Healing attachment disorder in adopted child?

Dear Michelle,

You have my deepest admiration. You are doing the most important and hardest work there is, which is saving a life by healing the soul. As you know, this work takes constant love and attention. But love does transform people, and heal even the deepest wounds.

You say that your son is not as angry now, that he will let you touch and cuddle him. That is a huge achievement. You have done the hardest part -- your son has become willing to let you touch him physically and emotionally. Everything else builds on that connection.

You ask whether you'll you ever have the closeness with your younger son that you do with your older son. I think you can. It will take extra understanding on your part, but because you and he are going through so much together -- essentially bringing him back to open-heartedness after his traumatic past -- that in itself will create closeness.

You say that you try to help him grieve and to let him know that he always has someone to talk to. That is an enormous gift. You ask what else you can do to build a close relationship. I suspect you are doing this anyway, but the more you can offer him empathy, acceptance, and respect, the faster he will heal. An example might be a time when he misbehaves in some way. Most moms would threaten their child with a punishment. But that always undermines the relationship.

The way to build a close relationship (as I suspect you already know, from your letter) is to see it from his point of view. "I see you're not undressing to get in the bathtub, as I asked you. You're still playing, and you don't look like you're listening to me. I wonder if you're trying to tell me that you want to be in charge of when you get in the tub?" When he looks up at you, you can add "Ok, I see how much you want to play a little more, but you do need to have a bath and get all clean before we read your bedtime story. Do you think you'll be ready to get in the bathtub in five minutes, or in ten minutes?" Usually, at that point, he'll choose ten minutes. And because you're given him respect and some control, instead of what he would perceive as pushing him around or violating his desires, he will cooperate and get in the tub in ten minutes.

All kids do better with that kind of respectful parenting. But kids who have been abused especially need it, because their very self has been violated. Usually, over and over, they challenge you to see if you will offer them respect. If you can see it from their point of view, they relax and begin to trust you and to cooperate.

Here are some other things that are particularly important with kids who've been abused:

1. They need to know that you are in control of your own feelings and will not, under any circumstances, attack them in any way, including verbally. That means you have to be very careful about any discipline, since punishment is always perceived by kids as an attack. Resist any impulse to be punitive. Set limits, but set them with empathy.

2. They need to know that you are going to keep them safe in the world, which means keeping their world orderly and on schedule, and setting appropriate limits.

3. They need help managing their anger, specifically, to know that their rage is understandable, that they have feelings just like they have arms, and those feelings are to be accepted and honored. At the same time, they are responsible for what they do with their arms, and their rage. Most important, you will help them to contain their rage so that it doesn't pose a danger to them or anyone else.

4. They need the opportunity to "tell you" about what happened to them. This won't take place with words, but with rage and tears. When your son gets angry about anything, accept his anger and stay close to him. Keep looking him in the eye and empathizing. If he attacks you verbally, acknowledge how angry he is, and don't take it personally. Eventually, in your safe presence, he will break through his anger to the tears beneath it and cry and cry. That crying is an essential part of healing. He is expressing to a safe witness what he went through. After a session like this, you will see that he is more free, more affectionate, more cooperative.

5. They need your reassurance that their body won't be violated, and they need to have as much control over their lives as possible. You could use language like "You're in charge of your own body" or "You're in charge of your own clothes" whenever appropriate, and of course give choices whenever you can.

6. They need your reassurance that you will not abandon them, no matter what. Kids who have been abandoned always fear that there is something wrong with them that will cause anyone they depend on to leave them. Parents need to bend over backwards to assure these kids that they will always be there for them. They always "test" the parent by misbehaving, and need your reassurance that you love them especially when they act least lovable.

You say that you know in your heart that your son has an attachment disorder. That sounds likely. The most important "cure" is your love, but it would be a good idea for the two of you (together) to see a psychologist specializing in attachment disorders. The experience of such an "expert" could offer you indispensable support in your journey with your son.

I also have a book to recommend:

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors by Heather Forbes. Forbes specializes in kids who have been adopted, and this book is very helpful in understanding how to handle the aggression usually displayed by children with deep fears.

Finally, I would not worry too much about your son's feelings about women. Every day that you love him is healing him of those feelings.

Please write anytime. I feel honored to participate even in this small way on your journey with your son.

Infinite blessings to you and your family,
Dr. Laura