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5 Strategies to Tame Your Inner Critic

"It’s like a big stick that I hit myself with from the inside. Really, would I want anyone I love to do that to themselves? Certainly not! And, I’ve made a commitment to support my kids and myself in putting that stick down. For good.  The other day...the part of me that is Unconditional Love stood up, turned towards the Critic, and embraced it. In that moment of love and connection, the critic dissolved. Now I make it a practice to embrace the Critic, over and over again. I am learning that whatever has a hold on me, that which we most want to turn away from, is exactly what needs undivided, loving attention." -- Jennifer Mayfield

The inner critic's goal is to protect us. It thinks its job is to constantly scan for threats: future dangers, past problems we keep reliving to prevent their recurrence (or prove we were right!), defects in our children that we need to correct, and deep flaws in ourselves that we fear make us unlovable and thus threaten our very survival. No wonder we feel worn out!

You can’t get rid of your inner critic. Ignoring it won't work. But you CAN greatly reduce its fear level, and get it serving, rather than running, you. Here are 5 Strategies to Tame Your Inner Critic.

1. Honor the fact that your inner critic is trying to take care of you. Think of it as a watch dog. When it starts yapping, resist rushing into fight or flight mode. Instead, take a deep breath. Thank it for trying to take care of you. Then hug it and tell it to stop barking and go lie down. Whatever it is, you can get rid of the fear by reminding yourself: "I can handle this."

2. Explore what's scaring you. What is your mind so afraid of?  Put it into words, and you'll see how silly it is.

For instance, if you're yelling at your child because she was belligerent, ask your mind why your four year old's behavior is so dangerous. The response may be "She thinks she's the boss around here!" or "I can't get her to do what I say!" or "I have to nip this disrespect in the bud now!"  But is this really an emergency worth your big guns?  She's a four year old desperate for your understanding and approval. Your job is to calm the storm, not escalate it. You don't need to be in fight mode.

3. Bring some wisdom to bear. Your mind needs a partner: Your heart. That's your inner truth meter. Put your hand on your heart and ask:

“How can I make something good happen here?" 

Listen. A simple, heartfelt answer will pop into your head.  Maybe something like "She's trying to grow into her own person.... Don't take it personally.... Keep your sense of humor.... Give her a hug."

4. Put your inner critic to work doing something useful. Your inner critic just wants to serve. Give it a job.  For instance, "This four year old seems to need some autonomy.  Will you help me notice every time that I could give her a choice, or let her do something her way?" 

You'll be amazed at what a good servant your inner critic is, alerting you to every time you could make a better choice with your child. Just don't let it beat you up when you make mistakes. Tell it: "Two steps forward, one step back still gets me where I want to go."

5. Just laugh. You won't be able to make a better choice every time. And sometimes your inner critic will still panic and try to drag you off the deep end.  Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that there's no emergency. Even with all it's challenges, life with kids can be fun — and funny. Even your inner critic can't complain when you're laughing.


This post is part of the series "Spring Cleaning for Your Psyche," which is interspersed with our regular posts for a few weeks. Here the preceding posts:

Spring-Cleaning for Your Psyche

Don't Believe Everything You Think

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