The Cure for Whining
Should they get what they want by whining? Absolutely not. Should
they learn that they can get their way by marshaling good arguments
and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your
needs as well as theirs? Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere
in life. But how to help them make that transition?
Whining is
common with toddlers and preschoolers. Parents are usually advised
to tell their kids to ask in a nice voice, because they can't hear the
whiny voice. But whining is a symptom of a deeper issue. So if you
want to eliminate whining, you have to address what's underneath. If
your child's whining is driving you crazy, here are six parent-proven
secrets to stop your child from whining. Which secret you use depends on why he's whining.
1. Whining because he doesn't have the internal resources to cope with what's being asked
of him: Meet his basic needs for food, rest, down time, run-around time. He may not tantrum as much as he
used to, but he will certainly whine if you force him to endure that
shopping trip while he’s hungry and tired. Why create a negative
situation from which he’ll learn and repeat?
2. Whining
because she needs more connection: Be pre-emptive. Make sure
that your child gets enough of your positive attention, unprovoked.
Pre-empt whining by giving attention BEFORE she gets demanding. Anyone
who's had to ask a romantic partner "Do you love me?" knows that
attention given after you ask can never really fill the need. The secret
is to take the initiative and give attention the child hasn’t asked
for, often, so she feels your support and connection. And of course it's
particularly important to give attention when she shows the first sign
of needing your emotional support, before that quick downhill slide.
3. Whining because she doesn't like what's happening but feels powerless to get her way:
Lawrence Cohen says, "When children whine they are feeling powerless. If we scold them for whining or refuse to listen to them we increase their feelings of powerlessness. If we give in so they will stop whining, we reward that powerlessness. But if we relaxedly, playfully, invite them to use a strong voice, we increase their sense of confidence and competence. And we find a bridge back to close connection."
Start by letting her know that you hear what she wants, and you see her point of view: "You really want to go to the playground, and you keep telling me that, and here I keep stopping at all these stores that you aren't expecting, and you're disappointed, right?" Sometimes just feeling heard is enough to stop whining in its tracks.
Then, if she keeps whining, you can say playfully "You don't sound like yourself. I wonder where your usual strong voice went?"
Express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game: "Hey, where did your strong voice go? It was here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I'll help you find it. Help me look. Is it under the chair? No...In the toy box? No.... HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice."
Finally, give her alternate tools by teaching her how to ask appropriately for something
and negotiate with you. Since whining is so often a function of
powerlessness, generally helping your child to feel that she can get
what she wants through reasonable measures will carry over into the rest
of her life.
In other words, you don’t want her to learn that she gets her way in life by whining or tantrumming, but you do want her
to learn that she can get what she wants through managing her emotions,
seeing things from the other person’s point of view and setting up
win/win situations.
So if you simply don't have time to go to the playground today, then don't. Be empathic about his desire, and nurture him through the meltdown, as described in #4 below. But if your objection is to his whining, rather than his request, and he manages to pull himself together and ask in a
reasonable way for what he wants, then you'll be able to engage in the kind of conflict resolution that finds a win/win solution.
“Ok, you want to go to the
playground, and I need to stop at the hardware store. Let’s do this:
If you cooperate at the hardware store, we’ll have time to stop at the
playground on the way home. And if you are really good about getting
in and out of your car seat and not dawdling as we leave the house, we
can stay at the playground for five extra minutes.”
Are you "rewarding" whining? No, you're empowering him by demonstrating that finding solutions that work for both of you is the way to get what he wants in life.
4. Whining because he needs to cry: He has a lot of pent-up emotions about things that are stressing him -- the new babysitter you left him with on Friday night, that kid who grabbed the truck away in the sandbox, potty training, the new baby -- there's no end of stressful developmental challenges! Toddlers let off stress by simply having a meltdown, but as they get older they gain more
self-control, and begin to whine instead. Be kind in response to his whining until you get home and have a few minutes to spend with him. Then draw him onto your lap, look him in the eye and say "I notice you were feeling so whiney and sad, Sweetie. Do you just need to cuddle and maybe cry a bit? Everybody needs to cry sometimes. I'm right here to hold you."
5. Whining because it works: Don’t reward whining. Don’t give
in and buy the candy. Be kind and empathic about it ("You wish you could have that candy"), but explain that we don't reward
whining. Of course, be prepared for him to switch gears and ask
nicely. Then you might have to make that worth his while with some extra time at the
playground, even if you can't agree to candy! What you want is for him to automatically look for win/win solutions. If, by contrast, he feels
like he only gets the playground by whining, he’ll become an expert
whiner.
6. Whining
because you'll do anything to stop it: Change your attitude. Why do parents hate whining so much? Because
whining is your little one's more mature form of crying. She's letting
you know she needs your attention. And human grownups are programmed to
react to whining as much as to crying, so the needs of tiny humans get
met. So the minute you hear that whine, you react with anxiety. You'll
do anything to stop it.
But if you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that there's no crisis, you'll feel a lot better, and you'll parent better. Don't let your automatic crisis mode of fight or flight kick in. Don't feel like you have to do anything at all except love your child. Just smile at your child and give her a big hug. Most of the time, the whining will stop.
