Ask the Doctor - Answers to your Parenting Questions

Biting is so frustrating and embarrassing for parents.   It is completely normal for little ones, because our mouths are the first part of our bodies to get tense.  So when other children encroach on your son's play space, knock over his toys, or shove him, his body "explodes" with tension, and it all comes out through the mouth.

Talking to him is a start, but it is not likely to give him much help when he's in the situation.  It is possible for the school to try some new ways to handle what's going on?  Luckily, they know what your son's triggers are, so there is a way to intervene.

1.  Space -  Is it possible for the staff to help your son find an out-of-the-way spot during free play where the other kids won't crowd him and knock over his toys?  He should be allowed to have a personal bubble of space around him that is equal to the distance of holding his arms out straight.  This is a good general practice for preschools, but many don't teach it.

2. Sound - The noise may be over-whelming to your son.  Is there any way that during free play he would be willing to wear earmuffs?  I know it sounds crazy, but it would probably lower his tension level.

3.  Shadow - Some schools assign a staff member to "shadow" a child who is having issues with aggression.  This is not to make him feel like he's under surveillance, but to be there to help him if he gets overwhelmed, so he doesn't have to lash out. And it doesn't have to go on for long; usually a couple of days is sufficient to turn things around.  This is an especially effective strategy when the same two kids have repeated problems.  You mentioned that your son has bitten two different kids, one of them twice.  So if the school agreed to do this, they would assign an assistant teacher to sit near your son and notice when other kids came too close (all kids, but especially these two).  She could then suggest to your son that he say "This is my personal space bubble, I'm feeling crowded, would you move please" and hold out his arms.  

You can also "role play" this at home and it helps him build mental "muscle memory" but it is most effective if a teacher reminds him in the moment.  Once he has used it successfully a few times, it will become automatic.

Of course, if the teacher sees that your son is about to bite, she then needs to say "People aren't for biting!" and she can quickly intervene.  I think it is brilliant to hand the child a small teething toy, because redirection always works better than trying to stop the impulse with young children.  He can even carry it in his pocket, and he will eventually outgrow it. (As he will eventually outgrow the biting stage.)

At home, you can read books about biting, such as:

Teeth are Not for Biting, by Elizabeth Verdick

No Biting! by Karen Katz.

You can also concoct stories about little animals who get shoved or their toy taken, and have them WANT to bite, but manage to control themselves and use their words.  It's good to have one phrase they all say, like "People aren't for biting."  (I guess if the story is about a little animal, you could say "Friends aren't for biting" or "Bears aren't for biting!"   

You can also "play pretend" --"Let's play school.  Pretend you're playing and I bump into you, like Charlie does.  You tell me "This is my space, Charlie.  Please Move!"

And you might want to ask the teacher, every day, whether your son was able to use his words to express himself.  Since he has only bitten three times, most of her reports will be positive.  But it will focus both your son and the teacher on using his words, which is the way to prevent him needing to use his mouth.  Every day, celebrate (verbally) your son's use of his words at school.  Your attention will create more of the behavior (talking) that is necessary to prevent his biting. 

I hope that's helpful, and good luck!
blessings,
Dr. Laura