Parenting Blog

"Every moment of every day, your children are doing their best to meet their needs -- the same needs that you have.  With this understanding of behavior, habits of judging kids' actions will naturally give way to respectful understanding and compassion."  -- Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle Hodson

Step Six of Ten Steps to Heal Your Ability to Love Unconditionally is:

Notice that under your child's undesirable behavior there is always a reason, an upset feeling or unmet need.  (It may not be what you consider a good reason, but there's a reason.)  Address that underlying reason, not the behavior.

Did he hit his little sister?  Did she scream "I hate you!" and slam the door? Did he throw a toy at your head?  Did she throw a fit in the restaurant?

It's hard to feel love for our kids when they're driving us crazy.  Of course, we know we love them, or we wouldn't be so upset.  But if you ask the kid, he or she doesn't feel loved at that moment.  Unconditional love isn't just what we feel.  It's what the object of our love feels: love without conditions.

"Of course!" we might say.  "We WANT her to know how mad we are!!  She can feel our love later!"

But the truth is, when kids act out, they're telling us -- in the only way they can at that moment -- that they need our help.  If we can overlook -- just for the moment -- their behavior, and instead address what's driving it, we can give them the tools to avoid scenes like this in the future.  That's how kids learn to manage their emotions so they can manage their behavior.

How?

1. Intervene only if urgently required (for instance, remove little sister from the path of big brother and comfort her, or pick up our child and leave the restaurant.)

2. Ignore our child while we take a minute to breathe and calm ourselves. Consider our child's deeper needs.  Is she exhausted or hungry? Does he need our help to handle those big angry feelings?

3. Reconnect with our child and invite him or her to trust us with the deeper feelings driving the behavior:  “You know we don’t hit (throw things) (yell) in this family. You must be very upset. What’s going on, Sweetie?”

4. Love your child through his upset. Listen. Breathe. Teach emotional intelligence (EQ), for instance, if your child verbalizes feelings, reflect them: "She knocked over your tower again and you worked so hard on it, you're mad!"  "You're so disappointed that we can't stay and have dessert at the restaurant, huh?"  Remember, empathizing with his anger doesn't mean you endorse his hitting.  And acknowledging her strategy for meeting her need doesn't mean you have to meet her need in the way she's asking.  For instance, some sweetness from you might meet the same need as that dessert. (Don't be surprised if you end up with a child sobbing in your arms about what’s really wrong, and then thanking you.)

5. Later, when everyone is calm, reinforce any limits as necessary and talk about other ways to handle the situation: “I know it’s hard to stay calm when your sister knocks over your tower, but you know we don't hit in this family. Next time, what will you do instead of hitting her?” 

If you make a habit of this, your child's behavior will improve dramatically, along with his EQ -- and his feeling that he's well and truly loved, unconditionally.