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My husband (their Stepdad) hates my kids

Dear Dr.,

My 12 yr old and her step father can't seem to get along. My husband will consistently criticize my daughter, keep telling me that she will not do well in school, will do drugs, get pregnant and drop out of school. She has a 76% grade average.  She has promised me that she will work harder to bring up her marks in school. I have been seeing how hard she's trying lately, but my husband doesn't see it.

My daughter hates her stepdad, because of his negative thinking towards her, and because she has heard us argue many times about these things. My husband is very judgmental towards her. He feels that I'm too easy on her. Well maybe i am, but she knows how important it is to get a good education, i remind her of that all the time. He makes me feel that i am not doing a good job.

I also have a 17 yr "A" student. I believe that my 12 yr old will also become an "A" student. She would much rather hang out with her friends and spend time on the computer then homework.  She has a certain amount of time on the PC and has to be home at a certain time. I have plenty of rules.

My husband's 17 yr old (not living with us) is not an "A" student.  His youngest for the past 3 yrs has had to attend summer school to bring his marks up. So i feel like...How dare he judge me about my daughter?  I also feel that my 12 yr is just screaming out for a "Father figure."  Her dad is in another province, and her stepdad is not giving her the affection she so desires from him. How can i bring these 2 together ?

I feel that if i could just get him to love her, then she would have such a totally different outlook on life. She seems so depressed. But there's only so much that i can do. i spend time with her before bedtime, our alone time. I know that helps, but she needs more. He never wants to do anything as family fun either. Please help me to help my daughter and husband to get along and respect each other.
Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,
You are absolutely right to be worried. Children respond to the messages they receive from the adults around them. They are just figuring out who they are, and they assume we know. So if a parent figure, including a rejecting stepdad, gives negative messages, you can count on a child to live up -- or down -- to those messages. Your husband almost certainly does not realize he is endangering your daughter, and may even think he is being constructive, but he is actually programming her to get pregnant, do drugs, and drop out of school.

You say that your daughter seems depressed. Twelve is a pivotal age, when kids are deciding where they are most likely to get their needs met -- their families or their peer group. If your husband doesn't ever want to do fun family activities, and constantly criticizes her, why on earth would she be looking to her family for support and belonging?

It's terrific that you spend time with your daughter each night before bedtime. However, I think it is important to also create family time every weekend. If your husband won't join in, then leave him out, but make sure that you and your daughter have something special to do together, whether it is as simple as going out for an ice cream cone and a walk, or making a festive dinner together. If you want ideas for dinner table conversation that could build bridges, you might want to read the list of family conversation starters in the Talking with Your Kids section of this website.

Your husband needs some basic parenting lessons, but I suspect he wouldn't be interested.  If his concern for your daughter is genuine, then a good family therapist would be able to help him articulate his concern for her more effectively, and help your daughter articulate her hurt, so the two of them could begin to build a bridge. If he refuses to see a family therapist with you, or to change his way of relating to your daughter, it would be an indication that he isn't willing to care about her and do what's best for her -- which would be to make some changes in his way of relating to her. 

If that''s the case, you have a tough choice to make, because letting this situation continue really is endangering your daughter. You are a brave woman to have confronted this reality in your own mind and have written to me. I hope you can find the courage to stand up to your husband and protect your daughter. Your willingness to do that may be exactly what is required to shift this precarious situation.

If you need help finding a referral in your area, please don't hesitate to contact me. I wish you strength and every blessing.
Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura

I know what you mean. My step dad is the same way.  He criticizes me all the time and he thinks he is helping when really he is not he is just going to cause me to either leave the house or not speak to him. it seems like everything i do is not good enough for him. so i know what you mean....

ps for all you step dads out there grow up and realize that things are not the same as they used to be!!

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,
What a terrible feeling to get from your stepdad, that you are never good enough.

Do you think you could sit down with your stepdad and explain to him that you are trying hard but you feel like you are never good enough for him and it makes you feel like giving up?

Do you have anyone on your side (like your mom), who you can talk to and who can talk to your stepdad? This is too hard for a young person to go through alone. You need support from an adult who understands. If your mom won't help you, I advise you to find another adult you can talk to -- maybe a family member, or school counselor.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Dr. Laura

My situation exactly. My husband HATES my kids and the feeling is mutual. One of my boys is off at college and isn't in the picture... my other son is 22 and between jobs (dropped out of college a couple years ago) and husband took it upon himself to text message him "Your stuff is in MY new office... Trash day is Tuesday." (as in "you have two DAYS t oget your stuff out of your room and I don't care where the h*ll it ends up)... I can understand "you need to get on your feet" but ONLY TWO DAYS to get his stuff out of the house???? with NO warning????

Now we're down to my 13 year old daughter.... and my husband has NOTHING good to say about her (in spite of the fact that she's just made the honor roll for the 4th consecutive quarter)... he expects her to handle herself like an adult but she's barely a teenager!!! He won't share the TV with her, gripes whenever she has friends over, says she's lazy...well, how the heck does he EXPECT her to react.... she's going to spend every waking MINUTE in her room as long as he's treating her like this,I don't blame her a BIT for not wanting to be in the same room with him, let alone doing chores while he's on his @$$ in front of the TV..... (I should note that HE has no kids, just two good-for-nothing MUTT dogs.)

I spend my whole waking existence being the mediator between the two of them and worrying about what I've done (or what my daughter might do) to piss him off and I'm just SICK of it....I'd throw him out (the house is mine from before we got married) but I need his help with the bills.... THIS SITUATION IS HOPELESS

Chocaddict


Dear Chocaddict,

Existence is meant to be more than running interference and trying to keep your husband from getting angry. I hear how hopeless you are. The only way out of hopelessness is to recognize whatever power you have in the situation, and to take it. And, in fact, you have quite a lot of power here.

I want to encourage you to stick up for your kids and yourself. It's your responsibility as a Mom to protect your kids. Your husband's attitude toward your daughter is actually endangering her, because she will start looking elsewhere for male approval, and will live down to his expectations. It certainly isn't good for your 22year old, either, but I assume you stepped in and intervened. If it's your house, then you get to decide what happens with your son's stuff. Your husband sending that text was not only irresponsible as a stepparent, but was completely disrespectful to you.

I hear that you think you need your husband's help with the bills. But I also hear that you are paying a very high price for that help, and sacrificing your kids in the process. If you need to take in a tenant, fine. But endangering your kids' emotional health for money isn't worth it.

I suspect that if you decide to lay down the law with your husband, he will either change or go, and all of you will be better off. I wouldn't wait for your daughter to ruin her life before taking action.  Good luck!
Dr. Laura

View Older Comments

Anonymous commented on 18-Nov-2009 01:33 PM
I have been with my husband for 9 years ,hes mentally abusive to my 3 boys, i have asked him to leave because he and my 18 year old son got into a big fight. my son has so much anger and has never liked my husband much but husband is so good to me and thinks his way is better then my way i am not the kind of mom who gets in their face a swears at them, i have a hard decision my husband wants to come back and be a better step fahter, but i fear that it wont chance, my oldist son 18 is a mess and says he will leave and end his life, well sadly my son has always been highly emotional and has caused a first divorce earlier in his years, i have gone to counceling doctors and ext, to them he says hes fine, no he isnt or is it really my husbnds fault??? i have raised these boys on my own till him , this is all 2 of them know as a dad and they have mixed feeling because of the older one..............whats right , do i let my children control my life, i cant tell if they want him out to take advantage of me and so they can break all the rules we had because he enforced them better??
Anonymous commented on 09-Dec-2009 05:16 PM
my step dad hurts me , i hate him.
Dr Laura Markham commented on 09-Dec-2009 06:08 PM
Dear Anonymous, If your stepdad is hurting you -- either physically or emotionally -- you need help. Can you talk to your mom about what's happening? If she can't help you, for whatever reason, please find another adult who can help. A family member, a school counselor... Please find help as soon as possible. No one deserves to be hurt, and adults have the responsibility to protect the children in their care. Please write back if you need help. --Dr. Laura
Anonymous commented on 21-Dec-2009 01:13 PM
Hi, I am in the same situation. I have been married a litle over two years and my husband hates my thirteen yr old daughter. Before we married I thought that he liked her, but now all he does is say negative things about her. Her father has been in prison for the last ten years and my husband is always telling her that he can't wait for him to get out so that she can live with him. Last year my husband kicked my daughter out of the house because she forgot to take out the trash. He called for my father to pick up my daughter from the house and he also called the police because he was fearful of what she may do. She was gone for 3 months and even though she's back nothing has changed. His 14 yr old daughter also lives with us who in eyes does no wrong. Even though she steals and has brought drugs into our house and he didn't punish her, only made her take a drug test. I am tired of the whole situation, besides divorce, I don't know what else to do. You ca't sit down and talk to him because he starts cussing and threatening divorce because he doesn't know ho to deal with his problems.
hypnochick commented on 08-Feb-2010 08:42 PM
I have just read all the comments and OMG. What am I going to do. I to have a 15 year old daughter who doesn't get along with my husband. This is how childish my husband is he won't even talk to her & yells if he wants her to get out of the shower, clean her room. He doesn't see the good in her & how well she is doing at school. It upsets me that I have put my daughter in that situation. I have a 7 year old son to my husband and he plays and reacts like a loving father with him but won't even give my daughter a hello. It's aweful. I don't think my husband cares if she is around or not. He never asks where is she or how she is going. Then feels like we are keeping secrets if we don't tell him anything. She goes to her fathers house just so she can feel loved. I am so stressed with dealing with my home life, working full time and then running the household. I have put on weight and don't like who I am turning into. I have started hypnotherapy to help with stress & to lose weight. But I am worried about my children as they can see we aren't happy. I just need the courage to stand up to him. Thats where I need help. My husband job deals with the low life in society and I think he brings that home with him. He used to be a good husband & father.
Anonymous commented on 20-Feb-2010 07:23 PM
OMG Im not the only one in this situation. My partner was so kind & friendly before we moved in togeather. He now critisizes everything both my 16 yr old & 11 yr old does. Calls them both lazy swears to me about them.He's always negetive. He used to do everything with them/us now it feels as tho he wants me all to himself. When ive suggested I will move out he says he couldnt bear to be without me. Ive told him he had to take the 3 of us not just me. I feel so confused because hes a loving caring person yet he treats my kids like dirt now.I feel like im caught in the middle of this, I try to be a good mum, i feel pushed into all different directions. I love my kids will all my heart, I love him too. I just dont know what to do. Feels like we are walking on egg shells. Im used to being open & talking with my kids about everything, now I barely can do that because he ends up acting like a spoilt brat. I have been thinking I should leave him for the kids best intrests, but its hard when I want to be with him. Ive spoken to him & asked why he is like this why hes so moody. He wont get help with his own issues & this im not used to. I hate this situation.
Laura Markham commented on 22-Feb-2010 08:53 AM
I'm so saddened to read these comments. In an ideal world, these situations wouldn't be happening. But this isn't an ideal world. This is a world that tests us and asks us to grow, over and over.

When you are with a man who is negative toward your child, what is being asked of you? I think your heart knows. My suspicion is that you are being asked to stand up for love -- not romantic love, which often isn't really about love (it's often more about dependency and sexual attraction, but that's another story) -- but real love, the selfless kind that humans learn by being parents.

In other words, I suspect that in these cases where your children are being negatively impacted by a man you have chosen to bring into their lives, you are being asked to step up and take responsibility. You signed a spiritual contract when you had a child, that you would place that child's well-being above your own desires. That's just the deal when you have a child. They're only with us for a small part of our lives -- 18 years. Whatever else is going on in our lives during those years, our responsibility is to protect them from harm and give them the conditions they need to thrive.

What should you do? That's your choice. I personally would try to make things better by insisting on family therapy. But if that didn't work, for whatever reason, I would set a deadline and get my kids to into a situation where they feel unconditionally loved. Isn't that what all kids deserve?
paula commented on 26-Feb-2010 07:43 AM
Hello i have re-married sept last year, i have 3 grown kids and three grandsons my husband has two kids 8 and 10 they live with there mum, they were coming to see us once a month, now the youngest he wont come to visit i think it is because of me. As for my kids i have done so much for them and still try and my husband does not like it. I lend them my car and the response i get is not nice. My husband does not make my grand kids feel the way i like the oldest is only 2. The others he does not want me to have anything to do with them really as they are my older boys and has done the wrong thing by me some times, but they are my kids and they come first.He was different before we got married now i feel i want to be on my own should never of got re-married plz give advise if you can thanx Paula
Anonymous commented on 20-Mar-2010 08:05 PM
I am in the same postion but i moved out from him on my own, we have tried to talk about our issue's but he said if I move back to his home I cannot bring my one daughter it is hurting my relationship and I am fed up with his controling ways, when his kids come into the picture there is nothing they can do wrong. My daughter has talked with him but to no avail he just's hated her she's is emotional but she is mine and I am the mother and father I do it all and if that's what it takes so be it, I just wish I saw all this before hand because my children have suffered along with myself but he won't change I know that and I will survive because my children come first, yes I am stuggling but surviving!
Anonymous commented on 09-Apr-2010 11:53 AM
Hi, This situation is exactly like mine. 10yrs relationship and constantly walking on egg shells, being the referee between my young teens and my second husband. After 2 trys I had the courage to leave. Its hard but the pressure of his behavior with my kids is over. The kids don't miss him. That's how much they hated him. I just wasn't mentally ready. Now i'm alone with my kids but not yet on my two feet. It will come. My decision was the best for my family. Its never too late too start over. I'm 44 yrs. Your kids are young only once. Good luck!
Been There, Done that commented on 07-May-2010 01:31 PM
Apparently this is a common situation. I was in the same boat about 3 years ago with a man that hated my boys. He also had children (one son that lived with us and a daughter that lived with her mom)who had different rules than my children did. I made the mistake of giving up my home and moving in with him and that is when it all went down hill. He became verbally abusive to both me and my children and eventually he bacame physically abusive to me. I had no where to go and he made sure I had no money to leave him. I finally made up my mind when one morning he called me very bad names in front of my children and shoved me down onto the floor in front of them. No matter who they are it WILL affect your children in the long run. I remember leaving him and being homeless but feeling so relieved that I was out of that situation, and that is when my children opened up to me and told me that thay remember hearing him yelling at me and being frightened that he was going to hurt me and being angry to the point of wanting him to "just die" because of the way he was. I couldn't believe that thay were going through that and I didn't realize it. I was too busy "putting out the fires" to notice. No child should have to endure that kind of hostility or fear. And in as much as we are supposed to protect our children they also have a protection instinct for us. (called love) I hope you ladies are really "hearing" what you are saying about what you are accepting someone who is not your "blood" to do to your kids. There are no "perfect " children out there and they all go through their problems. We as parents need to be their sounding boards and really listen to them before it is too late. We can never go back and "fix" what we do to them and they may be able to forgive us in time but I assure you they will never forget.
just me commented on 17-May-2010 12:33 AM
Hi, I am in a situation that is similar. I married a man who already had children and I too had children , we then had 3 children together. Up until a point , he seemed to be great with my children and I took his in like my own . About 2 yrs into the marriage all but his youngest daughter decided that they didn't want any siblings and stopped visiting all together . They moved 600 miles away with their mother this past summer and my husband seems to be holding it against me and the children that still reside with us. My children from my first marriage look up to him and have recently started to exhibit some similar behaviors of my husband ( constant anger and blaming ). Our children , his biological children by me, aren't even accepted by him the way that his children from his first marriage are . He treats us as if we all are sub-par . I have asked him to get counceling and he has agreed about 100 times , but he never goes through with it. Everything was fine until his first children left. I don't know maybe someone could shed some light on this situation , I do believe that the man I married is still in there somewhere and my children do too. Do people ever recover from things like this? or am I fighting an uphill battle and losing all the way? I think he wants rid of us all but when I ask him if thats what he wants , he says that we're all that he has to live for and all in the same breath tells my 11yr old son that if we divorce it will be because of him . ( Yes, We had words over that) I have no idea where it came from either...we were in the car , no one was angry , in fact my husband was 1/2 asleep. When our 2 yr old tried to climb out of the car seat My 11 yr old asked for help getting her back in and he flew off the handle and told my 11 year old that " You'll be the cause of this divorce " What could be causing his behavior? My children don't want us to divorce because they remember the step dad who took them camping for the first time and took them hiking nearly every weekend but since his first children abandoned him he does nothing with the rest of the kids and everything is always our fault. Should I have hope or is it time to throw in the towel?
hippigirl commented on 20-May-2010 03:12 PM
I am a woman who lived 15 years with a stepfather who hated me (I was 5). My mother knew how he felt, and went ahead and married the psycho anyway. Nothing I did was ever right, and he was a firm believer in the belt. If you want to have a relationship with your daughter when she's an adult, get rid of the husband. Money is a poor reason to stay with someone who treats your kid badly. I've not spoken to my mother in 20 years....because she didn't leave him, and she never put me first. It was always about him, his likes, his wants, etc. My mother and her husband aren't together anymore. Now she has no man, no daughter, no nothing. No man is worth losing your child's love over.
Anonymous commented on 25-May-2010 12:05 PM
I am in the same boat as you. I have a 17 year old from a previous marriage and a ten year old with my current husband. He has always been more loving and forgiving on our son together and rough on my son. He has a temper also and yells and never talks. I believe in talking and he thinks our kids are "renters" n our house and he should be the dictator. His house, his rules. I work and contribute to and it is my house to! He seems to forget that. The kids respect me more than him as he flies off the handle and been inconsistant with both of them based on his mood where I am the same. He has also told my 17 year old since he was maybe 14 "you will be the casue of my divorce". My 17 year old has a job, good grades, girlfriend (Which of course he hates and she is scared of him), and is a very good child according to me and everyone who knows him. My husband is hardworking, loyale and honest, but when it comes to the bad part he is only concerned with himself, and is disrespectful to me and my son. He says he "demands respect" and I told him you can't demand it but have to earn it. He does not understand this. He pays 75% of the bills and he deserves respect. He never complimented my son, only tells him what he does wrong. Like the above person, now he just ignores him and won;t acknowledge his presence and will not support or do anything for him. I have a job and made good money and pay! He just has his own company and made alot more! His Dad visted us this year and left angry at his own son for how he is being to us. He is losing his business, and many friends have jumped ship He thrives on Drama. Now he is hiding int he bedroom watching TV and wants to take all the money out of our account and leave to AZ- He says the world is fake and no one can be trusted. I know he needs help but he refuses to believe it and when I tell him to go talk to someone he just accuses me of telling him what to do..........thankfully my son is leaving for college in the fall and I will miss him but glad he is leaving this situation! (Got bad about 2 years ago when my son grew up and lot respect for step fathers behavior) Suggestions please?!!!
Anonymous commented on 29-May-2010 07:15 AM
Hi Im in a situation that i dont know what to do. My husband and i are married almost a year. At first he liked my daughter, she is living with my mom. I visit her every month. She is five years old. He is always negative about her. When she come and visit us, he dont talk to her or even play with. He will rather shout at her for playing with the peels of the onions. And she would start crying. She is still very young. And she does not hate him. To her its like me shouting at her when she did something wrong. Every time I want to visit her he get angry. She dont come to our house anymore. I dont want to expose my daughter to this man who dont like my daugter. I need help! What can I do?
jammie commented on 11-Jun-2010 08:55 PM
I met my husband when my daughter was 1yrs old. He seems like a great guy he seemed to love her and her him. Once we got married a year into our marriage that all changed he became controlling and wanted to make all the decisions and would get angry if I wouldn't comply. We have been married 11 yrs and have had 3 other children my daughter is now 13 the only time he talks to her is to bark orders or say what is wrong with her. He is tough on our children together also but does give them affection and attention too. But not my daughter he can't even look her in the face unless he is yelling about something. I have been staying home raising the kids these 11 yrs I did not finish high school and have only had one job my whole life that i worked for 1 yr. While I am raising our children he has finished college and worked. I feel trapped! I don't know how I would support my kids on my own as he has dealt with all the finances and we live in a small area. I pray I could win money so as to leave him and still be able to support my four children. I love him but love my daughter more and can't stand this situation! Any suggestions?
depressed commented on 25-Jun-2010 09:09 PM
I am actually a victim related to this kind of situation. I am 17 years old and I have a stepdad that i don't get along with. I grew up with a single mother, so she is the only person that I have. My stepdad and me fight all the time. He always wants me to just stay home, but he lets my younger sister(her real daughter) go anywhere she wants. She can even go sleep over at somebody's house, but I can't do that because then he starts sayin that why am i going to sleep over at somebody's house when I have my own bed. But he never says that to my sister!
so things been really bad for i dont know how many years, well yesterday i really got tired of it, && when i asked him if i could go out he say no, i ignore him, && went out. && today he basically kicked him out of the house, but i am still here in the house. I am jus tryin to decide if i should move back to where i was born with my aunt, who says she will love to have me, or to just stay here and keep deal with his crap and ignore what he says. The thing is that there is things that are holdin me back, I am really confused right now. My boyfriend says I should stay. My ex boyfriend says to move in with him && ask to marry him! aaaaa! i am lost && confused.
I am tired from everythin my stepdad did to me. At first when i was 12-14 he wasnt that strict, but as i kept gettin older, he kept gettin meaner. He has call me a bitch, etc... I have always respect him, I have never brought a guy at home (he don't like it) I have always ask him for permission to go out, but yesterday i got tired of everything. I am tired of his crap, when he treats me like shit or something. How come he is not like that with his real daughter? but now, with me, everything is different. A lot of people are still suprised that I haven't ran away from the house, or end up pregnant, since he is always sayin that im going to end up like that. I don't know what to doo, right now I need to make a decision, and i dont know what to decide. I need help so bad. I don't know where to goo or what to do.
Kaylee B commented on 28-Jun-2010 09:38 PM
my boyfriend of 3 years acts the same way to my daughter, but shes only 5 we have 2 kids otgether a boy and girl. my oldest dad is in prison. her step dad calls her names like ugly, stupid, fat. he says hes jokeing but i told him to stop cuz that will affect her when she gets older. he calles her a pervert, nasty, hes soo mean to her hell say things like its your fault why me and mom fight. or hell say in front of her that if we brake up its because of her. he says im way to easy on her. and i know i am but his ideas of being in trouble are in you room all day no toys no tv no nothing. i dont agree on that at all. im sick if him i really am. my daughter deserves better. What do i do ive talked t him several times about how hes talking to her and how im sick of it and in like readdy to seperate. but he never leaves!!! what more can say to him? oya he also says shell be a slut at age 12 doing drugs and shell quite school. i cant take much more. i just dont know hat to do. please email me at kay121909@yahoo.com if you can help me.....
(step)daughter commented on 06-Jul-2010 11:37 PM
Hey, if it makes any of the older stepchildren/moms out there feel better, I have an abusive stepfather who criticized me horribly throughout high school, telling me I was an awful person because I worked hard in school but didn't spend enough time cleaning the house or would leave a light on in a room and waste electricity. We were fortunate enough to have housekeepers but he told me I was bankrupting the family by thinking about going to a private university. I went to one of the best schools in the country, a private $45k/year school and he paid. Despite all the years of criticism, I still succeeded. so there's hope :)
Henrietta commented on 23-Jul-2010 05:18 AM
My heart goes to all the previous posters. I have been married for 4 years (together for 10) . Both myself & my husband have a daughter each from previous relationships. His daughter is 23 & living with her boyfriend. My daughter is 20 & has lived with us for the past 3 years. My husband will not communicate with my daughter. He bottles up all the things that annoy him & recently when he's had a drink he vents his spleen to me. I have asked him to talk to her directly but he says that's my job not his! He cannot appreciate that I am all she has. Her father refused to have any contact with her since her 10th birthday. My mother (who she lived with previously) died in october last year. She has problems with depression (not surprisingly) & has made great steps toward feeling better. She starts a college course in september & is feeling positive about her future which is wonderful. If she is in a room he will walk out. The atmosphere is awful. He was made redundant last year & I understand he feels low & is frustrated but he is wearing me down by his constant digs at how lazy, fat, idle, unusual my daughter is. His daughter is not an angel (myself & his daughter get along very well) but if I dare try to get him to make comparisons so he can appreciate my daughter is just a normal 20 year old it's like I have insulted him! I so desperately want them to communicate like adults but he is not even prepared to try. My daughter is trying & I know she is badly affected by the conflict even though there is no verbal communication between them. The silence is deafening! To be truthful even though I'm 44 years old I could just pack & leave. This is breaking my heart to see the 2 people I love dislike each other so much. My daughter & I have always had a close relationship & communicate well. He says it irritates him that I 'baby' her! I am her mother until I die so surely to hug & kiss & tell her I love her often is normal? I cannot see this getting any better. Any tips?
Mistreated commented on 27-Jul-2010 01:10 AM
im13 & got in this huge fight with my stepdad.he pinned me 2 the floor choked & slapped me.wen i tried 2 apologize he wudnt listen & sent me 2 my room.he tells my mom 2 shut up & treats her like crap.she doesnt do anything & begs him 2 stop doin those things 2 us.hes done this to my 14 yr old brother 2 & has punched him.we always argue w/our stepdad.he thinks we do everything wrong, especailly my brother.he puts him down about grades & nvr says he luvs us.i dnt want 2 ask my mom 2 divorce cuz id feel bad.
Anonymous commented on 28-Jul-2010 10:49 PM
Wow I thought I was the only one who was having these's difficulties - in whether to say in a marriage or leave. My husband (2nd) has got several kids and step kids in his life other than mine but his stepson hates him, 2 step daughters (one tried to commit suicide last week)only have contact when they want money, his daughter has been living in refugees since the age of 14 and has just had her own baby she is now 18 and his son 11 lives with us. His excuse for all of them is they are greedy scabs and their mothers made them like they are....... I have a daughter 12 and a son 14, my husband hates my son and treats him bad always saying he is lazy, rude etc etc but I dont think he is - he works parttime, does chores, going well at school actually I am surprised how well he does cope. When I try to stick up for my son my husband accuses me of liking my son better than my daughter which is rubbish but his way for bringing all back on me because he says he is perfect popular and never does anything wrong. His son would like to live with his Mum but it is a competition between them to see who can win this little boy. my husband actually gets on with my daughter but she doesnt like the mood swings he has and the verbal abuse that subjects one all of us. I guess warning bells should of went off when I am his 4th marriage/live-in relationship and his ex said better you than me....... I am getting my finances together and then I am GONE but the one regret I have is that I have to leave his son with him......
Anonymous commented on 02-Aug-2010 09:06 PM
My partner of three years is continuously criticizing my adult children. They both are oout on their own and visit me only occasionally but when they do she finds fault with them. to them she is always nice but when they are not here she is very critical. Naturally I defend them. My daughter has a 16 month old child and I only get to see them about three times a year because of distance. I love my kids and my partner but I can't take any more. Tonight I told her to leave. Any suggestions
Anonymous commented on 03-Aug-2010 01:26 PM
I was in the same situation until my 3 daughters grew up and moved to another city. But the problem then was with my 13 year old son that I decided to send him over with his sisters which they have guardianship of him. Now, it seems that one of his daughters, 13 years old, ran away from home (she always lived with her alcoholic mother) and my husband is thinking of bringing her here with us. Now the problem is that I don't want her here. After all of the time he treated my kids bad he expects me to accept his daughter?
Kim commented on 02-Sep-2010 09:53 AM
I am in another fight with my husband over my daughter, his step-daughter. She is 17 and a wonderful young woman. She takes AP classes, has always kept her grades on the honor roll level, has nice friends and is respectful. My husband however only sees what he wants to see. He constantly picks fights with her over the most stupid things!! If she leaves her coffee cup on the counter too long, he goes into a rant about how lazy she is and how she doesnt do the dishes or help out around the house. His son lives with us because his mother was physically abusive to him. I love him like he is my birth child. His dad takes his side over my daughters though. Anytime Tanner has a sibling problem, my husband blows it out of porportion and ends up arguing with the kids!! I am sooo fed up!! I work full time as a teacher and come home to nothing but fights and a messy house that no one will touch. My husband wants the kids to do it. My son blames my oldest saying she never helps out, then my husband takes his side and yells at my daughter. Today, I get a text that my husband has been arguing with my daughter over NetFlicks!!! It seems that she didnt offer to let him view the movie before she returned it!!! SERIOUSLY??? He is 55 years old and he acts like a child... I love him but all this tension is making me wish I could just leave. I know it sounds trivial but its all the time!! NEVER a day goes by that we dont end up in an conflict over his treatment of my daughter. I will NOT have anyone treat my kids badly. Why cant he grow up!!!! AHHHHHHH
K commented on 13-Sep-2010 10:22 AM
i am living in the same situation, except I helped the jerk get a phd and get his immigration into the us (and no kids by him thank god!!!!). He started out nice but claims he made warnings about this situation when the kids would hate him, well folks, he is playing all the games, not talking to the kids, putting them down, telling them how lazy they are (as he sleeps in till noon) his is like another damn kid, except he DOES mouth back, make everyone feel miserable, blames, yells about the electric use, while running the tv and dvd player into the wee hours of the morning. He tries to glorify all that he does, when he chooses to do it, and when the kids disrespect me, he gets all defensive and starts to yell at them instead of giving them ways to better themselves, but in the next minute, put me down in front of them, and so it looks like their behavior is my fault, and yelling at me is ok, how screwed up is that, well my son recently wrote a letter and said that he loved me and hated is stepdad, well I think it is normal for kids to write or think such things when they are upset, id hate someone too who never kisses me and only criticizes me....well my husband says, "see I told you about this a long time ago" and all I can say is give me ways to mend what you "see" and he gets madder and stops talking to me, I cant see that there are jerks in this world, I would NEVER DREAM of doing this crap to anyone!
Rowena commented on 13-Sep-2010 04:22 PM
WOW.. These are all so familiar to me .. I have a 17 girl and 12 year old boy . My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years now. My kids despise him . He was good with them for the first few years and then started treating them like they are adults. He grew up miltary style , therefore demands the same from my kids. Im not strict with them . I have rules and they do a great job at following .. But the last year has gotten extremely worse , to the point my son and my BF don't even speak .Like a simple hello. Supper time is extremely awkward, as there is no conversation at all .. Whenever I bring up the fact that this is completely ridiculous that they do not speak .. He just freaks out and blames my parenting skills on the reason they don't speak .. Although he has no kids and hos skills are A1,,..Yah right ,.. I was to the point of going to counselling just to deal with the stress of going home.. I have asked him to go to parenting classes and he says when your son grows up , i will then ,> he doesn't want to do anything about it , that he actually has to put an effort into yet, he will sit there and bitch about them daily.. I cannot figure this out .. Can someone shed some light on this for me...
chelle commented on 18-Sep-2010 06:28 AM
My step dad always critisises me too, he says the college courses i have done any idiot could pass them. He always makes me feel uncomfortable in the house by nearly knocking me over in the hallway anytime he sees me. Also he gives me long hard stares and gets angry with me if i argue with my mum or my sister who is his and my mums kid. I have Obsessive compulsive disorder and don't like people touching my food and things he always slags me off for it and told my mum i was just totally obsessed, he seems to think it's funny that i get so upset about it and i am on medication for it too. He also always ignored me in the streets when i was in my teenage years in front of my friends who used to always ask me why he was doing that. there have even been times when he has bought my sister fish and chips from the chip shop and also himself and my mum and never bought me anything. My sister has also commented on how sometimes she feels like what she does is never good enough either.
Susan commented on 21-Sep-2010 09:47 AM
I too am also in the same situation. My fiance' hates my 18 year old daughter. She has been sick for a few years now with crohns disease and has just moved back in to my house with me after moving out for 3 years because of him. He says everything was fine till she came back. I hate that I love them equally but neither him or her will talk to each other. If she walks past him he turns the other way like a child. Both of them live in MY house.. NOT his in anyway shape or form.. I am 42 and don't know how to deal with this.. She needs my help to get back on her feet and he will not budge at all to help me. I have asked him to leave and he says he is but I don't know when. I am so very stressed out and sick.She is my daughter and my responsibility, I will take care of her with him or without him( without preferably)
missy commented on 23-Sep-2010 07:45 PM
As sad as I am to be in the same position as all of you, it is even sadder that there are so many of us out there. My bf and I have been together almost 6 years. The first few were wonderful, but the good days are getting fewer and fewer. He has grown kids and an ex-wife who beat him up mentally every chance they get. It has driven him to the point where he has cut off contact from his own kids, and has decided he does not want to be a dad to my kids, ages 12 and 13 any more. He gets mad over the tiniest things, says mean and abusive things and we have all been miserable for months now. Our personal relationship is strong, we have a once in a lifetime love and connection, but that is not enough to get him to get his head on straight and stop blaming my kids for his failure with his adult children. He has been, and can be, the best man I have ever known, but he is sooo messed up right now, I have not seen the man I love in quite some time, only this angry stranger. He wants to leave, but I keep begging him to stay and the kids and I just try harder to please him because we all really do love him, but I think enough is finally enough. He stormed out again tonight, because my daughter had the dogs in her room instead of putting them outside when it was raining. Naturally, if she had left them out in the rain he would have been mad about that. We just cant win. He wants to go, and see where we are in 5 years when they are grown and off to college. I know I need to protect my kids, but this is killing me. I am 1000 miles away from my family. I don't want to go home, I don't want to stay here, I don't want to loose him and I don't want this life. There are no good choices and no light at the end of this tunnel.
Anonymous commented on 03-Oct-2010 08:20 PM
Similar situation. I lived with my fiance and my teenage boys. My fiance decided that I was not strick enough so he put pressure on me. My 19 year old left to live with his father because he was so uncomfortable living with me. My 16 year old became reclusive. I left my fiance and got my own house. My children are very happy with this arrangement. I continue to see my fiance but not involving my children. It divides me. I want both parts of my life to come together but won't even try again until my children are on their own. I am a mother first and always.
Help me commented on 12-Oct-2010 07:18 PM
I have an 11 yr old daughter, a 9 yr old and a 4 yr old son. The 2 daughters are from a previous relationship and do visit their real dad every fortnight. He doesn't pay and child support though, but sees them. My partner whom I have been with 7 years hates my eldest (11 yr old) he calls her names, he has openly said he hates her. He inspects her room and insists things go where he says, he checks her draws and wardrobes to ensure all clothes are hung up. He asks her to do jobs around the house, but when he has to ask her more than once he stomps off and creates a problem. My daughter confessed to me that she longs for hi to love her like he does the others. She even wrote him a note asking him to love her, and give her a hug. He ignored it. My daughter seems depressed and I don't know what to do. I feel the only answer is to leave but I feel for my other 2 children who love and get on with him. What do I do?
Anonymous commented on 29-Oct-2010 12:31 AM
I admire you - for some reason I can't bring myself to leave my 2nd husband even though he doesn't treat my son well. He treats my daughter really good and his own son above everyone - but can't accept me putting my son before him.
Hurting Mom... commented on 06-Nov-2010 11:54 AM
As I am reading all of your messages, I am becoming increasingly worried. I am in a very similiar situation; my daugher is almost 11 and I have been married for 1 and 1/2 years (he has no children). She and my husband have a very strained relationship. It started off great, they got along well and she respected him. But over time, he became extremely critical and judmental of her; constantly fussing at her for the littlest things. I felt like I had to protect her from him;; at times he was extremely rigid and unreasonable. Of course, this began to cause problems in our relationship, because he says he feels powerless, like I always take up for her. What does he expect? She is my child!!! This situation has really made me rethink my decision to get married....well, not just this, but there are alot of others things that I notice that we do not share in common; but this is one of those major things. He has such contentment towards her sometimes...and I know she feels it. I do not want her growing up alternating between trying to win his approval and rebelling against him; because I know that this will spill over into her adulthood relationships. She will develop a very unhealthy pattern of relationships trying to "fix" what was wrong in her childhood relationships. I try so hard to explain this to him...sometimes he listens, other times its like he just doesnt care what I have to say because in his eyes "im just sticking up for MY daughter." It really hurts me that he feels the way he does and behaves the way he does. But more important than that, it hurts my daughter...and I dont know how much more I can take. I cannot allow him to continue hurting her too much longer. HELP!!
Anonymous commented on 30-Dec-2010 07:57 PM
Leave these assholes, if they don't love your kids they don't love you
Anonymous commented on 04-Jan-2011 03:02 PM
I am a mother of 2 teenagers and going through the same thing . my girls hate their stepfather and he hates them. He picks on them constantly . He has no patience for any kids (we are not married ) It's like he hates noise , he won't let his 3 year old grandaughter play with my older daughter because he hates the noise they make ,he grits his teeth when shouting at my dogs when the dogs bark , he swears a lot in front of my kids . He has four kids, I think he was the same to them as his ex wife would say he treated them like crap , his kids aren't perfect his older boy took drugs , his twin boys don't talk much to anyone , they never played much like other kids , their now teenagers . The house belongs to me ( money from my late husband) and everything in it , he came to me with nothing , no money , no furniture . If I want to buy anything I have to pay for it as it's my house he says , if the anything breaks down I have to pay to get it fixed "my house" I pay property tax and home insurance on my own "my house " I bought him everything ,paid all his debts etc, I paid for his old house that him and his ex wife had as they were in lots of debt and were getting kicked out of the house , I wasn't allowed to see the house either , I regret , I now want him gone but worried that he will try to go after my home that was meant for me and my children . I blame me for taking him in
takin control commented on 05-Jan-2011 01:40 AM
ok here it goes....im 25 and i have a son who is five i recently started dating a guy who absolutely hates kids and has none of his own needless to say he wasnt the nicest to my baby i pride myself on being a good person and a great mother so u can only imagine how well that went over being a mother its ur obligation to ur kids to make sure u do right by them....put them first not what u want sometimes it sucks but thats what happens when u have a kid......now me in that situation lol he had two options either get over himself learn to be kid friendly and love my baby and treat him as his own or to get tha heck on down the road.....your child is a part of u and if hes being mean to any part of u do ya really need to question wether u should stay with him or not?? STAND UP LADIES!!! put ur foot down men will either learn to move it or get there toes smashed lol
Aalysa commented on 07-Jan-2011 07:31 PM
I know exactly what it's like to have a step father to hate you. First of all, him and my mother aren't married yet, but I call him my step-father because he acts like my real one. Secondly, he picks favorites. My sister is his favorite. She bonds with him, and they are all buddy-buddy. I come along and he's hateful. Truthfully, I try my best to communicate with this man but he wont. I talk to him about school, and he turns things into making me look like a bad student. I talk about things he likes, and he turns around and corrects everything I'm wrong about in such a rude manner as if I had said it wrong just to annoying him personally and tell me to leave him alone. I actually know why he hates me, it's because I'm the oldest and overweight so he thinks I'm lazy when truthfully, I do more than him in a day. I know the reasons he hates me perfectly, and I have enough evidence to fill a vacant lot, but I want to know how to directly tell my mom that he's jsut not the one. I know he isn't, he's the controlling and obsessive one in the relationship and my mom jsut got out of that. i tried to tell my mom in the first place,and she got offended and kicked me out the house for 3 weeks when I'm only 13. Just please, tell me how i can get rid of this burden to our family so maybe i can stop feeling depressed and watching my every step because he's watching over me. love, Aalysa
Wendy commented on 08-Jan-2011 12:11 PM
THANK YOU!!!! To each and every one of you. Some small difference is all stories but all the same too. I'm in the process of ENDING my story. I've dropped the bomb last night. I've tried to do it for several years and now I finally grew a backbone and am sticking up for MY kids. I just hope that they forgive me for letting a man take over our lives. I love them sooooo much!! And IF I ever become weak again, I'll refer to this blog, it's empowering!
jjh commented on 13-Jan-2011 05:35 PM
it ws beautiful and wonderful in the begining, the first couple of years... no, not really but i tried hard to turn a blind eye. I've been with him 6 1/2 years and recently (4/2010) even married him as a last ditch effort to make it work. I just told him
i am leaving, waiting on passports so i can. Now he is begging. He has always been a teribble alcoholic, I tried to keep up with him for a while, I guess i thought it was easier to join him...he hates my kids. My 17 year old daughter was affected the worst,
she did what a text book would probably say is exactly the likely outcome - she turned to friends and rebellion instead of me. And i can't blame her. She is now 17 and living on her own, has been for over a year. I also have 12 year old twin boys who are willing
to gladly leave everything behind to get away from him. i hate always walking on egg shells, always being the mediator, always defending my kids and yet putting them thru this. he doesn't even yell at them, he doesn't anything to them - no communication except
to make nasty grunting sounds everytime they come into the room. oh yeah, they aren't allowed to be out of their room once he gets home from work. I know if i don't leave the state i'll end up back with him. I hate being such a F-up person. I love my kids
sooo much, but I have always been so scared to be on my own. and he really has been so good to (me). I hate the person I have turned into, this isn't who i want to be. And now, after all this time he finally quit drinking and is willing to go to counceling
and bond with the kids and ... everything i ever wanted but, I don't want it anymore. I feel terribly guilty for not even wanting to give him a chance. GOD, please help.
stayhomemom commented on 19-Jan-2011 09:59 AM
I am 38 and and have been divorced once and had 1 child from that marriage. I am remarried and have 3 children with my husband now. I was divorced from first husband when my daughter was 3 and she is now 15. I ahve been with my husband now for 11 yrs altogether and our kids are 8,5 and 2. My daughter and my husband got alng beautifully when she was younger but he had such a temper and negative attitude towards life n general that she no longer wants anything to do with him and the feelings are mutual with him. I am sick over this and torn between my daughter and him. He is much stricter than I am by nature and says that I am too easy on her and I need to punish her more. I know she is def not perfect but I do realize that she is still just a teen and will make mistakes and I need to give her that freedom to do so and guide her. Thats how I was raised. I am a strong woman, however, I am a stay at home mom with no other job and life would def have to change if we were to seperate. I am willing to go to coundeling but he is not. He is also very strict wsith our other kids but they are much younger and the situations with them are not similar to my daughters yet. A little advice would be greatly apprecitated.
Anonymous commented on 19-Jan-2011 03:04 PM
How sad, it is for children, a mother should always put her child first they do not ask you to bring another man into their lives, nor have control over adult decisions. Please mothers in this situation think of your children and get out, no matter how hard or what you may lose in material items. THESE MEN DO NOT LOVE OR RESPECT YOU, THEY JUST NEED SOMETHING YOU ARE PROVIDING FOR THEM Otherwise your children will hurt all their lives they may forgive, but they will never forget YOU thought more of a man than them. YOU put a adult mans needs before their happiness. Children are precious and every woman who decides to have a child needs to put them first until they are able to leave home. I hope EVERY CHILD who has ever been put down by a step-parent finds happiness and stability when they are able to find their own way in life. These nasty people only put you down to make themselves feel good. Also any child whos mother and step-father has stopped them seeing a biologial relative, if you can find that relative they may be delighted to see you and be able to give you the love these weak people cannot.
Anonymous commented on 23-Jan-2011 05:02 PM
I am a stepdad and have a lot of problems with my stepdaughter I don't criticize them but they seem to find every reason in the world to hate me I am I see a pattern in the emails and comments that I've read where the moms are blaming the dads for everything. It's really sad.
Anonymous commented on 11-Feb-2011 05:47 PM
I am in a similar situation, but my husband is not abusive or mean. He is a good man, and he bites his tongue when the kids are difficult (not often, especially for teenagers). He realizes that they are good kids and that I love them, and I think in his way, he does too. They have always been respectful to him and abide by what he says, and they truly accept and love him. Here's the only problem, but it is concerning me a lot: He doesn't want them to have any friends over - if they bring a friend home (and I mean 1 single friend) he gets mad and leaves the house and it is embarassing for the kids. I feel quite differently - I like to have a my kids and their friends any time. I even like them to have parties here. Tonight, my daughter brought her bf home with her for dinner and my husband left. I told them that he got called in to work suddenly - which is waht i always say when this happens. My son is coming home for break from college and asked to bring his girlfriend - he wants us to meet her. I am worried that some ugly scene will happen while she is here. I don't want to break my kids' hearts and tell them what a jerk their stepdad is being, but I feel like I am stuck in the middle and I have to choose. I want to offer my kids a home that is welcoming to them and their friends, especially since their bio-father is in the process of moving into a house where they will no longer have rooms. On the other hand, I repect that this house belongs to my husband too. And then on the other hand, I didn't complain when my husband invited a friend to stay with us for a while (ended up being 2 months). What can I do??
Dr Laura Markham commented on 11-Feb-2011 05:58 PM
Dr. Laura here. This conversation is so sad to me, and I can't comment on all the posts. My blanket statement is to echo what I said above: All children deserve to be unconditionally loved. All children deserve a home where they feel comfortable, and yes that means being able to bring their friends home. If a mother is with a man who cannot offer those things to her children, she owes it to her children to demand that they all go to family therapy, or at least that she and her husband go to couples counseling. If he won't go, why would you stay with him? He is telling you loud and clear that your happiness is not important to him. More importantly, you owe your children something you can't give them while you share a house with him.
Anonymous commented on 11-Feb-2011 06:38 PM
Thank you Dr Laura! You made me see that this is not a problem that I can fix myself - I have been trying so hard for so long to "smooth things over" like my mother always did (my father was an alchoholic). I am the one who wrote the last post before your reply. I feel almost silly complaining because the others before me seemed to have much worse situations. But, I still feel the need to protect my kids - I know they are being hurt, even if they don't say anything. I will talk to my husband about this when it seems like a good time. We have always been able to discuss problems rationally, and I hope this will be the same.
MUMMY commented on 23-Feb-2011 03:42 PM
please help I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 3 YEARS I HAVE AN 12 YR OLD DAUGHTER AND MY HUSBAND HATES HER HE STUPIDLY TOLD ME TO MY FACE SHE ISNT EVEN A BAD GIRL SHE STAYES LOCKED IN HER ROOM ALL THE TIME HE WONT TALK TO HER ONLY TO SAY SOMETHING BAD TO HER AND WHEN I STAND UP 4 HER HE PUNISHES ME TO I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE I WANT OUT BUT AM SO SCARED OF WHAT HE WILL DO TO US HE MENTALY ABUSES US AND GAME PLAYING IT HURTS SO MUCH I AM LIVING IN HIS COUNTRY ON HIS MONEY AND IN HIS HOUSE I HAVENT EVEN GOT PLANE TICKETS TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY AS HE CONTROLES ALL THE MONEY I WANT TO LEAVE BUT DONT NO HOW I JUST WANT MY LITTLE GIRL TO BE A LITTLE GIRL NOT DEPRESSED AND SCARED ANYONE ANY SUGGESTIONS PLEASE .
Anonymous commented on 25-Feb-2011 12:22 PM
I just read through all of the comments and I also have this issue I have a two year old and my husband has a three year old that he keeps every other week. I hate to say it becaue I love the little boy like one of my own but when he is here my husband becomes verry strict and somewhat aggressive toward my daughter. It's screwed up because his son can get away with anything (I made dinner the other night his son refused to eat and he made him a whole different meal). Now when it comes to my daughter if she so much as makes a noise the even remotely sounds like a whine she is sent to her room and if she cries she gets yelled at. My husband also hates when she sits next to me or follows me to a different room. I don't know what to do.
jjh commented on 06-Mar-2011 09:45 PM
I identify with many of these letters and I started reading them a couple months ago. I used them as strength and inspiration to do what I knew I need to; LEAVE. I left!!! I am so HAPPY now! All the weight is gone, the kids are doing so much better! The fears I have now about money and such are so manageable without the (ANGUISH) in my own home. I though I was incapable of making it without him, but even if we end up staying in a shelter the relief would be worth it. The only thing I regret is waiting so long to do it. I am finally alive...and guess what; there is life without eggshells...
Laura Markham commented on 07-Mar-2011 11:08 AM
I just want to say a personal thank you to you. You are an inspiration to me, and to everyone who has been reading these letters. Not only have you taken decisive action to protect your children and help them flourish, you have stood up for yourself. And by taking the time to write to this forum, I am sure you have helped other mothers to do the same. Good luck to you and your children, and thank you for your courage and integrity. with love and blessings, Dr. Laura
Mom who wishes she could go back in time... commented on 07-Mar-2011 10:23 PM
Thank you so much to Dr. Laura and everyone who has written on this post. I will also share my story.

