Toddler Biting

Stephanie,
Most babies experiment with biting in an exploratory fashion, to see what happens, for instance while nursing or snuggling. When they learn that the parent's response is "OUCH!" they generally have no further need to explore that path.

Sometimes, little ones will bite in an attempt to provoke a reaction, which I would see as a plea for connection. In other words, if you are on your phone, and your child bites you, she's communicating a message: "Please connect with me!" Even if she can't talk yet, try saying "Ouch! No biting. Biting hurts. Do you want me to put away the phone? Call my name. Say 'Mommy!' and I will hear you."

But most commonly, toddlers bite because they are angry or frustrated, and don't yet have the words to express it. It sounds like that is what is going on with your daughter. If you can give her alternative ways to express herself, she won't need to bite.

If you can, prevention is always the best strategy. If you get the sense that your little one might be about to bite, hold her away from you and saying "You are MAD but no biting! Biting hurts." Research has shown that simply acknowledging the feelings of pre-verbal little ones can not only prevent biting, it can actually end tantrums. Given that receptive language is many months ahead of expressive language, she will probably understand you.

If she does bite you, let her know that it HURT! Most likely, you will be startled, and she'll see your automatic startled, pained response and hear you say a loud "OUCH, that HURT!" Focus on the place where you were bitten and give yourself a moment to recover, so you can actually empathize, rather than attacking. Then, acknowledge what she's trying to tell you: "You are mad! You can tell me MAD! But no biting. Biting hurts. OUCH!"

Most kids will stop biting after this. If she doesn't, then either:

a. She is biting to provoke your reaction, which I would see as a plea for connection, and respond to by showering her with attention BEFORE she bites, or during the times when she usually bites, such as if she bites while nursing so that you will look at her.

or

b. She may have a great deal of tension that she is trying to express. When we feel tension, we feel it first in the mouth. So it is not surprising that little ones often bite as a first response to any feelings of upset. That's why prevention is the best strategy, to reduce the tension the child is carrying around. Every toddler needs daily laughter to reduce the stress hormones in their body, so find ways to get your child laughing, like chasing her around to shower her with kisses, or letting her push you over.

Kids also sometimes bite because they are upset and can't express it. The best defense against those feelings is a good offense. They really just need to cry, but don't want to feel those feelings so they bite. To test if this is going on, set your limit -- "No biting...What's the matter, Sweetie?" with understanding, in a kind voice, one that helps her feel safe enough to get in touch with whatever feelings are beneath her biting. I suspect that if you set a clear, kind limit, looking into her eyes, she will burst into tears. Tell her "That's ok, Sweetie, cry as much as you want, I am right here" and hold her. If despite your best efforts, she does bite you, look her in the eye and say "OUCH, you hurt me! You are mad! You can show me you're mad, but no biting." Usually at that point your child will begin crying. A good cry will help her let those feelings out, and she won't need to bite any more.

It is also possible that she'll start giggling instead. Most parents get angry when their child starts laughing after biting, but it is just a way of letting off the tension and upset that caused the bite. Let her laugh as much as she can. Crying may follow. In any case, after all these feelings are out, cuddle your little one and say "You needed to show me how you were feeling. You can show me by making faces. (Make an angry face here, then smile so she doesn't think you're serious.) But biting hurts. No biting."

It also often works to give little biters a teether and tell them "Teethers are for biting, we never bite people."
Dr. Laura