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"You frequently mention "setting limits" and I am
wondering if you can elaborate. I feel like I am not good at setting
limits and my children (ages 3 and 5) probably feel like I am
unpredictable with what I allow and what sets me off." -- Aurora
"Together with intelligence, self-control turns
out to be the best predictor of a successful and satisfying life." -
Steven Pinker
I do talk a lot about setting empathic limits, because research shows that kids who receive high levels of support along with empathic limits from their parents develop more self-control and self-discipline.
All parents have a critical responsibility to teach and guide their young. Only by that encounter with a limit do young humans learn what is appropriate, what is acceptable, what is possible. And from those encounters, we develop the muscle to regulate our own feelings, desires and actions.
But punitive limits, including "consequences," don't help us learn to self-regulate. And permissiveness -- indulging our child's desire when it's not for her highest good-- doesn't either. The magic is when the parent sets a limit for the child's highest good, and then regulates her own emotions so she can help the child weather his disappointment. That's how he can eventually accept and internalize the limit. He learns to live with other people, and with himself.
What exactly does "setting limits" mean? It means informing our child of a rule or expectation.
"Streets are dangerous. You need to hold my hand or let me carry you. You can run by yourself again on the other side of the street."
"I see you're so mad at your brother. You can be as mad as you want, but people are not for hitting. Come, let's tell your brother how mad you are. I'll help you."
"Homework comes right after snack. You can play (or Facebook) once homework is complete, all the way until I call you for dinner."
If a limit is worth setting, it's worth being consistent about. There may be times when a new limit is necessary: "I have a headache and I can't handle noise right now" but in general your child should not be surprised by what you allow. Every household has different priorities; mine are Safety & Health, Respectful Relationships, and Values (including academic responsibilities.) Neatness and noise, not so much.
Why do you have to prioritize? Because your relationship with your child needs to be more about connection and discovery than about limits and frustration. Saying No too often undermines your relationship.
Are you wondering, "But what if I set a limit and my child ignores it?" Great question. This is where most of us stumble.
1. Be sure your limit is reasonable. Sometimes when we listen to our child, we learn something important that helps us re-evaluate our limit. Maybe your child is ready to walk across the street without holding your hand? Or maybe she's ready to hold onto your bag instead of holding your hand, so she feels a bit more autonomous?
2. If your limit is essential to you, insist on it. If you let your child put off homework today, naturally he'll want to do the same tomorrow. Permissiveness, meaning backing off your limit, doesn't serve your child. It's their job to test the limits; how else will they know where they really are? If you say Maybe, naturally he'll keep pushing. If you're clear about your limit, your child has the freedom to rail against the limit, to cry and grieve about it, and finally to accept it and move on to a better solution for everyone.
3. Empathize. Acknowledge her perspective: "You wish you could stay up later." Your child may well cry and rage. She has to do what you ask, but she's allowed to have her feelings about it. Your goal is to stay firm about your limit while empathizing with the feelings. Sometimes kids know we're right, but they still need us to understand their big feelings about the issue.
4. Manage your own emotions so you can stay calm and kind. Resist the temptation to be punitive in any way. Kindly, calmly, insisting on the limit teaches the lesson. Anything more backfires. If you insist angrily, naturally your child will resist. Kids accept, and even adopt, our expectations when we regulate our own emotions and support our child as he struggles to manage his. Find a way to support him so he can work with you: "You're so disappointed that we have to go home now. It wasn't enough for you that I gave you a ten minute warning; it's still hard to leave. Let's find a way to make it a little easier. Do you want to skip putting on your shoes, and we'll just bring them in the car?"
Is there ever a transgression that deserves punishment? No. The bigger the transgression, the bigger the disconnection your child is feeling, and the more help he needs from you to resolve what's eating at him inside. However, there might well be a need for repair of a relationship or replacement of something damaged. Helping your child find that solution empowers him, but only once he's calm and can choose it himself.
5. Maintain a strong emotional bond and make sure your child knows you're on her side. If she experiences you as sabotaging her happiness by creating frustrations, or arbitrary or unfair limits, she won’t accept your attempts to empathize. But if your child experiences you as looking out for her best interests, and--when you can-- her happiness, she'll accept your empathy, which will help her accept your limit, and internalize it as her own limit.
Now you have a child who uses her words instead of her fists, does her homework before Facebooking, and regulates her own emotions-- just from setting empathic limits!
When we set limits empathically, from a foundation of connection, our kids internalize the ability to set limits for themselves, which is otherwise known as self-discipline. And that's it-- you've found the holy grail of parenting!
For more on Setting Limits, see How to Set Effective Limits for Your Child.
