"What do I do when my three year old throws his truck at the cat? If I take the thrown object away and say, "The truck has to be put away now, because we can't let the kitty get hurt," my son seems to still view this as a punishment -- Mom is taking his favorite toy away and putting it somewhere high up where he can't reach it because he's little. Not to mention the frustrated/patronized look he gets on his face as soon as he sees my 'I'm about to empathize with your deeper feelings instead of addressing whatever need you think you have at this moment...'
Let's dig deep on this one because it's a great example of where punishment gets
in the way of raising a responsible, emotionally intelligent child.
Your son thinks taking the truck away is a punishment because it's a consequence
that's within your control. Even if you meant your action as a preventive limit,
he'll perceive it as a punishment. So while we might quibble over terminology,
if your child perceives something as a punishment, he will react to it as a punishment.
Is moving the truck out of reach a reasonable limit? Of course. If he started
throwing shoes out the window, you would move the shoes out of his reach until
he calmed down. But you wouldn't just move the shoes, you would address the
reason he was throwing them. And you wouldn't keep them out of reach for some arbitrary
period of time, or that would be a punishment. You would give him access to his
shoes as soon as he had calmed down and could resist throwing them.
This is no different. In fact, since there is only one truck and it's already
across the room, you might be able to avoid putting the truck out of reach altogether,
by intervening immediately to address the underlying feelings. That way you aren't
even perceived as giving a punishment, which will always lead to more misbehavior.
- Kids act out when they feel disconnected and angry. Instead of healing those
feelings (which restores cooperation) punishment worsens them.
- If your child feels punished, he feels worse and acts worse, regardless of what
you were intending when you removed the truck.
Let's assume for the moment that the cat beats a hasty retreat when she sees your
son coming and didn't actually get hurt by the UFO that flew by. In that
case, and if this is the first time he seems to be aiming at her, it's probably
best not to make an issue of the cat. Why? Because you want to sidestep power struggles
as much as possible, and redirect rather than correct. That helps him WANT to not
throw the truck next time.
You say "You feel like throwing! Trucks aren't for throwing. They could hurt someone. Balls are for throwing! Let's go outside and throw balls."
- You reconnect with him, which is probably what he needed to begin with
- He gets to throw, which he obviously had an urge to do.
- You can even start a conversation, if he's willing to have it, about whatever
was upsetting him that prompted him to throw.
- You're definitely enforcing the limit that trucks aren't for throwing.
- You're also addressing the underlying feelings, even if it was just an exuberant "What would it feel like to throw this?!"
However, let's say your son makes a habit of launching missiles at the cat, or
that a truck landed on her as she was happily basking in the sun. In that
case, you certainly want to prevent such occurrences in the future. This
is a terrific opportunity to teach empathy. "Ouch, poor Kitty! That truck hurt! Look how scared she is. Trucks aren't for throwing. Kitty is scared right now, so let's leave her alone, but later you will want to pet her to help her trust you again. You don't want her to be scared of you."
You are not only encouraging empathy by helping him see things from the cat's perspective,
you're also alerting him to the damage he's done to his relationship with the cat
and suggesting how he might repair it.
Should you punish him for throwing the truck at the cat? He did know it
could hurt her, and he aimed right at her. But that means he's obviously
upset and sending you an SOS. When kids lash out like this aggressively,
they're scared inside. If you punish him, you're missing the opportunity
to help him work through those feelings, and they'll just burst out in some other
misbehavior. And, as we said above, he'll feel even worse about himself, and even
more disconnected from you, if you punish him.
Of course, it might be worth it if the punishment kept him from hurting the cat
in the future. Unfortunately, punishment will have the opposite effect. Any
kid being punished will inevitably start muttering some version of "It's all Kitty's fault...I'll show her!"
Instead, you help him safely express the emotions that incited his violence. You
connect with him by getting down on his level and making eye contact. You say "You must be pretty upset to throw your truck at the cat. I know you love her and you are usually gentle with her. Want to tell me about it?" He
might burst into tears and tell you how upset he is about something. In that
case, be glad you got to the root of it, and hold him while he cries.
More likely, he'll give you that "patronized expression." That means he's trying
to fend off the emotions under his anger, which are uncomfortable for him.
So let's bypass that rational mind and let your son vent some of the anxious feelings
that are seeking an outlet in truck-tossing. Forget empathic words.
Go for play.
"Come here, you truck tossing tornado, you! I think this is a signal that we have
to toss YOU around!" Get him giggling with some affectionate roughhousing.
If he wants to play more, you can help him work on those power issues by letting
him be the lion tamer, and you be the roaring lion, and let his powerful presence
transform you from scary to purring.
Giggling will probably be enough to get your son back on track, having laughed
out his upset and reconnected with you. But if his aggression continues, it's a
signal that he needs your help to experience some fear or sadness that's eating
at him. That's another post, but if you have an endangered cat at your house
and urgently need some pointers, here's a link to help you:
Has your son learned that hurling vehicles at others is off limits? Yes,
but he already knew that. He just couldn't stop himself. Scolding him wouldn't
have prevented a recurrence. What you've done is helped him with the feelings that
led to his crime of passion, so it's less likely to be repeated. And you've done
it without punishing, by strengthening your bond with him. Not bad for a
See why child development is intellectually fascinating? And it's good training
for lion taming, too.