Ask the Doctor - Answers to your Parenting Questions

First, how wonderful that Maryn is such a happy baby, and that you have two healthy, happy children. I agree with your theory that Kai's current clinginess is his response to Maryn's entry into your family. He can adore her and still wish he had you all to himself. Most kids experience a period of panic when a new baby is introduced into the family, so Kai’s reaction is completely normal.

But this is also a normal developmental stage even without the new baby. From birth to adulthood, our kids develop and grow, becoming ever more independent, but it isn't ever a straight line. It's often more like two steps forward, one step back. At 26 months, he is intellectually mature enough to know that he is a separate person, and you come and go. But he is emotionally dependent enough to feel that his very life depends on you. He realizes that he is very small and that losing you would threaten his very survival. He may look like a little boy to you, especially in contrast to his baby sister, but to Kai, he is still your baby and needs you with the same intensity that she does.

So Kai is going through a clingy stage that all kids cycle in and out of as they grow up, at precisely the same time that he notices someone else on your lap nursing. We can understand why he’s on hyper-alert mode – and why you would be exhausted and overwhelmed!

How long will this stage last? That's always hard to say, but as he gets used to the idea of having a baby around, and realizes that you are just as present for him as you always have been, he will certainly relax somewhat. You can help him along developmentally, and probably shorten this stage, by offering him extra reassurance. That will be a challenge, since you also have a four month old. But if you can pre-empt his demands by offering FIRST, without him having to be demanding to get his needs met, he will become less demanding.

Here’s an illustration of why this works that most moms can relate to. Imagine asking your sweetheart if he loves you. If he says yes, are you really convinced? No, of course not -- because you had to ask. Now imagine your sweetheart volunteering, unsolicited, to tell you how much he loves you. Aren’t you much more likely to feel secure and loved?

So how do you put this into practice with a toddler?

1. Revise your mindset to see that from his point of view, he is totally dependent on his “special person” and needs you desperately. You really have two babies. Then, you’ll anticipate his needs just the way you do hers. You’ll keep his bottle or cup ready in the fridge so when Maryn wants to nurse, you can grab both kids and make a quick stop for his milk before you plop down on the couch with both babies.

2. Remind yourself that he is terrified, right now, of losing you, and work to reassure him that you'll always be there for him. When you are about to be separated -- and little ones experience even a shower, when we are unavailable, as a separation – first get him occupied with someone or something else. Develop little separation rituals, rather than just disappearing, so he knows he can count on your return. Luckily, he is verbal, so you can give him language, such as "Mommy LOVES Kai! Mommy ALWAYS comes back."

3. Give him the message that you take his needs seriously, and won't force him to grow up before he's ready. In other words, don't push him or shame him to be a "big boy." Cuddle him and tell him that he will always be your baby. Only by getting our dependency needs met are we able to move beyond them. But at the same time, when he shows any signs of independence, reinforce that tendency by giving him positive attention. "Wow, I opened the refrigerator door, but you grabbed your bottle all by yourself!" or "You sat right outside the shower and played with your cars the whole time I washed my hair. You must be so proud of yourself!"

4. Acknowledge his ambivalence about the baby, which is really just his worry about getting his own needs met. If he says "NO Maryn. Hold Kai!" you can say "You want me to hold you, not Maryn." Then reassure him: "But don't worry, I can hold both of you on my lap. I love you both, I'm your mommy and I'm Maryn's mommy." If he says "Maryn NO milk!" you can respond, "You want milk too! Everybody needs milk. There's enough milk for everybody! Here’s your milk. Here’s Maryn’s milk."

5. Help him process emotionally by reading him books about "the new baby" in which the older sibling initially is worried but eventually makes peace with the baby. Here’s a list of great books for big siblings; great to print out and take to the library.

6. Avoid power struggles with him and minimize discipline as much as possible. It's ok to "spoil" him a bit by letting him make choices about who changes him, etc. That way he'll feel more in control of his world -- which, after all, just got turned topsy turvy by Maryn's arrival.

7. Spend some time alone with him each day. Luckily, Maryn doesn't sound like a high need baby, so you can do this. I consider spending time alone with each child to be one of the most important basic parenting practices for healthy kids. And right now, given that he’s in a panic about staying connected to you, he especially needs time each day when he can count on being the most important thing in the world to you – because, of course, that’s how he feels about you all the time.

8. Plan a little bit of structure for your days so that you get out and about in ways that are enjoyable and not taxing. This will help you stay grounded so you don’t feel so beaten down by the needs of two kids, and will help Kai know what to expect every day and give him something to look forward to. Most important, it will give Kai the chance to expand his horizons beyond you and the baby and connect with playmates. Nothing pressured or complicated, just simple outings like "Mondays we go to the wading pool, Wednesdays we go to the library, Fridays we go to the playground."

I encourage you to let everything else slide for a few months except nurturing yourself and your little ones. They both need you a lot right now, and your being rested, cheerful and nurturing to them has to be your priority. Next time Kai has a meltdown, take a deep breath, remind yourself that you’re the center of his world and he desperately needs your reassurance, and be grateful that you have two healthy children who adore you. And don’t worry. This too shall pass.
Dr. Laura

I'm so glad my reply was helpful. And I think you actually hit the nail on the head. What our kids need most from us, at all ages, is our empathy. And what moms need most to give ourselves and each other is the empowerment to throw ourselves into motherhood, knowing that our children are under the age of five for a very short time, and nothing in the world is more important than our responsibility to give them a good start in life.

BTW, I do understand the struggle of wondering whether being there for our kids is "enough," particularly once we've put in the money and effort to earn professional credentials. I'm a feminist, which means I think women are needed in all professions and should be compensated as men are, and men can do just as good a job raising children as women can, so the parenting that is so necessary in early childhood does not have to be supplied by the mom. And certainly not all women should choose the huge commitment of having children, if their interests lie elsewhere. But the evidence shows that children do better with full-time parenting while they are small, and you will be a better MD, if you eventually decide to pursue that, for having been a mother. My son leaves for college next year, and while I know it is a cliche, I wish I could turn back the years to when he was a needy toddler. Enjoy every minute of Kai and Maryn's growing up!

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