Easy Potty Learning for Toddlers
The simple truth about toilet training is that if the child is ready, it happens very easily. If not, a power struggle often ensues -- and we all know that no one wins a parent-child power struggle.
They all get out of diapers sooner or later. Fights with your child about his or her body are fights you will never win.
What are the signs that your child might be ready for potty learning?
Most importantly, be sure that your child is not in a reactively
negative stage, saying NO to everything. Most kids are not ready to be
potty trained until they are between two and three and a half years old,
with boys on the later end of this.
Second, don't begin training too early. I understand the worry of many parents that
the older their child gets, the more entrenched he'll be in the habit of
using diapers. And I am a fan of early Elimination Communication, because it is completely
child-led, as long as parents really follow their child's lead without pressure.
But I've become aware that a higher percentage of kids who are
toilet trained earlier end up with problems like constipation and fecal
retention. These are such major issues with young children in the
United States today that some experts consider it an epidemic. I get
letters on almost a daily basis from parents whose children are having
potty accidents, and in the majority of these cases constipation is the
reason. This is true even when the accidents are pee accidents. And
constipation is often complicated or even caused by early potty training.
Let me explain. MANY children--especially those who don't eat as many
vegetables or whole-grains, or who don't get as much exercise-- tend
toward harder stools. That makes them more likely to put off pooping
for as long as possible. This can happen even before a child is out of
diapers but it is especially prevalent once a child is using the potty,
because that's a bit unfamiliar, and also requires him to stop what he's
doing and go to the bathroom. The more the child gets in the habit of
procrastinating, the harder the poo gets, and the more painful to pass,
and the more the child avoids it. This leads to fecal retention.
Even many children who eliminate on a daily basis have a
large blockage of poo in their rectum. Naturally, this can cause poo accidents.
It also deadens the usual sensitivity of the child to the need to use
the toilet, so the child doesn't even know he needs to go. And
since it pushes on the bladder, it can also cause pee accidents. Most
parents whose child is in this situation don't even know their child is
constipated. For more info on this issue, I highly recommend Dr. Steve Hodges' book It's No Accident: Breakthrough Solutions to Your Child's Wetting, Constipation, UTIs, and Other Potty Problems.
So how can you make potty learning an easy, stress-free, child -empowering experience? You'll know your child is ready when he or she:
- Can express and understand one-word statements, including such words as "wet," "dry," "potty," and "go."
- Cares that her diaper is wet or dirty. (If not, she won't have much incentive to take the responsibility required to get out of diapers.)
- Has "dry" periods of at least three or four hours, which shows that his bladder muscles are developed enough to hold urine. Wakes up dry after a nap.
- Demonstrates imitative behavior.
- Shows interest in others' bathroom habits.
- Likes to flush the toilet.
- Dislikes the feeling of wearing a wet or dirty diaper.
- Gives a physical or verbal sign when he's having a bowel movement such as grunting, squatting, or telling you.
- Is anxious to please you.
- Has regular bowel movements at relatively predictable times.
- Is coordinated enough to walk, and even run, steadily.
- Can pull his pants up and down.
Once a child is ready for potty training, your goal is to make it as easy and effortless as possible. Here's a step by step guide:
1. Begin by reading books about toileting with your child. One great one is Toilet Learning by Alison Mack.
2. Start talking about what you're doing in the bathroom. Let your
child watch. Boys will benefit by watching other boys or their father
use the toilet.
3. Kids love to copy other kids who are already toilet trained; slightly older cousins can be invaluable.
4. Potty training dolls can also be very helpful. Most kids love them.
5. Give your child as much control of the process as possible,
including choosing his or her own potty or toilet seat and new
"big-girl" underwear.
6. I strongly recommend having a potty on each floor of the house.
7. Many toddlers squat to poop and prefer a potty that allows them to
assume a similar position. They may prefer a potty because they are
afraid of falling into the big toilet or are afraid of the flush. Some
kids, however, will want to get a seat that goes right on the big
toilet. If so, be sure her feet rest securely on a stool. Dangling
legs tighten rectal muscles and make defecation difficult.
8. Find a seat they love. Flip seats have a regular toilet seat plus a
training seat. Some kids will love a seat that makes music when
something is deposited in it. Just google potty training seats and you'll have lots of choices.
9. Don't be in a hurry to start training. First encourage your child
to sit, fully clothed, on his potty. It builds muscle memory for your
child to get on and off the toilet, so you want to encourage it as many
times a day as possible.
10. Make sitting on the toilet festive and fun, whether she pees or
not. For instance, sing certain silly songs. wear party hats, or give special cheers each time she gets on and off the potty. But never force
your child to sit on the potty, or to stay there.
11. After he's used to sitting on the potty clothed, get him used to sitting naked on his potty, so he is
completely comfortable. Read potty books and other books while he sits
there.
Toddlers are busy. You have to make the potty a place they love being
if you want them to spend any time there.
