"I've been very careful to
not use bribery with my child, but there have been times when I've said
'If we all get buckled into the car, we can have time for a book before
we eat lunch'... or something like that, and I've wondered if I had just
used bribery. What's the difference between bribery and helping them to
move towards the next thing with a little incentive?" - Julie
It's a well-accepted tenet of parenting that bribes are a bad idea, used only by desperate parents. But why do "experts" always give this advice? READ POST
“Why do you want your child to hurry up? Because you're done and figure he’s had long enough to finish? ... If you are constantly rushing from one place to the next (doctor’s appointment, haircut, playgroup, music lessons) have you taken on too much? Should you plan more downtime in your schedule so you have more time to be patient? More time for play and cuddles?” - PhdinParenting
Now that kids are back in school and activities, are you noticing that life is too busy? Most of us find it wears on us, but we take it for granted that we're always rushing from one thing to the next. That we have a never-ending to-do list that keeps us from catching our breath, never mind catching a sunset together.
But it costs us. And it costs our kids even more. Our society is so hooked on adrenalin that we don't acknowledge the high price we, and our children, pay for our lifestyle. There's nothing wrong with rushing once in a while. But rushing our children through life: READ POST
“When they were fighting over ownership of something I would say ‘Jacob, say... ‘Excuse me Sarah, when you're finished may I have a turn please?’’ and then wait for him to repeat my words. And then I would turn to Sarah and say ‘Sarah, say... ‘Sure, Jacob.’ I did this many, many, many times and then one day to my delight I was cooking dinner and overheard them use these exact words unprompted to resolve an issue... It was a proud moment : )” – Deanne
How do children learn social and emotional intelligence skills? Practice, practice, practice. Parents have to explain, model, and repeat themselves, over and over. It can seem endless. But there are ways to help children learn faster, by taking advantage of the problems that come up in every family on a daily basis. Next time there's a problem, think of it as a teachable moment. READ POST
"Dr. Laura...How should I respond when he yells 'You're not the boss of me!'?" -- Ariel
Defiance. It's guaranteed to push a parent's buttons. After all, we're supposed to be in charge, right? Defiance rubs our nose in the fact that we can't really control another person, whether he's three or thirteen, unless we use force.
Unfortunately, since force creates resistance, either openly or in a passive-aggressive form, it's ultimately a losing strategy. (You might win the battle, but you'll lose the war.)
When we overreact to defiance we escalate the battle. Often, the result is kids who have problems with authority--either they're always in fights, or they can't stand up for themselves.
So what can a parent do about defiance? READ POST
"Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything; that's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen
Imagine that guilt is like a red light blinking on your dashboard. When you see it, you:
a) Redouble your efforts to attain perfection, even if it’s giving you a headache.
b) Flog yourself.
c) Pull out the wire so it stops blinking, and go have a drink.
d) Thank the guilt and tell it to take a break. Then use the opportunity to check in: Instead of berating yourself, how could you support yourself to be the parent you want your kids to have, while at the same time being kind to yourself? READ POST
"Today I will let myself feel what I am feeling and let my children feel what they are feeling....I'll pay attention to what each of us is feeling and give those feelings some respect and space. There's nothing so bad about them; they are only feelings and need not threaten me." -- Tian Dayton
Are your feelings dangerous? Never. But most of us are afraid of our strong feelings. And we're afraid of our children's emotions. Why?
Because the power of our emotions can be overwhelming. We all know what it feels like to want to hit someone. And so often when we act on our feelings, we do things we're sorry for later, whether that's smacking our child, screaming something hurtful at our spouse, or throwing a "tantrum" at the office.
But it isn't the feelings that are dangerous. What's dangerous is acting on them. READ POST
"Sending children away to get control of their anger perpetuates the feeling of 'badness" inside them...Chances are they were already feeling not very good about themselves before the outburst and the isolation just serves to confirm in their own minds that they were right." -- Otto Weininger,Ph.D. Time-In Parenting
When our kids get angry, it pushes buttons for most of us. We're not perfect, but we try to be loving parents. Why is our child lashing out like this?
Many parents send an angry child to her room to "calm down." After all, what else can we do? We certainly can't reason with her when she's furious. It's no time to teach lessons or ask for an apology. She needs to calm down.
If we send him to his room, he will indeed calm down, eventually. He'll also have gotten a clear message that his anger is unacceptable, and that he's on his own when it comes to managing his big scary feelings--we don't know how to help him. He won't have worked through whatever led to his anger. Instead, he'll have stuffed the anger, so it's no longer under conscious control, and will burst out again soon. No wonder so many of us develop anger-management issues, whether that means we yell at our kids, throw tantrums with our spouse, or overeat to avoid acknowledging angry feelings.
What can we do instead? We can help our kids learn to manage their anger responsibly. That begins with accepting anger -- without acting on it. READ POST