"When emotional reactions replace mindfulness, you're on the low road and it is very unlikely that you will be able to maintain nurturing communication and connection with your child." -- Dan Siegel
You know what the high road
is. When you’re feeling really good, nothing fazes you. You respond to your child’s foibles with patience, understanding, and a sense of humor.
You know what the low road is, too. It’s when you’re stressed, exhausted, resentful. When you insist on being right or wringing an apology out of your
child. When your fuse is so short that you feel justified in having your own little tantrum. When you're in the grip of fight or flight emotions, so
your child looks like the enemy.
All of those challenging emotions that flood us and wash us on to the low road can be traced, at core, to feelings of fear, shame and grief. We can't bear
those feelings. So we start blaming and lashing out. We become resentful, angry, disappointed and disconnected--from our child, and from our own ability
Sure, we're reacting to our child's behavior. But we rage so we won't have to feel those unbearable feelings. When kids act out, they're being driven by
these feelings, too, which is why connecting with them heals their emotions as well as their behavior.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t reasons to get upset. It means there are far fewer reasons than we think. It means that what upsets you today might make
you shrug a year from now. It means that when we're in a state of love, not much upsets us. By contrast, when we're on the low road, everything upsets
Parenting is hard, and nobody takes the high road all the time. But you can find yourself on it more and more. How?
1. Practice mindfulness. Your Number 1 parenting responsibility is monitoring your own emotions, so that you can regulate in the face
of all that childish behavior. Just bringing awareness to your thoughts and emotions is enough to keep you from being in the grip of them.
What does "bringing awareness" mean? Notice what's happening in your body right NOW. Every time you take a deep breath and feel the sensations in your
body, you're practicing mindfulness. You're pressing the pause button so you aren't just getting triggered. That gives you a choice about which road
to choose. (Hard? Very. A regular meditation practice makes it a lot easier to find the pause button when you're upset.)
2. Accept feelings and take loving action BEFORE you get mad. We usually start sliding down onto the low road by tolerating behavior that
is bothering us. We try to be patient, but we're gritting our teeth. So we get increasingly annoyed and finally get hijacked by our anger. To stay
on the high road, practice accepting feelings while you take loving action to set limits. Here's the difference:
"I wish she wouldn't call her sister names." - This is tolerating the behavior that goes against our values, without accepting
feelings or taking action. It doesn't solve the problem because no limit is set and the child doesn't get help with the feelings that are driving her
to act unkindly. It makes us resentful of our child and more prone to snap later.
"Stop that name calling right this minute or you'll get punished!" - This is indulging our reaction without accepting the child's
feelings. Although a limit is set, this response escalates the problem and reinforces it, because now the child blames her sister for the punishment,
is angry at your unfairness so she doesn't WANT to behave, and still gets no help with her feelings.
"You sound mad! The rule in this house is that we speak to each other with respect, and no name calling. You can tell your sister what you're mad about without attacking her." -
You're setting a clear limit on behavior without resorting to threats or punishment. You're also accepting the child's feelings and guiding the
child to express them directly, without hurtful behavior.
3. Don't get hijacked by the low road. When you notice that you're shaking with anger, that's NOT a sign that your child needs to be taught
a lesson RIGHT NOW. It's a red warning flag telling you to STOP, because you're getting hijacked by your upset and sliding down onto the low road.
So disengage from your child. Then, shift yourself out of being triggered by noticing the emotion but resisting the urge to act on it. Breathe through
it. You aren't that emotion; you are observing that emotion. It will pass. Melt that rage away by letting yourself feel the fear, sadness and disappointment
under the anger. If this happens often, give yourself whatever support you need to heal your own issues. (And who doesn't have issues?!)
4. The low road never leads to the destination you want. From the low road, our child is so clearly wrong. But the wider view from the
high road shows us our child's perspective, and our compassion blooms.
Let's say your child is objectively, totally, completely, off-track. That often happens to young humans with big feelings and immature brains. But your
child can only join you on a better path if you're reaching out from the high road. Blame, shame, anger, and criticism never help your child become
a better person. (Do they help you be a better parent?) Your heart is your compass here; getting in touch with our love always gets us back on the
5. Choose the high road. Children who feel ugly inside act ugly, which is a signal that they need our help. We always have a choice. Will
you join him on the low road and escalate the upset, or will you embrace him with your love so he can get back onto the high road with you?
You can't live on the high road all the time, if you're human. But the more you get used to choosing it, the faster you'll notice when you're off-track.
It's hard, yes, but it isn't complicated. The high road is love. The low road is fear. Choose love as often as you can. Unconditionally.
Today is Step 7 of Ten Steps to Unconditional Love:
The first six steps were:
1. Forgive yourself for not being perfect: Your 12 Step Program to Become a Recovering Perfectionist
2. Unconditional love is like a muscle. It needs a daily workout.
3. Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead? Commit to radical self-care.
4. Are You Drinking Rat Poison? Heal Your Childhood.
5. Heal Your Heart, Heal Your Life
6. How To Love Unconditionally When You're Angry
Want More? We're exploring each of the ten steps in more detail over the next few weeks. Join us for some heart stretches!