Protective Parenting
Parents have always grappled with harsh realities to protect their
children. But our culture poses risks that are difficult to navigate,
because they aren't obviously dangerous. In fact, we take them for
granted as we go about our busy lives.
The greatest dangers to
our kids may not be the ones we worry most about, the ones that make
the evening news, like abduction and child molestation. Random
abductions by strangers are relatively rare in the U.S., approximately
200 annually, and molestation is almost always perpetrated by someone
the child knows and trusts. Most parents can reduce these risks
dramatically with attentive parenting.
Stress
researchers now believe that the greatest risk for many children is the
wear and tear of the way we live, which makes all of us more vulnerable to
dangers from depression to obesity to substance abuse.
All of us pay a high price for living in our stressful, acquisitive, disconnected society. Everything is hyper: hyperstimulated, hyper-materialistic, hyper-sexed, hypercompetitive, hyper-busy. No wonder we're all so anxious so much of the time.
But whatever stresses parents feel are worse for children, who suffer from the same hyper-scheduling, made even more challenging by their immature emotional and intellectual development. Not only are children stressed out, our way of life disconnects them from us, so they can't even depend on their parents to protect and guide them.
Compared to us, children perceive themselves as powerless, at the mercy of parents, peers, school. They struggle with pressures, from peer rejection to sexual exploitation, which most of us could not have imagined. Worse yet, children's brains are still developing, laying down neural pathways in the daily context of stressful over-activity, terrifying images and hyper-stimulation. Researchers are only beginning to understand the negative neurological effects of this on children's development.
But resisting the seductions of our culture altogether is impossible, because virtually all parents participate in it ourselves. How many of us would be willing to give up computers, TV, cell phones, movies, and popular music? (I know I wouldn't.) How many of us would be willing to move to the country and live slow, peaceful lives without alarm clocks? (I admit I'd prefer that, but here I sit in New York City, where my husband's work is.)
On the other hand, it is our job as parents to protect our children from things that may endanger their welfare, and I feel an obligation to start by telling the truth about what is harmful, even those things, like movies, that are convenient babysitters, part of my own life, and pervasive and unquestioned in our culture. Then I must evaluate, daily, the influences in my family's life.
My decisions about the level of my kids' exposure to popular culture have been influenced by the age of my children at the time, the norms of their peer groups, my familiarity with the item in question (I admit that it would not have occurred to me that the lyrics of my beloved Beatles could be harmful to my children until I found myself trying to explain "Happiness is a Warm Gun"), and more often than I like admitting, by my own convenience.
My decisions are also guided by these commitments:
- Staying connected.
- Keeping our house a sanctuary, a loving and peaceful refuge from the pressures of daily life.
- Limiting my children's exposure to material that is not age appropriate. Just because I want to watch the TV news doesn't make it appropriate for my five year old.
- Letting my children learn enough about popular culture to fit into their milieu while at the same time protecting them from inappropriate material.
- Keeping my relationships with my children, as much as possible, free of the chafe of constant fighting over TV, computer, video games and other addictions.
- Encouraging my children to be creative agents, because I believe that will give them more joy in life than passively consuming culture created by others.
- Encouraging my children to spend considerable time reading, despite the passive nature of it, because I am convinced of the many benefits to their hearts, minds and imaginations. I know that the more time kids spend with technology, the less time they spend reading.
- Building into my kids' lives down time, creative time, time to dream and do nothing and even get bored. I want them to learn to like being with themselves without being entertained.
I don't have all the answers on this. But research studies do give us some guidance on how to protect our kids:
1. Encourage their passions. Any talent, skill or hobby that matters to them will insulate them from peer pressure, drug use, and extremes of pop culture. People who succeed in life are passionate about what they're doing. Kids need time and support to explore so they can discover their passions.
2. Dramatically limit TV.
I know it's a great babysitter. TV is also a very eloquent and
effective teacher. It teaches our children that the most important
things in life are money, appearance and fame. It stifles creativity, lowers self
esteem (particularly in girls), and increases violence.
The average American child watches three hours of TV daily. Think of what else she could be doing during this time. Reading. Playing soccer. Drumming. Painting. Dreaming. Learning to cook. Instead, she’s watching commercials that tell her buying things will get her love and she'll never be pretty enough.
3. Don't
let your children watch the news until they are at least ten years old,
and then watch it with them so you can discuss what you see.
Even when you watch it with them, kids are not ready to see in
technicolor all the terrible things that happen in the world. Studies
show that adults and children who watch TV news believe the world is a
more dangerous place than it actually is. Watching TV news increases
stress levels, causes nightmares, and makes kids more anxious. Reading
the newspaper together is fine, because it isn't as visceral, and you
can help with the interpretation, unlike the unmediated sensationalism
of the news. Even middle schoolers need your help to be savvy media
interpreters.
4. Don't volunteer to take your young child to movies. Virtually
all Disney movies, for instance, are inappropriate for toddlers and
even preschoolers. Introduce movies late (after preschool age) and not
until your child asks. If every other second grader is talking about
some new movie, you may well agree to take him, but that’s very
different than making movies a routine part of life. Parents take kids
to movies because the parent finds it easier than taking the child on
an adventure, whether that be a hike or a museum.
5. Avoid introducing "characters."
Don't buy clothes with storybook characters. Don't cultivate
relationships with TV characters, even "benign" ones like Sesame Street
or Disney. Do you really want your kids acting as billboards?
6. Be computer savvy.
The internet is like a big city, with some wonderful people, and
museums, and schools. It also has its seedy and dangerous side, and
your child can stumble into that far too easily.
One dad I know learned this the hard way when the baseball coach told his nine year old son to order some baseball equipment from Anaconda for fast delivery. The boy typed in Anaconda that evening, then turned to his dad to ask questions about female domination, including what sitting on someone's face was? (Turned out the coach meant Anacondasports.com,which is a perfectly respectable website).
If you have kids under the age of 12 and no safety filter on your computer's internet access, what are you waiting for?
7. Talk with your kids, constantly, about the media messages that they see. Does this ad make them want to buy that product? What else does it make them feel, and think? (Hint: You and your life are inadequate without this product, which will make you beautiful, popular, and talented.) Research shows that even when we don't think we're influenced by advertising, we act on the ad's message. That's scary, but what's really scary is that corporations spend billions to target our kids, who are even easier prey.
8. Resist the impulse to over-schedule. All kids need downtime, creative time, time to dream and do nothing and even get bored. Kids need to learn to like being with themselves without being entertained. They need quiet to tap into their own still voice. They need to learn to structure their own time. They need to understand that life isn't the activities that fill it, but something much more vast and mysterious.
9. Stay Connected. Most of us take for granted that kids would rather be with other kids. But when children are asked, they invariably say they wish their parents wanted to spend more time with them. Think of this as an insurance policy for your child. Your very presence helps him feel secure and melts away the stress.