12. Once she's totally used to sitting on her potty, begin dumping the
contents of her diaper into the potty each time you change her diaper. Explain that
every day her body is making poop and pee, and they belong in the
potty. Admire it there, don't be in a hurry to dispose of it. After
awhile, let her help you empty the potty into the toilet and be the one
to flush it. Cheer happily each time and wave goodbye to the poop.
13. Notice when she gives signs that she is about to defecate: becoming
quiet, withdrawing to squat in private. Give her language for what's
happening: "Are you ready to poop? Tell Mommy so we can go to the potty." It
may take her awhile to begin telling you, but she will begin to learn
the concept that when she feels like this, it's time to tell you and go
to the potty.
14. If you can catch her just before she begins to defecate, help her sit on the potty. (It helps if you can bring a movable potty to her, rather than moving her to the bathroom, which can spoil the mood.) She'll begin to associate the potty with the act.
But don't assume she's toilet trained. Toilet-trained is when she
knows when she has to go and gets herself there.
15. Institute regular times when you both use the potty: first thing in the morning, after breakfast, before snack, before and after lunch, etc. Your child doesn't have to go, just to try. Make clear that the rule applies to you, also, so your child doesn't feel singled out. This will help your child's body move onto a schedule, which will be a bit easier for her to manage.
16. Finally, ask your child if he wants to begin using the potty on his
own. Tell him that you'll remind him about the regular times are that both of you go. But he’ll also have to pay attention and as soon as he might need
to pee or poop, yell for you and run to the potty. If he agrees, let
him run around naked from the waist down on a day when you can pay
constant attention. At the first sign that a bathroom visit might be
in order, grab his hand and go! Greet any success with acknowledgment of how proud he must be.
16. Expect accidents. Don't express any disappointment at "accidents," or you'll make the
stakes too high and your child may rebel or give up. Instead, respond to
accidents by shrugging, "Oh well, accidents are how we learn. Soon you'll get it in the potty every time. Let's go in and try again."
17. Accidents are a step in the right direction when your child learns from them without getting discouraged. If your child has herself noticed the accident as soon as it started, but hasn't made it to the bathroom, encourage her: "You
noticed as soon as you started to pee! Good for you! Let's go
quick to the bathroom in case there's more to come out. Then we'll
clean this up together. You noticed yourself when you needed the
potty! Next time you'll probably notice sooner and get all the way to
the bathroom!"
18. Be enthusiastic but never pushy. Pushiness complicates toilet
training. NEVER punish or disapprove of your child when he has an
accident, or it will backfire.
19. If your child poops in her pullup or pants, help her to put the poop into the potty and admire it there. "Poop belongs in the potty."
20. Make it a game by using targets in the toilet for boys -- and even
girls, although they won't be able to view it till they get off the
toilet -- to pee on. Hitting the target takes practice, but that's
what you want -- an incentive for them to practice!
21. Make it a habit. At first your child will probably need help recognizing the signals
that mean its time to head to the bathroom. If you notice him getting
antsy, or starting to squat behind the couch, you'll need to remind
him. Every time your child does notice and tell you that he needs to
use the bathroom, even if he doesn't make it in time, is an opportunity
to admire his progress in the right direction.
22. What about pull-ups and Pods?
Many parents feel that pull-ups are too much like diapers and mask the
feeling of the accident, but Pods are useful. Sometimes pullups are a
good intermediate step but toilet training can get stalled until you
get into real underwear. There's certainly less clean-up with pull-ups
than bare-bottomed, but they tend to drag out the whole process because
they confuse the child. My recommendation would always be to try
bare-bottomed, but I should add the obvious caveat that this may not
work with a carpeted floor.
23. Troubleshoot. Usually bowel training is easiest to control and happens first. If
your child has mastered peeing in the toilet but not bowel training, he
is probably afraid of the toilet and needs some reassurance. Or, he is
used to the feeling of squatting and needs more support under his feet
on the toilet so he can push.
24. If your child is afraid to use the potty, help her with her fears. Any silly, playful games that get your child giggling about the potty will help her let her anxieties about the potty evaporate. Here's a letter about helping your child with her fear by playing:
Toddler with Potty Learning Fears
25. Don't begin toilet training under pressure. Wait till you have
some time when you can be relaxed and attentive to your child. Many
preschools demand that children are toilet trained; that kind of
pressure can only be bad for you and your child.
26. Toilet training is a partnership. You can set the stage, but your
child has to do the work. I'll say it again: The MOST important secret for stress-free potty learning is that the child be ready. WAIT until he's ready. Does it really matter when that is? Sooner or later, everyone uses toilets. If you push your child, you may end up with serious issues, from a child with constant accidents to a child with fecal retention.
Handled with good cheer and confidence that
he will master it in good time, toilet training can be enormously
empowering for your child. This is a big step for your son or daughter. Your job is to make it a positive one.
