Parenting Blog

"The building blocks of connection are the small overtures, or bids for attention, that we make to each other every day...and the way our loved ones respond." -- John Gottman

Today we're exploring the third commitment of "10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!":

Commit to staying connected.

Connection is your secret weapon in raising happy, cooperative kids. 

It's the glue that holds families together, that binds us over the years and across the miles, that gets us through the hard times. If you're working so hard you can't relax and take delight in your kids, you're missing out on the grease that smooths the rough interactions of everyday life -- and the honey that makes it all worth it.

Children NEED to feel a solid bond with parents who delight in them, just like they need food. That bond is what allows kids to learn so quickly, to risk bumps, scrapes and hurt feelings -- the security of knowing that someone who adores them is watching out for them. Kids naturally want to please those who love them, and when they don't feel a strong adoring adult presence in their lives, they don't behave.

Unfortunately, separation happens. Jobs, school, technology, exhaustion and the responsibility to keep our kids moving through busy schedules conspire to keep us from deeply connecting. Researchers repeatedly find that most parent-child communication is directive, rather than connective. And if we don't cement a close connection before our kids are twelve, they turn elsewhere to bond. It's not too late after that -- and connecting is still critical -- but it's a lot harder to get teens to let us in.

That’s why all parents need to reconnect with their children daily, just to repair the erosion created by life’s normal distractions. When you recollect your child physically into your orbit, focus on recollecting them emotionally as well. Effective parenting is almost impossible until the positive connection with your child has been re-established, so think of this as preventive maintenance, before there’s a problem. Here's how:

1. Remember that quality time is about connection, so it’s mostly unstructured.  Forget about teaching. Just be fully present with your child. Relax, reflect, play, love. Think of quality time as your kid's time, and follow his or her lead.

2. Hug your child first thing every morning and when you say goodbye.

3. When you’re reunited later in the day, spend fifteen minutes solely focused on your child. (What do you do in that 15 minutes? Listen, commiserate, hug, laugh, listen some more.)

4. Stop working before dinner time so you can devote your evening to your family. Turn off your cell phone and computer.

5. Eat dinner together without interruptions from phones or TV.  Let nutrition and manners take a back seat to creating a warm tone that includes everyone.

6. Have a chat and companionable snuggle at bedtime every night with each child. 

For more support to create a deep, rewarding bond with your child, see the section on Connection at Aha! Parenting.com.