I married a man three years ago who was "Ok" to my children in the four previous years that we dated, but never totally warmed up to them completely. There were red flags but I chose to ignore them, believing that he was a Christian and would warm up once we were a real family.

In the three years that we have been married he has increasingly become more hostile to my now ten year old daughter. He makes promises to her that he doesn't keep, like telling her that once we all lived together that she could get rabbits and keep her cats inside the house. Then after we moved in together he said he forgot...he is constantly critical of everything she does. She cannot have friends over either or he is very irritated. She has not had a sleepover for over a year now, when we used to have sleepovers with friends nearly every weekend before. He watches what they eat and drink. Whenever she is out of her room he asks her what she is doing, and recently has started saying she is irritating him when she is just hanging out in the living room with us. He likes her to stay away. He barely says Hello or Goodbye, it is a concerted effort.

He has said he will try harder to be nice when I put him on notice that I will leave and I am dead serious, and I am like, how hard is it to be nice to this child who has known you as long as she can remember?! He is kinder to my 12 year old son and seems to play the children against each other. It is obvious now that he has a favorite.

Reading these posts has made it sink in to me about what an idiot I am being thinking that somehow with prayer or time that this will change. It will not change for the better, only the worse. I saw an attorney today and am going to split up the joint account tomorrow (totally legal ladies!) so I have funds for a new place and my attorneys fee.

