Attachment Advice for Parents of Multiples?
Hi Dr. Laura,
Friends in my church are having triplets.... who are almost born. As you an imagine, the parents have little time between getting ready for the new babies and working. They already have a 2 year old. I know they are good parents, but also know they will need more help than bringing casseroles! Is there anything in particular I can point them to that would help them handle triplets and a two year old?
You're a good friend for asking! Triplets can mean three times the love -- but your friends will need a lot of support.
The challenge with multiples is that it is so hard to meet everyone's needs and create a good relationship with each child. It is hard enough to have a two year old and a newborn. Three new babies at once plus a two year old? I gather from your note that the parents are both working, and I presume that one of them is going back to work? What they really need is a live-in nanny, so there are at least two adults to the three babies. This is something way beyond what friends at church can offer, even if everyone offers to babysit, because kids need continuity.
I can't pretend that I have any expertise on multiples, although I have learned a lot from discussions with parents of twins. I know, for instance, that it is very possible to nurse twins -- despite Angelina Jolie's pronouncement that it's too hard -- and would advise a mom with triplets to nurse as well, although she will need to pump for those occasions when three little people are all hungry at once. Given the breastmilk law of supply and demand, moms can and do produce enough milk for whatever the nurslings demand.
Parents of multiples face unique challenges and need parents who have "been there" to support them. One forum that supports parents in the kind of parenting I recommend elsewhere on this website is Attachment Parenting International; it's a wonderful organization in general, has a terrific parents' forum, and has a forum that is just for parents of multiples. I
believe you have to register, but not pay, to use it, but if you did have to pay it would be worth every penny.
Also, there is a book on twins that you might want to gift them: Joan Friedman's Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children.
Blessings to your friend, and and to you. Bring on the casseroles!
Dr. Laura
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more than enough supply, trying to exclusively nurse all three (as well as tend to my two-year old), took up more time than there was hours in a day. I ended up too sleep deprived to think straight. Looking back, I would have taken a more gentle approach and
combined formula and breast milk – allowing myself to nurse for longer than I did. It is very possible to nurse two babies at the same time. You can have them take turns to bottle-feed. There is a nursery school close to our home that has a training facility
for au pairs. We made an arrangement with the school and they had their students rotate on a monthly basis at my house to gain experience working with multiples. The girls then assisted me; and I felt happy not having to leave my babies in someone else’s care.
This worked well for that extremely busy first year. Any help is good. When you are not comfortable leaving your babies with someone, ask them to help out with something practical like going to the store or walking the dog. Of course never underestimate the
value of a casserole!