Healing child after damage from harsh treatment and following Gina Ford
Hi
My name is Mariam and I am a mother of 3. I live in South Africa. I am so
glad I came across ur site n I am becoming a new loving parent and its
beautiful! Unfortunately for my firstborn i followed Gina Ford and my son
and I were always discontented..I was so fixed on routine I would scold
and be harsh with him whenever he wouldn't sleep or eat!leaving him to
cry for long spells or forcing him to eat..he was barely 1yr and 4months
and I was pregnant with my daughter...thus weaning him and not carrying
him much..also shifted him to his own room and becoming upset when he
came to me and wanting to touch me at nite..when daughter was born I was
highly stressed with 2 small ones and He became the target of my
frustrations..often hitting him or locking him in the bathroom..resulting
in him having regular tantrums and erratic moods causing hubby and I
lots of stress..He is now 5 and half and is always wanting to be
first,is selfish,and hits/bites sister when she doesn't listen to him..He
is lazy and doesn't like doing things for himself and finds little
things to be upset about especially before school..He is very
intelligent and loving and generally well behaved outside the home!
Now that I am adopting Aha! Parenting, he becomes angry and says stupid or u fat
pig....whereas before he wouldn't dare say that! My hubby cant tolerate such
indolence!
Plz help.
Ever Grateful
Mariam
Mariam-
I am so glad that you are finding more compassionate ways to be with
your son. The transition to compassionate parenting is tough. Kids do
begin to express their anger at us. It's understandable that your husband is upset by your son's insolence.
Your husband is right that your son needs to know that people in your
family never call each other names or raise their voices at each other.
Of course, this means that we as parents need to model loving
compassion as we relate to our children.
So what can you do to stop your son's rudeness? Well, it's obvious that he needs to know such behavior isn't ok. But he certainly knows that by now. He is purposely breaking the rules to push against you, to show you how much he needs your help. So continue to be very clear that you don't speak to him that way and you don't want him to speak to you that way. But to actually stop the behavior, you'll need to give your son some help to heal the emotions that are driving it.
Your goal is to surface all those hurt feelings and fear that are
under the anger and driving it. Your son needs to cry and wail and
writhe and show you the years of fear and hurt he is holding. Until he
does, he will be full of rage.
However, your son does not yet feel safe enough to show you those
feelings. So you need to build a sense of safety for him first. To do
this, begin spending Special Time with him every day. Here's a link on
that:
What's So Special About Special Time?
This link also has links to other articles with lots of games to play with your child, which will increase his feelings of safety.
After you have begun building safety with Special Time, when your son is insolent, take a deep breath, and turn it into a game. Say, very playfully, "Wait a minute? Are you being rude to me? Your own mama who loves you so much? We'll see about that! You can't call your mother a noxious nincompoop! You come here, you rude boy, you!" (I know he is calling you much worse, but you are ignoring what he said and turning it into a joke. He is only using those words to provoke you, because he so desperately needs your help.)
Then you chase him and grab
him up and toss him around, maybe throw him over your back and carry
him around if you can, or wrestle on the couch, chanting "I'm NOT a
noxious nincompoop! We'll see about that! No more rudeness!" He will
most likely come up with more names. Ignore the ones that feel too
mean, but make up more that are as silly as possible. (This may be hard on the spot, so get ready now: Dastardly DumbDumb? Jiggly Jabberwocky?) Get him giggling a
lot.
You are showing him that his aggression is allowed and you are not
taking offense. Essentially, you are transforming his rudeness into
something harmless and using it as a signal that at this moment he needs
to reconnect with you to melt those mean feelings around his heart. At
some point in all this, either he will relax into a nice connection, in
which case you go on with your day, feeling closer. OR he will get
hysterical, and you will help him cry out those feelings. Summon up all
your compassion and say, "Sweetheart, I hear how angry you are at me.
I'm not playing now. I won't let you speak to me that way."
A version of this is described here:
When Your Child Is Angry But Can't Cry: Building Safety Through Play
So don't worry -- your son's rudeness is temporary. Your son has already begun the process of healing -- he is beginning to show you his feelings. As you rebuild your relationship with him, you will see big changes in his behavior.
Good luck!
Dr. Laura
Ask the Doctor RSS
of HIM (exaggerate how frightened you are by jumping in fear, hiding behind a chair, etc) until he starts giggling and acting like his is the scary one... or 2. Winking at him so he knows you're joking and then saying "Everybody should be scared of me, I'm
a big scary monster" and start to act scary but then trip and fall. Act just scary enough to get him giggling but not scary enough to really scare him, and puncture your scariness by being silly and goofy and ineffectual. You'll know you're on the right track
if he's giggling and wants you to keep doing it. Good luck! Dr. Laura