Can't wait to start this over and get my kids out of this mess. By the way, I am a college educated professional woman, 35, and we have a baby together who is very young (who he of course adores). We have a lovely home and everyone who knows us thinks he is just wonderful- which he is, until it's just us and the kids here! then he is a super jerk until he thinks I will leave him...at which time he reverts to Mr. Nice Guy...No more!
Nadine commented on 08-Mar-2011 12:20 PM
What about when the child is an adult? I remarried two years ago, and my husband moved into my home. My youngest is 21 and still lives at home. Since graduating high school he has worked on and off, is now working full time. However his job does not pay enough for him to move out. Almost daily I get a phone call from my husband (he gets home before I do) complaining about all the things that my son did, or didn't do. Some of it is valid, and I address those issues with my son (sometimes more than once, which is frustrating and doesn't help my son's case). Other times I tell H he is being petty and needs to pick his battles. There are "reminder" notes all over the house - even I feel like I am being treated like a child. He feels that my son has no rights since he doesn't contribute financially to the household. Which is untrue because I still receive child support arrears, pay more than half of the household bills, and my son helps me out at the office on weekends and special projects at home. But if H is home, son is not allowed to use TV, computer, etc. If my son tries to do his laundry H complains that it takes him too long or the noise disturbs him since it is one room away from TV room. If I buy anything for my son, I get "the look" - but not if I buy for my other kids or his kids. Sometimes I feel I am too lenient with my son, but I wonder if it is because H is too strict. I'm always hearing how my husband's dad would not have put up with this, but he won't mention that he was spoiled by grandpa and grandma and even moved in with them to get away from his parents once. One time he made up a lie to make my son look bad, another time he accused my son of something, then not only found out my son did not do it but that he himself was responsible, but refused to apologize. So I feel they are both partly right and wrong, but both very stubborn, and only want to see the bad in each other, not the good. I want them to talk it out but I fear that things will get physical between them - they have each threatened to. When my kids were young, I ended a 10-year relationship for similar reasons, and bought my own house so they would always have a place to feel comfortable and call home. Now my son does not feel comfortable, and says when he moves out he will never come back to visit as long as my husband is there. I'm so stressed out by all this and don't know what to do anymore.
Anonymous commented on 23-Mar-2011 09:41 PM
Sounds like the moral of the story is step-dads are toxic to step-kids. Us moms should not marry until our kids are way out of the nest. I wish I had taken that route instead of trying to make everyone get along and spending tons of money on counseling
with no improvement in the situation. I can't afford to divorce and just walk on egg shells every time I come home to hear all the horrible things my kids have done each day. It is a no win situation and it sucks to have to endure. Is the only alternative
divorce? Does it get better after the kids leave the nest? Or is the step-parent role an inherantly impossible relationship to work out?
Anonymous commented on 30-Mar-2011 04:39 AM
I came on here looking for answers, as to whether my husband is physically abusing my eleven year old daughter, He's says he's playing but she every often ends up crying when he gives her a dead leg, or twists her arm, then when I tell him to stop because
he's hurting her he's just says she's a wimp and she needs to toughen up!! I know she's scared of him, my 16yr old don't have anything to do with him a nd spends all the time in her room (well box its not a room its so small) He moved her things in there because
he said she is a bad influence on my other 2 girls 11, 13 he seems to pick fault with my 11yr old how she eats, how "geeky" he thins she is, etc after reading all the posts, thankyou because I now know its physical and emotional abuse!!
Worried Mother Of 2 Daughters commented on 03-Apr-2011 01:24 AM
My husband and I got married @ 6months ago. while dating he acted like her was going to be a good step-dad,but now thing has changed. He bitches all the time about the girls. They do everything wrong in his eyes. If one of my girls is in shower over 5
minutes we fight for hours. My husband eats alot and the girls do too bc they are growing. 11yrs and15yrs of age. they stay nervous bc if they eat somethinig he gets mad. when we get groceries he eats it up b4 they can. He has a 8 yr old son and when he comes
and visites my kids leave bc he shows a bright difference. and he knows it and rubs it in my kids face. thats y they have started to leave. my husband grips about money. he want take us anywhere but when his son comes he takes him anywhere he wants to go.
I believe this isnt human nature. how can a person be ugly to children? My husband is selfish and selfcentered so I need to make some life changing decesions so my daughters will feel comfortable in there on home. Im so glad I found this web site
sandra commented on 09-Apr-2011 03:23 AM
my mum and dad got divorced when i was 5 and my dad moved overseas. I have never had contact with him since. My mum and me got along fine but i could tell she was a bit unhappy. she met a man when i was 12 and they got married when i was 13. He has two
children from previous marriages. He never made an effort with me, but my mum became happy so i thought that that was all that mattered. We never speak, he doesn't acknowledge me, i'm 19 now. When a friend of mine comes over he'll greet them and have a conversation
with them, but completely ignore me. my mum and m step dad had a child when i was 15, she's four now and just watching all the affection she gets it makes me long for my dad or just some sort of affection. I finished high school with the highest marks in my
school but he always said that i'm stupid and dumb and even though i finished high school that i'm going to do drugs and turn into a slut. Neither is true. I'm against drugs and i have no interest in sleeping around. I've started a double bachelor university
degree in law and science and it takes up a lot of time at school and when i'm home a lot of studying. I found a job on weekends to make some money to buy a car hopefully (because even though my family has five cars, my step dad will not allow my mum to let
me drive). He always says i'm lazy, that i do nothing all day, that i'm on drugs and i think my mum has finally opened her eyes that he hates me, before she was in denial and believed every word he said. He's always threatening to kick me out, of MY MUM's
house that is. And my mum feels stuck in the middle. I don't want my mum to be unhappy but i don't feel happy or comfortable in this household anymore. I've never met anyone that despises me so much.
Gary commented on 11-Apr-2011 02:45 AM
Ladies - this is so easy to understand and if u read posts where the Dad marries a new Women the same in reverse so often occurs. They are not his/her kids, what is so hard to understand about this. The idea of openly loving another persons kid/s is a
hard pill to swallow. It just does not happen. And you learned the hard way! I got my warning before I got involved with a women with three kids from a previous marriage and it was a straight up message. I discussed it with a friend, dating, and her having
kids. His message was blunt, RUN! as fast as u can, and don't look back! I wish I had listened! and when he found out - you're an idiot! Still a friend of mine thou :) I feel no sympathy for the majority of people in this column. You have brought it on yourselves
introducing another person outside the biological family having a misguided expectation it will all workout. What are u lot thinking? It does not work! As a step-dad I have tried to leave several times because the tension is bad enough. The crap with one's
own is tenfold easier to handle that with another man/womens family. If anything the lots of you blaming the person introduced should be put through the wringer for the damage you alone have caused. You cannot manipulate the way people supposed to interact.
Suggest the lot of you take a look at the situation get out of it. All there will remain of the relationship after the kids are gone is resentment. You will divorce!! Me, if stuff does not improve - I will leave again!
Concerned Grandparent commented on 14-Apr-2011 09:59 PM
I have a concern for my 5yr old grandson. My daughter has a 5year old and decided to marry her husband after weeks of knowing him as she thought this was the answer she was looking for. He is not the father of the 5yr old. They now have a 1yr old together.
The step dad constantly belittles, yells at, disciplines and shows no affection to the 5yr old while giving all his attention to his child. My 5yr old grandson is angry and is acting out. He fights with other kids, throws temper tantrums constantly, destroys
things and constanty is getting in trouble. He gets no positive feedback from his mother or step father and his stepfather will say he doesn't love him, will not show him affection and will brake him if that is what it takes. He thinks he looks like his dad
(which he is not in the picture much, very irresponsible) and he finds it hard to look at him because of this. They live out of state as he is in the military and any time I talk to my granson he is just so very sad. I don't know what to do as my daugher out
of pride will never let me have him but she is out of control. She's mean to him, never protects or defends him, says mean things to him, mentally abusive and unsure if physically abusive. I try and give her suggestions but she says her and her husband are
doing the best they can and better than alot of people and they aren't going to change. They are coming to visit in a few weeks and I am going to try and keep my grandson with me for as long as I can, when she goes back but don't know what to do? Any suggestions
would be greatly appreciated. Her husband told her that my grandson's behavior is hereditary and therefore, there is nothing they do that affects him??? They constantly say he's going to end up in jail or in a gang so they might as well break him now? I didn't
raise her to be so naive or cruel?
hippigirl commented on 15-Apr-2011 06:48 PM
Concerned grandparent-------take your grandson away from his mother if she won't pull her head out of her husband's a$$. Why do men who hate kids marry mothers? I will never understand this. Why are mothers so SELFISH? Is a steady piece of a$$ worth damaging
your child over? Apparently so. SAD!!! My stepfather made it his mission to "break" me at the age of 5 also. My moron mother let him. Now, I'm 40, angry, sad, and no longer speak to either of them; haven't in 20 years. I hope my mother thinks that sadistic
freak was worth it! My mother has grandchildren that she has never, and never WILL see, because she felt she needed to be with that awful man. I wish someone would have stepped in and taken me away from her. Maybe I would be differnt (happy) now. Guess I'll
never know. But, at least my mother taught me one thing....how NOT to raise my kids.
Anonymous commented on 17-Apr-2011 02:44 PM
I'm having simaliar problems-My 17 year old daughter definetely is not perfect- and I am not even close to being a good mother- I have always tried and I love my daughter more than anything. I recently remarried to a wonderful man. He has 3 kids he doesnt
get to see very often because their mothers are difficult about it. He always says he truly likes my daughter and they get along great most of the time, The problem is that he is always telling me that I am a bad parent that I let her get away with everything
and dont discipline her enough. That if things dont change he is always threating to leave and / or complaining to me about her (never in front of her though). She is just out of school and just found out she is pregnant- she is going to be moving in with
her boyfriend after she turns 18 and he keeps saying that when she goes she is never coming back= he always thinks the worst of her and is always making sure I know that I have made so many mistakes- I always feel like I have to choose between them, just because
she is turning 18 and doesnt mean she is all of a sudden going to turn into a responsible adult- I Love them both and want them both to be happy- I cant keep trying to keep walking on egg shells all the time. I feel so lost all the time
Anonymous commented on 18-Apr-2011 08:41 AM
I thought I was alone until I read all of these terrible stories. I have been married second time around for about a year. I have a 12 year daughter and a 18 year old son. My husband started out being a dream to my kids and me. After he moved in, he decided
that he was the man of the house and he was making his own rules. My son is in college to become a physical therapist, he calls him lazy and inmature. It is always saying that he needs to teach him how to be a man so that he will be able to take care of his
own family when he gets older. My daughter is a honor roll student; but that is not good enough, I feels that I should enroll her extra classess to make here the best that she can be. He doesn't want her have the summer off he says she doesn't need it she
should be studying. I thinks that I dont' make the kids do anything and that they are disrespectful. He often cusses about the kids to me and becomes so angry if my daughter leaves clothes on her bedroom floor or a dirty dish in the sink. He says that she
has no respect for his house. He will not listen to anything that I have to say regarding the children and says that I have no control over them. My kids have never been in trouble and are good students. My daugther can be mouthy at times (what kid isn't)
he can't take it. He has no kids of his own and now he has told me that I need to call my ex-huband and tell him that we are going to all get together so he can tell us his rules and how we need to support him and if I don't then he wants a divorce. He tells
me that I need to get help because I live in a fansty land and don't know what it takes to be a wife. I'm at the end of my rope. I think that I've done a fine job with the kids to this point. He alwasy finds the bad in every situation and it drives me crazy.
I can't have a thought of my own unless it matches his. Thanks to everyone for posting, I'm not alone.
Margaret commented on 18-Apr-2011 06:50 PM
Step parents please try to love your step kids or don't married someone with kids if you can't handle being a stepdad or stepmom. Not all step parents are bad. My family is a blended family ( i have 3 kids and my husband have 2 kids) and we all get a lone
good. A blended family ( step family) it's still a real family...so lets treated like a real family please, everyone will respect each other if you do.
Maegan commented on 19-Apr-2011 11:03 PM
Hey there... I was in the same situation for the longest time. I'm 17 years old and my mom met her long time boyfriend when I was only four. We moved in with him when I was five, and they were together until the summer before my seventeenth birthday. We'll
call this man D. In the beginning, D was nice and interested in me... he was like the father figure I was missing. After a while, we all fell into a sort of routine and we were comfortable. When his biological daughter came to live with us, she had a lot of
issues that needed sorting out (she was seven and couldn't read, write, tie her shoes, do up buttons...) all because her biological mother neglected to teach her or practice what was learned at school. After she started to visit more often, I really started
to notice the difference between how he treated me and how he treated her. He always called me his daughter, but it's blatantly obvious that he showed a lot of preference to her. To this day, she gets bad grades in school (because she lies about having homework,
and he doesn't bother to look into it), she's smoked marijuana (she's 13) and she's had sexual encounters. I'm seventeen and graduating high school, and I've never smoked, done drugs, had sex (not even a boyfriend!) and I had an 90% average this past semester.
My mother broke up with him when she found out he was cheating on her (and had been for a long time). When he posted nasty messages on her Facebook wall, I replied to them, calling him out. Instead of talking to me like a father's supposed to, he sent me a
nasty private message calling me all sorts of names and accusing me of stealing (which never happened). Over the course of the relationship, he was incredibly negative. For example, as soon as I turned fourteen, he demanded that I get a job and I tried twice
(once for a drug store and once at a coffee shop), but when neither one worked out, he would call me lazy, a low-life, and he'd tell me that I was going to grow up to be a free-loading street bum. He was emotionally (and physically) absent from my life, especially
when my biological father passed away in 2006. If he really thought of me as his daughter, he should have made an effort to comfort me, but all he said is "Sorry Meg" before he walked right out the door as if nothing had happened. Overall, my supposed step-father
was negative, hypocritical, intimidating, and on occasion, violent (When he gets angry, he tends to use force. He broke right through my bedroom door once and threw a wooden chair so hard that it landed on the floor a few meters away and broke into four separate
pieces). I can really sympathize with everyone who has hateful stepfathers/mothers.
Angry still commented on 20-Apr-2011 12:02 AM
You are a selfish woman. I had a stepfather like that and he ruined our whole family along with myselfish mother. Your kids will hate you one day for choosing that looser over your kids !
Sad commented on 27-Apr-2011 09:45 AM
I have a sweet 6 year old boy who has ADHD. He can be a handfull at times, but is generally good natured. My BF has been hateful to him for a long time now. He said he discussed this with his counselor and knows that he has a problem (this was two years
ago). Yesterday morning my groggy son was trying to button his pants and walk to the kitchen for cereal and bumped into BF. He flew off the handle and got really snotty and nasty and accused my child of trying to knock him down... give me a break. I messed
up and told him to act like an adult in front of the kids, which was not the best thing to do. I am just so tired of this! He looks for problems every second of the day with my son who he says is such a disaster compared to his children. He compares his kids
to mine constantly. He will say "My kids never do xxx" or "My kids always listen". These statements are total BS. His kids are spoiled and dont have respect for anyone (he teaches them that), they LIE about lots of things (my kids have too...), and his oldest
is beginning an eating disorder - she is obese, age 7, and hides food in her room. He refuses to follow up on getting her counseling. I love his kids and I love mine. I dont love when they are all together because he always picks on mine and tells his kids
to make sure mine dont do x y or z... and his kids are YOUNGER. I feel totally disrespected, and sad for my kids. During Christmas break one year my son asked my BF why he hugs his daughters but won't hug him. What a perfect opportunity to make a connection!
Instead he said, because they are my kids and you arent. I am leaving him today. Thanks to all for your strength.
Lilo commented on 03-May-2011 08:03 AM
Put your children first, they were given to you to love and to cherish. I am in a similar situation and have just now decided to take my kids and get out. All of you above and below, love your kids, keep loving them untill you have no breath left. You
can replace a man but you cannot replace your children. And all the kids here who have commented and who are being treated badly or abused - tell someone you can trust, an adult, or a teacher or family member. DONT KEEP QUIET.If your mom is allowing you to
be abused, she is a bad parent and needs to be put on the right track. You don't deserve to be abused. You deserve to be loved. God bless
Anonymous commented on 06-May-2011 01:36 PM
Ok so what if you've tried the following and your stepdad won't let you go to a shelter and your dad is just as abusive and you have no more mother thanks to this stepdad that you are forced to live with and you hate him and fear him too much to even confront
him about it its also cutting into my faith too because I'm a born again christian and everyones telling me don't fear God will protect you but I'm still scared any ideas would be greatly appreciated
sugarbelle commented on 11-May-2011 11:34 AM
I'm a stepmother who has a great relationship with my stepkids but I wanted to chime in. I would never, ever dream or even imagine of doing/saying the things these men have done to their steps...It's just inexcusable. The reason why I've been successful
is I've tried to step back and not try to force a relationship or "be" a parent...I love them but I'm not their "real" mom and will never try to be that(even though she really is a lousy mother in all respects but that's another story)... I just am another
adult who loves them...and they have responded in a way where they confide in me in ways they don't with their bio parents. I love these guys very much (two boys 15 and 16) but have missed alot of their early years so I didn't get to teach them manners and
things their bioparents didn't...so I have to be careful how I approach them about say, p**ing on the toilet seat...or wiping their faces on the kitchen hand towel. If they were my own children I would keep on them until they got that it's not ok...but because
they're not mine, I go easier on them and try harder to be respectful. Just so all the stepkids on here know, even being what my kids call a "great, nice stepmom" it's really hard work...and there's no training that comes with the job. I'm not trying at all
to defend these stepdad's bad actions, but I'm just saying that some of them may not have the skills to deal with stepkids or don't know how to relate in a non-confrontational way...and the poor steps have to suffer. I completely agree with the poster who
said that if a stepparent doesn't treat the stepkids with respect, it shows a lack of respect for their spouse too.
Blended Family with 4 boys commented on 23-May-2011 07:13 AM
I have be remarried for 6 months now. I have 2 boys (12 & 9) and he has 2 boys (12 & 10). We have been together for 2 1/2 years now. There is alot of jealousy between us over our kids. Their mother lives away and his boys live with us full time. Mine go
to their dads 50% time and have a wonderful relationsip with him. My husband is very jealous of my 12 year old. My 12 year old has a very dominent personality and so has my husband. The clash alot of the time and it wears me out. I am constantly walking on
egg shells and always wonder what I will be walking into when home from work. 9 times out of 10, it's my 12 year old who is in trouble regardless of what the others have done. I think my 12 year old knows he doesn't like him and is acting out. I don't know
how to fix it. My husband will not see a counsellor and says the whole situation is not working. When we have fights he yells at me in front of the kids and says horrible things. My kids don't say anything, but I get the impression they don't like him. They
say he is constantly grumpy and that I turn grumpy after I have been around him. That is not a good sign. I don't want to leave as I want to make it work but I hate seeing my kids suffer and hope it is not creating life long damage. I am not in a position
financially to do anything and will just stick it out. I know that is not the right thing to do, but I have no choice. I am really worried.
Cherie Sutherland commented on 15-Jun-2011 10:36 AM
I felt that way for sooo long. I got involved with a man who seemed so wonderful for my kids and married him. After marrying him I realized how hateful he was toward my kids. Always discouraging and degrading them. Never anything good. I was always in
the middle. Everytime I stood up for my kids he would get sooo angry with me and tell me I was raising monsters because I didn't want to go along with his hateful and ridiculous rules. I prayed and prayed for peace. Chronic pain and fatigue overtook me and
it took me a long time to realize that it was caused by the constant conflict in my home. After ten years, finally, I took a leap of faith and moved out into a rental house. Since we left (in January), my son, who was depressed and had no friends in middle
school, bad grades, etc., now has a job he is doing great at, honor roll for the first time in his life, and great friends. I barely make enough to pay the bills, and had to apply for some assistance, but there is no price tag you can put on living in peace
and knowing you did what was best for your kids. I am praying now that I will prosper financially and be able to help women like us get back on their feet. No woman should feel so trapped. YOU are a strong woman and will find a way out. Don't give up - kids
are a gift from God and there is nothing more fulfilling in life than knowing you are being the best mom you can be.
hippigirl commented on 16-Jun-2011 06:32 PM
Blended family with 4 boys......it IS creating lifelong damage. Is being really that important to you women? Your kids will hate you later on in life for allowing them to be harassed & abused by some idiot that wan't even related to them. Think. Why do
you do this, ladies. What part of "I haven't spoken to my mother in 20 years" do you not understand!?!? Wake up ladies!
newmarket commented on 18-Jun-2011 08:32 PM
Hippigirl, sorry to hear about your situation… I met my boyfriend 4 years ago, we have been living together for 3 years. He is funny and does not directly treat my daughter wrong, in occasions they cook together, joke and laugh, at least twice a week we
have a family night (movies or documentaries) I know my daughter is not crazy about him because he tends to be self centered and very sarcastic.. In the past year all he does is bicker and criticize what my daughter does, even though he does not say it to
her face, it hurts me and it feels as if I am failing my little girl... I am miserable… even though I know being a single mom is hard, my daughter is the most important person in my life and I am fully responsible for her well being. My decision was made this
week, the house if up for sale and I am stepping out of this hurtful situation. Ladies, life is short and we only got one shot at it.. step out, seek help- you don't want your daughter in the future leaving the same comments as hippigirl.. you have a responsibility
with your child!
Anonymous commented on 19-Jun-2011 07:33 PM
I have been married for 5 years and we have not lived together for the last 4 years. The first year was horrible. My two oldest boys who were 16 and 17 when we got married despise him. My two youngest who are 11 and 12 are starting to also. He has three
children who do no wrong and he constantly criticizes my children. He doesn't normally do it to them but to me and it pretty much makes me feel horrible on a daily basis. After the first horrible year, I was offered a job in a different city and decided to
move there with my kids. I am now retired and he wants us to move back but I'm scared to. I know that my 12 year old is at a very hard time in life (middle school) and she doesn't need our drama added. We fight about my kids all the time, I just get tired
of hearing about how bad they are. But honestly they are great kids and I love them dearly, more than I love him for sure. I have to decide this summer if we are going to move there or not and I am about 95% sure I wont move because I have decided that I'm
a mother before I'm a wife. My kids didn't ask for this marriage and they hardly ever complain and just want me to be happy but I've decided I need to make them happy!!
Nadyne commented on 20-Jun-2011 09:03 AM
I am in the same predicament. I love my boyfriend to death and we never fight unless it's about my son, who is now 19. Same as you, he hardly talks to him unless its to give him shit. He also raises his voice to him and to me. I'm pretty much putting up
with everything I taught my son NOT to do. I've always told him that a woman is precious, you do not raise your voice, you respect her, etc... so he wonders why I teach him that but its ok for me to be yelled at ? Embarassing.... Sometimes he is nice to him,
but its very rare... so he is no role model for my son, not at all. It seems he can do nothing right which is quite frustrating and I cant take it anymore. My son works full time, pays rent, pays his cell phone, he's never here, nevers asks for anything, but
the minute he just talks to me, my boyfriend seems upset, almost like he is jealous of my love and my relationship with my son. How can he hurt me like that and say he loves me and loves my son ? How can he think that putting me and my son down will make me
love him ? I dont get it. I would never do that to his kids. It'a now at the point where we both walk on egg shells, we TRY not to piss him off to save the peace, but there is ALWAYS something.... He talks like an experienced father, but he hasnt seen his
kids in 2 years and have never parented full time or alone. I have raised my son myself and im so proud of him. I dont think I can do this much longer... What can I do to make him realize that I love my son and if he doesnt, I will not be with him. How can
I make him understant that he is pushing me away, hurting me and making me very sad ? This is not normal and it's freaking me out. Even if my son will soon be 20, he will always be my son, no matter what. You dont stop parenting and stop loving your kids when
they turn 18.... I am 40 years old, he is 37, how can an adult act that way ? I dont get it, im tired of it, I just want someone who is nice to me and nice to my son.. is that too much to ask ? Help!
Tessa commented on 20-Jun-2011 09:24 PM
I understand where ur coming from. Im in the same situation. My 3 sons aggtivate him, he watches them like a hawk. But his daughter never does wrong. Which makes me dispise her. An i know thats not write. He times my kids in the shower. He makes remarks
to me about them, remarks he would never say about his daughter. He has an inner anger, an me an my kids pay for it. He takes pain pills. So he has alot of highs an lows. An we pay for it. I dont know what to do??
Nadyne commented on 22-Jun-2011 10:16 AM
That's a perfect way to put it Tessa... an inner anger, you are so right! And this causes mood swings and sudden bursts of anger and we never know where it comes from or when it will strike! What I really really do NOT understand is how they think putting
our kids down or having these outbursts will make us love them ? Seriously... I consider myself a smart woman, and I know if I hurt someone they will likely not love me... its very simple in my head. So how they think this will not hurt us and make us happy
is beyond me! I wish he could see that this behaviour, his words, even how he looks at my son is destroying everything... no matter how much I love this man, I can not live with someone who despise my kid, no matter how old he is. Many of my friends and family
have told me, if he can't respect and love you and your son, someone else would be very happy and very lucky to do so. I know that's true, but I think im caught up in how we met, how much I love him.... my heart is blinded by the reality of what has been really
going on... but my head knows that this is no way to live your life.... I know I must soom make a decision....
RT commented on 23-Jun-2011 03:39 PM
WOW! Reading these responses took me back some years. My mother hooked up with a man when I was 15 yrs old. They eventually married (wrong decision) and he became worse every day. They were from two separate worlds. My om grew up in a loving two parent
home full of love and he came from mess. I knew at 15 that he wasn't for her, but she was so into having a man and a little money. He was and still is a awful step-dad. He was very mean to my sister and I AND my mother. He was a cheater, and I would tell my
mom and she was always in denial. I am now 50 years old and I am telling all of you mothers God bless you with children. They are gifts. They fed from you and you must nuture them. NO MAN is worth running your children's life. Their childhood predicts their
future. I married at 17 yrs old to get out of the house and it was too young. I didn't really know my husband and he was abusive. I left him immediately! Even at a young age I knew what was best for my kids. It was hard and I had to struggle, but I tell you,
God blessed me to make it. I have wonderful happy adult kids and I am happy. PLEASE get a relationship with someone who is strong for support to get out of a non-loving relationship for YOU and your children. Love does not hurt. Do you think your kidds will
be able to take care of you in your elder age if you didn't take care of them in their minor age?
Fabiola commented on 10-Jul-2011 05:00 AM
Well, unless your ex husband is dead, I don't understand why women chose to marry for a second time. Children are first and you work your ass up to be able to support them, over. Women who just divorced were stupid in the first place for marrying the wrong
one. They need help with the bills and in bed... Do not be such a b**** and now your life as a woman belongs to your kids. End of the story
Anonymous commented on 17-Jul-2011 05:29 AM
Is it really that important to be a part of a step child's life? I don't think so. I have a step son who I absolutely hate. I do not want any kind of relationship with him now or when he is older. So when we get him I do things on my own. Your husband
will never have the perfect relationship with your daughter that you are hoping for because she is not his daughter. But you deserve to be happy and you can have a separate relationship with your husband and your daughter. Every time I tell my husband that
I hate his kid, he tells me "I married you for me, not for him"
Anonymous commented on 18-Jul-2011 06:53 PM
We need more hateful step parents to join in the conversation just as the one above just did. That should make it much easier to leave. If you hate my kid then just say you hate my kid. I am sure if people would have known that their partner hated thier
kid, they would have never married the insensative non family oriented person. If you are marrying into a blended family you should not hate the others persons kid. If you do, you should have never married them. It's a package deal. Sounds like the husband
mentioned above who responds by saying " I married you for me , not for him" does not give a hoot about his son either. So it looks like that relationship will last...Just hope you never end up pregnant by him and he does not give a hoot about your offspring
just as he does not care about his own. A real parent will not want want anyone to hurt their child in any way...and hurt is pretty painful. What goes around comes around. When it comes it hits hard. Be extrememly careful how you treat others.You will be judged.
Sadly Defeated commented on 21-Jul-2011 05:39 PM
WoW! This is amazing to see how many people are dealing with this situation. I feel terrible! My daughter is 12 yo and has been her step dad has been in her life since she was 2 yo. He practically raised her as a father. In the past several years they
have grown completely apart from eachother. They truly can not stand eachother. In simple terms they hate eachother. What a terrible situation to be put in. I love him but I see the same problems in him that my daughter points out. For years I have contemplated
leaving him, except we had a baby togther 3 years ago. I thought things would change but matters have only gotten worse. They fight all the time. Or simply do not even look at eachother. I am constantly anxious when I know they are home alone as I feel he
will mistreat her. WHich is usually the case. I couldnt even tell you the amount of times I have gotten calls at work from her histarical that she truly hates him. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel defeated and hopeless. I started looking for an apartment
today so I can move out with my children as they do not show any progress, even after me speaking to both of them numerous times. I'm so sad to know that I have no choice other than to break up my family. I just want a happy family.
Jen commented on 25-Jul-2011 06:08 PM
I too WAS in that same situation. My husband hated my son, and would manipulate situations to where I would feel like I was either a bad mom or a bad wife, depending on the circumstances. My son reported to me feeling not part of the family, not feeling
wanted. My husband and I chose to live apart and raise our kids separately. He has his kids 50% of the time and I have mine 80% of the time. We spend every other weekend together, and have one date night each week. Often times, we are able to schedule a week
here and there when the kids' other parents have them for vacation or whatever. It's a really tought decision, and has been emotionally taxing, to say the least, but I felt it was the best thing for my son and the other kids in the family too.
Rosey commented on 28-Jul-2011 10:33 PM
Hmm, so much of this sounds way too familiar. My situation is so similar, and it really is frustrating. It ends up coming down to...do I leave my husband and render my toddler without a full family unit, or stay and let my son be belittled and put-down
constantly by someone who is supposed to care for him. Someone he is supposed to be able to trust. It's the most hurtful position a mom can be in...and I'm at a total loss.
Me-me commented on 29-Jul-2011 01:12 AM
I have been with my bf for 9 years we have only been living together for a year. Things were good at first but my daughter saw a side to him she never knew .he tends to drink and then get irrate .when she doesn't speak to him he doesn't speak either .I
told him he acts like a kid too when he does that .he thinks she should pay all her own bills buts that's so he can have more money to burn.he also says I don't care "she is not mine".I'm losing my hair I'm so stressed.!!!!! UUUUGGGHHHHH
A WORD OF ADVICE commented on 06-Aug-2011 12:45 AM
I'd like to offer some insight through my perspective as a child who went through many of these situations with my loving and caring mother. I am now 26. My mom got married out of college and had two children, me and my brother, with our dad. When I was
6 and my brother was 4 they divorced. When I was 16 I found out that my first of three stepdads had been my parents' marriage counselor. I don't remember a lot of drama between he and I, but then again I was very little. He and my mother divorced when I was
9. When I was 11 my mom married a horrible man who lived in a completely different city four hours from our home. My mom, brother and I had to move to this other city and I was told not to tell a soul we were moving until after the fact. My dad sued my mom
and that whole issue is traumatizing in itself but I won't delve into it here. My second step dad wouldn't let us move there with our dog. So we had to give it to our grandparents. I quickly discovered we were in a seriously bad situation as the man was extremely
psycho and abusive. I wasn't allowed to walk on the carpet in the den and never once sat at the couch. Everything I did was a problem. I listened on the stairs every time he was fighting my mother, literally for my mother's protection. She was married to him
when I was between the ages of 11 and 15. I would ride my bike all day and sit next to the lake and be sad for my mom, us, our family. When I was 13 I became extremely bulimic and couldn't stop that on my own and didn't want to reveal it. At the time I didn't
understand what was happening to me but today it is quite clear. I was purging my feelings. I was bottling them up because they made no sense to me. Why was this man treating us this way. I had come from having all the slumber parties at my house to having
two friends over on one occasion in the span of four years. My mom was hurting and eventually she did manage to get us out of that hell hole. We were all so happy after that. We were running around our new apartment like we were in Heaven. Mothers, you must
do this for your kids. My eating disorder came out of the bag when we moved out of stepdad's house. My mom put me in counseling and I battled it and won by the time I turned 16. But I just know that eating disorder was a result of the toxic situation a stepdad
filled with rage can bring to the mix. I wish I could say my third stepdad was the charm, but I'm afraid it absolutely wasn't. My mom dated him when I was in highschool and everything seemed fine as long as she was happy and there was no big fighting. They
married when I was 21 and he became resentful and rude to me and my brother. He had three kids from a previous marriage and my mom tried to be a role model to them but also didn't like how absolutely lenient and unconcerned of a parent he was to them. Truth
be told, his eldest was about a year younger than my brother and all of us step-siblings were great and close friends---and yet my step dad began starting fights all the time with my mom and was constantly complaining and criticizing everything we did and
everything my mom had to do with us. I was laid off work when I was 23 and had to move back home. I can't even describe how bad it was. I had always resisted staying overnight with my boyfriend out of respect for my mom but I eventually moved in with him because
of the issues my stepdad was making me go through. It was ripping my mom and I apart too. I thought we were through with this drama last time. I had been living away from home for two weeks until my 24 birthday, the day she drowned alone in a friends pool
after he apparently refused to pick her up after she had had anesthesia the day before for a surgical operation. She was very sick for 16 months before she died. Me and my grandmother were with her all day every day. He was so absent and cold. I found out
later he had forced my mom to sign a will one day before their wedding that his attorney wrote and a will she didn't understand, giving him everything my mom and her family had saved up for our family (ME, MY MOM AND MY BROTHER). Leading up to her accident
and subsequent death he calculated everything, periodically transferring all of her assets into his own pocket. This man, MY THIRD STEPDAD, made a profit off my family and my mother's death. I do not blame my mom for anything. I just say she made some seriously
stupid decisions that were seriously difficult to remedy and recover from. I loved my mother so much. She was my everything. But these men leave me very angry. I'm not saying all stepdad's are evil, just.......I've never had a good stepdad. I'm going to be
OK but let your kids grow up in a peaceful loving home by making clear-cut decisions about the men you bring into it. DON'T LINGER. MAKE NO EXCEPTIONS. TRUST YOUR INITIAL INSTINCTS WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR CHILDREN AND BRINGING IN A NEW MAN TO LIVE AMONGST YOUR
ONE-PARENT FAMILY.
LINDA k. commented on 07-Aug-2011 04:10 AM
I thanked Lord Jesus that I found this site. Juz 2day, I started packing all my personal things first before I do my kid's personal items. I don't know where to go, no place to move yet, but I must do it before it's too late. Mine is different from everybody,
most of your stories concerning about almost grown up child 11 above. I'm scrolling down & reading most of it thou. here's why I really need your opinion & moral support. I'm 50 yrs. old, married 3x, I guess very unlucky to have partner in life. I got married
3 yrs. ago, & my grandson grew up with me, because his Mother (my daughter) got molested at the age of 13, so I wanted to help her raise my grandson, & I stood as his own Mother, so that my daughter will still continue her education without having worries
what's going to happen to his son. My grandson grew up he thought I'm his real Mother, only when he turned 8 yrs. old my daughter started to tell him, she is his real Mother. I am so proud of her telling him that. Anyways, still the same he calls me Mommy
or Mom, he calls my daughter like his oldest sister. My husband for 3 yrs now, Gosh!!!really...at first he's so nice to him, even buying him so many stuff, expensive things that he can used for swimming. He wants my boy to learn how to swim, he's 8 yrs old
that time. I was so scared he might get drown, he taking him to deep water & his crying, so he shouting at him. telling him he's a looser!!! Now, since 3rd grade, he wants my grandson to study hard. Take home straioght A's as much as possible,, because he's
the smartest boy in his class up to college. He wants my grandson to be like him. Most of the time if my grandson cant answer his questions, he willl tell him his "stupid", "Nerd", looser. All kinds of bad names. he even want him to memorize all words in the
dictionary, he bought him one.He wants him to read newspaper everyday & make report of himself about the topics he read, bring home books not for 1st grade to 5fth grade, he wants him bring book 6th graders above. He hates when my grandson plays even weekend
like his video games. He do one mistakes, take out TV for 1 year. & Hiding all his video games. He always shouting at him now when he comes from work. I always pray that hope there's peace in our house if he comes, because I always get stress when he yelling
& getting angry to my grandchild. For 3 yrs. always the same, I never see him play with him, laugh with him, take him out for fun...nothing. He;'s excuses, tired from work or he will cook for dinner or he will work with his car. He don't buy my boy anything
since 3rd grade, only those swimming stuff, my daughter struggles to buy him school supplies, clothing & pays for his meal & school bus. I giving him most of my salaries to help. Still I'm hearring, my grandson wasting so much electricity, water, and so on.
For 3 yrs. I hearring words that I cannot accept where in fact for 3 yrs. we're married, I giving him most of my income, my daughter helps too sumtimes for groceries, not only that I pay our celphone family plan. He always have a say to anything. Now, I give
up. I don't know if my decisions is right. I don't know where to go now, but I just praying this is for my children's own good. we have trauma in the past, & I thought I'm with a good man, a man that can take care all of us, love us & accept us wholeheartedly...I'm
