“Dr. Laura....I just don't get it. How can kids learn to behave if they're never punished? I would never hit them, but what about timeouts and consequences? Everyone knows that children need discipline."
"Do you even have children?!!! Obviously not, or you would know this kind of parenting is impossible, and would raise criminals!"
I rarely mention my own children in my posts, but I'm often asked about them because
naturally parents want to know if this kind of parenting works. So to answer this
question, I went to the best source I know: My children. They were never
punished, including with timeouts or parent-contrived consequences. And yet they're
now considerate, responsible, happy young people. How do they explain it?
When I asked them, they were puzzled.
My 20 year old son: "You and Dad were always nice to us. So why wouldn't we be nice back?"
My 16 year old daughter: "We LOVE you and Dad. Of course we try not to disappoint you."
Me: "But how did you learn to behave, without punishment?"
My daughter: "Why would punishment teach you to behave? That just makes kids dislike their parents, and disrespect them. Why would kids follow someone they don't respect?"
Me: "What do you mean by 'follow'?"
My daughter: "You know, doing what you say. I know so many kids who had a bad relationship with their parents so they lied and rebelled as soon as they could. But I didn't want to break your rules. I saw the sense in them. Why wouldn't I follow what you tell me?"
Me:"But how did you learn not to hit, for instance?"
My son: "Empathy. I always knew, for as far back as I can remember, that I didn't want to hit other kids because it would hurt them. But sometimes if I was very upset, I didn't care. But because you always understood, I was able to stop myself from hurting someone else. And because you understood why I would have those angry feelings, it made me feel better about myself, too."
My daughter: "Either way--if you punish or not--the child learns not to hit. But if you're punishing to teach him, he learns not to hit so that he doesn't suffer. If you're using empathy to teach him, he learns not to hit because it hurts the other person. So he becomes a better person. He cares more about other people."
Now, I'm not a permissive parent. I have higher standards than most parents I
know, which my kids sometimes challenge. And I set plenty of limits, but always
with empathy and understanding of my kids' feelings.
And lest you think these kids were so well-behaved they didn't need discipline,
my extended family still hasn't forgotten one of my son's hair-raising tantrums
at age three, and I remember well my mortification when my daughter socked a playmate
at age six. Raising my children has been wonderful, but not without challenges.
There were certainly times that other parents would have punished them.
But I found they learned faster when I didn't. When I helped them WANT to meet
my high standards, and coached them so they developed the skills to do it. When
I focused on moving myself back into a state of compassion, reconnecting with them,
and helping them through their feelings. When I resisted controlling them, and
didn't step in to rescue them from the natural consequences of their actions, so
they learned life lessons through their own experience.
Sure, kids need "discipline." But the verb "to discipline" means "to guide."
There is absolutely no reason why our guidance needs to be punitive. In fact,
punishment backfires. We can't really control another person. All we really have
to work with is influence. And punishment erodes that influence. If we want kids
to accept our guidance, we need to maintain a positive relationship with them.
I should add that my kids are not the only "proof" of this -- here's a whole page
of parents sharing their experience:
This kind of parenting is hard, but it isn't impossible. There are many thousands
of parents like me, who have never used any punishment at all, and whose children
have grown into wonderful teenagers and adults. They’ve never needed to be
threatened into compliance. Why? Because these kids WANT to make good
choices, the choices we've guided them towards over the years.
All kids know what the right choice is. Our jails are full of kids who were raised
with punishment and knew they were doing wrong. Kids raised without punishment
are more likely to make the right choice because:
1. They're more receptive to our guidance, right through the
2. They have more self-discipline, which they're developing every time we set a limit and they accept it. Choosing
to give up what they want, to do what we ask, is what builds those self-discipline
muscles. By contrast, kids who are punished aren't "choosing" that limit, they're
forced into it, so they aren't exercising self-discipline. And
permissive parenting doesn't set limits at all, so kids aren't asked to develop
3. They're ABLE to make the right choice, because they’ve learned to manage their own emotions. They
can resist impulses that might take them off track.
But what if you're using positive parenting, and you stay calm and regulated,
and your child doesn't cooperate? Join the club. That certainly happened
sometimes with my kids. All young humans have days when their emotions get
the best of them, just like all "grown up" humans. Sometimes kids just need
us to listen to all those tangled up feelings. Not in words, but in laughter,
or in tears. Which we'll talk about tomorrow.
If you're looking for the research to support this approach, one great source
is Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting.