Beyond Discipline for Preteens
"What kind of discipline works for preteens? What I was doing before (consequences) certainly doesn't work any more. It seems to make him more defiant and rude, and we all end up yelling. He doesn't do his homework. All he wants to do is skateboard with his friends or play computer."
The preteen transition is a tough one for most parents. Kids start to be heavily influenced by their desire to be respected by their peer group and that often conflicts with the standards we set at home.
Meanwhile, we lose the automatic respect that most young children feel for their parents, and we have to start earning it. Parents who rely on punishment to control their kids (including timeouts and consequences) realize in the preteen years that it no longer works. In fact, we learn that it's actually impossible to control them when they're out of our sight, which they often are. Our only hope to retain some influence is to earn it.
Unfortunately, if we've relied on punishment, we've neglected to lay the groundwork that will insure that a preteen "acts right." That groundwork includes a strong parent-child relationship so the child really WANTS to cooperate, and doesn't want to disappoint the parent. It also includes empathizing with feelings so the child gains the ability to regulate his emotions, which lets him regulate his behavior. Unfortunately, conventional parenting, which includes punishment, actually erodes the parent-child relationship so the child is less motivated to cooperate. And punishment doesn't help children learn to regulate their emotions, so they have less self-discipline. By contrast, kids who aren't punished, but are instead lovingly guided to make reparations and solve problems, are earlier to develop internal discipline and a strong moral sense.
So it works a lot better to just begin with respectful, positive guidance right from the beginning. That raises preteens who are respectful, considerate, responsible, self-disciplined and delightful, right through the teen years.
But what if you've been using punishment (such as consequences) and your child is now ten and acting disrespectful? It isn't too late, but you have some catching up to do. Here's how.
1. Start by committing to modeling a respectful tone.
If you're yelling, stop. Really. Kids lose respect for parents who yell, so you have less influence. They also learn that yelling is how to express emotions and solve problems, so they yell, too. It's not necessary to yell to get your child's attention if you have a good relationship.
2. Focus on strengthening the relationship
...so that when you set a limit ("Homework before screen time!") or express an expectation ("We speak civilly in this house") your child wants to cooperate. Make sure you have one-on-one time with each child every day, in which you mostly listen. If your child is "too busy" to connect, give foot massages and connect through her passions, for instance by listening to her music with her. You can't hope to have any influence if your kid doesn't enjoy being with you.
3. Agree with your child on non-negotiable family rules.
There shouldn't be many of them, stick to the important stuff, like respectful tone, homework, and screen time limits. Discuss them as a family and make an agreement. One of the keys to getting preteens to cooperate is letting them have some say in their lives.
4. Stop protecting your child from natural consequences.
When we worry about our child, we often intervene to protect her from natural consequences. So if your child can't seem to remember to turn in the permission slip for the class trip, you might want to help her brainstorm how she can remember when she gets to school tomorrow. But if she forgets, she'll learn an invaluable lesson. Don't rescue her.
5. Stop punishing.
Self discipline develops when the child CHOOSES to give up what they want for something they want more. What do they want more? To follow your lead and have a good relationship with you. So focus on the relationship instead of punishment.
What about "giving" consequences? That's punishment.
"If you don't do your homework, I'm taking away your phone."
This parent is concerned, naturally, about her child. But this approach has some unintended consequences that sabotage your child. First, she feels controlled, so she's more likely to rebel against you. Second, she doesn't end up taking responsibility for her behavior -- she just blames you.
What if, instead, you empathized, asked her questions and "wondered" to help her reflect on the effects of her actions?
"I see you're trying hard to get that math homework done this morning....It doesn't look like much fun to have to rush like that...Let's figure out a way to finish for you to finish your homework at night so you don't feel so stressed in the morning....."
The natural result of not getting her homework done the night before is having to rush to do it in the morning. If you can help her notice that effect herself, she's more likely to take responsibility by acting on that knowledge.
6. Focus on teaching your child to repair her mistakes.
Worried that your child isn't being "held accountable"? Introduce the concept of reparations. This isn't a consequence (punishment) that you impose. This is when you ask your child if there's something he can do to make the situation better now. For instance, if he says something mean to his sister, he'll need to do some repair work on that relationship. If he breaks something, he'll need to help pay for a replacement. But remember that if you think up the reparation and force it down his throat, it only makes sense that he'll reject it. Instead, let this be an empowering opportunity for him to learn that we all make mistakes -- and we can always take action to make things better.
7. Help your child develop good judgment by reflecting on her actions.
Questions work about one hundred times better than lectures.
"What were you wanting to have happen when you did this?"
"Was there some part of you that said 'Don't do this'?"
"What got into the way of you listening to that part of you?"
"How did that work out for you?"
"How did it work out for other people involved?"
"What else could you have done?"
"Right, you could have done X...how do you think that would have worked out? What would have happened then?"
8. Be kind but firm.
Assume your child will test you to see if you're serious. Stay cheerful while you keep enforcing the limits. For instance, be there during homework time and be sure your child stays on track with it instead of spending the time connecting with friends or playing computer. Because you have relied on punishment rather than helping your child develop inner discipline, this could take some time (weeks or even months). But after awhile your rule will become a habit, your child will reap the benefits of it, and he will begin to do it on his own.