wrong. I tired so hard to help. he don't have his own child by the way. My grandson is 10 yrs old now, & my daughter that staying with us is 24, but stays most of the time in her school, she taking up Econ. She's reserved national Guard. He always had a say
to her boyfriend too, which my daughters Bf never even do anything bad to him or to us. He's also in Military service. I am praying that this is not going to be a wrong decisions, because, we will start all over again even I don't have money. I just want peace
of mind, & stress free, & not to see my children unhappy. Pls. help, & let me know if I'm doing the right thing. Thank you. More power to all, & God Bless us all.
Melinda commented on 07-Aug-2011 01:30 PM
I agree with most of the comments here. My stepfather was very abusive and my mother didn't do anything about it. I endured constant verbal and emotional abuse for nearly 15 years. I wanted to kill myself to escape the whole situation. I made a lot of
bad decisions in my life because I did not receive love and positive attention at home. Now that I am an adult, I still have very painful memories. I suffer from depression. I remember all the criticism and hateful words. I will never forget as long as I live.
I'm married but I do not have children. I know that when I do, I will not allow anyone to hurt them the way my stepfather hurt me. To all the mothers here...please be considerate of your children. Sometimes it is just impossible to have a "happy family" when
there are so many problems. These men don't love your kids. They don't care about your kids. Do you really want to subject your children to this kind of pain? It is difficult enough to grow up without a father. I know this from personal experience. Your children
are YOUR responsibility. They need to feel safe and comfortable in their environment. I never felt safe while living under my stepfather's roof. I never knew when he would blow up at me. He was always angry and it was always over something insignificant. He
expected to have ALL of my mother's time and attention. He would manipulate situations to make it seem like I was disrespectful, lazy, etc. He complained about my "attitude" when in reality, he was the one with the problem. I was constantly being accused of
things I didn't do. He also made sexual comments about my body and would sometimes hit me on my behind. At one point, he put his tongue in my mouth when my mother wasn't looking. He told me I was lazy, worthless, and ugly. I could never do anything right.
My mother defended his actions and blamed me for the whole situation. Sometimes he directed his rage at her, accusing her of being a bad mother and enabling me. This is classic manipulative behavior. I didn't have space to store all of my things and he would
start screaming about how "disgusting" I was, calling me a pig. My mother would say: "If you would start following the rules and be more cooperative, we would all be happy". He would try to humiliate me in front of people by telling me that I was lazy and
I was just a nobody who would never succeed in life. To this day, my mother will deny the pain that he put me through. She is quick to defend him. Ladies, please...think about your children. They deserve better than this. You might love this person but he
doesn't want your kids around. Their self-esteem is important. Their happiness matters. Don't force them to live with somebody who hates them.
stacy commented on 07-Aug-2011 07:02 PM
OMG i feelquite sick when i read the otherposts as i too married a man who suddenly turned on my 2 daughters.....i was a singlemum for 6 yrs beforei methimand he alosmade me feelasif i was a bad mum...he had 2 children he hadnt seen in yrs....If they left
coats, bags, shoes anywhere but not their room he wud throw them into the garden even if it was raining. I feel very guilty for marrying him and staying for 7 years....You have to do what is right for your children, if u dont stick up for them then noone else
will...I have a different problem now...We had 3 sons together and after leaving him finally after 7 yrsof marriage imet a fab man who has been moreof a dad than he has ever been...We'vebeen together 5 yrs and 2 children ...my middle son has suddenly got a
dislike for his stepdad...he likrs him from Mon to Fri....but from Sat to mon he hates him and tells him so...he is 10.....its breaking my heart...his dad only sees him 24hrs in a week.....i know our life is confusing but in school he only ever mentions his
stepdad
Anonymous commented on 07-Aug-2011 10:02 PM
This is why the divorce rate is so high, when dealing with adversity you are just teaching your children that it's ok to just up and leave. Its also apparent that step dads are terrible people, in all actuality, we support the child(ren) and offer love,
and what usually happens is that it's thrown back in our face at one point in time that we don't mean anything to the child or that what we do is totally unappreciated. It ends up in total resentment of the child at that point. It's especially hard when you
bust your butt for a living for 10+ hrs a day and you're supporting this child and they take you and everything you do for them for granted. It hurts. You open your arms and heart over and over to show that you are there for them and you get complete resentment
and disrespect back. I have been doing this for years, I have stopped trying. I'm done.
ms cupcakes commented on 11-Aug-2011 02:57 PM
i have the same problem my stepdad doesnt like me i always tried to study hard but he always seemed to put me down and make me feel like i wasnt good enough im not sure what he hated about me my grades are not what i expected them to be i stayed in all
the time never went out with freinds i studied so hard to be put down by him im hoping to get into college soon and i've moved out to live with my boyfreind i feel much happier here he treats his own children like they are trash they are only young he should
be gentle with them but he shouts and thinks everyone should be out to please him well he just needs to learn that he isnt the only one that deserves to be happy my mum does so much for him but he never seems to appriechiate her she is forever trying to please
him but nothing she does is ever good enough for him i am worried that she might not be able to cope with his ways any longer
IfMyMomEverReMarries.. commented on 12-Aug-2011 03:24 PM
It's normal. 90% you will love your own kid more than your stepkid. I can't believe you guys actually expected him/her to love your kid just as much -__-".. Lions kill off the cubs that aren't his and fathers his own. Sound familiar? But obviously it's
illegal to murder a human so they mentally/physically torture the stepkid hoping the stepkid will run off on its own/kill her/his self.
Anonymous commented on 13-Aug-2011 09:17 AM
My stepdad constantly criticizes anything I do. I watch Japanese animation, and he starts getting racist. Then his sons who are more immature than I am, he finds nothing wrong with (one is eighteen then the other is fourteen.). I do know that some boys
mature slower then girls, but i don't think he should be criticize my sisters (they ones he has never met.) here is what they said "I bet your sister is a drunkard like all the other natives on your reservation." I ignored them but until they said something
about my younger sisters, I snapped. I lost my temper and pushed him, but he punched me in the face. Then I hit him in the face, and gave him a bloody nose. Once i calmed down I apologized but he told me I was a horrid b*tch. I know what I did was wrong but
there they went to yell at me after they witnessed him call me that. I do know my mom used to abuse my older sister and she still holds a grudge. I suppose my mom is vunurable because of her last marriage then several relationships where the men just left
in the night. The boys were invited to our house and in the middle of the night i heard them walking about and going through my room. I have gone through things to protect myself so I was prepared. Then early the next morning the older one just came so close
to me that made me feel uncomfortable, but I twisted his words to made him a bit confused, then he left. I still don't feel safe around them and didn't sleep for the thought they would do something. I tell my mon and she doesn't quite understand, but I try
to explain it better. I get yelled at by him because I told my real dad he had drugs, then I said I just didn't want that around my younger ones. I really hate being thirteen, barely anyone here takes me seriously, even when I said I wanted to become a attorney.
Anonymous commented on 13-Aug-2011 09:12 PM
i read alot of these and it seems like half of this is not soly the step dads fault. hes expected to love and act like a dad to the children then when he makes a bad parental decition it gets thrown in his face, im thier parent NOT YOU. and of course that
brings resentment. he cant be expected to be purfect, and make the right decition every time,(there real dad certainly isn't purfect) only differance is that he ISN'T there real dad and as soon as that is brought into the equation he has been cut off from
acting like a parent towards them. then he doesn't know how to act towards them. he will become withdrawn frustrated and he will feel powerless toward that child, and eventuly just give up all together on them. you need to ask yourself when bringing a new
man into the family if you trust this man to make the right decisions towards your children and there future. then you need to stand by him and his decisions. if you dont trust him to put them first then you cant let him be part of your family. this isn't
the case with all comments here of course. some of these guys just sound like tossers that dont have the maturity level to deal with the situation.
Anonymus (age 15) commented on 19-Aug-2011 06:15 AM
I cant stand my stepfather, just as you guys he tries to help, but has the worst way of going on about it. He has a massive temper, threatening attitude, and believes that everything can still go the way they did back when he was a kid. He exxagerates
already strict rules and snaps at about anything that I say, weather it is friendly or not. He also chases me and pushes me around when I stand up for my self and if I keep defending myself, he only gets worse and will occasionly get very violent and do things
such as punch me, throw things at me, throw ME around (mostly into things) and then most of the time he will chase me out of the house and sometimes down the road and go tell my mum i 'ran away' so that i get into more trouble. I am too afraid to tell my mum
or local policeman an if i do tell mum, she always finds a way of making it seem like I am ever lying or that it is all my fault (she convinces herself he has done nothing wrong) because she is afraid of breaking up with him because of 'love blindness' and
major financial problems. This is the first time I have officialy 'spoken up' about it and am terrified at this very moment that he may walk in on me and see this. He probably will sneak up to my bedroom quietly and then barge in suddenly , hoping to catch
me out doing something bad, like he always does wether i am on the computer or not. Yes, he also unrealisticly, pushes me to improve my grades no matter how hard i try. He does all this to my older sister as well, but he is not violent because she is a girl.
I have been living with my stepfather for several years now and for 6 years of those he has been like this. Because of him, i plan to leave home and get a job as soon as I can, but thats over a year or 2 away and I have to put up with him until then.
Abusive controlling partner? commented on 23-Aug-2011 05:58 PM
I am confused. I don't know if my partner of 7 yrs is mentally abusing me, and my daughter or not. I prob sound thick but I just don't know! My two oldest daughters are not his, my youngest boy is his. He is devoted to him, dotes on him if I'm honest.
Also let's him get away with murder. My middle daughter gets on with my partner pretty well, they do have a bond, and he openly admits he loves her to bits. But my eldest has spectrum autistic disorder. She is rude, naughty, defiant and is not doing well at
school. She has not been officially diagnosed, it's still in the pipeline. Because of this he refuses to admit she is dif to the other children. He doesn't acknowledge there is anything wrong with her and picks on her constantly. He has openly said he hates
her, even though she would never say that about him. I am stressed cos of her behaviour problems, but also cos it stands out like a sore thumb how dif he treats the others. He shows her no affection, doesn't even say hello to her. He doesn't know where she
is sometimes, but never asks. She had appenasitus and was admitted to hosp for 3 days. His only comment was "at least it will be peaceful while she's in there!" I can't get over that!! She is 12 yrs old and is no angel. I see her faults, but he keeps saying
she should go live with her dad! He makes it blatant he doesn't want her. Also he controls everything. I don't go out anymore cos he doesn't speak to me when I get home, or he makes some excuse why he has fell out with me. He controls the money, admittedly
he earns it but it can only be spent on his say so. He makes all the decisions about everything. I find it easier to keep quiet. I have become a door mat. I just don't know what to do. I love my home, but I can't afford to live here alone, I love my daughters
and son. Would my son suffer if we split? Is it fair when my daughter doesn't behave? If I left would I cope with her behaviour alone? I just don't know!!! Help!!' someone help! I'm so depressed.
Anonymous commented on 26-Aug-2011 10:52 PM
Not all step parents are bad, I grew up with a stepfather whol loved me and cared for me my entire life. He loved me not because I was wonderful, or only becuse he loved my mother, but because I was a child, and all children deserve to be loved. My mom
allowed him to discipline or even spank me when necessary because she knew he didn't do it because of his own hostility or resentment. The ability to love and respect a child that is not your own happens all the time! People adopt, become foster parents, and
like my dad, great step parents. It comes from having a loving soul. A soul that has the ability to see all children, although annoying sometimes, as humans that deserve love, respect, and acceptance. There is a way to resolve all issues but bullying or alienating
a step child is just immature. Parents who are in a blended family sitution should treat each others children fair and equally. How can you not treat your husband/wives child in the same manner in which you would want your own treated? Treating your stepkids
badly or talking about them negatively will only cause resentment towards your own child, and in the long run will not allow your child to feel like part of a happy loving family either. I plan on leaving my husband for not trying to help me create a loving
family, but instead a mine against yours situation that gets worse by the day! I always hoped for a loving family for myself and mychildren, but I cannot force one, and this one is not it.
Anonymous commented on 29-Aug-2011 03:07 PM
OMG! All the situations sound like mine. I have been in a relationship for almost two years with 4 children. My three girls dad is incarcerated and will be for the next 20 years, he calls the house once a week which is my house and my boyfriend has a problem.
He has a child by some other women and he pretty much bends over backwards for here, like he can only see her(the daughter) at her home or at his mothers. He wants to control how things go here at my house but is jobless and all the money that he does come
across is tied up in bills. Yes I ask for opinions but they are all the wrong ones, ones that I dont really want to hear. I try to do whats best for my kids, to keep them from going through what I went through. He is another who always tells my 16 yr old he
is stupid or dumb, my 13 year old she will get pregnant. I mean what kid wants to hear that crap everyday or all day.
Anonymous commented on 31-Aug-2011 08:03 PM
i am goint through the same thing. My husand of almost ten years started out being such a great father figure to my kids. The two oldest got into trouble as teens and ever since then he despises them he does not let their mistake die down no matter what
they do or say nothing is ever good enough. I sent my daughter away to boot camp thinkging this is what she needed, that didnt work out then i sent her off to job corps so me and my husband can reconcile how horrible is that. My son has been jumping from school
to school been away from home also since the age of 13 on and off to different schools. yet nothing is ever good enough. I feel helpless i love my husband but why can't he love my children. Our relaitonship is based on the kids, if they do good he is ok with
me if not he stays away from me. I know in the past his family has interfered and said to him those are not your kids do not get in the way let the mom deal with them since then he has backed away from the kids. He tells me he washed his hands with the 2 oldest
he is close to the youngest but that is it. I am to the point of making my decision and leaving I cannot continue like this it hurts me and the kids so much. Talk about emotional abuse :(
Anonymous commented on 03-Sep-2011 03:55 PM
wow reading all of this made me mad that those kids are getting treated badly by there stepparents and I mean if u don't wanna deal with someone else's kis or don't want them around and if ur only looking for a relationship where it's just the 2 of u or
just him/her and his/her kids then don't marry someone with kids I mean these kids didn't ask to be brought into this world or ask to be brought into that crap i mean and to me I only think they play the nice card before they get married is because they want
to manipulate the kid but my stepdad and I have a love hate relationship I mean we get along okay he always picks on me though which i hate and makes fun of me and he does try to help but I admit I have pushed him away but I love him and I do have my days
where maybe getting divorced is better and but if they did i would probably cry my eyes out or something idk BUT DON"T MARRY SOMEONE WITH KIDS IF U DON"T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT
B commented on 20-Sep-2011 10:59 PM
I have to add somehing as a stepfather who feels like my stepdaughter hates me. And she thinks I hate her. I came into her life when she was 12 yrs old. I'll call her "W". Her mom and dad had gotten divorced 4 yrs prior. From the beginning our relationship
was strained although I tried to be a good guy to her. From my perspective she never did try. Her mom and I basically had to have an arguement with her about almost everything. For example when we explained that she was no longer going to be able to just walk
in and use the masterbathroom anymore in the morning, we argued.It was a big blowout where "W" just couldn't and wouldn't even try to understand that I'd be in there probably in my underwear. And all this even though she had a full bath all of her own to use.
When we rode in the car her mom and I tried to talk with her about things (to include her) and she would mumble so low that I couldnt hear her. We'd ask her to speak up and she'd say in a whiny voice "I aMMMM!" - and then STILL not raise her voice to a level
I could hear. Yet when her friends were in the car she'd talk in a normal voice. And yes this frustrtated me to no end!! We had arguments about the heater (she wanted to wear shorts in the winter and turn the heater up) - I told her she was not to touch the
thermostat. We argued about that. Her mom would buy her a new pair of shorts, yet when she got home and we wanted to see them on her, we had a big blowout until she finally did try them on for us. Where was her mom in all of this? At first she'd say something
to her daughter but most of the time it wouldnt change things. That would frustrate me even more. I noticed my wife's mode of "restriction" was to take away the phone from "W". The next day she'd have it back. on-off, 0n-off. I came to realize over the last
5 years "W" had no real worry about any real punishment. And so it came to that I would say things to "W" as a disiplinarian. (Where's spell check on this thing!! :-) ) I was that way with my kids and I probably overstepped my bounds with "W" but it was a
constant arguement to get her to do anything around the house. My wife is sof-spoken and thinks love with fix things. I'm not saying she didnt have rules, but many times they didnt get followed and no punishment was given. MY wife works from home, very intense,
a very stressful, busy job on the computer. I volunteered to do most of the cooking, which I did when I got home. After a year or 2 I noticed "W" hardly ever did anything to prepare meals other than pop out of her room and put 3 plates and silverware on the
table. I started suggeting and pushing to have "w" prepare a meal a week. We fought on that for 3 years. It NEVER fully became functional. I've got plenty of other examples I could use. Us "making"her get a job. Rules of driving that were not followed (she
had her own car btw), family parties where she sat with arms folded and didn't talk except in 1 word answers to my families questions to her while they tried to be nice to her, how about the fact we found out she was texting up to 10,000 texts a month- only
to be put on restiction for a few months, just to find out recently that the first 6 months of this year she was back to a total of 30,000 texts - - and so forth. Oh back to my wife, she's come to the point that I had nothing positive to say to her daughter.
That I only say the negative in her. Not true.. I attended school functions, tried to tell her how good a dancer she was, what a good student she was.... but yeah I have to admit my frustrations were MANY with her and I felt disrespected by her constantly.
I took some time and thought about it and I told my wife that if one of my kids had lived with us and had treated her that way "w" treated me - I'd be so totally pissed at my child. That goes right over her head and she doesnt even stop to think about what
I am really saying. In spite of "w" my wife and I have a good relationship - if you dont throw in the stepparenting as I have described. In the almost 6 years together probably 98% of arguments have been over "W". In my opinion "W" has been allowed to act
immaturly, disrespectfully, and only thinks about herself. The strange part is my wife agrees with that when she's calm. When she's upset -not so much!!Especially when even now as a college student away from home "W" is disrespectful and selfish towards her
mom. My wife hates fighting and I think she's very frustrated with her daughter (and frustrated with my frustration too) and since blood is thicker than water she wants to protect her daughter. I personally think her daughter needed a big butt spanking a few
years ago and should have been told to straighten up, but thats just my opinion. Around here, concerning "W" my opinion is worth nothing. So while all of you above might be in totally different situations, remember sometimes the step-father is not ALL to blame.
Yes I accept some responsibility but certainly not all of it.
Eric commented on 22-Sep-2011 11:16 PM
As I'm reading all these postings I realize how most every relationship on a step family is or will be bad, I'm a 34 yrs old divorced with 1 boy now 11 from a previous marriage. He was 5 when I meet my now wife and were the best of friends got along just
great played together ..more like friends instead of a mom or step-mom on this case. 2 yrs later she got pregnant with our first boy and her hate for my kid started... it is crazy how such a good woman has turned into a monster I feel so down and for the last
3 days I have been depressed and angry ....I never ever get depressed but this is getting the best of me, shes constantly bad mouthing my boy and always wants him to be working on chores or do stuff ,,,he only visits 2 weekends a month and she wants him to
clean the restroom our kids use......is so annoying more than trying to get advice im venting......because if you are in a situation like this RUN AWAY!!!! in my case I cant cause we have 2 kids together and im a family man ....I hang out with my kid when
he is with me and she gets mad and quiet all weekend it is so stressing I wish she could just go away....I'm so tired ...we spitted once and she took the kids because the house is mine from way before and for the first time I felt PEACE but then she got back,,,I
love my kids but she is so annoying..Im tired...again if you still have the opportunity to walk away please DO you will be doing yourself and ur kid a favor...... depressed in Tolleson ,az
getting therapy commented on 24-Sep-2011 05:57 PM
wow...sounds like a lot of people are going through the same situation. But I have not heard of anyone going to therapy???? I met my husband when I was 22 and my kids were only 3, and 5. At that time he was already very hard on them but I'm also a very
strict parent so I didnt immediately see anything wrong with it. I was so in love with him and it was so difficult to find someone who loved me the way he did. Over time I noticed that all he wanted to do was discipline my children but never spent quality
time getting to know them. I asked him to take them out to play but he would always say "they are little shits" and dont listen to him anyways. I felt heartbroken that he wasnt willing to put the effort into being bonded to the two most important people in
my life. I allowed this to go on for 7 years and I've asked him over and over to please have a better relationship with them but he insists that they hate him and "why bother". I've finally become fed up. My daughter is 11 and my son is 13 and I'm now 30.
Its time for him to grow up and be a man. I cant deny that he loves me dearly but if he really loved me then he would want me to be happy by having a healthy relationship with my children. So, I feel guilty and awful for not demanding this a long time ago...but
I'm not going to beat myself up but instead I'm focusing on how to make all of our lives better. I've signed us up for couples therapy first and he's agreed to go. I've also told him I'm serious about leaving him. He knows I'm ready to walk out the door and
that I'm not putting up with his immature behavior any longer. I'm not just going to walk out on someone who is damaged because I'm not perfect either. We have had some good times in the past 7 years but my children deserved better from him and better from
me. I should have protected them. But the bottom line is I've taken a stance and he know has a chance to get help. He may not know how to be a loving, nurturing parent naturally and he may never know. But, he is willing to learn new ways and I've made the
commitment to be his wife so I will try to help him become a better person. I will post what happens next but I think its better to mend whats damaged then to try to move on to something new that my repeat a cycle of emotional/physical abuse. If your partner
is not willing to get therapy or is not changing in therapy then you may come to the realization that things will never change. But, we all need some help here and it doesnt seem like we are doing a good job on our own. And if therapy helps, you are modeling
to your children that change is possible and relationships take work. I almost walked right out the door but I had to really think that if this man can change I will love him all the more and our family can heal. I dont want to teach my kids to give up. I'm
not saying you shouldnt leave an abusive relationship but I believe that if your in an abusive relationship you also need to look at yourself and what you have done to contribute to this abuse. If you allowed this to happen in your home then you need therapy
too or the next guy will be the same again.
N/A commented on 25-Sep-2011 06:26 PM
My step dad is the same ( lazy, emotionally abusive, makes you feel like shit and you can only do things his way or it's wrong, he even does it to little kids and adults.) he is controlling and if we tell my mom she will confront him, but he denies everything.
And what is worse is he acts all nice to make you forget how unstable. I read an article about how peoples child hood can affect them. I notice how if he gets made fun of ( when we are joking) he tries to change the subject or just laughs. but when he laughs
his face changes to a, haha thats funny, but inside he is a unstable little kid. He picks on my little brother alot makes fun of him. I also read in an article that they will pick on little kids becuase they remind them of them selves when they were little.
Yeah, again i read another article that men who joke alot are emotionally unstable. My step dad CONSTANTLY makes jokes but really, he is insulting people to make himself feel better.
Anonymous commented on 27-Sep-2011 02:53 PM
All of these post are so similar,my story is the same, my husband and i have been together for 12 years and married for 5. I have 1 son who is 14 from a previous relationship and 2 kids with my husband, and things i guess were ok at 1st. he loved my son
and raised him as his own,since his father decided to abandon him, as the years passed our relationship got worse and he started taking it out on my 14 year old,says he hates him and when my husband and I fight he tells me and my son to get out. last night
things got so bad he physically threw my son out of the house and told him to never come back. he is an abusive husband(mainly mentally) and also an alcoholic. I would do anything to protect all of my children but idk what to do anymore, my husband knows i
have nowhere to go,so he controls my every move, i was close to leaving a couple years ago but he somehow convinced me to stay and well i did and ended up having a baby with him, and now im really stuck. I tried killing myself last summer to end the suffering
and obviously failed, I just dont know why he hates my son, he says my son is disrespectful and he isnt, hes a teenager,he gets good grades at school and always helps with chores,but our 10 year old who is both of ours gets away with murder,and its always
the same excuse,"its my fault the kids are bad, its my bad parenting skills, its this its that" he will never take responsibilty for his own actions. I am depressed everyday,and years of the mental and verbal abuse have made me feel as if im nothing and never
will be, hes quick to point out everyone elses flaws but his own. Im so scared my son is gonna grow up to hate me for making him deal with this,and making his life like this.I just hope my son and I can get out one day.
Allison commented on 29-Sep-2011 02:01 AM
How interersting to get the step father perspective! Im in a 'blended family' my husband has a boy & girl & I have a girl, the eldest. We met shortly after he split from his wife (big mistake). He moved in with me because we was going broke with all the
money he was forking our to his ex! At the beginning we promised to act like a normal family & it all went well despite all the legal family court disputes we were embroiled in. My daughter dispite being an only child welcomed them with open arms & loved them
as her own father, brother & sister & largly still does. My husband was good to his children & my daughter reasonable equally & that lasted until he got his settlement & we bought a house together. My husband must have found his feet when we bought the house,
he wasnt living in someone elses house, it was his! This is when he suddenly turned on my daughter or should I say turned off her. His son (the last to carry on the family name) could do no wrong. My husband was allowing his son to karate kick my daughter
(then 9 years old) in the stomach for practise. despite explaining the problems it might cause in the future if she wanted to have babies, my husband would just smile. My daughter has been on the receiving end of this type of neglect for years, though my husband
denies it all. My daughter is now a teenager & popular at school, excellent grades & usually a joy to be around, unfortunately my husbands neglect & odd behaviour (did I mention that he has Aspergers) & meanness to my daughter caused endless fights between
us. My husband struggles with his Aspergers, & so do, I that it has become a problem for all of us (we have since confirmed aspergers in his father & his own son ). My husband becomes volitile when he gets frustrated (usually as a result of Aspergers) his
volitility has escalated to man handling me in a fit of rage, unfotunately my husband cares so little for my daughter that he will act this way in front of her but never in front of his children. He scares her (& me). He has done a second Anger Management
course & it helps but only for a while. The problem I am now facing is that my husband (because of his aspergers & dislike for my daughter) can not cope with my daughters behaviour, most of which is very normal teenager behaviour (actually I think she is on
the good side of normal teen behaviour). He has neglected my daughter in care & welfare for so long & with his recent volitility aimed at her, that she now hates him. After years of trying to get my husband to see that she is acting normally & is worthy of
attention & support, I have had to concede defeat. Step dads with Aspergers do not change:(
Anonymous commented on 29-Sep-2011 11:02 AM
What about a soon to be 7 yo step daughter who tells me she hates me all the time and I genuinley do nothing to deserve this. My finacee is a great guy and loves my 10 yo son. I am getting sick of being told I am hated in my own home and she is not happy
about the wedding. This is a very specail day for us as we were both in bad relationhsips before. I want to be happy about this. Meanwhile this 7 year old is mean all the time and makes me feel like crap. Even my 10 year old son tells her to stop being mean.
What do I do??
Anonymous commented on 10-Oct-2011 12:40 PM
My situation is similar...but my husband is the children's natural father. He walks in to the room and just looks at the kids (now 13 and 17) and starts picking them apart...everything from the way they are dressed (they both dress very conservatively,
but the way...but Heaven forbid they should have a shoe untied or forget to put on an undershirt) to why they are not doing their homework (from 3pm to 10pm, if they are doing anything else something is wrong) or why they haven't cooked him something to eat
(if I am working late) or is their room clean...or why don't they have more friends...or just anything he can find. Not one positive thing...since they were toddlers. They are not straight-A students (they makes B's and high C's) and they are not in student
government and are not top of their class, and so he thinks they are a total waste and constantly tells them so. "You are a complete waste of space" is a common phrase from his to his children. But his is their father. If I leave him, then itwill be up to
the two of them to care for him when he gets old, because he has no other family anywhere nearby or that he is close to...
NYLA commented on 12-Oct-2011 08:54 AM
TO ALL MOTHERS ... YOU SHOULD NOT LET YOU HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN THAT WAY . YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST ALWAYS... OVISLY YOU KNOW ITS WRONG OR YOU WOULDNT BE ON HERE WRITING ABOUT IT GO WITH WHAT YOUR HEART TELLS YOU. IT IS UP TO YOU TO
MOLD YOUR KIDS THE RIGHT WAY.
Anonymous commented on 17-Oct-2011 09:12 AM
i know what i should do but can't do it. My husband and i have been married for almost ten years. My two children from a previous marriage were 3 and 5. Their father has never been consistant in their lives and lives in another state, remarried with two
small children. My husband is my best friend, the most loving caring husband you could ask for. He is the best husband. He too criticises my children, never really talks to them without yelling about something. We have a 10 year old son together who gets the
love and affection that he has never shown my children. I have never made any difference over him not being their real father, as a matter of fact made it clear from day one to everyone that they have a real father and nothing can replace that. He screams
and yells and just wants to pick fights with them always, they are now 14, 16 and as teenagers are coming into their own, they are being typical teenagers. A few months ago, my husband came into the house and just started attaching my oldest son, they got
into it and my son started to stand up for himself, my daughter chimmed in and he started on her, he slammed the table up against her and my older son got furious! I told him to stop and of course got screamed at. When he left the room my oldest son, fell
to the floor, couldn't breath, chest was hurting, i was so scared, i called 911! he had a panic attack that was pretty bad-this is a 6ft tall 200 pound kid! Then of course i have to hear that "my" kids are lazy, disreceptful, etc....that i am not hard enough
on them.....he always throughs up that their "my" kids, but never have i ever told him not to discipline them because they aren't his kids, never have i put in that divide.....last saturday night we had been at a neighbors party, he had too much to drink,
which isn't usual....he came in and told me to make my daughter leave my oldest son's room because they were in there swearing....i wasn't too concerned but went in and told her to go to her room and gave the reason, she denied swearing my oldest son appologized
and said it was him, then right behind me was my drunk husband, starting shit with them, i told him to leave, he started in a rant! We ended up in our room where he proceeded to tell me my daughter sounded like a whore talking that way, and that i was a bad
parent, and that "YOUR" KIDS were ungreatful and i let them do whatever they wanted etc.....he went into such a rage, he through a water bottle at me and starting screaming, when i told him that he should shut up he was drunk he kept screaming shit about my
kids...i've had it....as great as a friend and husband as he is, i'm done! i know that the kids don't hate him and he has been there for them and has loved them i will no longer tolerate being in the middle and taking this for my kids or myself. Sad too that
we have a son that is a daddy's boy and divorce will devisate him, but i will make sure they stay close. it has been bad before and i have threatened him and we have talked and then it happens again. I have sent him the link to this blog and ask him to read
everyone's stories, i told him to then make a decision as i have made mine.
Anon commented on 21-Oct-2011 02:10 PM
I met my step-dad during junior year when my mom started working for him. The minute i met him he "seemed" like a nice person. A year later they got married for the wrong reasons, to get my mom citizenship. Even though my mom did it for that reason, she
is trying to create a relationship with this guy and he just does not seem to even want to try? I don't understand what happened to this old generation that made them so stubborn and close-minded and i don't plan on understanding. I have been as nice to him
as possible, every day i wake up and i say its ok just be fake and do what he say's you will get out of here eventually... I don't want to wake up like this? i will never get anywhere in life if my first waking thoughts are worries about not snapping on my
step-dad and killing him or something, but that's just my anger talking. They married for the wrong reasons and my mom is trying, but he is not. I am going to turn my mother against him and just use him to get citizenship regardless if that sounds wrong or
not i do not care for people like this. He is a very anti-social person, when we go out to wal-mart or restaurants he doesn't say anything its either my mom or me and he just stares at the people talking. Deep down i think this guy has schizophrenia or something
or a really dirty secret that i don't feel safe around him, i cannot let him live alone with my mother i get these weird vibes and incredibly disturbing dreams about him. It's like the warning signs from the kid at school who sits at lunch alone and just stares
at you with these eyes of hate from everybody who has been a jerk to him his whole life and you look at him and ask why his looking at you and he pulls out a gun and shoots you. His 2 son's have been living with us as we'll and his first son who is 18 and
been through a lot of shit with his alcoholic mother, he has been making him work since he was in 5th grade everyday for 3 hours just random yardwork or "projects" as he said. He finally snapped and went back to his abusive alcoholic mother ? what the fuck?
this guy is even worse than an alcoholic mother who steals from you and gets her boyfriend to beat you up... I am not going to tell you all the details but my mom could've married a million dumbasses for citizenship, she picked this guy because it seemed like
he could actually make my mom happy and he is not. My mom is very unhappy as we'll, she is just waiting for the day she gets her citizenship now. I feel terrible in this house, he does not even say hello , he can't look me in the eyes, he can't tell me to
do things himself. Instead he gets my mother to do it. This is really awkward and i feel like this guy is dangerous... what should i do?
Anonymous commented on 22-Oct-2011 05:56 PM
My mom met my stepdad when I was about two (my real father didn't stick around long after I was born and I've never heard from him). They got married when I was eight. I'm sixteen now and it's obvious he doesn't want me around. When I was younger he used
to ask me why I didn't move in with my grandparents and now he says he can't wait until I move out. He constantly belittles me and says the most negative things about me, both to my face and to my mom. He says I am spoiled, selfish, lazy, and a variety of
other insults with as much ease as though he's complimenting me. He tells me I look horrible unless I'm dressed up. He pushes me out of the way with no warning and only afterward yells for me to get the hell out of the way. He hates my mom's family and whenever
I want something, even if it's just an iTunes card, he tells me to go whine to my grandparents. He refuses point-blank to visit my grandparents on Sundays in favor of sleeping in front of the tv all day or wasting gas money riding around the countryside, but
he gets pissed if I say I don't want to visit his sister even if I have a good reason (like homework). He always snaps at me for the tiniest mistakes. If I accidentally leave a light on, he bitches so loud the neighbors probably hear for well over a half hour.
Recently he said I didn't open the bathroom door all the way (it was open in my opinion- maybe a 5 degree angle away from the wall, practically unnoticeable) and proceeded to slam the door shut as hard as he could, then yell about how I am a lazy fucking dumbass
who doesn't listen. And my mom doesn't say a thing. She tells me to just ignore him, and if I yell back at him I'm the one who gets in trouble. Most of the time she takes his side and if I accuse her of it, she says she's not taking sides and that she's tired
of arguing. She then blames me for pissing him off in whatever way, going on about how whatever I had done was wrong and if I had only done it right, he wouldn't have gotten angry. It's ridiculous. He treats me like shit and acts like a toddler throwing a
tantrum, but he expects to be treated with respect. One time we were arguing about something and he beat me. We were in the car, he and my mom were in the front and I was in the back, and we were yelling. Then he turned around and started punching me in the
head over and over. I ended up on the backseat floor and couldn't get up, but I was screaming and he wouldn't stop. My mom couldn't help because she was driving but when we got home, I looked in the mirror and I had bruises all over my face. That was the only
time he physically abused me. Still, he continues to be negative toward me almost every day. Over the past seven or so years if my stepdad and I argue, he ignores me for weeks and sometimes months at a time- I'll walk into a room and he will not even look
at me, he'll just keep doing whatever he's doing or leave. When I was thirteen I was recovering from an eating disorder (anorexia) and about four months after I had begun eating normally again, I was still cautious about food- he didn't help matters at all;
I had just gathered the courage to get some ice cream out of the freezer and he happened to be standing there. What did he say? "All you do is eat." The words made me sick to my stomach and he still says them sometimes today, even though I know they're not
true and he's just an ass. Last year around Christmas, when I was 15, he accused me of stealing from him. For days he kept asking me where his shit was and I always swore to God I didn't have it ( I really didn't). Finally on my first day of Christmas break,
I was sitting in the living room wrapping gifts (I was home alone) and he came home. He didn't say anything to me and I kept wrapping gifts. Then he stopped halfway across the room, stared at me, and said in a quiet voice, "Why did you lie to me?" I was like,
Huh? Honestly having no idea what he was talking about. Apparently he had found whatever was stolen inside his truck and thought I had put it there. Once I understood what he was talking about I lost my temper and flipped. I told him he had probably lost the
thing on his own and put it in the truck to cover up his own stupidity. This sparked a shouting match, both of us swearing at one another, and I left home for a few hours even though it was snowing. My mom came home a few hours later and he told her they should
get a divorce (something he threatens at least six times a year). He also said he was sick of me and my lies and flat out said, "I never wanted kids." This really hit me because even though I have no affection for him, it reminded me that my real dad hadnt
wanted me either. He then left and didn't come back until late that night. My mom didn't even care about my side of the story. She just sat there angry at me (she knew I hadnt stolen but she was mad that I had 'caused the fight') and said that now we would
lose the house and I'd have to go to a bad school downtown. In the end my stepdad stuck around and we did not lose the house, but at the price of continuing arguments and negative comments. I'm just sick of being treated like some unwanted houseguest. He's
immature, short tempered, negative, and downright rude. I don't deserve to be treated like this. No one does. I just feel kind of better knowing that I'm not alone and that other people have had similar experiences...
Laura Markham commented on 23-Oct-2011 08:53 AM
Dr. Laura here. I am so happy that this forum is providing a meeting place for you to realize that you are not alone in your situation, and to draw strength from others. Some specific advice:


1. If you are a step-kid, go get help. Give your mother this url. Ask her to protect you. Tell her how much you are suffering. If your mother can't or won't protect you, go to another trusted adult -- a school counselor, a family member. You deserve to be loved,
cherished, protected. A child or teenager should not have to go through this alone. Get help.

2. If you have children, please remember that when you took on the responsibility of a child, you signed on to protect that child physically and emotionally. If you need to separate from your BF, GF or spouse in order for your child to thrive, just do it. There
are some great examples on this list of brave parents who left, or who separated and kept dating their BF but who removed their child from a negative situation. You owe that to your child. It is your responsibility. It is that simple.


3. If you're single and considering moving in with a new sweetheart, DON'T. It is very hard to make a relationship work. It is even harder to be a parent. Being a step-parent is a task only for saints. It is that hard. Am I being overly bleak? No. Re-read all
these posts.

Is it impossible? Well, Sugarbelle (who commented on 11-May-2011) is a wonderful example of a stepmother who has a great relationship with her stepkids, but notice that of the over 100 posts here she is the only one. There are no reports of stepdads who are
great with their stepkids. Maybe it's biology, as some posters have said. Or maybe it's just so incredibly hard. I do completely agree with Sugarbelle that the only hope for a step-parent is not to act as a step-parent, and that it is really hard work. I know
very few people who could do this.

Notice what Sugarbelle says: "The reason why I've been successful is I've tried to step back and not try to force a relationship or "be" a parent...I love them but I'm not their "real" mom and will never try to be that... I just am another adult who loves them...so
I have to be careful how I approach them about say, p**ing on the toilet seat...or wiping their faces on the kitchen hand towel. If they were my own children I would keep on them until they got that it's not ok...but because they're not mine, I go easier on
them and try harder to be respectful... I completely agree with the poster who said that if a stepparent doesn't treat the stepkids with respect, it shows a lack of respect for their spouse too.


4. How do you know it is time to leave? If you're reading this column, you have two choices: Go to family therapy with your spouse and child until things get better. Or leave. That is really it. Imagine if you had a plant that was not getting enough water,
or sunlight, and was drooping. You would move the plant, and make sure it gets what it needs to thrive. And your child is not some plant you can let droop and shrivel. Your child is a sacred responsibility.


You are being asked to grow here, to stand up for love. What if your spouse won't go to family therapy? What does that say about his or her commitment to you?


Leave. Just do it. And then please come back and tell us. You'll be giving everyone else here hope and inspiration. And you may be saving your child's life.
Anonymous commented on 24-Oct-2011 07:45 PM
My step-dad, is a total jerk. He only cares for his own son. I'm 13 and his son is 14. Though we both make high grades, my step-brother is a lier and a sneak. I have 3 younger siblings and he only cares for 2 of them, cause they are his with my mom. But
my little brother is 6 and get no attention from him. I am worried about him and my younger sister. She is his but he still doesn't car for her much. He is a video gamer all day all night. And my younger sister now say how she doesn't wan to me by her own
dad. My dad is far away, and my older brother is too. So i only have my mom to talk to thought she doesn't do much about it. She needs the income. I say go but she says stay. It's hard for me. I hate having him as a stepparent. I hate him.
Anonymous commented on 30-Oct-2011 08:48 AM
ONE FOR THE STEPDADS I have been with my partner for 11 years, my step daughter was 3 at the time we met.Prior to moving in with my partner I would phone up and the screaming in the background was horrendous, i have seen her head butt her mum, no consequences
I have always stepped in and tried to teach her respect but to have it constantly thrown back in my face, despite telling my partner that she will only get worse as she gets older that she has to have boundaries, possibly due to this she hates me and has never
accepted me. Well she never has had boundaries and has got progressively worse. The wife continues to do everything for her, including washing her hair (she is nearly 15 and 6ft)she does nothing about the house and appears to love confrontation,especially
with me i have never hit her and never would, but she does not half push you, screaming in your face and I mean screaming.this causes constant arguing between me and my wife.I love my wife but feel trapped as we have a mortgage that we are just about affording,
i cannot afford to move out and pay the mortgage and we know also have a 8 yr old daughter, who i dont want to leave. I have tried to sit down and talk to my stepdaughter on numerous occassions questioning her behaviour, she just cant answer me oh does occassionally
say " i have anger problems". She is lazy, self centred, ignorant,demanding, abusive little ( dont want to write the rest of my feelings of her or towards her)but at the end of the day I blame her mum my wife, for being so lazy in dealing with her and weak
and pathetic in giving into her demands. BEING A STEP DAD IS THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD AND I CAN SEE THROUGH READING WHY A LOT OF THESE STEP DADS ACT THE WAY THEY DO WITH THEIR STEP KIDS (MOTHERS LIKE MY WIFE GET A GRIP YOUR SPOILT BRAT DAUGHTERS WILL LEAVE
HOME EVENTUALLY AND WILL THEY GIVE A TOSS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR HAPPINESS?
Miguel commented on 31-Oct-2011 01:23 PM
Dear Dr.. My mum&my step dad just got married, but the thing is that the first time i saw him, i didn't like him, it was a click, he didn't have to speak, but when i first saw him i had a bad impression. i told my mum and she said i didn't have to like
him, but just to respect him. But the thing is when he moved in with us, he basically just took over the house and now i feel so left out.sometimes when i have an argument or my muum has one with him,... he goes straight to tell his family and right now at
the moment im hated by everyone from his side of the family and even he once promised that what happens in the house stays in house, i dont see that. even sometimes he criticizes me, by saying that im gonna get pregnant early,that im gonna kill someone when
im 16 yrs-old. he always get angry over small things, like one day he made some popcorn and i just went to the kitchen i took some, and then he starts screaming at me. and then my mum came and starts laughing and he thrown the popcorn to her face, i though
it was rude and why would you do that your wife. My mum's side of the family understands why im reacting like this, my aunt says im still the same person as before and he keeps taking my peace away from me. i dont understand why my mum knows that he spreads
everything that happens in the house & and she still expects it. DOCTOR I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. HELP ME!!!! From,Stressed Kid.
Anonymous commented on 31-Oct-2011 08:59 PM
Wow!!!For so many years in my life I thought I was the only one going through situation.Now at 27 nothing still has changed with my step-dad. He and my mom married when I was 12yrs old. When she had her own place before their marriage he would come over.
He seemed nice at the time. BUt even at 11 I knew something wasn't right with him. Just had the gut feeling. The minute they were engaged and bought a home together he totally changed. He was very nasty, verbally and physically when my mom was absent.I was
very uncomfortable around him. He always wanted to talk about sex and boys and just things i wasn't comfortable with discussing with him. He would constantly speak failure over my life. Telling me things like I was stuck up, a brat, a b*tch and that i would
commit suicide over a man. He was very sarcastic, always leaving extreme chores for me, it was never enough for him. When my mom became preg I was always stuck with my lil sis at the age of 13. They never asked if wanted to visit friends and when i did they
fought sometimes physically. He has physically and verbally abused my mom as well. She never leaves and I would always get hurt or blamed in the situation.On top of that he drinks all the time and never seems to remember his actions when he drinks. I stayed
stressed throughout my pre-teen to adult years. Even now I have issues in relationships as an adult and yes I have seeked therapy. Don't want to live my lie based on my past. My sis is now 13 and he does the same things. He was actually abused by his father
growing up and for some reason he thinks his parenting skills are great and just a form of discipline. I'm at a point now that I really don't even care to talk to my mom I'm just Tired. I have no children and no relationship which i desire to have in a healthy
manner. All i can say is there is nothing wrong with having Love but women really need to be careful of who they bring into the lives of their children It's not worth it because the other person has financial stability when ur destroying ur children and possibly
yourself. It's just not worth it. To the mothers that are posting you see what going on in ur homes. Stop being in denial about the situation because your blinded by love and financial support saving face because you don't want other to know ur divorced.
ashlie commented on 01-Nov-2011 11:30 PM
My step-dad, is always rude to me. He always cusses and yells and says that im fat and ugly. He only cares for his own sons. I have never made honor roll, but i always do very good on the star test.His kids on the other hand have all been held back and
alwaysgo to summer school. I'm 12 andever since i was 8 he has said rude comments. onetime he was arguing with my mom and said i was an ugly fat b!tch that will never get anywhere in life. then the nex day he said my legs were so hairy that my dad must have
been an ape. my dad is in a different state and i havn't seen him since i was 2. now going to jail for 5 years and my mom does not want me to meet him. my step-dad always watches football and never wants to do anything but drink and watch t.v. I just really
wish my mom would get her act straight and leav him.
Mammy41 commented on 04-Nov-2011 11:44 AM
It breaks my heart to read these posts because I too am in this situation. I have been married to husband for 6.5 years and together for 9 years. I have a daughter that is 21 (who has a 2 year old son) and a 17 year old. My husband is 11 years younger
than I am and has no children of his own. He is the child of a single mom and he only saw his father in the summers after the age of 7 so he has not had a model for a father figure. My children were 12 and 8 when I started dating my husband. Things started
to change when we all moved in together about a year and a half into the relationship, he started making more demands of them and criticizing my parenting skills, which was a sore spot for me in the first place because I do realize that I had been too lenient
on them and had not made the best decisions regarding their behavior. My biggest problem right now is that my 17 year old son and my husband do not get along at all. My son is much like his father, which means the complete opposite of my husband. Their personalities
clash, my son is awkward and immature and a straight arrow. My husband is very social and drinks quite frequently. My son has so much anger towards my husband and he sometimes takes it out on me saying that it is my "punishment" for continuing to have "that
a$$hole in your life". He will sometimes not talk to me at all and tell me that the decisions i have made have hurt him and that he hopes I am happy because I have "sold out my kids happiness for my own". while i truly believe that he thinks this is true,
I also believe that he says a lot of things just to hurt me or to manipulate me. My husband have arguments all the time about his behavior becuase my husband is so strict about the chores being done by a certain time, in a certain way. My son is not allowed
to have any space that is his own that isn't ruled over by my husband, ie: his room has to be cleaned 2 times a week and if it isn't done to husband's standard it has to be redone. My daughter who is now 21 hasn't really spoken to my husband for the past couple
of months because he refused to let her move back in when she couldn't afford to live on her own. I have had my tubes tied since before I met him so we can't have children of our own but he loves my daughter's 2 year old son like his own child. The grandbaby
spends a lot of time at our house and has his own room and my husband has told me that he loves the grandson more than he loves my son and in fact that he finds it very hard to love my son because he feels so much opposition and anger from him. My husband
and my children are all very stubborn and opinionated and I am very much caught in the middle and hate confrontation. I feel like every day of my life is spent trying to smooth things over and I walk on eggshells all the time not knowing how either one of
them will react. My son is depressed and stays in his room all the time. He tells me as soon as he is 18 he will move to the state where his dad lives and he will not come back. I can't stand to think about that. His father is not a good role model and I don't
want my son to turn out like him. I do believe that family counseling or even individual counseling would be beneficial for us, there are days when I just want to pack up and move out and never see him again, but when we are not fighting he is very affectionate
and loving and I usually enjoy our time together, it is just getting harder and harder to not hold the resentment against him that he has driven my children away from me. I feel that I have failed my kids, and myself. If I had it all to do over again I would
have never dated at all after my divorce and I would have put forth all of that energy towards raising my children and making sure they were happy and healthy and that they had all of the tools to meet their full potential instead of being made to feel like
second class citizens in their own home. I have been "emotionally blackmailed" by both my husband and children for years and have been given a guilt trip from both sides until I honestly don't know what or who is right. I just know that it has to stop! Of
course there is so much more to the story, but there is only so much room to write on here!
desperate and depressed commented on 04-Nov-2011 03:04 PM
Thank God I am not alone. My husband was a strict stepfather but always seemed to push the kids for their own best interests. We had upsets that seemed major at the time but would all sit and have a 'kids court' each week where all 4 kids (3 were mine
from a previous marriage + 1 was his from a previous, we had none together) would say if they felt they were treated differently from another, and this worked well. We had great times as a family whilst the kids were younger, they were 9,6,3 + 2 when we got
together. Yes, his daughter, the youngest, got away with more than the others but she wasn't with us permanently although we had her as often as we could. And she has grown up to be as close to me as my others. The problems have really got so bad though since
they have all left home ! My eldest always had a good relationship with her stepdad (he hates that word!) and he was fine until she seperated from her partner when their children were young. She 'changed' after her second child was born & had an affair with
a friend of my husbands who was single. It ended and she was on her own with the children, of her own choice. We now know she had suffered from post natal depression for seven years un-diagnosed which has turned into such severe anxiety & depression that she
now has to have regulated medication and counselling, and that her actions were part of this 'borderline personality trait'. Her ex-partner is fantastic with helping her with the kids etc, but my husband will not tolerate her in any way shape or form. He refused
to let her visit our home until I threatened to leave him. But he will totally ignore her or leave the house if she comes to see me. It is making my life, and hers, so miserable and it's not as if she was even living with us when all this happened. It is her
life not his but he is acting as if this has all been done to upset and hurt him personally. It has hurt everyone but we are all, except him, managing to get on with life. I don't think I can cope anymore with having to lead separate lives, never having all
my family together at one time, not having my grandkids over. I still love him but his mental & verbal abuse to me about my daughter is killing the relationship, so even after 20 years I have to make a decision to leave because although she is 29 and has made
mistakes (and I think I made the biggest !) she is still my daughter and deserves more support from me than frantic half hour visits which is all I can do at the moment as I'm made to feel guilty if I don't do things with my husband in my spare time, and he
will never participate in any 'family' events......not that I feel I have a 'family' anymore, just separate individuals around me who i love and who all love me. Just so tired of trying to please everyone. Anyone else had this type of situation ????????
Txtam commented on 06-Nov-2011 11:05 PM
Ivan in the exact same situation a's most of u. 17 yr old son. And a 21 year old. My husband started alienating my der son, he moved in with his father and for years there was animosity there and he wasnt welcome on vacations or at the house. Always talked
down about him. Fast forward to present situation. My son barely scrapes by in school, has experimented with drugs, but other than that is pretty respectful to him and stays to himself. Husband is constantly putting him down, calling him lazy etc. He has tested
negative and doing better but still calls him a lazy pot smoker. Mind u even when my oldest graduated and has a job (own biz), it wasn't good enough. My kids aren't perfect, noones are, his daughter lost her virginity at 14 and has done other drugs and smoked
pot. Never would I constantly put her down for it. Maybe men r different. But he is a pessimist and negative. Never sees the good. I'm contemplating divorce currently even though we have a daughter together all we do is fight and it can't be good for her.
My son is in bball and is very good, even at his games he would say he could have done better. Never a compliment. It's just never good enuf. Thanks for listening. It is awful to be in the middle and my job is my kids. Husbands a's I have found come and go.
16yrsold Breanna commented on 08-Nov-2011 07:38 AM
My real dad was physically abusive towards my mother. He got my little brother, my mother, and me and just dropped us off at a ugly building. I had to go to school with nothing but the clothes I wore yesterday(i was 7yrs old) When I was nine my dad said
he gave up on me and that I was no one to him. A month later my mom met another guy and three or four months later they got married he was nice to all of us but then he started showing his truHe did nothing but watch tv and sllep. e self. He started arguing
with my mom everyday and he would hit her. I would cry alot and my brother would end up yelling and everything but he was still be sleeping. My mom had 2baby boys. When they were 3& 4 my stepdad would yell at them to a shut up and he would spank them. I stayed
in my room trying to get away from everything. From the age of 14-15 I got so fed up with everything I tried to commit suicide 3-4 times. I couldnt take all the arguing, abuse, sadness, deppression, pain, being compared to my stepsisters. It hurt. But I still
live. When I came home monday morning from a competition my mom got out of the car and said "sorry your about to see this". & her and my stepdad started arguing he then pulled her to the ground by her hair. I felt so sad I didnt want to come home to this.
later in the summer they planned to get a divorce because she found out he was cheating on her multiple times with his cousin and some random girls. I was brokenhearted that I wouldnt be able to.see my stepsisters. My mom, brothers, and me moved into an apartment.
My mom met another guy she knew him in hs. They got together and now their planning to get married december 31? Thats too early! I was depressed once again. I dont want another father. I dont. Hes nice yeah but I dont know my stepdad was nice too until they
got married. My lil brother not my half ones is so lonely too hes also got so much anger he yells at everyone and hits them and cusses he even broke the window with his head! Hes out of control. I dont know what to do now I dont want my little brothers to
end up like me and my real brother. Their dad doesnt even want to see them until march! Right now its november. He doesnt even call them or anything. Awhile ago my stepsisters were in town an I wanted to go see them but he said no and only took my half brother
I felt so left out. Help I dont have a clue what to do!? :/
Christy commented on 12-Nov-2011 10:27 AM
My daughters are 13 and 16, and my husband hates them. He ignores their very existence, and gripes about them constantly to me. They are both great kids with good grades and also very responsible. My husband makes me feel like a bad mother because if they
forget to put their cup or plate in the sink (for example), he complains about how lazy they are and how he KNOWS his kids (age 4 and 5) will never be anything like them. It is so tense here. He will not even buy my daughter a new bed and she has springs poking
put of her mattress that hurt her. I am not working at the moment, otherwise I would. I do not want this marriage anymore because of the way he treats them. We have been married 8 years and he gradually turned against them, more so the past 3 years. Once I
get my degree I plan to leave. I want my children to feel loved by a father, but my husband is not the man for that. Their biological father is not interested in their lives much since he got re-married which is sad. I love my kids and it hurts me to see them
being treated so bad. my husband says he does enough for them by providing a roof over their heads and food, and that he does not need to show love. When i heard that, I made a decision that we should get some serious help with parenting classes, or of he
does not agree to attend with me, I need to leave. He is not who I thought he was while we were dating. My 4 a d 5 year old (who are also his children too,) would be devastated if we separated or divorced. He treats them like royalty, and they love their dad.
I wish this was easier. :(
anonymous commented on 13-Nov-2011 11:01 PM
WOW... yes that's almost all I can say is WOW. My heart to this day pains when I look at what I put my children through because I thought I needed to be with a certain man in my life. The man in my life could've waited. That is the truth. My children now
grown and out on their own. His children moved in with us and yet with his children it's all different and I, as the stepmom give to his children because that's what mom's do! We are a family, because "I" allow us to be. But over and over I ask why "HE" couldn't
have done the same for my children at the time. It pains me to give to his children many times because he took away from my children. But I'm thankful I do not allow my hurt to get in the way of being a proper caring stepmom, as I wish he would've done for
my children. Stand up for your children mothers.. they are precious and they will grow up fast. I only trust my children forgive me for not putting them first at a time in their life when they needed me. : (
anonymous commented on 13-Nov-2011 11:13 PM
Breanna, I'm not a counselor but i suggest you do find someone with some knowledge in these matters that can help you. I'm holding you and your family in prayer. God look after you.
Anonymous commented on 15-Nov-2011 06:42 PM
I came here looking for solid solutions. I read a few posts and comment and feel compelled to respond. I cannot speak for all situations but as a stepdad of two teen boys I can say I would never do it again. I have raised other children and I am at the
end of my rope. Before i get too far along. Women, if you do not like the situation you're in then you should leave. Nothing is gained by torturing you husband, kids and yourself. Sometimes things don't work out. It's very difficult to get the "big picture"
from a simple post. We hear vague things like "My stepdad is mean or my husband sits on his @ss". How can we make a judgment or give good advice when the other side may say "I punished my teen for smoking or I sat on my @ss to watch the game after a 12 hour
shift." There are always two side. When I describe my situation I try and include as much detail as possible to avoid confusion. I find kids hate people that "parent" them. It's an odd position for them and the adult. It is crucial for the bio parent to reinforce
that the step parent is an equal and helping raise them. Wavering and running on guilt will only create animosity and resentment for all involved. My two boys are highly intelligent but unfortunately it pretty much ends there. They two parents that desire
their friendship and will forgo expectations, rules, consequences, morality and ethics. The boys paternal family has some wealth and this has lead to a sense of entitlement. This has caused them to have an inflated sense of self. Their egos are out of control.
They are lazy in all aspects of life. Only doing the minimum and only then when threatened with punishment. Grades are poor despite numerous resources in the home and at school. THe oldest is an honors student . Before i entered the picture both parents felt
C's were acceptable because "we were C students". I changed that. Expect more and the child will try harder to meet that expectation. There are two kind of men that marry women with children. Those who could care a less about the kids and ignore them "they
are your kids. keep them out of my way and we'll be fine" and the second is the kind of man who dives in and gets involved. The one who drives kids to their sports games, helps with homework, meets with teachers (when the other two parents "can't"), dr's appt.,enforces
rules, teaches the kids to care for themselves, and on and on. We do all this because, while we may not love the kids yet, we love you and one day we may fall in love with your kids too. More often than not that good man becomes the un-involved first man.
Slowly but surely our patience with you and the kids wears thin. Your lack of desire to be a parent, inconsistency, fear and guilt of "losing your kids", lack of understanding and empathy for our position, etc. We will leave you one day. We do not want to
but unless you have an epiphany or a miracle happens one day you will come home to an empty bed. No one wins. The kids have a short term victory thinking they rule the house and you start the search for a new man who gets it but the story doesn't change. And
I'm alone. I'm sorry or the diatribe. I feel alone in my situation even though I know there are tons of people and families just like mine. We, the stepparents are not monsters, idiots, or child molesters. We are thinking, caring, people with a desire to create
a peaceful, happy home. To give you an idea what i deal with on a regular basis. The 16yo (student council, water polo, graffiti tagger, to-cool-for- school) performed in the school talent show. He chose a son with tons of profanity. The teacher didn't get
a chance to check it over. The teacher trusted him. A thousand kids heard the song. The boy's father says "I got your back son" in some gangsta bs and chews out the teacher. Instead of saying "how dare you break the school's and teacher's trust. You've embarrassed
us and yourself....etc". If the boy was 5yo i could understand his dad's position but he is a 16yo honor's student who is very bright. He knew what he was doing. The 12yo is no better but I'll leave it here. If you pray then please pray for us.
Ambi commented on 16-Nov-2011 12:54 AM
Wow, Its a terrible shame in these "family" situations im reading about here, Its sad so much of this abuse is still so casually going on these days. Seems like all these women- mothers see and know their kids are hurting and being harrassed, abused emotionally,verbally
and or physically on a daily basis and uncomfortable in their own home, but they wont do anything about it because their afraid to not have a man around. Why dont you give your kids up? A prestigious boarding school academy or adoption? to nice family members
or a loving family?? Why should your kids suffer because you need a male around??-- even an child abusing male--is that what you call love? If he loved you he would not hate your kids, and why do women give up on their maternal morals for child hating monsters?
Who in their "right' state of mind would want to be with someone like that? And then expect these monsters to successfully lead and be the head of the household? If some of your kids need severe discipline verbally abusing them swearing and intimidating them
is not the answer--send them to military school or something. reach out to seek help in couseling and resources for your local area try infoline.org or a similar resource, white pages, google, etc..You you insist on staying with these monsters-dont make excuses
when you know its not right--get the kids safely away and places in a loving funtional thriving family setting, anything is better than being a helpless child / teenager who is being abused in their home by someone their mother loves to have around no matter
how bad the situation is-for that child-or children. These situations anger me so much because I used to be a child in these similar situations, I started running away because the streets start to look safer than your "home" and just like most of you "mothers"
my mom did not want to get rid of her partner to better the life of her child. So as a result of running away which caused me to skip school I looked like a bad kid, but really wasnt. And FYI: to all the moms with daughters-if your partners are looking at
your young girls screaming their going to be pregnat, chances are they are looking at them in a sexual manner and frustrated because 1. The kid will argue back and defend herself, and 2. He doesnt have the opportunnity to sexually abuse her quietly and get
away with it. How do I know?- From experience I was that daughter who had a few "step fathers" who were monsters. Girls have it bad, but boys have it bad also-even if your son is 18, 19, 20 their still your child and abuse is not right. I was sent away to
a boarding school for jr. high & highschool, I met many kids in these similar family situations where their moms chose to keep their child abusing partners and pretend to the outside world that the child has some issues and its not all the "step father's"
fault. A lot of girls and some boys had their step dad's or some cases their dad try them sexually-whether it was a slight brush against the body, slight touch, something said descreetly or worse and the kids felt they couldnt confide in the mother's with
their abuser still living happily in their house and didnt want to make their mom's unhappy, or was threatened by step dad. Anyway, away at boarding school was the best for me, with some schools they accept financial aid or the state pays for it if the child
is removed from the home. I recieved the counseling I needed,felt safe at all times, learned quite a bit extra, made good friends and even stayed all year around. As an adult it has really help me in life--I never used drugs, I dont smoke, drink champange
on select holidays, dont believe in abusive relationships / marriages nor do I believe in child abuse of any kind and will fight against it-prevent it-advocate against it as a member of some of my awareness and prevention goups. I have a wonderful husband
who is also a wonderful father, we have a great child who I cant ever imagine allowing anyone no matter who they are to hurt my child I will kill and die for my child / children. And I do not have a relationship / contact with my mother-We do allow our child
to pop up at her house every now and then to visit her for 30 min. and bring her a gift while we wait outside--like I said I'll never allow and open door for anyone to hurt my kid. I just dont get that--If your not going to protect your child and ensure they
have a happy childhood--then why have kids??? Why? Whats the point? Oh, I forgot-for a man?? Then when it doesnt work out you keep a monster around for your own selfish and in a way sick pleasure?
Melinda commented on 30-Nov-2011 03:05 PM
I totally agree with you, Ambi. My own experiences as the stepdaughter of an abusive man are posted further above. I'm happy that you escaped that situation and you are now in a better place. It took me a very long time before I could escape and have a
somewhat normal life. As to the step-parents who have commented...I respect those of you that are genuinely trying to be the best stepfather or stepmother you can be. I know that some stepkids can be extremely difficult. I know that it can be frustrating to
raise children who aren't yours. Some stepchildren are brats. Not ALL step-parents are monsters, but it is noteworthy that many children have been injured or killed or abused in some way by a person who is not their biological parent. It is no coincidence
that many of us have come forward to share our stories about living with abusive step-parents. Anonymous at 6:42 said in defense of his position as a stepfather: "We are thinking, caring people with a desire to create a peaceful, happy home". With all due
respect, please speak for yourself because not every step-parent is that way. Some are truly wonderful and kind to their stepkids, but not every stepchild is that lucky. I know that my stepfather was definitely not a caring person who wanted to create a peaceful
environment for me. Many of the other people here can tell you the same. I didn't grow up in a loving home...I grew up in a toxic environment with all kinds of dysfunctional drama. I was robbed of what should have been the best years of my life. I wasn't a
perfect kid. I was no angel, but I also didn't deserve to be treated like trash. My stepfather damaged me in ways that I can't describe. I'm nearly 30 years old and I'm still in so much pain. Therapy has not been able to help me get over it. I'm sure you are
a great stepdad but you can't speak for the other people who abuse their stepchildren and mistreat them. It still hurts me to know that my biological father didn't really want to be a part of my life and my mother decided to marry a guy who made me feel rotten
and made my life miserable. I love my mom, but she didn't care about my feelings or needs. I'm all for single mothers being happy but their happiness shouldn't be at the expense of their kids. Children come first, unless there is an extreme situation or unusual
circumstances. Children come first. A good step-parent deserves respect, but respect must be earned. My stepfather wanted me to respect him but he showed absolutely none to me.
manindistress commented on 02-Dec-2011 12:47 PM
I have been married to my wife for two years. She has two kids from a previous marriage. The boy is 12 and is mommas boy. I find it odd that he follows my wife EVERYWHERE she goes. Even when she is changing for work and goes to the restroom all the time.
After my wife and I got married, we moved in together. Things were good. I was concerned that my stepdaughter (14 yoa) and i were not going to get along. Well we do. And very well. One day the boy and I were watching television and I asked him to do something
that i do not quite remember what it was. Well the boy called me an "idiot". I chewed his ass off and ever since then , we do not get along. He cries to my wife for everything. Literally cries like a baby. I can not stand him. I would say that 90% of our arguments
are because of this boy. He needs to grow a set of man parts.
Anonymous commented on 03-Dec-2011 09:21 AM
I am 18 year old girl and my stepdad and my mum have been together for almost 10 years, I do not see him as a father figure at all, my dad died almost 11 years ago, when i first met my stepdad i thought he was brilliant, he helped my older brother make
toy cars and things were starting to look up, he helped take the pain away from my late dad. Then after a few months everything changed he turned out to be the man i needed least in my life. I was such a happy child until he changed all of that all i find
myself doing now is moaning about everything, being negative towards everything, thats not who i am! The way he acts has rubbed off on me. The pain he took away from my dad has came back over the years and i find the pain unbearable sometimes, all i ever desired
was a father figure and now im an adult i know that will never be possible, i try to speak to my stepdad on many occassions and all he does is turn the tv up or tell me to shut up. I just dont feel part of the family anymore it just feels like its my mum,
my stepdad and my little brother (who does not remember my dad so sees my stepdad as his) i was a little innocent girl who could do no wrong who life was ruined by a drink driver then to top it off got stuck with the stepdad from hell. Its to the point now
where i am sick of my life im sick of being shouted at for absolutely no reason and he says things like respect your elders but im sorry respect is earnt not just giving regardless of your age! but to escape all that i spend most of my time in my room or at
college. Also he shouts at me when i eat or if im making something to eat he watches me to see how much stuff im using (even though he & my mum are quite wealthy) and i've been paying rent to live at home since my 16th birthday. I am also currently seeking
medical help for depression. So its to late for me dont make it to late for your children, its just not worth the pain.
Anonymous commented on 04-Dec-2011 12:51 PM
OMG (as others have said) My partner and I got together 5 years ago and our relationship was great...until I realised recently that its great as long as its all his way. He had a baby with his ex who is now 6 and who I took care off sometimes full time
until he stopped paying her maintenance so she made a whole load of allegations to get him back under her control and get the money reinstated. She demanded evening access for my partner and her son at her house only and he played ball while I was tolerant.
But slowly, over time I noticed a difference in "the class system" of our home. My children werent allowed the goodies he got, and they were always responsible for the problems no matter how they started. During another period of allegations, my son became
the target, she thought he may be abusing her son. Investigations were started and found twice to be false, but I was concerned that if my children were her target that their future may be at risk. i wanted them all kept separate to protect them but was met
by a barrage from the MIL and partner of how that would upset him more so I ended up having to live with that possibilty. Now my partner and I had a child last xmas and when she was 10 weeks old, he snuck our baby to her house to show her off. i was concerned
as this woman has issues, and within a month his ex got a partner and moved him in, got pregnant and has chosen to have a c-section on our daughters first birthday! So still mental. My partner in the mean time has decided he doesnt want our children mixing,
ie his vs mine and ours. He has continued to show disgust at my half of the family and now takes his son at weekends to stay at the MIL. He takes him to macdonalds, and scoots him about in taxi's, feeds him on M&S food and pays maintenance all out of the £100
a week he earns at the moment, he also has a weed habit so he puts in less than he takes out. I'm certainly well aware now that its my family and his family and that he will flit between the two as and when he wants. (left for 1 week, came back for 2, left
for one, back for one, left for one and has been back for 5 days so far.) All this has put a strain on the relationship which is why hes chosen to take his son to what he says is a nicer and calmer environment which was decided by him and MIL. Now while his
son goes on a couple of holidays a year, gets holiday and birthday money and has £2K spent on him at xmas, my daughter feels jealous and left out by him and his family and her behaviour has got terrible. He cannot see why. We now have intervention, but he
says he understands while doing what he wants. I will be talking to him tomorrow cause frankly, Im at the point where as much as I love him, he needs to sort it out or Jog On
vickymdfinestbestmomintheuniversewiththebeststepdad commented on 05-Dec-2011 01:58 PM
i blame you you put your daughter in this situation... I dont care if he was god how dare you let this man come between you and ur child if her dad is out of the country then you need to make up for it ... cursing at ur child is child abuse... how can
u strees out ur child with a man that makes her not feel loved obviously this is not something that just came about so its ur fault if ur child grows up feeling an animousity towards you and him....
Mike commented on 05-Dec-2011 03:42 PM
As a stepfather to my wife's 4 adult children, I'd really love to hear the other side of these stories. If a relationship starts well and turns bad--something made it so. You play a major role in that drama, should you really examine the situation. As
a single male, 40 years old and dating, I met many women; most had children. Some of the families--well, most--were dysfunctional; usually the previous husband was a drunk/abusive or left because of differences in child-rearing. Many of the women I met--and
I recognize the type from some of the threads--are "guilty enablers." They have hundreds of reasons to excuse poor behavior, usually based on the guilt of having stayed with an abusive husband or are so anxious to "have the love of their children" that they
put up with almost anything. Others were just maxed out and didn't have time or energy to discipline their kids--which created bad habits they both live with. There were a few that were functional--a loving, respectful relationship that welcomed another adult
into the equation--a breath of fresh air. This is the relationship I chose to enter. Bottom line: 1) you aren't without fault. Neither is your partner. Talk it out before it gets too bad. Seek help. If the guy is physically abusive, leave. 2) When you remarry,
you are binding yourself to another person who expects your love and support. Your connection to that individual is MORE IMPORTANT than the connection to your kids. If you can't live with that, DO NOT REMARRY until your kids are grown. If, to you, your kids
are #1, then you should not remarry at all. Dedicate yourselves to your kids and save yourself from another divorce. Your partner deserves better. This goes for BOTH men and women.
Anonymous commented on 05-Dec-2011 07:32 PM
The best thing you should do is have a talk with your child and explain that the problems aren't her fault. Help your child by studing and doing her homework. By doing this you will be able to help your child feel less wrse and talk to your husband and
explain the whole situation to him and tell him to stop critizing your daughter becasue she is really being affected.
Pauline commented on 06-Dec-2011 05:40 PM
Anonymous commented on 15-Nov-2011 06:42 PM 0- i came on this site needing information and support, but also being enlightened by the insight from the step parents point of view, how ever your comment 'Slowly but surely our patience with you and the kids
wears thin. Your lack of desire to be a parent, inconsistency, fear and guilt of "losing your kids", lack of understanding and empathy for our position, etc. We will leave you one day. We do not want to but unless you have an epiphany or a miracle happens
one day you will come home to an empty bed. No one wins. ' infuriated me, it shows me exactly why i need to get out of my relationship which up until that point i was considering giving another go. Our lack of desire to be a parent, what a throwaway remark,
but also ones which shows how ignorant you are, WE ARE THE PARENT, you are there as a guest and thankfully its one that we can ask to leave. Child like adults do not come with a manual, its hard enough being a mum having to make the decisions not knowing the
effect they will have but at the same time knowing that you WILL never stop trying for your child, your comment shows that you do not like your step child nor do you respect your partner. You have never walked a mile in her shoes as you have the advantage
of leaving as mum and sometimes a dad we do not have that choice but its a choice we are willing to make ALWAYS. Most step parents initially are willing to accept the 'we come as a team' then when you realise that the bond that WAS FORMED at birth (Be it father
or mother) is one that you can not penetrate you resort to put downs, insults, degrading, did you once ask the other parent about the situation, did you ask their advice, i doubt it, i expect just from those comment you bullied your way through to get your
own way, put your partner in an impossible position, turned the love of a child away, and in turn lost the love and respect of both of them. Thank god i read your post it has really woken me up to the childlike selfish behaviour of the 'Other person' They
did not join you, you joined them! If the child leaves because of the home situation do you really think the partner is going to be happy, or is it that you are now happy and that is justification for getting rid of the child - as a parent no matter what our
children are first! It seems that some can not appreciate that the kids come first, i envy those that have found partners who genuinely want to see the children develop and grow, when the kids do that so do the adults, you need to look out side the box, not
lay the blame at the door of someone who has been a parent a lot longer than you!
Anonymous commented on 07-Dec-2011 09:02 PM
My stepdad REALLY hates me, i don't really know what to do? i'm not very atheletic and he always threatens to make me join sports teams, im a straight a student and got highest distinction last year and he doesn't care. anything i do isn't good enough
for him! im thinking about moving in with my dad because i can't stand to be in the same room with him. Sometimes when i am really mad i will like hit my leg really hard, and it bruises, i really dont want to start cutting or something. Whenever i say ANYTHING
he doesn't believe me, or just says he doesn't care. Evreytime i try to talk to him about AnYTHING it turns into a huge yelling fit. Im REALLY fed up and sure what to do! please help!
BlondeTwin commented on 08-Dec-2011 01:58 AM
I've been reading this now, trying to find a solution for my problem like this. I'm a 16 year old girl, and twin. My parents broke up on my 12th birthday, my dad had a new girlfriend and within a week we met her under the pretences of alone time with dad.
She had 2 kids, a 3yr old and a 6yr old. Since they broke up I have regularly had arguments with him, where he's screamed and yelled, I never used to fight because I hated it, but I started to, mainly because my twin and I were too scared to and mum didn't
know how. Dad's very controlling and shuts you down if you say something he doesn't like. One of our fights resulted in me not speaking to him for months and then I said sorry. Our latest fight was when he was screaming about Mum to us and Dad's partner was
there with her daughter going at us, and I fought back. She left to go get her son, and Dad and I continued. Eventually he got my name and age wrong and I told him that and he said who cares, "partners name" kids are far better than you will ever be and I
left. I was told I wasnt allowed to go, and I said Mum would come get me. My twin still visits and I changed my cellphone number after he kept harrassing me and turning up at my school. He got rid of my bed and clothes dumping them at our door all broken with
a nasty note. We haven't spoken for just over a year and I havent received Birthday or Christmas presents like my twin. Why does he do this? What am I meant to do? I know if I apologise it will happen again and again.
Anonymous commented on 11-Dec-2011 12:20 AM
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMEN? Are these so called "men" worth losing your kids because they will all HATE you and NEVER see you again once they grow up! Forget ever seeing your grandkids! These men are mentally abusing your children and you sit here and
say "I don't know what to do" LEAVE! Your children's well beings are at sake. I really hope these jerks are worth losing your kids.
Anonymous commented on 11-Dec-2011 11:44 AM
my mother married for all the wrong reasons...he pays the rent and other bills, and she wanted to be married before she turned 50 years old. ever since she did her kids don't come and visit her grand kids don't want to be around him and he doesn't make
an effort to even try and get know us. He's only with my mother for the sex and the fact that he don't want to be alone I don't understand why she wants to lose her kids over this guy why do you parents do that to us kids. And you guys say everything I do
is for you guys
Sticky Situation commented on 15-Dec-2011 03:49 AM
Ever since my brother moved in with my stepdad, mom, and I (everything was great at first) my stepdad has been a jerk, he has bi-polar moments where he flips out and acts all moody. He used to do whetting with us, but now he does nothing and he talks trash
about everyone in the household. He tells me who his favorite is out of my brother and I. His 25 year old son is messed up but his druggy daughter that was so horrible to my mom, he finds no imperfection. He says how my mom's shelf life is up. And calls her
fat and ugly, tells her she needs a job and should join the gym, but whenever she has the opportunity to do something for herself l, he won't let her. She needs the money for the bills, my mom used to be gorgeous and happy, but now she's depressed....he's
been making my lice suffer, he tells me I'm lazy and I won't graduate highschool (I'm only 12) and says I'll end up making bad choices. I never wanted this for myself...I don't want to ruin my life I wish I could live with my dad but my mom won't let me. This
other time the shower got cold so he comes running out in his towel and cussed and screams on the top of his lungs and says (excuse my language) "FUCKIN' RYAN!!!!! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYIN TO DO!!" he automatically blamed my brother for having a cold shower??
He was being awful. Then there's my brother who both physically and verbally abuses me. I just don't know what to do, I'm lost. Please help me!
Anonymous commented on 17-Dec-2011 02:44 AM
My variation of this scenario is a little different. I've been with my boyfriend 5 1/2 years. He's divorced with no kids and I'm divorced with 2 kids who are now 12 and 14. We've lived together for 2 1/2 years now. We've had a loving relationship and had
always gotten along well never really having anything to fight about except at first my ex, and now my 14 year old son. Our problems are not the way my boyfriend treats my son but how he treats me for not handling things the way he thinks I should. The arguments
about my ex are related to my ex being behind in child support. My boyfriend believes I should have him put in jail but I only see that causing problems with my kids when their dad tells them he's in jail because of me. And I certainly won't get any child
support if he's in jail and can't work which leaves only one reason to do it and that is to punish him which is not something I feel I need to do. (The ex says the arrears is mostly caused by the period when the child support was higher and business started
declining. Then he went thru a few bouts of unemployment and underemployment. I'm sure this is true to a degree, but having been married to him 16 years, I know a lot of his "difficulties" are self inflicted and he lies frequently. Regardless, I don't want
to put him in jail and this makes my boyfriend mad at me.) Before we moved in together we didn't really argue about my son but we did have discussions about his behavior. As it turns out my son has ADD so a few years ago he started taking medication. It helps
but it's not a cure all. He's naturally bright and is an A/B student but ends up with a C on almost every report card--not always the same class. But he does this with out having to do homework at home. His room is a constant mess. He doesn't pay close attention
to detail. He forgets to flush the toilet. He can be difficult, angry, blaming, self centered, impulsive, aggressive and verbally abusive. Some of his issues are due to the ADD, some are personality driven and some are just part of being a teenager. Over the
years the initial discussions with my boyfriend have evolved and based on things he's read, he believes my son may be bi-polar or have a mild case of autism. I have listened respectfully and considered but haven't had him tested per say because none of his
teachers or doctors or anyone else has ever brought up those concerns. It wasn't even suggested by the school to have him tested for ADD. That was something I did on my own. When we participate in my boyfriend's family functions he always stresses to me that
I have to keep a watchful eye and not let my son leave my sight because of what he might say or how he might act. He tells me EVERYONE that meets my son knows right away that he's off and that he gives people the creeps. In the past he's told me the only reason
he deals with it is because he loves me and my daughter. And he is really, really good to her. Does a lot for her and enjoys her. But the negativity about my son is hard to deal with. And it's stressful to feel forced to watch every move he makes to a point
it's almost not worth going places that require it. As I said before, we've pretty much only had conflicts because my boyfriend gets mad at me for not handling situations as he would. He thinks I should put my ex in jail and that I should discipline my son
with hard, swift punishment but he doesn't want to be the disciplinarian. I call my son out as needed, take away privileges, coach him and love him. Within the last month there have been two conflicts. A month ago when the kids were with their dad on the weekend,
he and I were having a nice weekend alone. Everything was fine. Then, he decided to go into my son's room and became upset at the mess and proceeded to put everything in garbage bags. He even had one in his truck that he was taking to dump that had clothes,
bedding and other stuff that I would have to go out and buy again. After he finished, he told me how mad he was and it was all my fault because I chose to have kids and had my son and I'm not doing a good job in making him a better person and he stayed mad
until the next day ruining what could have been a good w/e. He apologized the next day but told me that for all the good me and my daughter are it's not enough to compensate for my son. Emotions leveled out and I hoped he was just having a bad day. Last night
my daughter had a skate party after piano lessons. It was a mad dash and I ended up picking up something for my son's dinner. Everyone was home and I came in the house to give it to my son and he asked me if I got him a drink. I told him no. Then he asked
in a bit of an accusing tone if I got his sister a drink. I told him no that I didn't get her anything yet. That was it. I left and came home 2 hours later, went in the bedroom where the light and tv were on. As soon as I opened the door they were turned off.
I questioned if something was wrong and he said we'd talk about it the next day. I had no idea what had happened. I asked if we could talk about it now or if he could at least tell me why he was upset but he wouldn't. This morning he told me he was upset about
my son sassing me about getting him a drink and that I should have slapped him, taken the food and dumped it in the trash and told him to make his own dinner. He then told me that I had to start disciplining my son per his direction or that we would be through.
He kept himself too busy to talk all day and went to bed early giving me the cold shoulder when I tried talking to him. I feel he's setting me up to fail because the methods he wants me to use are not natural to me. Plus I don't react the same way he does,
