Ask the Doctor - Answers to your Parenting Questions

Erica,
Most parents are uncomfortable when their kids show interest in sex. Your son, however, seems to be responding to more than his own natural interest, which generally manifests as exploring their own bodies, masturbating, or possibly "playing doctor" with other kids. It sounds like your son is responding to stimulating discussions and drawings from other kids. Unfortunately, we live in a very sexualized culture, and protecting our kids from these influences is quite challenging.

In your question, you wondered how “normal” or inappropriate your son’s behavior is. I would have to say that it's within the range of normal. It is true that if kids have actual information about sexual activity at a young age, that you have not shared with them, it can be a sign of sexual abuse. But I suspect that just as another child on the school bus gave your son an inappropriate drawing, some child talked to your son about nipples. The titillating tone of that conversation was exciting to your son, but also tipped him off that it was naughty. So when he brought the word nipple home and talked about kissing his sister's, he was testing just how naughty it was. He needs your help to sort out how to handle his excitement about these words and body parts that seem to be viewed as naughty in our culture.

You have three goals here. Your first is to help your son develop a positive view of sex and his own body. Your second is to help him learn what behaviors are socially appropriate. Your third is to instill in him a respect for the bodies of others – including his mom! Generally, I advise responding to kids’ sexual interest with acceptance and appropriate limits. How?

1. Get your hands on a copy of this book, either at your library or used online: Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your Child's Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens by Justin Richardson & Mark A. Schuster. This is the best book I've read on talking with kids about sex, and will help you to feel more comfortable talking with your son.

2. If you haven’t already explained what sex is to your son, it’s high time. One great book you might use to flip through with him as you talk is It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families (The Family Library) by Robie H. Harris & Michael Emberley, which is also probably in your public library. Even if you have discussed the birds and the bees with him, a review session is probably in order, as a preface to addressing his recent behavior.

3. Sometime soon when you're feeling calm and connected to your son, sit down with your him and have a discussion about sex. If you want, flip through the book It’s So Amazing with him. As part of your discussion, explain that boys and girls have different "private parts" because they do different jobs in bringing babies into the world. Tell him that we consider these body parts private because they're sacred, part of the miracle of bringing new life into the world. Kids have to take good care of their bodies and not let other people touch these private areas because when they grow up these body parts have a big responsibility. That means he has to protect his own body, and respect other people’s bodies.

Point out to your little guy that you’ve noticed that he’s very interested in your breasts and butt, but that those are private and not to be touched by others. You love hugging him, but you need him to treat you respectfully and not to touch you inappropriately -- just as you treat him respectfully and don't touch him inappropriately.  (And at this age, he should be wiping and washing his own genitals, rather than you doing it.) Similarly, touching or kissing his sister or anyone else’s nipples would be an invasion of privacy. That’s why the little girl whose butt he pinched last year was offended (besides the fact that pinching hurts!)

As you have this discussion with your son, try to remain calm, accepting, and positive. You might be uncomfortable talking about sex with your son, as many parents are, but good parents take a deep breath and do it anyway. It is even possible that your son’s fascination with inappropriate behavior is a response to your discomfort – he knows he can get a rise out of you and feels powerful when he uses words that shock you.

Tell him that words for certain body parts, such as nipples, are not considered appropriate in public, and can offend people. Add that you do not want him getting used to using impolite words, so he cannot use them in your company, or in your house, except in his bedroom. Try to stay calm and not overreact when he uses such words, because he is certainly doing it to shock you. Remind him that the word is impolite and not to be used except in his bedroom.

If you notice your son strategically touching any appropriate area of your body, immediately point it out. Tell him that his touching you there is inappropriate and that it makes you not want to hug him, even though you love him and love to hug him. Then walk away and ignore him for a few minutes. I suspect he will stop this behavior in short order.