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need is, but what if they really cross a line? Yesterday my 3-yr-old threw a book because he got mad. It hit my husband in the eye & cut his skin--yikes! I removed him from the room, told him that was not allowed ever & put him in a thinking spot. Yes? No?
The problem with removing a child to a thinking spot and leaving him alone there is that it doesn't help him with the feelings that drove him to throw the book to begin with. Under aggression you will almost always find fear. Every small person has fears we
can't even imagine. A 3 year old who is grappling with fear may well get enraged about something, and might well throw whatever is at hand. That's normal behavior, although of course it can be dangerous, as your son just learned, and of course we tell him
that throwing things at people is not allowed, ever, just as you did. But your son knows by now (and certainly after hurting his dad) that throwing hurts. What he needs is help from you to manage the feelings that drive him to throw, even though he knows it
hurts.
I'm wondering what happened inside your son once he was in the thinking spot. If I were him I would have felt very afraid for my father, worried that I was a terrible person who was capable of horrific harm, unable to control myself, so bad I had to be removed
and could not even make up with my Dad. I would see myself as so powerful that I could bloody my invincible father, which would be a terrifying idea. That shame and fear would be so much that I might well push it away (as we all do with those uncomfortable
feelings) by getting angry. I might well sit there justifying what I had done, telling myself why I was right.
That's what any normal kid does in timeout. They don't sit there determining to become a better person, and even if they do, the result is to stuff the feelings that led them to lash out to begin with. And now there is an extra overlay of shame and fear. Next
time, he might find himself even less likely to manage these feelings. OR, he may manage them in relation to his dad, but may begin to act out in other ways, like fighting with his brother, peeing all over the house or having nightmares.
What if, instead, you immediately tended to the person who is hurt, which gives the message to your child that it's a big deal. You even let him help. Hopefully, the focus on his father would be enough to shift him out of his big feelings and into concern for
his Dad. "Oh, my! Your dad is hurt. Sweetie, go get a washcloth and let's help your dad." That moves him to be part of the solution, and helps him WANT to control himself better next time so as not to create the problem.
And once your husband is ok, you take a deep breath so you aren't acting out of anger. You remind yourself that you are helping your son with his feelings, not punishing him, because that is what will best prevent this from happening again. You gather your
son to you, very seriously and kindly, look him in the eye, and say: "Books are not for throwing. That really hurt Daddy, didn't it?" Your son will most likely burst into tears, which releases all the turmoil going on. You say "You were mad, so you threw the
book, but that really hurt Daddy. That was scary. Daddy will be ok, but that's why we don't throw things at people." You let him cry in your arms.
After he's calm, you ask him what he could do to make Daddy feel better. You give him a chance to redeem himself, to become a good person in his own mind, the kind of person who is able to control his anger so he doesn't hurt other people. This transformation
would be unlikely if he were removed to the thinking spot, because he would sit there removed like a criminal, hardening his heart. But he has been in the middle of the emergency, as one of the helpers, so his heart is open. He feels your kindness, and also
your firmness. He feels safe to show you all the fear behind his anger. Once he expresses all those feelings, they evaporate, and stop driving his behavior. So now he has learned the lesson that throwing hurts people. But instead of an overlay of shame and
fear, he has become empowered to make reparations. Instead of seeing himself as bad, he sees himself as someone who is capable of very harmful acts but who also is capable of making things better.
And he has learned that feelings don't have to be an emergency if you don't act on them, that he can come to you for help with his feelings. Here's a whole article about Timeouts that you might find useful: http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts
I hope this is helpful!
(who has just turned 1 yr) is starting to hit and kick, thinking it's funny and the way to handle her emotions now. So, this is getting really out of hand. We have been consistently telling my 2 yr old since she was about 10 months old (when it all started)
that hitting is not nice. We have tried everything.........held her hand and say, "NO!". We've said, "OUCH, that hurts mommy/daddy! That's not nice!"....we've given her timeouts in the naughtey chair, sent her to her room when she really hit too hard. After
reading finding your website and reading alot of your articles I have tried to empathize with her........"I know your not happy with your sister, but we don't hit, its not nice to hit and it really hurts, why don't you come and tell mommy when Alyssa gets
you mad or tell mommy that you're really mad." BUT, she still hits and kicks and pushes her sister. She sometimes tells mommy she was mad and that's why she's hitting, but she still thinks it's funny (I think) to hit her sister. Especially when she's left
alone with her for a little while. WE are soo frustrated by this whole thing. I just keep trying to be consistent but it's really frustrating and I don't want her going to school and still be hitting out of anger.