like last night with the drink. I made an appointment with a counselor for Monday. I'm hoping he'll come with me so we can try to work through this. I really love him and I can't believe we've been together this long for it to come to this. And I'm hurt because
I've always considered him a dear friend. It's unreasonable that he's turned so much anger toward me for this. I can understand being mad at the situation but going out of his way to punish me?
Anonymous commented on 20-Dec-2011 05:20 PM
My mum met her boyfriend when I was 15 (I’m almost 20 now) and in the first six months he made a real effort: took my whole family out for a meal to celebrate my birthday, always asking me about school, telling me he wanted us to be a proper family along
with his two daughters who are younger than me. A family unit really appealed to me- my parents divorced when I was 3 and my dad died when I was 13, so I haven’t really had a father figure since he died. Then suddenly BOOM! Once he’d got his feet under the
table everything changed. Now he doesn’t speak to me unless I speak to him (very loudly in front of other people, so he has no option but to reply). He cares so little that he doesn’t even complain about me or insult me- aside from making snide comments about
how long it’s taking me to learn how to drive. Although they live apart, he’s always at my house so I can’t escape him. He’s always interrupting and never lets my mum and me have any quality time together, so I probably speak to her about twice a week. To
be honest, I feel like a cuckoo in his nest. Although I’m 19 and an adult, I still need my mum. I don’t have my father anymore, and we have very little family as it is. I’ve tried my best to get in his good books- offering to babysit his girls without charge,
cleaning his house, looking after his dog, asking him about his haulage business- but I get nothing in return. After 4 years, I’ve given up. I have a good job, plenty of friends, an amazing boyfriend and a brilliant grandmother who I wouldn’t be without for
anything- she’s been more of a mother to me through my teen years than my actual mum has! It sounds horrible, but in order for me to get through the day without feeling like a complete idiot for sucking up to someone who doesn’t care about me, I just ignore
him now. I don’t greet him, don’t look after his kids or his dog, don’t enquire in any way about his life. I’m still angry- because the fact that he’s still around (even though my mother has admitted she knows he hates me) 4 years on means my mother cares
more about him than she does about me. Although by now I should be used to being emotionally kicked in the teeth by my mother. Her previous partner had insecurity issues regarding my dad, so when he died we had to pretend he never existed. She listened to
me crying at night, trying to keep quiet so her boyfriend wouldn’t hear me and get mad. She left me to cry, preferring to keep the peace with her psychopathic boyfriend. As a result, the grieving process was delayed and I am still going through it now, almost
7 years on. About a year later, when I was 15, I found myself pregnant. It was unplanned- I was confused, scared, anxious… You name it, I felt it. My mother yelled, shouted and slapped me before eventually forcing me to the abortion clinic. I miscarried before
she could make me go through with it- I will never forgive her for the way she treated me during the most difficult time of my life. She abandoned me for her current boyfriend less than a year later, leaving me to go through my grief alone. I tried to kill
myself twice, and started self-harming. I’m on the waiting list for my fifth attempt at counseling. I know you ladies love your husbands even though they don’t get along with your children- but please make time for your kids. There’s nothing worse than feeling
abandoned by your parent- take it from someone who knows.
ashleyanne commented on 20-Dec-2011 09:54 PM
My situation was almost exactly the same as the first ladies comment except i was the daughter and i had no real dad to fall back on mine died when i was 2 months old...& my stepdad, he actually ended up divorcing my mom after they had my little sister...
once he was gone i felt like it was party time blew off school started into drugs etc... my mom had to work all the time so all i had was my friends and then i started running away, i still dont know why i turned into that person after they divorced i was
a very smart girl & still am :( well i ended up in juvenile detention then a placement home when i came back from all that i was around 16 then my mom started to do drugs when i was 17 and lost everything then i was really on my own... i am now 26 years old
and still havent found a place in the world i have been a drug free(<- thank god) prostitute/call girl ever since. sometimes i wonder if they stayed together if that kind of "dad" would have been better than no dad at all :( i now have issues so deep i think
they are irreversable i dont think i can ever live normally in society do you have any advice for me or any insite into maybe making a place for young girls to go when their families turn their backs on them? (besides juvenile) the police knew what was going
on too with my mom they would just come and say "you better get out of here, you got a place to go right?" i was scared to say no so i would say yes and leave and go do drugs with my "friends"
Laura Markham commented on 20-Dec-2011 10:07 PM
Dr. Laura here. I wish every parent in the world could read these posts, to understand just how important they are to their children and how huge an impact they have. Parents, please THINK before you get seriously involved with someone new. If there are
problems, PLEASE get the whole family into counseling. Don't wait. Do it. This time period is shaping who your child is becoming!
Laura Markham commented on 20-Dec-2011 10:11 PM
AshleyAnne- You are smart enough to know that even though you have been through hell, you don't have to let that define your future. In fact, why would you? Your mother didn't come through for you, I hear that. And I understand why you became a call girl,
given that you were on your own so young. But you are 26 years old and it's time to find another line of work. Really. No, I don't really know of a place for you to go, other than a battered women's shelter (which you should consider). But I do know that even
in this economy there are other jobs out there. I wish you had been my little girl so you could have gotten what you needed from your mom, but the luck of the draw is that you got what you got. You probably have some serious crying to do about that, and some
raging. And until you do, it's hard to get unstuck. But being angry at the police, and your mom and dad, and your stepdad, isn't going to help you. We never get to choose the hand we're dealt, but we ALWAYS choose what we do with that hand. You got a lousy
hand. But you can do more with it than you're doing. It's time you stepped up to be your own mom now, to take care of you, to believe in yourself. You deserve that. And you can do it! Please take a step in the right direction every day. Before you know it,
you'll be in a whole new place. We're all sending you hugs and cheering you on.
claire commented on 22-Dec-2011 08:35 AM
My partner and i have been together for 7 years and i have 3 children 14 10 and a 9 year old.He gets on really well with my 2 youngest but my oldest one is crying out for his attention all the time.My partner ignores him when he is talking to him never
stands up for him and certainly never praise him at home.my oldest one i can see it in his eyes he is hurting and it breaks my heart to see him like that. I have tried to talk to my partner about this but nothing changes. Please help i don't know what to do
from claire
Mamie commented on 26-Dec-2011 07:36 PM
My BF and I have been together for 4.5 years. I have two sons and the oldest who is 10 has ADHD. He has problems following thru on multi step directions and has problems with impulse control when he is not on his medication. Tonight was supposed to be
our "Christmas" night, since it is my boys first night back from their dad's house. BF came over for dinner which quickly disintigrated into a nightmare. I asked my son to come downstairs and when he did not do it immediately, my BF began yelling at him like
an Army sergeant, reducing him to tears....I asked my boyfriend to leave, which he did. My son felt awful and called him on the phone apologising and he kept saying "its all my fault..." My boyfriend only seized upon this opportunity to further fill him with
guilt...telling him "yeah, it is your fault" which angered me even more! I told my son that it was NOT his fault for BF flying off the handle like a rabid dog. He made a choice to yell instead to talk to you calmly. I told him he did NOT deserve to be yelled
at like that. Seeing everyone elses posts only affirms my belief that having a committed relationship is not possible until my kids have left the nest. My prior boyfriend also yelled at my kids and I broke up with him for that reason. No, I am not attracted
to abusers either, I am a psychologist so I know all about enabling, blah blah blah....There just seems to be a crappy pool of men to choose from when you are in your mid forties.... I can see that in my current situation, I have two choices - either leave
him or compartmentalize the relationships so he does not have interaction with my kids. My kids come first... I used to work in Forensic Psychology and ladies I can tell you with absolute CERTAINTY, that most sexually/physically/emotionally abused kids I saw,
were always abused by a BOYFRIEND. I believe that due to the lack of attachment that must occur early in the child's life, this is why this happens! You cannot make that attachment process happen....I am not saying that it is impossible for it occur, I am
saying that it is unlikely that it will occur due to various reasons. There are some really GOOD guys out there I am sure, but I think you have to look really hard and have to be VERY picky, even so, there are not guarantees in life.
SUMBL1SS commented on 28-Dec-2011 01:03 AM
IT IS REALLY SAD TO SEE POST AFTER POST AFTER POST, FOR ALMOST 3YEARS ABOUT THE SAME SITUATIONS. NO ONES READ THIS AND STOPPED IT SOONER? THERE ARE PLACES MOMS W/ KIDS CAN GO. MONEY OR NOT, IF YOU CAN REACH OUT ONLINE HERE, YOU CAN FIND HELP IN YOUR AREA.
I'VE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR A LITTLE OVER A YEAR. IM PREGNANT. HE TREATS MY 6YR OLD AN MYSELF HORRIBLE. IM NOT ADDING ANOTHER STORY; IM HOPING EVERYONE ENDS THEIRS BEFORE ADDING AS WELL. THIS PAGE WILL NOT HOLD ANSWERS. GET YOURSELF A COUNSELOR THAT HAS
INFO TO GET OUT TO A SHELTER!! A NEW YEAR IS DUE TO BEGIN, I CAN TELL YOU NOW I KNOW MY PARTNER WILL TREAT HIS OWN BETTER. I WONT STAND FOR IT. MY SON DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS SITUATION. ONCE MORE. WE'RE DONE. I HOPE ANYONE COMING DOWN THIS LOW WILL TAKE
ACTION! SEARCH FOR HELP. WOMAN SHELTERS IN YOUR AREA. COUNSELLORS WILL GET YOU MONEY TO BE ON YOUR OWN! THERES TOO MANY STORIES THAT DONT GET ON HERE; MOMS AND CHILDREN ARE DEAD FROM ABUSE, BY THEIR OWN HANDS, OR THE ABUSERS!!!!! WAKE UP!!
Anonymous commented on 04-Jan-2012 05:16 PM
Good Afternoon All, I am in the opposite situation and am looking for all the mothers who have written on this board for help. I have 7 children (2 with my x-wife and 5 with my current wife). I love them all dearly and my wife is not fond of my two children.
They live with their mother most of the year and she flies them out to see me for the holidays and the summer. I always feel like I am walking on egg shells hoping they don't do anything wrong as she is very critical of them. They are not perfect kids (18
- college and 16 High School) and make mistakes. The most recent is my daughter came back from college and she had Lice in her hair but did not treat properly and did not tell us till after a week in the home. Needless to say, the rest of the kids (Twins -
7, 6 , 3 and 18 months) did get it. While I lectured my 18 year old about responsibility and how irresponsible she was in her taking care of herself and not telling us my wife has not stopped about how she doesn't want to deal with her all loud enough for
her to hear. She also gets mad at me for being upset she saying this and I should think about our mutual kids first. I try to explain I love all my kids equally but she feels I should put "our" kids first as my oldest daughter is endangering the others. Am
I wrong in feeling the way I do? Should I basically "abandon" my daughter and not allow her back in our house ever? it feels this is what my wife wants but I try to explain to her I can't do that as a parent and it is really affecting our marriage. I know
what my daughter did was irresponsible but I think openly saying these things does hurt her but my wife doesn't seem to care. They help around the house, they take care of the little ones and love them very much and the feeling is mutual from the little ones
to the older ones. They get excited when they are there to visit and are sad when they leave. I know Lice are a pain and there is a lot of work involved in ridding them but does my oldest daughter really deserve this kind of treatment. I have offered to go
to counselling and she says she won't as it is my fault and my x-wifes for the way she is but I see my daughter getting depressed and unhappy and I am not sure what to do. All my children are beautiful and I love them very much but it hurts me to see my wife
act this way as I see what it does to my daughter. I am hoping someone here who is on the other side can help give me some insight or thoughts. Thank you for reading this.
Anonymous commented on 05-Jan-2012 09:34 PM
im in a situation with my husband and my son he is so mean to my son he tells him mean and nasty things to him he tells my son if he was to ever leave he can never come back to our home i dont like that feeling im not trying to baby my son but he is my
only son i adore my son and i want to always be available for when he needs im afraid to let go of him im afraid he will end up in some type of trouble but i feel my husband is jealous of him why I dont know it really hurts me he dont support my son in positive
things he tells him him he is f**K up and we argue about what he tells my son dont like this feeling and its only getting worse as each day goes by i dont know what to do!
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2012 12:04 AM
Hi, I'm a step dad and I've found all the comments above really interesting and good advice. When I married my wife I had the very best intentions for her and her (now 17yr) daughter. A nice home, good paying job to support them etc. But her daughter has
never really accepted me in the family despite my effort to be open and friendly to her. Over the last 4 years she has proven to be awful. She is anti social despite continual effort from us and others, speaks to her mother like she is a dog, sleeps all day
if able, didn't study and has since failed her senior from a lack of study, continual dishonesty, manipulative, she will not help out around the house or even offer ever, when asked to do something she first states she does not know how then does an awful
job of the task so she isn't asked again, has been given everything by mum in the past including her first car, quit her part time job because her boss didn't like her attitude, does not eat properly, refuses to help her pregnant mother (second time round
now), will not help anybody in the kitchen and states she will never be a kitchen bitch, the list goes on...... I understand there are some sh..ty step dads out there and I feel for those who have been treated badly. But there are really genuine step dads
out there who want the best for their family and get treated badly for their effort and huge hearts. Its sad to say but I have given up on my step daughter and honestly don't want her bad attitude on life to rub off on my other kids whatsoever. She believes
she has it so bad here but she is going to get one he'll of a shock out in the real world, especially when she learns that there are people out there who won't put up with her crap full stop. She is selfish, ignorant, arrogant and unsociable. Her mum also
believes this although it has made our married life difficult. However, my wife feels guilty for some reason with her, even though this girl has everything and has never missed out once in life. All I want is the best for her in life but because of the hurt
she has caused my and the manipulation she has ensued, I just don't care anymore, sorry.
Betty Dodson commented on 11-Jan-2012 12:22 AM
well my husband of 10 months is getting to where he shows signs of dislike toward my just turned 18 yearold daughter , she cares for him, but seems like eveything she does he is negetive about it. when her dad passed away in 2/09 she took it hard when
she turned 16 she droped out of public school to make a long story short, she just finished taking heR GED test today now he is saying she cant get into a good college , every time she sets goals he says something to bring her down he thinks he is helping
but is making it worse, and im in the middle protecting my daughter @ all cost, for the most he is good he gets her meds if she needs some her insurance expired at 18, he gripes when she wants gatorade says to much sugar he is the dibetic not her, he think
his two teenagers do no wrong well his 15 year old has been to juvey ,among a hospital for issues i could go on i need HELP!
SICKANDTIRED commented on 11-Jan-2012 01:06 AM
I HAVE BEEN WITH TONY FOR 12 YEARS, 9 MARRIED. JUST LIKE THE OTHER COMMENTS, HE SAID HE LOVED MY CHILDREN. AT THE TIME THEY WERE 2 AND 5. I LET HIM KNOW RIGHT OFF THE BAT THAT THEY WERE MY CHILDREN AND I EXPECTED HIM TO TREAT THEM GOOD AND HELP ME RAISE
THEM. MY EX-HUSBAND IS A GOOD FATHER TO THEM BUT HE SUFFERS FROM SEVERE DEPRESSION AND PTSTONY AND I HAD OUR 1ST CHILD 9 YEARS AGO AND THAT WAS WHEN HE CHANGED. HE LOVES OUR 2 CHILDREN WE HAVE TOGETHER AND TOTALLY IGNORES MY 2. THE ONLY TIME HE SAYS ANYTHING
TO THEM IS WHEN HE IS GETTING MAD AT THEM. HE IS CONSTANTLY SNEAKING AROUND LISTENING, WATCHING. HE TREATS OUR 2 SO GOOD THAT I KNOW IF I LEAVE HIM, IT WILL HURT THEM SO MUCH. MY EX WANTS TO KEEP OUR SON WITH HIM FULL TIME AND TONY IS ALWAYS MAKING COMMENTS
TO ME TRYING TO PERSUADE ME INTO LETTING MY EX HAVE HIM. MY OLDEST IS 16 AND SHE IS A STRIGHT A STUDENT. MY SON IS A LOVING BOY WHO HAS ADHD AND SOMETIMES DOES NOT DO AS HE IS TOLD. I HAVE BEEN STRESSED OUT FOR GOING ON 9 YEARS NO. I HAVE BEEN COUNTING ON
TONY TO RELIZE HE IS THE ADULT AND SHOULD BE THE ONE TO INITIATE A POSITVE RELATIONSHIP. HE IS HARD WORKING, COOKS, CLEAN, SPENDS A LOT OF TIME WITH HIS CHILDREN AND GOES TO CHURCH ALL THE TIME. I HAVE EVEN WENT TO OUR PASTER ABOUT MY CONCERNS. TONY DOES GOOD
FOR A LITTLE WHILE BUT THEN FALLS BACK INTO HIS SAME ROUTINE. I AM GOING AWAY FOR TRIANING FOR 6 WEEKS AND MY PLAN IS TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO. MY 2 WILL STAY WITH THEIR DAD. I AM PRAYING THAT WHILE I AM GONE, HE WILL DO SOME SOUL SEARCHING AND DECIDE HE NEEDS
TO STEP UP AND DO THE RIGHT THING. HE HAS CHANGED ALOT FOR THE BETTER SINCE WE 1ST GOR TOGETHER AND THIS IS THE ONLY FLAW HE HAS. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT OUR ABSENCE WILL OPEN HIS EYES, BUT I AM AFRAID I WILL BE LET DOWN. I CAN ADMIT THAT EARLY ON IN OUR OLDEST
CHILD'S YEARS, AT TIMES I WOULD RESENT HER BECAUSE OF HIM. MY 2 OLDEST LOVE THEIR SIBLINGS BUT I CAN SEE THAT THEY RESENT THEM TOO. IF I AM DISAPPOINTED, IT WILL MEAN THAT I WILL HAVE TO QUIT MY JOB OF 11 YEARS JUST TO DRAW OUT MY RETIREMENT TO GET MY OWN
PLACE. BUT JUST AS SOME OF THE CHILDREN HAVE POSTED HERE, I DON'T THINK I COULD LIVE WITH MYSELF IF MY CHILDREN EVER BLAMED ME FOR KEEPING THEM IN THIS ENVIRONMENT AND THEY ARE AFFECTED FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. THESE COMMENTS HAVE REALLY HELPED ME RELIZE
AND ACCEPT THE DIRECTION I WILL TAKE.
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2012 02:17 PM
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Anonymous commented on 16-Jan-2012 05:12 PM
I'm a step dad that's having an experience with my 10year old step son that's not good. I have a step son that's use to having his own way. He has very bad habits and don't listen to correction. His mother looks at my concerns as me hating him. Simple
concerns of mine are knocking on the bedroom door before entering, that seems like a little respect but his mother don't see it that way. His drinking from the containers in the fridge that others drink from is unhealthy especially for our 2 year old. He continues
to do that as he got a drink for our 2 year old, but placed his mouth on it to dink it before giving it to him, and of course his mother defended that action. He has no respect and manners for anyone. I believe that this 10 year old wants to hold on to the
position of being the man of the house and without the mother's influence nothing changes and then she wonders why we can't get along. Kids these days seem to have way more leeway as decision makers in the family thereby running their parent’s life. This bad
relationship between me and this ten year old boy has severely strained the relationship between me and his mother. The boy's behavior has largely been because of his mother so I don't fault him. I'm not an authoritarian but I don't like disobedient kids either.
Michelle commented on 19-Jan-2012 10:07 AM
I'm In the same situation. I been a single mom for almost 4 years. I have three kids 10,11 and 14. I met a man 10 months ago and he has three kids aged 4,6 and 10. Everything was fine he'd come to mine be good with the kids but then we moved in together
and he resents my children. My children are normal kids have squabbles stay up late weekends get out of bed late. He thinks it's not right and they should be made to get up etc. We argue constantly cause I won't let him discipline mine I think he's too strict
and protective of his own his 10 year can't go upstairs on her own etc he shouts at her if his four year old gets hurt. He hated my son won't talk to him cause he gets to excited and wild but he winds him up. My son who's 10 knows this so hates him now. My
kids and I were so happy before I feel I've brought this man in and it's hurting them. We had such a good family life. One instance we went shopping my son put cereal in he took it out and hid it cause he never asked yet I've never had a problem with my kids
adding things to the shopping so my son would assume it's ok. I got the cereal and put it back. Another problem we have is he has his kids when he wants them, mine don't see their dad so I get no me time, this week we have had them three times and they are
staying tomorrow. The problem is there is not enough room and my 14 year old daughter let's the little ones share with her but it's her and her sisters bedroom they don't want them staying each week it's their space. He says it's house too so they can. My
arguement Is it's my kids home his have a home and are guests in our house and I need my time in my home too so I feel everyother week to stay is good. Any comments much appreciated cause I love him but love my kids more and want our happy home back. I also
think his kids should have set days too see him structure for them. U see at the ment his 10 year old wants to see him all the time cause my kids have him all the time so when he can he has them sometimes till 9 at night during the week I just feel my kids
and I can't relax in our home and chill in our living room.
Nadia commented on 19-Jan-2012 04:13 PM
I had a stepdad. He has been the most amazing man in my life. My mum was never with my dad soon after I was born, so it was just me and her. And he came into our lives when I was about 7, and he has told me several times that he adored me so much that
he didn't want to leave us - so he married my mum. I have two children of my own now, I was with their dad for 10 years, but I divorced him last year because he wasn't very nice to me or to them sometimes. I had the egg shell situation, and he cheated several
times and was stingy with the money he was supposed to be so stressed working for, so. It was a very very hard decision: it took several years, and even I filed the divorce in 2009, and he begged and cried and I took him back, that happened a couple of times.
But not it's done, it's done. And it's the best decision I ever made, because I can spend my time and energy loving my children, not trying to counter his neglectful behavior. It's important that the adults (particularly parents) in a child's life are good
to them. It's very important otherwise the child will grow up lacking - emotionally, mentally - some of these posts say their child is depressed, I mean, come on - it's not worth it. There is no reason to put up with a man who treats you or your children (especially
your children) like shit. There are ways to discipline children without shouting, talking down to them or being abusive, plenty of ways. If these step fathers don't know how to do it, they can buy a book, or if no money check one out from the library. No one
wants to be hated, especially by a person who is supposed to be a parent.
Anonymous commented on 22-Jan-2012 04:56 AM
OMG, what the HELL is wrong with these "fathers" these days! My husband treats my oldest like shit even though she is amazing and my youngest like she does no wrong, she is amazing too, except the fact that she can talk to me however she pleases. I don't
know if its these "fathers" mothers to blame for doing a crap job of raising them, or that they had a veal father or maybe no mother or no father. The point either way is they are grown now, how dare they treat an innocent child that way! I know there are
a few women that do this, but I could not imagine treating any child that way weither she was my bio child or not. I think government.should make it mandatory that in school, and before you get married, whenever we should have to take some kind of parental
training. You have to have a license to hunt, drive, fish but raising a child is the most important job there is! Even when you give birth its usually like here's the baby, you get basic don't kill them by doing this advise, but never this is how you raise
them right and live them and that, unfortunately IS killing a lot of our children. I would of left along time ago but is be unable to provide because I'm ill and get SSI at $600. A month that won't even get you an apartment unless you can get in to the government
assisted then you have rats and drug dealers and crime. You have to think yes this situation us bad because he wants to act like an ass, but what life do my kids have they have no food, good shelter, in a housing unit with drugs and every crime you can imagine.
Moms are stuck and they n the kids suffer!
Anonymous commented on 22-Jan-2012 09:24 AM
Hi my mom is a nurse and alot of days she comes and tells my stepdad what stepdads r doing 2 there children but my stepdad can be harsh but hes great its been 5 years though and we still u no act like famliys do (hug,i <3 u stuff like that) but hes still
great
Suzanne commented on 23-Jan-2012 04:03 AM
I could write a novel on the damage my Mother allowed my step father to do to me from the age of 9 to 51. My Father died when I was 11 and life went down hill even further there after. I have been in therapy on and off for years and am a recovering alcoholic,
now I am back at home taking care of my Mothers estate after her death from cancer, she died in my arms. My step Father is worse than ever mean as a snake and taking all he can out on me as well and stating he will not share any of what they owned together
with my brother or me. He is leaving it all to charity he says he wants to burn all the money than to give any to us which how it always was, even though my Mother earned her own money as a school teacher. I humor him but doing so is continuous heart break.
The life long wounding he has caused me will take another life time to heal if ever. My life was wreaked because my Mother turned her back on what my step father felt was his right to do to me and put me through, which one therapist said was the worst story
he had heard in his 30 years of practice. I can only imagine what kind of person I might have been how life could have been so different for me if I had not been forced to endure his torture for years and still even now. Please put your children first no man
should ever come before your beautiful children's happiness, and trust in what life is JOY, not misery. Please this is their one life and for me there is no healing the wounds and scars. Make sure too that your will and estate is in place if you want your
children to have what is yours because what is his and yours will never never never be theirs. Thank You for listening Suzanne
overwhelmed commented on 23-Jan-2012 04:56 PM
hello, i do also have problems with my husband in how he treats my son. At times he acts like he cares and buys him like psp go, nintendo ds or toys, but the majority of the time he's always complaining in how my son is so LAZY, FAT.. that hes tired of
me and my son because i'm always giving him the contrary when he complains about my son and i just feel so overwhelemed of the whole situation. I see that my son suffers and tries he's best to be on my husbands good side! At times he is on his butt in the
sofa watching tv and asking me to tell my son to go cut the yard, pick up the trash and just gives me a list of chores for my son to do which i can understand but how he figures that he has the right to boss around and why cant he get up and go HELP! at times
my son says "he wants me to do here and there but he's the lazy person!"..i really do want to scream out to him his faults but then again my son does slack off and doesnt like to have responsibilites and yet he wants the best in electronics and toys ect. what
should i do!!!!
Olivia.F commented on 23-Jan-2012 08:33 PM
Wow these are all really sad, basically the same situation as me! I'm 15 and I live with my Mum, brother, 2 half siblings and stepdad. Mum always had relationship troubles, she had me when she was 19 and still lived at home, so she would leave me with
her mum while she went to get a nursing degree to support us. I've always had a close relationship with my Nana, Grandad and aunty because I lived with them until I was 5. My mum got into a relationship with a guy when I was about 6 months old (I think of
him as my proper dad, I still see him in the weekends with my brother, and he's really nice now), but after my mum had a child with him he became abusive and she left him when I was 8. We had to go ive with my Nana again incase he came back to our house. Mum
had a relationship with another guy when I was 10 or 11? She's still with him now, and I hate him. I have recently been living with my Nana because Mum and her partner and my 2 brothers moved far from where we were previously living and I didn't want to change
schools. But now I've moved to live with my Mum again, because I couldn't agree with my Nana and we kept fighting, my aunty said she's always been strong minded and if you didn't agree with her, you just wouldn't get along. So in the summer holidays my Nana
and Grandad paid for me to have my room renovated, they spent quite a bit of money on it because they are very well off and I think this is why my stepdad is always picking on me. He's always picking on me and my brother (my stepdad had 2 children with my
mum, a boy and a girl)I think it's because we aren't his children, I don't care about that because I'm bloody glad I'm not. But he treats his children way better than he treats me and my brother, we always have to do chores and get told off for everything.
He's always telling me how lazy I am and how i should make some friends (all my friends don't live very close now I've moved). Today he told me to get a hobby because I never do anything, that really upset me because he's the one who does nothing, he sits
on the computer all day doing nothing, he doesn't have a job. My mums family don't like him much, especially when I told my Nana that he said to me that the only reason she buys me lots of things and did my room up is because I don't have a Dad, which is true,
I don't know my own dad, but that's fine by me. He hits my brother aswell, and I don't know what to do, I really hate my stepdad :( Sorry this is really long :)
Anonymous commented on 23-Jan-2012 11:00 PM
I'm reading these posts and this is all I have to say! Ladies, your husband, the stepfather of your children is the adult! You ask what you should do tell him to grow up or get out! Your child/children are the child they need supportive positive reinforcement
in their lives and if the stepfather can't give them that then send him packing and kick him to the curb. Come on a child vs an adult it isn't a hard decision to make. Your child is your #1 responsibilty it is a child. Your husband is an adult he is old enough
to take care of himself and should know that every child deserves to be treated with love and respect. So for all you mothers that I keep reading about that say they are in a tough situation sure it's tough but the decision should be easy your child is #1
as simple as that! Send the stepdad packing if he doesn't show your child the love, respect and support he/she/them deserve!
BrokenMom commented on 26-Jan-2012 09:18 AM
I have two boys. One of which is ADHD the other is turning 13. My 13 yr old does not get along with my husband at all. My husband will upset my son and it gets really ugly. My son will sometimes call my husband names,such as ( jerk or say that is stupid)
I am in the middle of a constant battle and feel like my marriage is ending because of this. My husband will ignore the kids on purpose. If my 13yr old ask " will you please turn the radio", my husband will say " NO". I don't understand why he can't meet in
the middle. He did this just the other day. We were 5 minutes away from dropping my boys off at their dads. I couldn't understand why he couldn't say ok, and let him listen to his favorite station for that 5 minutes. Anyways, I see the anger and hate growing
inside my sons towards my husband, so I confronted my husband and ask him to please try an new approach with the boys. I ask him to try and be their friend. Try to show more love and respect. I told him this is the time in their lives when we as adults teach
them respect, so we have to show them respect. He refuses to do this. He will get mad at them for not listening and do what I call the "Ninja" discipline. He takes sneaks into their room takes things away without telling them. They walk in only to find the
xbox gone, their cell phone gone, etc. This causes more upset than if he would just say. You are in trouble no xbox until. BLAH.. BUT NO he refuses to see my point and said he is doing it his way and there nothing wrong with this. I told him these are my boys
and as his wife please respect me enough to meet me in the middle on how I would lieke to parent my boys. I want them to love and respect my huband. I told my husband this. The way he is going about things they are growing to hate him. What do I do? Am I wrong
for asking him to try a new approach?
Anonymous commented on 31-Jan-2012 03:59 PM
I am going through the same exact thing as I'm typing this, I recently got married and under a year later my husband which we been together 5 years wants a divorce he say he can't accept my son who is 7 now, I appreciate his honesty but I do wish he was
honest with himself before he married me we loves me but just me and my son is just a not included, I thought he would see different but he said that the way he feels and realize that he needs to seek help on his own with us in his life. I know there is no
choice my son is blood,
Anonymous commented on 04-Feb-2012 01:08 AM
I am so terrified reading all of these. I feel so hopeless. I came an alcoholic marraige and fell in love with a man a dated a long time ago and I believed he was my "prince". He never had children and now he was coming into a "not so functional disfunctional
mess:. I tried to warn him. No, everything I feared is soming true, Now, duroing times when my children are with their Dad, My husband goes off on crazy rages toward me over cups be left on a country, or clothes on the floor and he we will drink and get worse
and there is no talking to him. He thinks you are saying things against him when yuo try to comfort him or calm him down. I don't get it. I don't get how a grown man can have so much exopectations from children and I especially don't understand all the horrible
nasty names he will call them. He sees me devasted as soon as it starts and it does nnot amtter to him. WHat matters is that he can easily see how other peoples behavoir affects him but cannot amnage to get a glimpse at what his behavoir is doing to others
and to our marraige. He knows when he makes them out to be horrible he is throwing daggers at me. My boys are 9 and 14, they have never got into one ounce of trouble at school, they have friends, all of the people that have met them care about them and love
them, they are just a bit of a slob and no matter what I do to help them get it together it is never enought for him. My world is falling apart and I can't do anything to change it, I just pray every day before I walk through the door that today I can stay
with a smile. I am so lost. I donlt understand that if it is si miserable why he wouldn't just leave us. Why does he get such satisfaction over pounding on me about this to the point I want to jump off a bridge. I have my children to take care of and to love
and I cab't be pushed into a depression and I am getting so scared, am so lost
Anonymous commented on 04-Feb-2012 06:22 PM
This is a question not a statement... In years gone by when men wore the trousers and women did what was expected of them, the discipline was left to the dad figure. Things have changed now and women and men are treated more like equals, but it occurred
to me that when women end up with their children after a break up they dont maintain this discipline which, in my humble opinion is a necessary evil (tough love), and then an attitude often develops within the kids because they are used to getting what they
want when they want it. Furthermore kids are capable of working out ways in which to get what they want too. In my experience mothers cant see this but as a third party looking in its obvious. Should these mothers step up to the discipline mark or leave it
to the new father figure???? Just a question BTW. Thoughts :)
Natalia commented on 04-Feb-2012 10:04 PM
Hi, I have just read this thread and can't believe what some of you have put up with. I have two children from a previous relationship and another child with my partner of 12yrs. My older children are 19yrs and 14yrs and yeh it was hard for my partner
to ajust to being in a family likewise my children being use to having a new man around, theres been arguments and ups and downs, but as children my partner would have never put them down to an extent it would harm them, the usual tellings off etc if he ever
step over the line I would be all over of him in defence of MY CHILDREN, THIS IS THE POINT< MY CHILDREN, who I loved un-conditionally. I didn't expect my partner to have this with them so he would re-act differently if they were out of line, not forgive them
as quick as me, sulk sometimes, sometimes he was like a big kid himself. When his son was born he had the bond that he never had with my first two, however he has tried to support them and guide them the best he could. I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY SOME MOTHERS HAVE
ALLOWED THESE NEW PARTNERS EVEN IF THEY HAVE MORE KIDS TO THEM TO HURT OR UPSET YOUR CHILDREN. ITS WRONG!!!!!THESE MEN ARE NOTHING BUT BULLIES!!!!!PLEASE DONT ALLOW THEM TO PUT YOUR KIDS DOWN>>>>>>BELIEVE ME IF MY PARTNER WOULD HAVE DONE THIS HE WOULD HAVE
BEEN KICKED OUT THE DOOR>>>>>>YOUR KIDS ARE YOUR BLOOD>>>>THEY GREW INSIDE YOU< YOU GIVE THEM LIFE>>>>>>DON'T LET SOME BULLY OF A MAN ABUSE THEM>>>>>STAND UP< you and your kids will be better off without them:)))))))
Anonymous commented on 06-Feb-2012 12:20 AM
My mother divorced my father because he's an aclcoholic and she got remarried about 4 years ago . I've never been fond of my stepfather but I've put up with him for my mom. Ive just turned 18 and he has a daughter about two in a half years younger than
me and she is a spoiled brat and her mother has basically trained her not to respect her father . She recently moved with her mother to another state . He would always ask her what she wanted to do and never include my younger brother and i in deciding . He
also speaks of my father win a negative way , always has unnecessary condesinding remarks and never gives us time with our mother . It seems like my stepfather just try's to snoop around to get me in trouble with my mom so I will be out of his way . He has
changed my mother a lot she has become more stressed about every little thing . Alltogether she has become more like him . When I explain him to people he is an anal contro/neatl freak and will harrass you about the smallest things .(he turns the mole hill
into Mt.Everest). He's one of those people that if it's his stuff on the counter it's fine but if it's some one else's it is a mess . There is a lot more to it than that but that is why I have recently moved in with my father . My mom has even said if she
did it all again she would have waited till my brother and I were both in college .
Anonymous commented on 06-Feb-2012 01:42 PM
When I married my second husband, I had a 6 yr old little girl and a 5 yr old little boy. I noticed as the kids got older, maybe 10 & 11 that he would make not so nice comments about them. One day when my son was about 14, my husband got into it with him
over something so stupid but he was going to show MY son who was the BOSS! It got a little physical, no hitting but they were bumping chests, it was kind of funny to watch but anyway...after everything happened, I spoke to both of them separately as to not
look like I'm siding with either in front of each other. The one thing that I told my husband was: Do not make me choose between them and you. The choice was already made the day they were born. Well, lets just say that he completely changed his attitude after
that. I love my children with all of my heart and I love my husband very much. When he married me I came as a package deal, not just me but 2 more included, accept it, if not then dont ask me to marry you. As far as my son goes, I told him that he will always
show his father respect, there will be no hitting permitted in my house, ever. He also changed his attitude. (The reason I say father and not step-father, is because my children's father passed when they were 1 and 2, my current husband has been their father
figure ever since then, they have called him and viewed him as their dad for as long as they can remember.)
Anonymous commented on 06-Feb-2012 11:54 PM
I'm reading this last post from the girl on 6 feb 12 1220 am and I feel like it could be my daughter posting. I too feel that my husband shows so much favoritism to my step kids and includes and asks them first what they want to eat or do (just whatever).
He is so hard on my youngest son and it breaks my heart. My youngest is just a sweet little boy who loves life and I feel like he is changing into an unhappy kid. My daughter on the other hand, my husband is pretty nice to her because she is good at basketball
and makes him look good. Your comment about your mother changing and becoming more stressed is me to a "t". We lived with him 5 years ago and moved out and stayed married because I couldn't take it. We just moved out before school started and I'm ready to
move out again. And I will, I'm not messing around. I love my kids more than I will ever love him. I want to see my grandkids and spend time with all my children for the rest of their live and after reading all these posts, I know what I need to do. I know
all you ladies do as well.
Anonymous commented on 07-Feb-2012 08:45 PM
My step father is the same way. 8 years... 8 freaking years and he's never said ANYTHING nice to me. He's an alcoholic. He has not had a job in 4 years and he's mentally abusive and now no matter how hard I try, I have no way of getting my mother to kick
him out. I cannot move out because I'm autistic and have no job, and my social security checks are the only thing paying the bills. Please, mothers with husbands like these, I beg you to divorce them immediately. Treat these infections immediately before they
become amputated limbs. Don't destroy your children's lives because what your husbands are doing to your children IS abuse! The reason you let it happen is because it's not manifesting itself in bruises and scars. You'd leave your husband in a heartbeat if
he was hitting your children, but what he's doing is damning them to raise their children ineffectively, suffer in school and become emotionally unstable. If you are smart and care about your children, isn't obvious that they're more important than the emotionally
abusive prick you married?
Helen commented on 08-Feb-2012 02:32 AM
I cannot believe reading all these posting that there are so many people out there in the same situation as me. My husband also hates my daughter who is 20 now, he screams and shouts and says the most digusting things to her that totally distroys her.
She has her problems but this is no way to speak to a child. She was head girl in both primary and high school and did very well at school, plays sport Nationally - but he continues to destroy her, where his daughter whom is 2 years younger can do nothing
wrong and don't anyone dare to say a word against her, Once he went so far as throwing a knife at her which thank goodness missed and cut his hand open. To top it all I had breast cancer 3 years ago and went through a horrible time had to have both removed
when I go to the doctor now he says I go because i enjoy taking my clothes off for other men. I know I have to get out for my childs sake and mine but wish I knew how - I do not know who I am anymore and I can only imagine what my child is going through.
Anonymous commented on 09-Feb-2012 01:36 AM
I was surprised when I found this site that this happens so much. I have been in a relationship for 5 years. It was great to have him around especially for my two kids who are now 8 and 15. But as time passed, he became very critical of my kids and began
to question my parenting style. He always has a reason why the children do what they do by saying they are lazy, not smart enough, etc. I have talked to him about this and the comments have lessened but not stopped and I feel like I am always on pins and needles
to keep the peace. I don't even like using the restroom or showering because usually when i come out, something has happened. My kids do like my boyfriend and my daughter calls him daddy but at times they seem so hurt by him. My children do not have contact
with their own father and I am torn at what to do because he is like a father figure to my kids. I pay 90% of everything and will not suffer if I ask him to leave but I also feel bad that it will leave him without home and car. I miss the peace and positiveness
and would like to relax sometime and not feel criticized about how I raise my kids.
war of the worlds commented on 09-Feb-2012 08:45 PM
I am stunned at the volume of people w/ the same problem that I have had for the last 2 years. I have a man friend that lavishes me with time, attention and humor and then turns around and acts as miserable as possible to my almost grown sons. As a single
mom I have always worked 2 jobs and my kids have always done their best and been given responsibility accordingly. Two summers ago I lost my full time job, my oldest son had a mental meltdown 2 semesters away from walking out of cwru w/ 2 bs degrees and attempted
suicide. I am struggling financially and have no family to use as a safety net. My man friend will help when I need it but the "interest" on his loans seems to be verbal abuse to my kids. I do not like it and attempt to keep my 2 worlds separate, but deep
down I know he has to go as my kids (and grandkids down the road ) are everything to me. Why is there such an epidemic of nasty men in society now?
Mike commented on 10-Feb-2012 01:40 PM
Einstein dropped out of school. Myself I sucked in school. These days I write computer programs and code circles around anyone I've seen in 20+ years. Point is, a grade is not an indication of how well you are at stuff or what you would be good at. Just
something to keep in mind for people that feel they have to equate their kids' grades with their success rate.
Diana commented on 10-Feb-2012 10:46 PM
Hi, Take it from a girl who had grown up from the age of 11-18 with an evil step-fascist, we need our biological parent to stand up for us! My mom hardly ever stood up for me, and watched as he yelled at me, made me clean up his vomit, weigh myself in
front of him and call me obese (at 120 lbs), make racist comments toward me, etc. If you moms know that your husband hates your children, you have to do something about it. How can you be with someone who hates your child and treats them that way? Your child
should be the most important thing to you. When you become a single parent, you give up the right to a normal social life. Your child should always come first. Trust me, it really sucks to grow up knowing that you don't come first to your parent. Not only
will they end up leaving the house like I did at 17 and not speak to the step-parent, but they will end up resenting you too. If you love your children, put them first. They don't need to grow up feeling like you've always chosen him over them.
Crystal commented on 12-Feb-2012 10:45 PM
Oh my god all you women need to watch The movie " bastard out of carolina" To even contemplate whether you should Leave or not, is pathetic. Your suppose To be protecting ur kids, not making them Pay the price just cuz u can't afford or dont Want to be
alone. If ur struggling but ur kids Are happy is worth it. Men who have Partners with children will never truly love Ur kids the way you do. But at least find some One who isn't gonna abuse them in any way Shape or form. Ur first priority is ur children Not
yourself, Get a backbone! There's lots of resources Out there. Good luck
Cheryl commented on 16-Feb-2012 12:07 PM
I have been married for 17 years (second marriage). My first husband committed sucide when my youngest was 5. I have 4 children who are all adults now. But my husband has said many times that he does not like my children and this has caused so many conflicts.
You see I was abused by my first husband for 18 years and my children saw every bit of that physical and emotional abuse. When I married the second time I really thought that this man would fill a void for my children, but that never happened. He only wanted
to disipline then but never praise them. I tried for years to help him to understand what their lives were like and that they need some love and praise. My husband doesn't have a good relationship with his own boys so now I know he will never have one with
mine. In fact he has closed himself off from them. At one point he almost got me to close myself off too as they have been in trouble with drugs, alcohol, etc.. I love my children and canh't do this any longer. He is so negative and it is only getting worse...I
have spent my life being a positive person trying so hard to stay away from negative people and the hard part is,,,I live with the most negative person. My daughter has stated many times that she can see the hurt in me...just can't do this anymore.
Anonymous commented on 16-Feb-2012 01:37 PM
I am sure there are lots of step-Monsters out there. But, to be fair, there are thousands (millions?) of us that devote hours of loving effort to build the best lives possible for our children. I call them my children because in my heart, that is what
they are. I am the only Father they have ever known. Regardless, my youngest (17) refuses to speak to me and his brother (18) bluntly proclaims that he intends to live at home forever. Their Mother gives them everything they want even though they treat her
badly. My 2 sons both have flat screen televisions with cable in their bedrooms, hi-tech cell phones, multiple video games, both have their own cars, and more than 5 pairs of expensive sneakers each. The list of benefits goes on and on. But, they speak to
my Wife like she is their servant and swear in front of her. I have never struck my Sons, never used profanity in front of them and never lose my temper; instead, I try to politely instruct them about "respecting" their Mother and their elders. They respond,
"Why should we? We get whatever we want no matter what we do." So, just to be fair and open about this entire discussion, sometimes it is the step-children being manipulative and downright evil. I personally witnessed years of mental abuse from my own Brother
directed at my Mother over her divorce from my Father. My brother used to tell her, "If you were more attractive, Dad would never have cheated and I wouldn't have to be a child in a broken home!" He went on to lie about my step-Father for years and tried to
undermine their marriage. Thankfully, my step-Father was a saint and kept his cool and stuk it out. He has remained with my Mother for over 30 years now. In my own situation, I have been with my wife for 9 years now; the only Father my 2 sons have ever known.
Still, they plainly announce that they will never be getting jobs, that they will not go to college (always hated school and barely graduated despite tutors, counseling, etc), and they just have the general attitude of "entitlement" to cell phones, cable TV,
cars, insurance, etc. Here is an example. Last week, my wife bought steaks to grill. My sons refused to eat them because they were not Filet Mignon. So, they manipulated her into ordering them a pizza instead. In the face of this disgraceful behavior, I openly
