Parenting Blog

Guest Blog by Lisa Stroyan

founder of Empathic Parenting

(first published by North Star Family Matters Magazine)

One day, my five-year-old son said something I never expected to hear.  “But, Mom, can't I keep playing next to you instead of watching a video?  Cleaning is more fun…” 

What?  Did he just say cleaning is fun??  One of my inherited, unconscious beliefs was that some things in life (like cleaning) are boring and children just have to learn to do the boring things in order to get to the "good" stuff (the corollary being that it is the parent’s job to make them do "boring" stuff in order to teach this lesson.)    

Of course, all children encounter situations that aren’t necessarily fun, and they need to be able to handle them, but no longer do I believe that it is my duty to provide the “boring stuff”. I want him to make the best out of life, instead of viewing it as a chore.  In fact, one of the key things I learned as a stay-at-home mom is how to keep life fun—even while changing a diaper or mopping the floor! 

Now, I teach my child to make the best out of each situation.  And indeed, as he has gotten older, the chores that used to be problematic (getting dressed, getting out the door, brushing teeth, etc.) are now, for the most part, routine and struggle-free.

Playfulness is an appropriate and helpful tool, even when (or especially when!) children "misbehave."  In his book, Playful Parenting, Lawrence J. Cohen writes, "being playful is not about rewards/punishment, but about restoring the ingredient that was missing in the first place—connection."  This book describes the value of using play to help us reconnect with our children in a variety of situations.  

Occasionally, playfulness turns into competition.  Cohen points out that children get enough experience about losing out in the real world.  We do them a favor by letting them win in their early games with us; their self-confidence and sense of personal power are enhanced when they learn to lead the way.  When more than one child is involved, having the children team up and win “against” the adult will encourage cooperation. As they get older, if we listen and trust them, we will hear whether they need a "win" or a challenge.  

Over the years, our family has developed many ways to cooperate and connect using play.  Here are some of our favorites, many of which my son created.  Modify them to fit your situation and have fun with your children creating new ones!

“Relay-Race” Jammies-  A child takes off one piece of clothing, runs to another room, and touches a certain spot; then runs back, takes off the next item or puts on the next bed-time item, and then repeats until dressed.  This gets out the evening energy and takes the focus off of “getting ready for bed.”  Be sure to follow with a calming activity such as reading bedtime stories.

Airplane
This is a great solution to seatbelt wars and can get you out the door on time, without a struggle.  Pretend you are going on an airplane.  Start by playing the flight attendant, saying, "Flight 1234 will begin boarding in 5 minutes.  Please collect your baggage and proceed to the gate.“  And, later, “All ticketed passengers should now be on board.”  Once in the "airplane" the flight attendant asks all passengers to make sure their seatbelts are buckled "low and tight across their laps," etc.  You can "prepare for takeoff" on the driveway and off you fly. 

Code Red Alert!
“Code Red Alert!” is only used when you’re in a rush; this keeps the preparations fun.  Either the child or parent "rings the bell" to signal an emergency.  Then see how fast the kids can get into their clothes, or get into the car to leave.  Only use this one when you are almost ready to go (no-one stops to run the dishwasher in an emergency!) and make sure that everyone knows the differences between this and real thing.  

Surprise Me
My son invented this game.  The parent expresses doubt that the child is able to do something easy and then acts surprised when it happens.  Use this one only if it gets your child giggling so you know they are in on the game and so as not to use it manipulatively.  A variation of this is to act surprised that something has changed, e.g., "Now how did that plate get from the table to the counter?”

Time-It
Run a stopwatch to see how long it takes your children to do a task, e..g, cleaning up all the toys.  Instead of comparing to last time, just say, "Wow—3 minutes and 9 seconds!”  Or, agree to see how many toys you can pick up together in a certain amount of time or until a particular piece of music ends.  When the timer goes off, you’re done picking up, even if some toys are still left.  Make sure that the tasks are short enough that your kids can stay focused and engaged.  Both of these games help kids gain a sense of time and responsibility.

Let's Race!
This is a great game for getting dressed.  Race your child to see who gets dressed first, or let him try to get dressed before you finish something, such as making breakfast.  When more than one child is involved, have the children team up and help each other.

The "Can-Do Team"
This idea came from a working mom with three children.  When her husband travels, it's hard to get all three kids out the door, dinner made, everyone to bed, etc.  The idea is to tell your kids, "We can do it together, because we're a 'Can-Do Team!”  Let your kids help each other get dressed, brush teeth, get breakfast, pack backpacks, and load the car while you cheer them on.  Encourage each of them to communicate with each other to figure out when and where help is needed.  Everything is a team effort with all parties sharing ideas and suggestions on how to get something done.  When something breaks down, everyone stops what they're doing and problem-solves the breakdown.  You might even have them pick an actual team name ("Fireballs," "Eagles," "Howling Wolves," or…)   "Can-Do Team, let's make dinner!  What are we having?” (Let them create a menu).  “Can-Do team, who's setting the table?  Ready?!?  Go!"

Top-to-Bottom Cleanup
Have you ever noticed how it is more fun to do someone else's work than your own?  In this game, work together to clean the house, without attention to who made the mess.   Take a laundry basket with you to put items that belong in other rooms, and ask your child to "drive" it from room to room,  putting things away as you travel.  Use your imagination – e.g., the laundry basket can be a dumptruck and the vacuum can be a bulldozer.  This game also offers an opportunity to talk about how nice it feels when rooms are clean and how great it feels to work together.  

Drop us a note with ideas you've used successfully to "Make It Fun" with your kids.

Lisa Stroyan, founder of Empathic Discipline, is a parenting facilitator, writer, and coach.  She empowers parents across the country to create positive and respectful relationships with their children.  You can find her on the web at www.empathic-discipline.com.  

Copyright 2003 Lisa Stroyan