Parenting Blog

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares". --Henri Nouwen

So often when our child is having a hard time, it's unbearable to us.  We'll do anything to stop it, including trying to argue our child out of his feelings ("Don't be a baby!"), dictating a solution, stepping in to fix things, or giving in to a request we don't feel good about.

But none of these responses help our child learn to handle her emotions, or her life.  Our job is to manage our own feelings so we can tolerate being present with our child’s raw emotions.  Just having mom or dad acknowledge her disappointment or hurt gives our child the courage to go under her anger, feel the pain, and begin to heal. Only then can we help her brainstorm a win-win solution, if indeed that's appropriate.

Next time your child is upset, remember that he's allowed to have those feelings.  You don’t have to fix anything. Just show up and be fully present.  Think of yourself as a witness who understands your child's pain, but sees the bigger picture and offers hope for a brighter future.