“Before the plane takes off, the pilots have a flight plan… but during the course of the flight, wind, rain, turbulence, air traffic, human error, and other factors act on the plane… 90% of the time the plane is not even on the prescribed flight path... During the flight, the pilots make constant adjustments to get back on track. The flight of that airplane is the perfect metaphor for family life… It doesn’t make any difference if we are off target or even if our family is a mess. The hope lies in the vision and in the plan and in the courage to keep coming back on course, time and time again.”
You may have noticed that you aren’t perfect. That sometimes you aren’t the parent or the person you want to be. Sometimes you blow it. We all do. Welcome to humanity.
The bad news is that even if we’re committed to being the best parent, and best person, we can be, we will never be perfect. Life happens. We get off track. We get disconnected -- from our child, our partner, our own deepest guidance. We see the other person as making our life more difficult, rather than realizing that they're having a hard time. We feel hurt, we feel frustrated, we feel trapped. We lash out.
There’s no way to stay constantly on a path of harmony, without occasional wrong turns. In fact, all relationships are a constant series of connections and disconnections, missteps and course corrections.
The good news, though, is that the more quickly we notice those actions that are taking us in the wrong direction, the easier it is to course correct.
The even better news is that our sincere course corrections actually strengthen our relationships.
- Every time you re-connect with your child after a disconnection, you teach trust.
- Every time you choose love over anger, you role-model anger management.
- Every time you let go of hurt and reach for understanding, you model compassion.
- Every time you reach across a divide between you and a loved one, you testify to the boundlessness of your love, your commitment that "There ain't
no river wide enough" to keep your love from getting through.
So when you find yourself off track, don't be afraid to pause, re-group, apologize to your child, and find a way to repair. You're teaching one of the most essential lessons: That we all make mistakes, that we can all recover, that relationships are resilient and each of us has the power to repair them.
Worried that if you apologize every time you raise your voice, your child will begin to mistrust your apologies? You're right that it erodes trust to apologize and then not change your behavior. But the solution is to change your behavior, not to stop apologizing!
If you sometimes feel despairing about being able to change your behavior, you aren't alone. This is the most difficult work any of us can do. But that doesn't excuse us from doing it, even if sometimes it feels like pushing a boulder uphill. We can do hard things if we give ourselves support. And if we don't do this hard work, we leave that boulder for our children to push.
The solution is to give yourself the support you need, so you can stay more centered and emotionally generous on a daily basis. That way, you can tune in BEFORE things get out of hand, so you can course correct before things go too far off track. Every time you do that, you're re-wiring your brain, so you can manage yourself better. Which means you won't have so many opportunities to apologize!
Here are three best practices for faster course correction.
1. Notice your own reactions.
Like an airplane, you're actually equipped to notice when you get off-course. When you feel bad, that's your beeping red light on the dashboard. Your own upset feelings are a signal to you to change course.
You may have thought those feelings were a signal that something outside of you needed changing, like maybe your child. And yes, your internal alarm system is indeed designed to show you when something isn't working for you. But the message is always for you to begin by getting centered, so you can make a wise decision about the best way to intervene. (Hint: You're always modeling for your child, which means you want your interventions to include compassion and connection, even when you're setting limits.)
So when you veer into dangerous territory, just Stop, Drop (your agenda, just until you calm down) and Breathe (deeply at least three times.)
Resist taking action until you calm yourself. Use a mantra that helps you feel calmer and more emotionally generous, such as:
- It's not an emergency.
- He's acting like a child because he is a child.
- Choose love!
2. Remind yourself of your target destination.
For instance, at this moment maybe you're tired and frustrated, but your end goals are to stay positively connected to your child and to model emotional regulation, because that helps your child to self-regulate -- right now, and for the rest of her life.
What's your vision of your relationship with your child? Warm, close, your child being open to your guidance? Let all your steps take you toward that vision.
Ask yourself: If I were my child, what would I need right now?
3. Reconnect with your child.
Sure, you want to teach him a lesson. But he can't learn while he's in fight, flight or freeze. He needs to reconnect with you to feel safe. Once you reconnect with compassion, and everyone's settled down, he'll be open to your guidance again.
Feeling too angry to reconnect? Give yourself whatever support you need to get back on track. You're the grown-up, so you have to be the one to step up and heal the disconnects.
These three steps won't keep you from getting off course, but they will help you get back on track faster. So when you find yourself off course, don't worry about having been on the wrong path. Just start wherever you are, and course correct. Love will get you home.