"Dr. Laura -- Could you write about transitioning to positive discipline for parents of older kids? If I start Peaceful Parenting now with my kids 12 and 9, will it still help? How do I all of a sudden "remove" punishment? My 9 year old always says 'Oh now I guess I am grounded.' How do I change his thinking?"
This should be easy, right? You just stop punishing, and your children
are so grateful, they begin to act like perfect angels.
I wish. The older your child, the more challenging it can be to transition to peaceful parenting. Your child has already come to understand the world through
a certain lens. He thinks the only reason to "behave" is that otherwise he'll be punished by losing a privilege -- for instance, being grounded.
So the first thing to know about transitioning to peaceful parenting is that you don't just "remove punishment." You start by strengthening your relationship
with your child, so your child respects you and WANTS to follow your rules.
What's the "bank balance" in your "relationship account" with your child? You need at least five positive interactions to every negative interaction to
maintain an account that isn't in the red. You need a surplus if you want your child to follow your lead and be open to your influence. (You don't
build a positive balance in your relationship by buying your child things or letting him stay up late. You build it by listening and understanding,
even while you set clear limits.)
Then, consider how to teach the lessons you want your child to learn. Grounding your child, removing privileges, or punishing with extra chores -- all
of these approaches are meant to "teach a lesson."
But research (and common sense) tells us that punishment creates resentment and power struggles. Kids get preoccupied with the unfairness of the punishment,
instead of feeling remorse for what they did wrong and making a plan for change. Punishment ends up eroding your relationship with your child, which
ultimately lessens your influence and makes them LESS likely to want to follow your lead.
There's a better way to teach the lessons you want your child to remember.
The lessons you want to teach, I assume, are:
- Our actions have an impact on the world.
- We can always choose our own actions and we are responsible for them.
- Everyone makes mistakes. When we make a mistake, it is our job to repair things.
- Cleaning up messes is usually harder than making a more responsible choice to begin with. Some things we can't undo; we can only try to make amends.
- It takes courage to do the right thing. But when we make responsible, considerate choices, we become the kind of person we admire, and we feel good
Kids don't learn these lessons by being punished. They learn them when we help them reflect on the result of their actions. What was the cost, to them
and to others? We also need to consistently support our children to make repairs when they mess up.
Like most humans, children can't sincerely acknowledge mistakes and initiate repair when they're on the defensive. So if we want our kids to make a
better choice next time, we need to get better at talking with them -- and listening -- as well as giving them support so they can meet our expectations.
1. First move yourself from anger into empathy.
Once your child knows you're on his side, he feels safe to engage with you. Without that sense of safety, your child's heart is hardened to you -- because
he expects judgment and punishment -- and you have no influence at all. So just tell him you need some time to think, and get calm before you talk
about what happened. (For more on managing your own anger.)
2. Start the conversation with a warm connection.
Children of any age, including teenagers, respond to that connection by being more open to your guidance. If your child is worried about you getting upset
at her, she'll move into "fight, flight or freeze" and learning will shut down. She's also more likely to lie. The only way to actually "teach
a lesson" is to create a safe conversation. To do that, remember that your child has a reason for what she did. You may not consider it a good reason,
but to her it's a reason. If you don't find out her reason, you can't prevent a recurrence.
3. Tell your child you want to hear his thoughts about what happened.
Then let him talk. Reflect to clarify (and demonstrate) your understanding:
- "I see... so the guys really wanted you to play basketball, and it was at the same time as the study session for the test? That's a hard choice."
- "So you and your sister were really furious at each other... you were so hurt when she.... I would have been mad too, if someone said that to me..... and you really wanted to get back at her, huh?"
4. Keep your focus on connecting with your child and seeing the situation from his point of view.
This helps you, and him, understand what motivated him. This gives him an opportunity to work through the feeling or the need that drove his behavior.
Kids always know what the right choice was, but something got in their way. What was it? How can he learn to listen to his own better judgment?