try to to counsel my Sons, discuss this abhorrent behavior with my wife (and all of our parents for advice) -- but all for naught. Dishes in the sink and dirty laundry are so far down the list, they are a distant memory. Instead, broken glassware, slammed
doors, holes in drywall and smoking in the house (despite both of us being non-smokers) are our nightmare. Our sons plainly state, "You can't make me stop", "I'll do whatever I want", "You can't make me go to counseling", "Shut Up and go bother someone else".
As I said above, we have always maintained an open household with no profanity, no beating of children, fair discipline and rewards based on performance/behavior. Despite what I feel is a model household of parenting, the kids decided for themselves [after
highschool was done], that they just had earned time to ignore us and stay at home doing NOTHING. No jobs. No chores. They feel as if graduating highschool entitles them to freeload for a few years and treat both my wife and I like garbage. My Sons now respond
to my attempts at counseling with, "Shut up. You aren't even our real Dad so we don't have to listen to you." After nearly 10 years of devoting myself selflessly to their well-being (baseball, football, tutoring, cooking meals for them, their freinds and dates
for Prom, and so on)...it all evaporated into the past. In closing, I acknowledge that step-parents are often a source of pain. But as I stated early on, sometimes, it is the children and this modern age of the "entitlement generation" that is the source of
problems.
Going Crazy commented on 19-Feb-2012 03:31 PM
Im goin through a situation with my 4 yr old daughter and my partner. Iv been I single mom since forever and yes it is hard for me to stay strong through punishments and things like that. My daughter can be direspectful at times for example she will ignore
my partner when she asks her a question and my partner gets very furious. One thing is that my partner has a very short fuse and when my daughter does something out of line my partner flips. I understand but at the same I feel my partner should have a little
more patience. She (my partner) gets upset due to my daughter ignoring, laughing in her face, and many more factors and I get upset too but I dont know how to make my daughter have more respect. My partner is to the point where she doesnt want to spend time
with my daughter, she doesnt acknowledge a lot of her accomplishments, sometimes I just feel she doesnt want to be around her because she says my daughter doesnt like her. I feel stuck in the middle of the both of them all the time! Im just really tired and
I NEED HELP!
mylifesucks commented on 20-Feb-2012 01:26 AM
it's. crazy to hear all the stories about bad step dad's. I have the same prob. PLEASE HELP. I have been living with my stepdad for 4 years and he must not like me. all I can say is that I HATE, him. it always a fight with him. I try to be nice but I can't.
I am trying to become famous but every time I try to write a song or two. I cry. I want to dye my hair and become all Goth. I'm 13 years old and want life to be normal again. I want everything to be how it used to b e. I want attention. I want to break my
leg (litteraly)! what can I do!!!!
Birdie commented on 21-Feb-2012 12:19 PM
Wow. So many comments. I will read through them and I'm sure a lot of them will be helpful. I'm being put in front of a very tough choice, my new husband or my 16-year old son. He doesn't want him in his life anymore - my son hates him, and because I am
not taking a real position (piggy in the middle), he hates me too. He went to live with my ex - who hates my new husband (too many reasons) and me to some point, so my son gets all that info poured into him too... I am trying to get some better relationships
going - suggested family counseling, but neither of them are interested - so my husband is threatening to leave - and as much as I love him, I am not cutting my son out of my life. I have lived on my own before, and I am sure I can again. It's weighing very
heavily and I wish there was a way round it.
Raising Awareness commented on 22-Feb-2012 09:52 PM
All i can say to you mothers is watch out. Those are early signs of abuse. Look up child abuse on Youtube.. I saw a video of the perfect family. Mom, baby and stepdad. He talked bad about the 12yr old girl and it escalated. Started with bad mouthing and
harsh words just like you alls situation. Then he started snatching on arms. Next was such a horrifying story he physically beat the little girl. Went from a simple pop to brutally beating the child. This resulted in her death.... Don't say he's not like that
he's been around for to long. That's what the mother of a 3month old baby said and the stepdad was cool and everything. Well long story short. The baby was beaten to death. The list goes on. 3week old baby girl, 2 month old baby boy, 2 year old baby girl and
4 day old baby girl all resting in piece in result of a story similar to you alls. I'm just saying THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!
garim bolax commented on 26-Feb-2012 08:11 AM
My boyfriend treats me very coldly day like he never love me, I chose to talk to him about our issues but he don’t seemed to be interested and bothered with what’s going on, he stopped giving into our relationship and kept picking on me. He keeps drinking
almost every night. Not wanting to let me know where he is and who he is with. i seek for help and dr bunt help me out he is always by my side now and he confess he love me thank the wintchcraftspell@yahoo.com for me
Believe in yourself commented on 26-Feb-2012 08:40 AM
It's not hard to see how we end up in this position ladies. I say ladies, as The post is mainly from the perspective of women / with biological children married or living in a second relationship, however the situation could be reversed as well. As I was
saying, we or most of us have been on our own, and struggled financially / emotionally and fundamentally trying to raise children. It is a very daunting task to say the least. Then you meet someone who apparently loves you and is willing to take on the "package"
so to speak. You feel you have finally found love and a second chance to live the dream of what appears to be the family unit. You have hope and you are in love for the first time in maybe a long time. Why would you never having been here before think that
there was cause to worry or think negatively. You love and accept your kids unconditionally so of coarse you think the other person will too. No one teaches us how to do this and if you were offered the classes before, you probably didn't think you needed
them. So it starts small then grows...an incident at a time, until one day you realize you have a full fledged problem on your hands. Your scared and even though you know you need to make decisions, you are caught between that old life that was so challenging
and giving up on your dreams. Well for me it was when my second child became a drug user, that I realized, my behavior had to stop. I say my behavior because these are MY kids. I spent a lot of time trying to fix and put out fires with my ex husband and my
current husband. If you keep doing the same things you can expect the same results. These are your children, not his. Get help to break the cycle for yourself and for your kids. You are the only one that can do it, and your husbands tactics only work if you
cooperate and enable them. Don't expect him to change, he doesn't have the problem as far as he is concerned, if he did, it would be him in pain and suffering not you or your children. My awakening as I like to call it happened only a few weeks ago, where
I decided I am no longer willing to put up with anyone disrespecting me or MY children again. In much the same way, I will not allow them to disrespect others. If I allow him to treat them with disrespect then they will allow others in their life to do the
same thing. We are all entitled to mutual respect, and if it is NEVER to late to get help. We are all human and we make mistakes, but once that little voice tells you something is wrong, get help, you are stronger then you know. Keep your eye on your goal
your kids, and their happiness and let's face it no matter how much you try, as a mother you cannot be happy, not truly happy while your child is As I said, I started my journey of getting help by going to get help for myself, to find the inner strength to
help my kids, and I know they love me and I them....We are a family unit the kids and I ...it is a matter of perspective. Perhaps you didn't choose your path, or perhaps you did but things just didn't go as you expected....it's not too late to change the coarse
of your future. Ps. I have three children two almost grown and one in high school. Signed..... believe in yourself.
Anonymous commented on 26-Feb-2012 04:47 PM
I really hope someone can help me. I have twin boys who are 9 but following their very premature birth I suffered post natal depression and flee my last husband to the arms of a man who abused me emotionally/physically and sexually for years. I think I
only allowed this to happen for so long because of the guilt I felt for leaving my boys. Luckily, their dad did a good job and we have always stayed amicable. So once I finally got back on the straight and narrow I got my contact with my boys right up to 50/50.
I have since married again and had a liitle girl who is now 2. She is the love of my life and it hurts me to see that the love I feel for her is what I should have felt with my lovely boys, who are of course every bit as deserving. The sad thing now is that
although my husband is decent in every other way, he wants nothing to do with my boys. He tells our little girl that they are not her brothers and encourages her to call them names. My husband's sister lives with us and she is only 18. I give her all the love,
respect and kindness that I show my own kids so it really hurts that he can not do the same. My boys are picking up on his feelings towards them and they are acting up as a result. Poor boys don't have an easy time with their dad's girlfriend either. The thing
is, if not for my daughter I would have walked out long ago. I have escaped far worse before, but I love my daughter so much. I feel like my daughter is my chance to put things right but this should not be at the expense of my boys who I have already let down
so badly. My husband adores our daughter and he is lovely to her in everyway. I do not want for her sake for us to split up. It is really taking a toll on our relationship, as whilst he says he loves me, I can not believe this as why would you treat someone
you love this way. I am so hurt and feel so guilty for my poor boys.
Anonymous commented on 27-Feb-2012 02:41 AM
To the above post. Your two year old has two brothers who have a strong biological connection to her. You have three children that you are responsible for and love. If you allow him to treat your daughter with kindness and your sons so terribly how will
they ever think they are important to you. They do not need his love they need yours. They need to know you love them enough to protect them from people like him. They did not ask to be put in this situation, and are powerless to change it. They are what they
learn. If he does not respect them they will not respect themselves and may not respect others either. They could also grow to resent their sister as well. Get help for yourself to have the strength to make the difficult decisions you need to make. When you
are their voice and you protect them you are telling them they are loved and they are worth it. Otherwise you may loose them forever.
Anonymous commented on 27-Feb-2012 02:30 PM
I have been with my boyfriend since my daughter(by another man who has never met her)was 1 yr. old.She is now 8 and I have a son by him that is 4. I saw the first red flag right after my son was born, he grabbed my daughters neck she was about 3 at the
time. I told him to never do it again or anything like or I would leave him. Nothing happened for years then I started going to college and so he would work all day and when he got home I would have to leave(im sure he felt a bit overwhelmed having started
a new family with me because he was 43 yrs. old and his kids from his first marriage are fully grown), so while I was at school he hit my daughter in the head and spanked her hard enough for her bottom to be blue and purple. I figured it out when I was giving
her a bath that night and he came running in to "discover" the bruises first, so he knew he had lost control. I made him leave the house immediately and we were separated without him seeing the kids for a year. He was constantly saying all he did was "spank"
her. He finally admitted it was a mistake and swore he would never do it again. We got back together and while he hasnt done it again I feel he has a resentment to wards her and says that shes going to manipulate me and say stuff about him and if she were
his real daughter I wouldnt be acting this way about it. I dont believe that because if I dont agree with his discipline of our son I say so too. I believe parents need to discuss their parenting techniques and be on the same page but if I say anything about
our daughter he jumps down my throat. My son gets away with murder and my daughter he is constantly riding her back. He shows a lot of love and affection towards our son and he turns to address our daughter his whole tone goes from lovey dovey to a dull monotone
"hi". She has told me she feels he loves her brother more which breaks my heart because he is the only father figure she has ever known and before our first split they loved eachother. Recently he yelled at her for pouring herself some cereal and when she
started to cry he hit het on top of the head. NOW no one please berate me! I know I made poor decision in getting back together with him and I know what I must do, GET OUT. MY QUESTION IS FOR THE DAUGHTERS THAT HAVE WENT THROUGH WHAT MY DAUGHTER IS GOING THROUGH:
When I leave I will no longer be able to stay home with my kids, therefore they will spend a lot of time in daycare and I wont be able to afford as much, Ill be on welfare etc. TO THESE DAUGHTERS: Is this better? Or do I stay and just never leave them alone
and continue to stick up for her and then my kids witness the arguement? I know it is a dumb question I suppose but I will not have as much money or time for them and that makes me sad too. another thing is that this man has slowly but surely changed our lives
so that we are completely isolated. I have no friends or family. I want to leave, part of me thinks if I tried harder to make him happy he would be better but the fact is I dont love him anymore or want to even be around him. He is so picky about everything
and always complaining if the house isnt perfect says sexual things about other women and then laughs and says hes joking when I get upset and if I dont get upset he'll keep saying it until I do. He tells me that if I raise them on my own Im subjecting them
to a horrible life. I want to leave but I dont know how. Ive considered going to a shelter but I dont know what Im bringing my kids into there either. I dont know if my situation is extreme enough for a shelter to even take us in. Just going back now and rereading
everything I just wrote I realize my situation is worse that my mind was making it, writing this down has made me see how bad this is. I just dont want my kids to have to be away from me all the time cause Im working and being uprooted from their home at the
same time. I know it will be hard on my son, but I know its best for my daughter.
Luvmykids commented on 29-Feb-2012 10:29 AM
I've always told myself I would never choose a man over my children. I'm currently at a time in my marriage where I have to make that decision. I have one child with my husband of 3 years and 2 boys that I bought into the marriage. I saw signs that my
husband did. Not know how to be a father immediately in the relationship since his father didn't do much with him although he was in the home. Also, my husband was 31 when I met him and all he was used to was caring for himself. I kept telling myself that
it would get better...he would learn how interact with the kids. Friends warned me that it would take a lot for him to change if he hadn't done so already. They also warned me not to have a child with him because things will be the same, and tit is. He treats
his own daughter like a step child. He walks in from work, says hi to everyone, ask how our day went and thats about it for the rest of the night. No help with homework, diapers, baths. Now that I'm unemployed I feel like I should be doing all these duties
anyway. I don't know if I'm right or wrong. He sleeps all weekend. My boys have no father figure in the home basically. Every now and again he'll get an itch to take us somewhere or cook our favorite dinner. Maybe once a month. Should I just appreciate that?
He definitely needs family counseling but brushes me off every time I mention his distance between the kids. How can someone feel this way about children. I wont even get into my lonliness in the marriage. He won't even partake in sports with them. They are
boys and need that type of involvement. How can my husband get out of his selfish ways? Should I just consider leaving him for this?
Anonymous commented on 29-Feb-2012 02:16 PM
I've always told myself I would never choose a man over my children. I'm currently at a time in my marriage where I have to make that decision. I have one child with my husband of 3 years and 2 boys that I bought into the marriage. I saw signs that my
husband did. Not know how to be a father immediately in the relationship since his father didn't do much with him although he was in the home. Also, my husband was 31 when I met him and all he was used to was caring for himself. I kept telling myself that
it would get better...he would learn how interact with the kids. Friends warned me that it would take a lot for him to change if he hadn't done so already. They also warned me not to have a child with him because things will be the same, and tit is. He treats
his own daughter like a step child. He walks in from work, says hi to everyone, ask how our day went and thats about it for the rest of the night. No help with homework, diapers, baths. Now that I'm unemployed I feel like I should be doing all these duties
anyway. I don't know if I'm right or wrong. He sleeps all weekend. My boys have no father figure in the home basically. Every now and again he'll get an itch to take us somewhere or cook our favorite dinner. Maybe once a month. Should I just appreciate that?
He definitely needs family counseling but brushes me off every time I mention his distance between the kids. How can someone feel this way about children. I wont even get into my lonliness in the marriage. He won't even partake in sports with them. They are
boys and need that type of involvement. How can my husband get out of his selfish ways? Should I just consider leaving him for this?
Anonymous commented on 04-Mar-2012 11:56 PM
My husband is so negative towards my son who is 17 and my son and I are really close and I feel like if I don't leave my husband I will lose my son. My husband always criticizes my parenting and my decisions and he thinks he gets to tell how to raise him
and we did just fine without him for 14 years. Should I stay or should I go???? Hate myself for putting my son in this situation and now I don't know how to get out of it.
Anxious to leave commented on 07-Mar-2012 07:32 PM
I am in those situations also. I have two children from a previous marriage, he has one from a previous marriage, we have one together. All of them have always lived with just us. He works off all the time but when he is home he treats my son horrible
and my son has been showing his anger about it to me and in school. He use to never get in trouble at school and now he stays in trouble at school. Its continued to get worse between them. He treats my daughter alot better but not as good as he could. He treats
our daughter together pretty bad. He treats his daughter from a previous marriage like she's the best even when she does bad things.I have treated his daughter as if she were mine for the last 11 yrs. He would leave me if I treated her the way he does the
others. I haven't left bc I am her only mom but I can't take anymore. I've decided to leave I'm just waiting for him to get home from this job. I will struggle til I get on my feet again just to make my children happy and not hate me later. If I can do it
I know all of you can. I should have left when it first started. I haven't worked in 8yrs so you all can manage without them mean hateful men if I can learn to start over. Become brave women and lets show them all we can take control over our own lives!
Anonymous commented on 08-Mar-2012 11:04 PM
wow. this is sobering. my daughter loved the man i became engaged to when she was five. he seemed to give her the closeness her own father couldn't give her. but in no time, "step" dad became a real bossy boots. in the beginning he told me i was a great
mom... soon i was spoiling my son and daughter and by the end of that relationship as far as he was concerned i was letting the kids drive us apart. it was so wierd, until i realized he was jealous and was dealing with issues of control. for example, he insisted
i leave my daughter with him while i took my son to spring training for his 14th birthday because i just wasn't doing enough to bond us as a family, and then woke my daughter out of a deep sleep to tell her he really hoped she would continue to consider herself
his daughter even when we broke up since he wasn't so sure we were going to make it. Can you imagine? She was 12 years old and in her house alone with this guy and he's demanding her loyalty to him and disloyalty to me in one breath, not to mention hinting
at abandoning all of us when his BIG ISSUE was that we needed more bonding time. Pretzel logic. It took years for my daughter to tell me that story. In the meantime she was carrying around so much fear and pain. Stepdads can be good medicine for a family broken
by divorce. I've seen it. But unfortunately more often these stories of betrayal of trust and emotional and physical abuse are the norm. It has taken me years to undo the damage. And he's been history for a while now....
Anonymous commented on 10-Mar-2012 09:47 PM
Wow..I am so happy I have found this website. I am in the same situation. My BF and I have been together for 4 years. I have three daughters 12, 10,8 from a previous marriage and my BF has two kids (girl and boy)14 and 9 from a previous relationship and
we have a 22 month old boy together. All six kids live us, his go to their moms whenever its convenient for her she is on drugs homeless part of the time. So needless to say I have stepped in to be the person that I am and I take his kids to all doctors appts,
sign them up for school, go all of the parent teachers conferences, cook, clean etc. Along with my kids but did I mention that they hate me and my kids. Everytime they get in the car with their or alone they try to get my kids in trouble which doesn't take
much. There dad hates my kids too. He also is never nice to them if looks could kill. He always calls them names lazy and fat. Always makes fun of them. He is always looking for something to yell at them about but his kids do no wrong he will ask who did something
and then go yell at my kids and if it was his kids he says oh and laughs. So everyday we are fighting about when he yells at my kids. Every day I feel like I am walking on egg shells to not make him mad. His kids have no friends they have no social skills
by the way just like their dad. He tries kick every kid in the neighborhood out or my friends because of just control. I have already left two times and this time he is going to do it. I have too, I know my kids hate him and I don't blame them. These type
of men get you under your control that you don't realize that you are stronger then you really know..so thank you ladies
maria commented on 17-Mar-2012 06:30 PM
This site has given me courage! I threw my husband out (shamefully again) two weeks ago. My son from a previous marriage is a tad lazy but hey! he has jsut turned 18. He is 18 and in college and doing work experience for the days he is not there. He has
never brought trouble to my door. No drink, no drugs. My husband on the other hand drinks all night. He stopped drinking red wine last time he squared up to me 9 months pregnant. Now he drinks 10 cans of stella a night. He seems to resent my son even being
here. We have a 3 year old daughter and a 5 month old daughter he worships. I am 45 and have had a lucrative career and degree behind me. My father just died and has left me comfortable as well. However, I feel torn,lonely and desperate. Since I have met him
8 years ago my friends have lost patience with me. Believe me, I was a STRONG cookie. Now I feel I am compliant and weak. He has so many anger issues and drink, self esteem issues. He is a wonderful loving man most of the time. He can suffer from impotence
though and this causes him problems. I feel tremendous guilt. Do I sacrifice my sons happiness for the 2 babies or do I hurt them? The 3 year old is terribly confused and cries for her daddy all the time. Its stupid I know, I already know what I would tell
a friend. Am I scared of being on my own again (5 years between husbands).And I am educated in this stuff with a BSc in Social Sciences!! I love you ladies that have stood firm. And I would welcome any comments or friendships.
Meme commented on 19-Mar-2012 01:14 AM
KMy step dad is mean and my mom usted to be nice but hes made her mean and they have had kids so I dont want my sisters to go trough what I hade to go throug what I had to go thriugh so I dont say eneything hes thros stuff at my and cuses at me all the
tine I cry all the tie my mon is no help u wish icould live with my real dad I love him but I dont know what to do I find my self taking my anger tiurd him on my sisters and then hg them hes makes my 15 yaer old brothr cry anr yell at him moor and it makes
my boll my eyes oit he treats his dotters like gold it makese soooooo maddd plzz help me
Anonymous commented on 19-Mar-2012 09:43 PM
Well i have 5 sibs. Two brothers 20 and 10 and two sisters 14 abd 15. A week or so ago my 20 year old bro got kicked out for fighting with my mom. My 15 year old lives with her grandparents. So it me im 20 and 9 months pregnant my 14 year old sis and 10
year old bro. We have to deal with our mom and dad. Fightin all the time. We dont know what to do cause if the split up we have no where to go. What can we do?
Heartbroken Mom commented on 22-Mar-2012 10:31 AM
Well i just read this today after living this way for the past year. I have been with my husband for 4 years now & our relationship is good but he hates my 16 yr old daughter. I had her when i was 16 & her dad is still in her life but previous to this
current marriage i was married once before & was with my first husband 13 years & had 2 children by him a girl 13yr & boy 11 yr. My first husband abused crack & was violent, he was very mean to my oldest(the 16 yr.old) He had a daughter the same age from a
previous & she would come every other weekend, it seemed as though my oldest got the blame for everything & he used to put her down as a young child he said she was dirt & he once beat her so bad that her bottom was black! Needless to say i left him & although
she doesn't get beat now, for some reason my current husband tends to put her down & says shes lazy, idiot, & that he would love to punch her in her mouth.He has told her he wished she would move out & go live with her dad. She can be a sassy mouth teenager,
but what 16 yr old isn't? Its really got me in a spot..i love my husband & i love my daughter & as her mother i feel like i have failed her, her whole life allowing men to physically & mentally abuse her. She doesn't do drugs & hasn't got in trouble with the
law. But i do see her down a lot, she seems so depressed & its got me feeling the same way! Will this ever work out? Is there help for my situation?
Anonymous commented on 29-Mar-2012 12:06 AM
im shocked at how many out there have similiar stories. I have a 20 (almost 21) year old son from my first marriage that at my husband has been with since he was 5. everything seem to be great prior to marriage, house, and other resposbilities. My husband
was(is) very strict especially when drinking, has gotten into my sons face several times. my son recently came home with a puppy and my husband refused to allow the dog to stay so my son decided to keep the dog and move out. now my son blames me for allowing
my husband to throw him out. my son is a good young man.. a bit lazy at times ...but goes to school, works etc. I have a daughter with my husband who misses her bro. my son makes me feel guilty every day that he had to leave the house. now he doesnt even come
over cause they dont even speak and my husband calls him names still whenever i bring up his name. i just know ..should i feel guilty that i didnt demand that my son be able to stay with the dog. my x still pays my sons rent and other items. so he is taken
care off. should i feel quilty that he actually is better off not living here... i do miss him but just want him to be safe and happy ... it seems any decision i make my son thinks i am choosing my husband over him... am I? so heartbroken and confused.
Anonymous commented on 02-Apr-2012 02:48 AM
Maria your son comes first and your husband needs to go to AAA meetings. YOur babies need to be raised in a healthy enviorment and thats your reponsibility to provide them with that. Your son is doing great and if you want him and his future wife and grandkids
over you have to bring him back in. He needs your support and reasurance that the strong Mom is still in there.
Step-dad hates mental kids commented on 02-Apr-2012 05:06 PM
It is so sad that so many other people are going though the same thing my family is almost. My boyfiend (of 20 years, never married mostly due to my kids) seems to hate my kids. I confront him all the time about this and he says that he loves them and
is trying to change things. He thinks that I am too easy on them and they are hopeless and worthless. He has no kids of his own, and his father left when he was 5 yrs old. His mother was a single parent who worked 2 jobs and wasn't there much either. His family
is not as loving as mine, and they use humor for many situations. They are more strict than I am. And hold grudges over everything. His favoite saying is "he wont give milk and cookies when they screw up". And "Moms pet, not dads." I agree with some of the
things that he says, like what most of the problems are with them. I do see the reality of our lives. I do care about what happens to my kids. What I don't agree with is the way he talks and acts twards them. And the way he expects everyone around him to be
perfect. He never takes any responsiblity for anything he says or does that hurts others. We all take things the wrong way, and are too easliy hurt. He doesn't understand that they both have mental illness that runs in my family. (he sees that as an excuss
for me to okay every bad thing they do) My son at 17 has depression and general anxiety, my daughter is 21 (has moved out with her boyfriend)has two kids and is bipolar. They both got into drugs which has been a constant battle for all of us. I worry myself
sick over all of them. I have had both my children in counceling and family theropy, put on medications for the illnesses and it is still not enough. I know I have made many mistakes where they are concerned, but they are my children and I love them no matter
what. He thinks that he can say bad things about them to me and not to them and it is okay. What he doesn't realize is that the feelings he has for them come out in the way he relates to them on every level. He blames me for everything and thinks I have the
power to change them, to make them better, to fix our family. His way of helping is to complain daily and nag over everything they do in hopes that I will get so tired of hearing it I will do something about it. I don't know what the **** he expects me to
do. I feel like I am mostly a single parent and have always been. I have always had to take care of my kids by myself, in every way. My boyfriend has left us 5 times in 20 years always because I won't change things. (which means give him the say so and do
what he says regarding my kids or just fix things) How can I do this when he will never commit to this family? How can I trust what he thinks is right where my kids are concerned when he acts like he hates them. If I knew how to fix this I would have years
ago. My hole faily has suffered and continues to do so. Lately it is worse. When I try to work on including him in issues and discussing things with him, I try to be honest and explain my feelings about how he is acting. He acts like he is 12yrs old. I get
comments like, "Oh, you can yell at me, but not anyone else." or "So everyone else can act however they want, but when I say something, but not me." I explain that he is supposed to be my partner, and is not a child, I am not his mother. I will treat him and
my kids differently. I don't understand his way of thinking at all. I don't think he understands mine either. 99% of our problems are about my kids. I love him, but they will always come first for me. I know we are coming back to the same thing again. Something
will happen and he will leave. I don't know if I can keep doing this. Does anyone have any advise.
Anonymous commented on 10-Apr-2012 10:03 PM
This is so depressing that we all are going through this. I've been married for 13 years. My husband has 2 children, I had two and we have one. Initially he really played up to the whole family thing and wanted to create a Brady Bunch family. He was nice
to my kids when dating but still standoffish. Their dad died when they were babies. They really wanted a Dad. We had a good life before him, but I thought this would complete things. On the eve of our wedding he just picked and picked at my kids and I almost
called it off. I should have trusted my instincts. It never got . We have a child together - about 1.5 years after we married. I thought that would cement things. Our child together can do no wrong and while he is a kind child, his dad spoils him rotten. He
gets everything and does nothing. His older children also can do no wrong, but he is generally estranged from them. They don 't speak to me at all and in my opinion treat their dad poorly. Anyway, my husband berated and mistreated my kids for years. I sometimes
tried to justify it and try to tell the kids he just didn't understand girls, etc. but in fact he was just an @55hole. He hasn't changed a bit. When one of the kids was about 12, he banned her from eating at the table for a year because she scratched it. He
insisted that I shave my daughter's head for backtalking him, but I refused. He told one of them that she was unwanted and no one ever wanted her. He always made comments about their race (they are biracial) he is white. He made one of them pack her suitcase
and then drove her to the inner city ghetto and threatened to leave her cause she was disrespectful to him. He wouldn't tell me his family had invited us to dinners/outings and then would just say hey lets go for a ride and leave the kids at home. Then I'd
realize we were going to a planned outing and he just wouldn't invite my teenagers. HE would then lie to his family and say they didn't want to come. He would come up with outrageous punishments for eyerolling or other disrespect...such as having to rake 90
bags of leaves at our new house. He would not allow them to be on the second floor of the house after a certain time because it "scared" him. The second floor is the only one with full bath. He would rather give anything to a complete stranger or a charity
than to help my kids. He hasn't paid a dime for anything for them....we split the house payment and all bills and I pay 100% of everything...medical, insurance, tuition, christmas and birthday gifts. If he did buy gifts they were alwasy some kind of gag or
backhanded insult (i.e since they are biracial, he would buy some popular rap culture clothing they didn't like to taunt them or get them to have black pride). Then he'd punish them or be mad because they weren't grateful. After years of this my children hate
him and don't care much for me. He insisted my children go to counseling since they were disrespectful. He wouldn't go. He then documented all of it and said they were crazy. He told me if we divorced, I would never see our child because he would have to be
protected from the crazy kids. I wish I'd never married him. I hate all the things he has done and he has started doing some of the belittling to our son. Our son adores him and I could not bear hurting our son through divorce. Our son would be crushed but
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I thought eventually my husband would be like when we first met, but it only gets worse. I don't need his money...I never did. I will always love my kids and I don't think once they get married and have children
that he will feel differently about their children. I look forward to a close relationship with my adult children. One of his adult children only contacts him when she wants money or to whine about her life. When she has visited, she insists on getting him
to buy her stuff, take her to the best restaurants and then she talks badly about him. She's 30 and the only thing she wants to talk about is how he cheated on her mom 20 years ago. She's stuck at age 13 emotionally. The other child who moved into MY home
with me as soon as we became engaged, never contacts me. Didn't give me her number or address when she moved. She has 2 kids and they have never once been alone with my husband, he's had a couple visits with them - probably a total of 10-12 hours in 5 years.
His closest sibling talks awful about him. Anyway, I reget the years I lost with my children when they didn't have me 100% of the time and when they didn't have thelove and attention of two parents. Nothing can make up for that. I will regret it until the
day I die. Sometime I think death will be the only way out. I'm not suicidal or homicidal, I just way think his death or mine will be the only way we can separate in peace. I wish he could care about my children and I while I love him, I hate him for the pain
he has caused my children and me. For all of you, leave him if you can. Children should come first.
Jessica commented on 20-Apr-2012 01:38 AM
Me and my husband have been together for 3 and a half years now and have been married for almost a year. He came into my life when my 4 year old had just turned one. Back then he adored him, loved playing with him, they were so cute. Then 2 years later
my daughter was born. I made him promise that she wouldn't change things between him and my soon and he would promise to show them equal love and affection. At first everything was fine but as soon as we got married it went downhill. He is constantly yelling
at him, calling him names, and cussing at him. I am always getting in the middle of it doing my best to stop it. He is robing my baby of his childhood and it breaks my heart because they used to be so close. I don't wasn't him to resent his baby sister because
of it
Anonymous commented on 23-Apr-2012 12:15 AM
dump your husband please
move on and let the lord guide you commented on 26-Apr-2012 04:05 AM
my stepdad has never liked me i met him when i was eight and was forced to call him dad he abuses me mentally and phsically and my mom does nothing about she tells me how much they both hate me one day he even beat me in the head with a metal pole and
a paint can i didnt call the police bcuz everytime i did the police sided with them i always wanted to make things work for us but everytime i try to talk to them they turn it into an argument i feel my mom wouldnt be that way if she wasnt with him he has
two others kids from a previous relationship and he treats them like they are gods he has one daughter with my mother and shes outta control but he does nothing but when it come to me he wants to hit me and call me names im sick of it me and all of my brothers
and sisters dont like him and we know he doesnt like us either he never even trys to have conversation with us he even kicked my 17 year old sister out with her 3 month baby and my mom did nothing i am starting to resent her for this bcuz i feel shes suppose
to be there for us and shes not this situation has somewhat messed up my personality im not the same anymore when i was younger i was outgoing and very talkative now i cant really even think of words to say when ppl try to befriend me my mom also told me she
wishes he wouldve kilt me during that beating to the head i wish my life was not this i wish my real father wouldve been in my life all i want is love and im not getting any from anybody the way they raised my bros and sisters were to hate eachother and we
are just now starting to get along when i try to talk to my grandmother about it she brushes it off as if im lying i really hate my stepdad for ruing my family like this when other family comes from out of town he acts all innocent but as soon as they leave
hes back to his devilish ways i really think they are possesed sometimes i get jealous of the wonderful relationships that my friends have with their family and wish i was apart of it but i know things happen for a reason but why did this have to happen all
it did was teach me how to hate and i dont want to be like that i know jesus has a plan for me and a trick for theis wicked ways but im honestly schocked to see that alot of ppl are going thru this but we cant force anybody to change all im going to do is
move on and stop trying to make it work but i will always be there for my real brothers and sisters even tho we argue they are blood and i love them but who am i kidding i dont know how to love i really dont even love myself i picked up a habit of drinking
to stop all the pain that really runs deep down inside of me but sometimes when i drink i become an angry drunk but for the most part im cool i just wish my mother had the strenght to see that her kids need her i feel she made me so i will always have a connection
to her but she hates me like she always says since shes been with him its like she acting like him she was never like that when i was younger i use to love my mom and be happy when she came to see us since we lived with my aunt but soon after my mother moved
out of state then came back to get the rest of her children years later and she had a husband he was only nice for about 6 months then he started abusing me his brother even beat me before but he told his brother not to hit me but he thought it was okay for
him to do it my mother never said anything hit hit my brothers and sisters only a few times but i always got it the worst he use to beat me with anything he could get his hands on if a iron was the closest thing to him he would beat me with that when we first
moved into our new house i had a pretty white bedroom set and he broke the frame apart and beat me with the wood hes always beat me with weapons and i always wondered why me sson after my mom pulled out a baseball bat and starting tapping me lightly with it
and when i went to school i showed them the pain infflicted upon me and they called cps and when cps came to the house they told my sis and bros that i was lying and they never did anything about it after that i was put in a group home where i ran away and
started having sex then i got caught and my mom told the judge it was okay for me to come home only to go threw the same things but even worser when i got into my teen life i got in a abusive relationship and when i tried to leave that relationship and go
home to my mom for help she did not help me instead s he told me not to come back to her hous so i went back to him and got more beating until he stabed me only then was my mother concerned and let me come home but a week later she kicked me out and i stayed
the night with a guy and his friends and they got me drunk and raped me i never told anyone about this i was to ashame and i know how it is if a girl says she got raped no one ever believes her im just so emotionally unstable now i dont know how to act around
men should i throw myself at them or what bcuz thats how ive been acting lately im lost and confused and even tried to commit suicide but it didnt work i just wanted to share my story and if a man has that much control over a woman maybe that woman has some
issues with herself im just trying to figure out who i am and want to become something someday but i know when i ever have kids im going to love them no matter what and i will always be there for them the pain runs so deep inside that i always appear to be
angry even when im not it just shows on my face all i want is to be hapy even if thats means never talking to them again
KO commented on 29-Apr-2012 04:07 AM
WOW, It is not just about your kids, no matter how good a stepdad is to your kids he will always be an outsider to them. Stepdads have feelings to and when you never want to compromise and you only think your children deserve all your attention then of
course the stepdad is not going to want to be around your kids. I am sure when each of you started your relationship with this so called bad stepdad, you actually gave him some of your love and attention, well guess what, if you changed how much love and affection
you gave him then you are also guilty of the outcome. I am sure that if you were honest and told him that as soon as he was madly in love with you that you would ignore him and not care about his feelings and only care about the feelings of your kids, I am
sure he would not have married you or stayed with you. You may need to evaluate how you treat him as this may affect how he sees or interacts with your kids. He is not nor ever will be your kids father and your kids will at any given chance remind him of this.
I thank all you women out there as you have truly opened my eyes and I am getting out of my relationship before I become a "STEPDAD", one final note, how many of you women make good stepmoms, I would venture to say not many, as you expect a man to completely
ignore his prior family and put you and your kids above his own, again check yourself, you may be enlightened. My advise, as a man, compromise, yes your kids are very important but if you have completely shut him out and put your kids wants before his needs
then of course he will have a negative reaction remember he needs to have alone time with you if you want to have a healthy relationship, ask yourself when was the last time you made him feel you cared about his feelings, I am sure it has been awhile. I was
that guy, I use to want to be around her kids and did everything for them but when her kids thought they could just use me and not care how they treated me and she would just make excuses for their actions, she started to not care if we had alone time all
of her time and energy was devoted to her kids even if we had plans she would change them just to make her kids happy. I started to build a wall to protect myself, which in turn lead to me not wanting to be around her kids, which lead to me staying in my room,
which lead to her thinking I hate her kids, when in fact I just wanted to feel that I was more then just a meal ticket. It is very hard but if you think for one moment you can make a man feel special and that you want to be with him only to catch him and then
ignore him and then expect him to just be cool with it because you have kids, SHAME ON YOU! Again I thank each and everyone of you, I will not make the same mistake.
Lia commented on 06-May-2012 03:15 AM
Most stepdads, are very mean, trust me...its only once you marry the guy - the true nature comes out...my advice never marry him, cause in a marriage your stuck and he gets the woman pregnant, this happened to me, when i was 8, he was nice, but i could
see right through him, then my mother got pregnant (he always wanted a son)and he moved in my mothers house, then he brought his mother, sister, brother, nefew to love with us and it was horrible the house was so packed, my mother was an idiot she let a man
ruin her home, her child and whatever she could stand for, long story short, he started to call me names, then beat me up when my mother wasn't home, after he had his bastard son (which i hate) even though we are blood related because my mother is his mother
i resent him now...because he was treated like gold, my mothers boyfriend (husband now) used to say my son can have 3 cookies you are a girl you can have 1 only, he treated his son good, mcdonalds and toys what ever he wanted, i couldn't even eat, he called
me names like monkey, ugly, stupid, no want wants me - even my real father hates me...because i'm a girl etc...then my mother had another son by him as he traped my mother thats what step dads do, they impregnate the woman so she can't leave and right after
my mother had the other son, he started to molest me, SEXUAL ABUSE and ask me for sex when i was only 11 at this point i was still playing with doll and was child like...i didn't have breast he was touch my cheat and say so when are your tits going to grow
and develop, i told my aunt and she talked to my dumb mother and she said no he wouldn't do that..my mother didn't want to leave him because he was her husband and had 2 other kids...and i'm just a daughter and i'm 11 her sons were like 2 and 6 months...so
when i came home that evening he as he was touching my privates again..and telling me he wanted to see my "p." develop if it started yet (sorry to be graphic here) I said no i am not developing yet, please stop! then i told my mother and my mother said not
to say these things to anyone, as childrens aid was called he went to jail and i was taken away..my mother bailed him out! and stayed with him...again...3 years later i came back home as a 14 year old and i hate hate my brothers..i don't even think of them
as related to me...i have so much resentment...i wish they just died because of them i had to pay...with my innocence , again mothers..never remarry ever..80% he will hurt your child...its proven...look at the amount of comments here...I hate my mother, i
have told her never to contact me its 20 years later, and i'm healing...and because my mother was desperate for sex and another child...i had to pay for it...she didn't want to be alone, but GUESS WHAT WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN...YOU ARE NOT ALONE...YOUR CHILDREN
ARE YOUNGER THEN YOU ARE SO WHEN YOU DIE THEY WILL STILL BE AROUND...WHY CAN'T WOMAN UNDERSTAND THAT? IF YOU WERE TO MARRY YOU OR YOUR HUSBAND DIES FIRST -GUESS WHAT? YOUR STILL GOING TO DIE ALONE, DOES IT MATTER? SHEESH? YOUR DEAD! what are your children
for then? they would be around you when you are 80...but when you treat them like my mother did...i will never care about her..i have not seen my mother in 8 years...i have no clue how she looks now...and i don't care..i hate her sons...i call her sons the
bastards because they were born out of wedlock...and i don't care..i think they are ugly...so now we are divided, and her sons...liked it that their dad treated me bad, so i used to beat them up when i was a kid, because of anger..i was such a sweet good girl,
never in trouble, but the pain has changed me...for ever....again...i blame women desperate for sex, and to have men in their lives...again once you are a mom please put us first..look at my story...i always felt unloved...i even tried to kill my self at 12
because my mother never loved me more then her husband...and i'm a girl...someones mother maybe in the future...and this man...would say infront of me who do you love more me or this girl? pick..my mother just said oh i don't want make a decision both are
equal...and he was so childish!
Anonymous commented on 09-May-2012 06:40 PM
My god, I have found myself in exactly the same situation, this has made me think so much. My partner was wonderful with my daughter and I thought that I had met the best man and father figure ever. I have had a son with him (5mths old)and since my mid
pregnancy life has been horrific. He does all this behaviour mentioned, ignores her then the long stares. He has told me that I have done an awful job raising her and what a joke I am. I have tried to perserve for my sons sake as I don't want to destroy his
family and I know my daughter loves him so didn't want her to go through the pain of separation again. Its really hard but I need to end it now, we have split a week ago and initially I have asked him to come back, go to counselling (was with the hope that
someone else saying this behaviour isn't right might have an impact) and try and work things out. But over the last couple of days I have realised that I can't do that, I won't have my daughter damaged, I will protect his relationship with his sone and let
him see him whenever he would like. Hopefully I can save any damage now and raise two great children, a daughter who has enough respect to say this is how you should treat me in future relationships and a son that knows how to behave properly in a relationship.
Thanks for these posts, reading them has made me see that the choice for both me and my children to be on our own is right. Like so many have said your first priority is to look after your children and that is what I am going to do, I made a promise to both
of them to protect and do my best for them - thats what I'm doing. The guilt I feel about the split will always be there as we always want to try and keep our families together rather than apart but the right decision is to move on now, make it as painless
as possible for the children and focus on the great job I know I can do (having been a single parent for 8 yrs prior) and will do. Thanks so much

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