child's deeper needs. All behavior comes from the attempt to meet basic needs. What's causing this problem behavior? Is it a need for more connection from us?  More control over his life?  More recognition?  A more orderly, peaceful home? Clear limits? More sleep?

2. Help your child develop a competing impulse. For instance, If she wants to clobber her little brother, strengthen their relationship so she feels more protective of him.  (And in the meantime, be aware that pediatricians say never to leave a child under the age of five alone with a little one.) If she lies to you, explain that every lie cuts a cord in her relationship to you.  (See how much more effective these strategies are than yelling?)

3. Help your child develop a new habit. If you want her to remember something, whether it's her jacket at a friend's house or brushing her teeth, adopt routines to insure she develops the habit.

4. Work with your child to find a win/win solution. This is where you get your own need met, for something to be different. Tell your child his action upset you and you want to work together to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's the recurring problems that most often push us to the breaking point, so it's worth solving them. And the only kind of solution that reliably lasts between humans is one that meets the needs of both people.  No, you're not giving in. You're not backing off your own need, remember?  You’re getting your own need met, AND teaching your child how to have a good relationship with another person – by finding win/win solutions.

5. Wait.  Most problem behavior, from dumping his milk on the floor to missing curfew, is age-appropriate.  You'll be pleased to know that by next year he'll have outgrown whatever problem behavior is driving you crazy -- and will have found several new ones!

It's fine to show our kids we’re upset, as long as we don't attack them.  But instead of modeling temper tantrums, we can model healthy emotional self-management.  Rather than railing against our kid, we take responsibility as the grown up.  We work with our kid to solve the problem. Yes, our kid learns lessons -- the most important ones!  That’s the kind of parenting all kids deserve.  READ POST

"Make a habit of bringing your awareness to your breathing frequently throughout your day. Our breath connects us to feelings of peace and contentment. Take a minute to deepen your breath from shallow, tense chest breathing to relaxed, deep belly breathing. When you feel totally overwhelmed, stop whatever you're doing, close your eyes if possible, take three deep breaths, and let your body and mind relax." -- Jan Marie Dore

It's impossible to be a relaxed, loving parent when you're tense.  But life with children is full of triggers that make us tense.

Of course, those triggers, be they tantrums or traffic jams, don't actually make us tense. We make ourselves tense in response to them. It's a choice.  Believe it or not, it's entirely possible to breathe deeply and feel relaxed during a traffic jam -- or even a tantrum.

The easiest way to remind yourself to let go of tension is to breathe.  Just breathe.  It brings us back into our body, back into the present moment, back into balance.  Back into a choice about how we respond.

Today, stop and breathe throughout your day.  Every time you're upset. When you find yourself in traffic.  When anyone in your house begins a meltdown. (Especially you.)

Breathing seems so simple you may find it hard to believe its power.  But as Sam I Am said about Green Eggs and Ham, "Try it, try it, and you may!"   READ POST

"Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life."
-- Maureen Hawkins

When my son was born, I spent the whole night gazing at him and making promises.  The next morning, I couldn't believe that the hospital let us take him home.  Zero supervision, zero training, just two completely inexperienced parents and this tiny, fragile, brand new person.

Such an enormous responsibility, so little preparation, so few answers, such high stakes.  The sheer impossibility of our task is what makes parents so critical of each other.  We need desperately to believe we have done, are doing, the right thing.

Of course, there are no perfect parents.  I broke many of those promises to my son.  Some of them wouldn't have been good for him, but some I broke simply because I'm human.  The miracle is that most of the time, love carries us through, and our kids come out fine.

What about those times when you can't find your love, when you just feel angry and resentful and like giving up? That's human too.  The secret is that the love didn't vanish.  It's still there, under the anger.  If you can find a way to take care of yourself, so you're willing to let go of the anger, love will still carry you through.  But you're the parent, so you have to lead the way back to love.  That's the promise we all make when we bring a child into the world.  READ POST

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well” -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross  READ POST