For instance, let's say he played basketball with his friends instead of going to the study session, and then failed his test. You might find as you talk
with him that he has a lot of anxiety about being accepted by the guys and felt he had to play basketball to be one of the gang. This social anxiety
may be something he actually needs your help to sort out and problem-solve about, and once he does he'll be a lot more ready to focus on schoolwork.
But by simply punishing him, you would never have even known about it. You would have lost the opportunity to help him address his problem and find a good
solution for next time. In fact, since punishment doesn't help him resolve his conflict, he might very well do the same thing next time, but invent
some story to cover himself.
5. Ask open-ended questions instead of lecturing.
Keep the conversation as safe and as light as possible. If you can share a laugh, you'll defuse the tension and strengthen your bond, so remind yourself
that this is a growth experience for both of you, and summon up your sense of humor.
- Was she aware of making a choice?
- What led her to that choice?
- What does she think about it now? ("How did that work out for you?")
- What were the good things about that choice?
- What were the bad things about that choice?
- Was it worth it?
- Did some part of her know that choice was a bad idea? If so, what kept her from listening to that voice?
- Would she do it again?
- Why or why not?
- How could she support herself to choose differently next time?
- What support would she like from you, so she can choose differently next time?
6. Resist the urge to jump in with punishments. Instead, help your child come up with a plan to make things better.
Explore and learn with your child, rather than assuming that you know what should happen now. Once he isn't being controlled by that unmet need or upsetting
feeling, and he sees the result of his action (failed test, hurt sister, broken window, whatever), he feels regretful. This is only after the
feelings or needs have been processed, of course. But once they aren't driving him, his "goodness" is free to come through. He naturally wants to make
So you ask him:
- What can you do now to make things better with your sister (or with your teacher)?
- Did this incident show you anything in your life that you want to change, that's bigger than this one incident?
- How can I support you?
7. Your child's plan to repair what she's "broken" should empower her to address her larger problem as well as make up for her poor choice in the past.
This is not about her being punished and losing privileges and being told what bad things are now going to happen to her. It's about her realizing that
what she does has an impact, and taking responsibility to solve whatever problem she had in a more positive way. If you can avoid playing the heavy,
your child can actually take responsibility, because she isn't on the defensive.
In the example of the failed test, maybe she makes a written chart about schoolwork, and sits with you to do it every night, and asks the teacher for extra
credit work to do. She might also need to turn off her phone for a certain number of hours during homework time every evening, which she is now motivated
to do because she sees that her phone is keeping her from focusing on her studies.
Is this punishment? No, not if this is the plan that she brainstorms with you. In fact, if you help her actually follow through and partner with her so
that she can achieve her goals, then it's completely empowering and could transform her ability to achieve in school. Of course, she might not
know that this is what he needs to be successful. Sometimes, you'll make the choice to give her this support, not as a punishment, but because your
job as a parent is to provide the structure to help her succeed.
If the bad choice was hurting her sister, then the reparations would be to the sister. All children have mixed emotions about siblings, but that means
there is affection and comradeship in there somewhere, and even protectiveness. "How can you help your sister feel safe with you again?"
8. What if he says no repair work is necessary?
What if, even after you have done your best to listen and validate emotions, your child maintains that he doesn't care if he failed
the test and his sister deserved what she got? He's still on the defensive. Say "I understand why this happened and why you made this choice.... but that doesn't mean your choice worked out well. I know that when you aren't so upset you would feel differently. Let's give this a break and talk more later."
Give him a chance to calm down. When you start talking again, start with empathy. That's what helps him heal those feelings. "I can see that you're feeling fed up with that teacher and that you feel like just giving up in that class." And model taking responsibility, maybe by saying "I think some of this is my fault... I didn't realize you were falling behind in class, or I would have helped you address it before now."
Set a clear expectation that he does need to come up with a repair, and that you're there to help. Not addressing the problem won't make it go away,
but you have seen him tackle tough problems before and you know he can overcome this one too.
