Ask the Doctor - Answers to your Parenting Questions

What a tough dilemma! It's hard when your social circle is all parenting in a certain way. 

From your letter, it sounds to me like your choice is whether to keep your two year old home with you except for two or three afternoons a week when you teach, OR to put him in morning care, where he would have lunch there but would come home to nap. I assume that you would still be gone 2-3 afternoons each week, so on those days he would be in some kind of care for the full day? 

You ask if he will be behind socially or emotionally if you wait.  Actually, emotional development comes from his interaction with you, so he will be ahead emotionally if you wait.  Socially, he will not be behind if you wait three or six months, or even a year, as long as he has other social experiences during that time, and it is especially good if those social experiences include you (more below on this) because your presence facilitates the development of social skills.

Early school (and two years old is early developmentally) can even be a risk factor, because it asks so much of kids.  We don't see this because we don't want to see it, but many two year olds who start school begin compensating for the stress in other ways -- they regress, they hit their little siblings, they have bad dreams, they get more clingy.  

But school is also sometimes just fine.   I actually recommend it if a sibling is expected, because then it gives the child a world of his own, a bigger world, so he is not confined to a world where suddenly an interloper (the baby) dominates and is always at the center. When it is for only three hours a day, it is stressful but manageable for most kids, so the stakes are lower than all day.  But luckily you have a choice and you can decide based on what is ideal, rather than what is ok.

Bottom line, it depends on your child.  Groups will be stressful for a two year old no matter what, but some kids are more stressed than others by the sensory overload, noise, difficulty of making their needs known to caregivers, competition for toys, necessity of accommodating their own needs to the schedule, etc.  This is NOT a normal state for a two year old.  It is a modern idea that does not necessarily take little ones' needs into account. We justify it as good for them socially or academically.  It is not actually good academically (more on that below) and it is over-rated socially (more on that below.)

Many toddlers get overwhelmed and frightened easily in groups, which is why they lash out aggressively, or get more shy. Sometimes the child holds it together in the group setting but as soon as the parent appears to pick him up, he bursts into tears. That means it was very hard for him to be in school during that time and while he seemed fine to the teachers (in other words, did not create problems), he actually had a soaring heart rate and high levels of cortisol and other stress hormones, if we had measured them.  Now that the parent has returned, he is safe to cry and discharge all that stress.  So if your kid is like that, you don't want him in a group without you there until he is a bit older.

However, if he is easily comfortable in groups, then short periods in a group will be stimulating for him and he will be able to cope with your absence. So the bottom line here is your boy's personality.  If he is the kind of person who always asks to see other kids, then maybe the group will be good for him.  If not, then it will probably be bad for him until he is a bit older.

As I said, some kids will be more stressed than others. One factor is the child's own sensory processing and temperament, including how much time he likes alone vs in groups.  BUT another factor is whether he feels there is an adult available to help him navigate this new environment. 
 
Here's what the research shows.

1. The ideal age to start all-day care (meaning approximately 9am-3pm) is actually not until at least four, if not five, years old.  That's because toddlers and preschoolers who are in preschool all day have heightened levels of cortisol and other stress hormones by the afternoon.  I understand you are looking at morning care only for most days.  We have less research on that, but we have to assume that even morning care will be somewhat stressful, building to the measurable stress in the afternoon.  Naturally, the group experience with all that stimulation (and no mom to help him cope) is stressful compared to being home.

2. Toddlers are not biologically designed to be away from parents for long periods of time.  In tribal situations, two year olds do go off with the bigger kids for an hour at a time, and they love it.  But when they need refueling, emotionally or physically, they are returned to mom.  (Usually they are still nursing.)

3. What is it they need the mom for at that point?  Well, the parents are their "North Star" around which they orient, their "attachment object."  Other kids are never an appropriate attachment object, which is why teenagers who orient around the peer group have such a hard time. 

4. Can Daycare workers be (substitute) attachment objects? Yes, and in fact that is the only way that kids can do without us while they are in school.  They temporarily "transfer" their attachment focus from us to the teachers. However, the attachment relationship they provide is not usually a secure attachment because of the competing demands for their attention and because they are not usually "permanent" in the child's life.

5. The prevailing theory about why "school" is hard on little ones is that they don't have one caregiver who is always responsive to their needs.  The kids who have that (in the form of a caregiver at home) don't have elevated cortisol.  But that is a caregiver at home, one on one with the child. Even very good "schools" who designate a specific caregiver for three or four toddlers (and this is rare, the norm for toddlers in the US is more like six toddlers to one worker) don't have the capacity to have that person be solely available to your child.  What's more, she will inevitably have sick days or days off, and not be available.  But simply sharing her with so many kids the same age is stressful because she cannot only respond to your child's needs, whether that would be for a snuggle when he's tired, or to help him navigate a playground dispute, or to get him a drink when he's thirsty, or to delay the next scheduled activity because he wants to watch the worm on the sidewalk. 

6. Daycare centers do teach kids, through experience, something about how to cope socially.  However, kids can learn those same skills in playgroups with mom there.  In fact, having mom there to give him language for what's happening ("You want the truck and Ilan wants the truck.  Two kids and one truck! How can we work this out?") and help him learn ("Ilan has the truck now, and you will have the truck next.  I will help you wait.  Do you want to make a road with the plow while we wait for the truck?" ) is actually MORE helpful in learning prosocial skills than just throwing him into a group situation without a designated caregiver.  That's sort of a "sink or swim" approach.

7. Research has shown that Empathy is the most important social skill.  The development of empathy comes from being treated empathically.  There is no way a daycare worker will be able to see things from your child's point of view as well as you can, or offer the empathy you can.  So the most important social skill -- empathy -- is taught by the parents, not in "school" group situations.  Daycare compromises the learning of empathy.

8. Do kids get something fantastic academically out of the group setting?  No.  Having a parent who will stop to watch the worm on the sidewalk, who will let him move through his day at his own pace, is what makes for high IQ. Group situations may expose kids to more things than you would, but that is "sophistication" and is easy to catch up with.  It is not actually the ability to think, which will develop more quickly one on one with you.  Now, there are wonderful learning experiences in school, including Montessori manipulatives, books, etc.  But parents can provide those things at home, or kid museums, without the downside of the separation.

9. Do toddlers get something socially fantastic out of the group setting?  That depends on the child. I have already spoken about the downsides for many children.  The upside is that some kids LOVE the group experience and thrive on it for a few hours a day.  You will know if your child is one of these kids because he will crave outings where there will be other kids, and will navigate them well.

If it were me, I would have my son stay home another year, especially because he is going to be away from you 2-3 afternoons a week regardless.  But I did not have kids who craved the group experience.

There is one more important issue in your decision.  Given that most of his peers will be in school already, the question is, are there any playgroups you can join with him, where you will be with him at the playgroup?  Even informal ones at the park?  What happens to the other ten percent of kids, who are not in school?  Do their moms take them to playgroups in the park or "Mommy and Me" classes for music or swimming or anything?  Of course, going to the store or gardening or to the museum or market with you -- these experiences are not social, but are IQ-expanding and fantastic for him to do with you.  And a weekly trip to the library is wonderful.  And if he has friends come over in the afternoon after they are out of school a few days a week, that is plenty of social play.  You could even think of this as "home schooling" for this year. 

Good luck!,
Dr. Laura