Ask the Doctor - Answers to your Parenting Questions

Kids between 6 and 10 still love to snuggle and connect physically. They just don't want to be infantilized. So I love pillow fights and wrestling with this age group. And if you have sibling issues, you can get your kids to team up against you, which promotes bonding between them.

In fact, kids this age are always looking for ways to reconnect physically, so being silly physically by falling down on top of them or "worshiping" their foot or asking if you can brush or braid their hair (without pulling it!) are all good ways to connect physically.

Another way to connect and play with kids this age is to take advantage of their comparative "worldliness" and sophistication to lighten things up in tense situations. For instance, when your kids are bickering, pretend to be a TV commentator. "We're on the scene tonight watching two sisters who can't seem to get along! Will they work things out or not? Stay with us while we observe this behavior live in their natural habitat! Notice how big sister is bossy, but little sister is provocative! Both girls want the same piece of salami! Can they work this out? Are they smart enough to realize there's more salami in the fridge? Stay tuned..." Your kids will giggle and let off tension, and get to see how ridiculous they are.

You can use the same idea to "play" with your child around any issue: "We're here tonight folks watching to see how many times mom has to ask before Sara goes up to her bath....Will mom do a song and dance? Will she be reduced to begging?"  Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that you have to do a song and dance every night to get your kid in the tub, but playing this way is a great way to connect and get your child to transition into the next activity. It also lightens the tension of what could be an annoying situation for everyone and makes clear just how "patient" you're being.

You can also take advantage of the fact that kids this age can read to write them lots of silly love notes. This can be a version of the "Fix" game (here's a description of that game)  that we play with younger children, to go over the top and convince them that we love them.

Kids who are having a hard time in their lives will love to play "role reversal" with you. For instance, if the child is getting in trouble in school, say "Let's play school. You be the teacher. I'll be the kid who's getting in trouble." Then use a childish voice and admit to the teacher that you did a terrible thing -- something much worse than your child could ever do -- like you let all the guinea pigs out of their cages because you felt sorry for them but then they ran into the library and ate up all the books. (Or whatever makes your child giggle.) Let your child be the mean teacher and scold you, and be sure you keep giggling and clowning around. It's important for kids to have a chance to giggle about things that are bothering them, because it lets off the tension they've built up around it and helps them become more flexible in solving the problem.  It also helps if they realize maybe they aren't the only one who can do "bad" things.  And it gives them a chance to put someone else in the position of powerlessness that they've been in, which can help them to work those feelings out.

I think the most important thing to remember is that when kids act out, they are trying to reconnect. They just don't know how. So if your child yells at you, keeping yourself calm and reconnecting is your priority. And if you can defuse tense situations with silliness, followed later by a talk about respectful relating, that's a kind of playfulness that will always bring you closer.