9. Step into your own power.
You as the grown-up have more power than you know in this situation. Your child is depending on your leadership, even if she seems to be resisting it.
If she hurt her sister, it gives you an opportunity to address the obvious sibling rivalry. If she failed her test, it gives you an opportunity to
consider your family's overall prioritization of schoolwork, and how YOU can support your child to manage it. When we give our children sufficient
support, they usually rise to the level of our expectations. Some kids just need more support than others. Consider what kind of support would
10. Set limits as necessary.
If your child has broken a family rule, then you'll need to reinforce that rule.
- "Homework always comes first, before play."
- "I expect you to use your words to tell your sister when you're upset. No hurting each other's bodies."
Setting a limit is not a one-time thing -- you need to do it over and over. Parents often get frustrated about this need for repetition and think that
punishment will help prevent recurrences. But it's much more effective to address the root causes of the "misbehavior." If your child is having
a hard time following your limits, consider what support he or she needs to meet your expectations. For instance, when your children hurt each
other, insist on repair. But make sure you also address the sibling rivalry, and help them learn to express their needs and wants without attacking
Another kind of "support" so kids can meet your expectations is to manage the child's environment by setting clear house rules and agreements. So,
for instance, don't get your child a phone until they can manage it. Don't allow it to be on except during limited hours in the afternoon and evening
when it won't intrude on homework, dinner and winding down before bed. When the child first gets the phone, review daily with your child what texts
and calls were made, and how much time the child spent on the phone, to help them develop healthy habits.
If you find yourself needing to back-track and impose rules now about an issue like homework or screens that has become a problem, be clear with your
child that this is not a punishment, and resist the urge to be punitive. You are giving your child the structure and support they need to be successful.
They may not like it, and you will listen to their unhappiness and empathize, but that doesn't mean you will change your limits. Once your child
has developed the new habits that will help them meet your expectations, and can demonstrate their ability to be responsible, they can petition
you for a change.
11. Don't rescue.
Sometimes your child's infraction goes beyond the family. He was caught cheating at school, or drinking with his buddies, or he caused a car accident.
Resist the temptation to rescue him from the consequences of his actions. If you do, he will learn nothing from this incident. That's a set-up for
him to repeat the behavior that led to this result (or worse). Instead, listen, empathize, and love him unconditionally. But be very clear that he
has to pay the price for his behavior. If that means failing the course at school, or working to repair the car and not being allowed to drive it,
that's the natural consequence of his behavior. Much better for him to suffer the pain now and learn something, while he's a minor.
12. Expect an adjustment period.
Like any transition, a change in your parenting from punitive to peaceful parenting will include both of you learning the new territory. No blame. We all
do the best we can as parents.
But if you've been punishing, your child was obeying out of fear. Once you stop punishing, she stops obeying. So you need to make it your highest priority
to do some repair work on your connection, FIRST, so she WANTS to cooperate with you, and doesn't want to disappoint you. Otherwise, she'll just flaunt
An important part of connecting is empathy, including when you set limits. Work hard to speak with respect, and be clear that you expect civility in return:
"You must be so upset to speak to me that way... What's going on?" Stay compassionate. Welcome upset feelings. The more safety
you can provide, the sooner your child will be willing to share what's really bothering them. Once your child expresses all those uncomfortable feelings
they've been lugging around, they'll be much more open to connecting. And because you've stayed compassionate, they'll know you're on their side, and
they'll be more likely to honor their agreements with you. They'll even start thanking you for your patience!
As you can see, you don't need to announce that you've "stopped punishing." Instead, you naturally transition to teaching kids to repair. If they ask,
you can simply say "It seems to me that you'll learn a lot more from this. What do you think?"
The hard part is changing your own habits, but luckily you'll see positive changes very quickly so you'll have incentive to keep going. Don't worry about
changing your child's thinking. If you change, they change.