"Dr. Laura, I was wondering if you could do a post about empathic limits. What is an appropriate response to bad behavior from an unconditional parenting approach? For example, every time I come home with my daughter I remind her that when we go inside she must take off her shoes. She often will immediately run to the couch and climb onto it with her shoes on. I know she does this precisely because she knows she's not supposed to, and now I warn her if she doesn't get down she will get a timeout. Usually she gets a timeout. I can't not respond when she does something like this. What can I do instead of a timeout?"
“You don't seem to ever discuss discipline in terms of teaching acceptable behavior. I really think its a lot of bull to give people an excuse not to have decent expectations. Sometimes these kids are brats and they need to be aware of it. I'm not saying that Screaming is good but screaming or other tactics besides hugs are necessary."
The Aha! Parenting website is loaded with hundreds of pages of examples of how to teach acceptable behavior using empathic limits, so if you aren't getting
enough from these posts, please do some exploring on this website. I'm hoping you'll have an Aha! moment, which is this:
There is no such thing as a brat, only a child who is hurting. When our starting point as parents is a close bond with our children, we are their North Star, the point around which they orient. They want more than anything in the world to protect that relationship and meet our expectations, as long as that doesn't compromise their own integrity. If our child is acting like a "brat," she's either signaling that she needs a stronger connection with us, that she's got some big feelings she needs our help with, or that she can't meet our expectation without some tailored support. After all, that (along with modeling) is how we teach acceptable behavior!
So given that Aha! insight, which would be the most effective way to transform "bratty" behavior into cooperative behavior?
- Having high expectations for our child's behavior
- Ignoring "bad behavior"
- Give tailored support
- Setting empathic limits
- Help the child with the feelings that are keeping him from cooperating by playing
- Help the child with the feelings that are keeping him from cooperating by crying
Let's consider each of these in turn.
1. Having high expectations for our child's behavior
Yes, this is an effective strategy. If we don't expect civility in our home, for instance, then we may not get it. But this only works for age-appropriate
expectations. And if she knows the age-appropriate expectation and still doesn't meet it, then either she needs help with the tangled-up feelings that
are keeping her from cooperating, or she needs a better connection with us so that she WANTS to cooperate.
2. Ignoring the behavior
This works for temporary issues that you can live with. For instance, if your child is acting out because he's very hungry, you can address his
need and he'll be back to his sunny self. You might acknowledge his inappropriate behavior in a non-judgmental way: "You are so hungry, you're getting very impatient... Let's calm down and get you some food!" but
you don't need to make a big deal about it. On the other hand, if your child is repeatedly testing your limits, ignoring the behavior
doesn't help. She needs your support to change it.
This is also known as the parental tantrum. It is never an effective tactic in enforcing your expectations, except to the degree that is scares your child
into immediate compliance. When we do this in adult relationships, it erodes the relationship. When we do it with our kids, it also erodes the relationship--so
kids act out even more. It also scares the child, so it adds an overlay of tangled-up feelings that the child will then end up "acting out" by misbehaving.
Screaming is a symptom that you've slipped onto the low road of parenting, into fight or flight, and you're seeing your child as the enemy. Our child
is never the enemy, no matter how ugly he's acting. He's a very young human with an immature brain who is signalling that he needs our help.
This sometimes stops the "bratty" behavior immediately. However, it's a symbolic abandonment, which is why it works. After all, your child needs your
presence to survive. Putting her in timeout is a message that you can withdraw your love and even your presence, leaving your child unprotected. You're
telling her that you're not there to help her with those upsetting feelings that are driving her to act out. Since most children aren't compliant enough
to go willingly to time out, it creates power struggles that can infect your whole relationship. And it stops working as kids get older, leaving
a resentful child who is in rebellion rather than one who WANTS to cooperate.
5. Tailored support
Maybe she needs a warning about the transition coming up. Maybe you need to play a game that gets her giggling about power and obedience to defuse the
tension about feeling pushed around. Maybe she needs a job to do when she comes in the house, so she feels some power. Maybe you need to do some
bonding before you come in the house so she wants to follow your lead. Maybe you need to put an old sheet on the couch for awhile to keep it clean.
But if your repeated reminders that she needs to take off her shoes before getting on the couch aren't working, move on to:
6. Setting empathic limits
Kids don't share our priorities. Why should they? They have their own priorities (jumping on the couch!) and no understanding of our world view (couches
cost money). So it's our job, all day, every day, to guide them. "Shoes get the couch dirty...no shoes on the couch." The more firm and consistent
you are, the more your child can accept your limit, grieve about it, and move on. The more empathic you are, the more your child will accept your limits
without needing to rebel against them. Redirection is the best way to stop the behavior because it channels the energy. "I see that's so much fun! And you know the couch is not for jumping. Come, off the couch. Let's go jump on the old mattress in the basement."
All kids will naturally test limits to see if they're firm. That means that for now you'll need to stay with her as you enter the house and help her get
those shoes off, every time, before she heads for the couch. Eventually, it will become a habit, and neither of you will even think about it.
But what if she darts away from you and makes a beeline for the couch, before you can get her shoes off? She's sending you a signal that something's getting
in the way of her cooperating with you. What? Emotions. Kids store up their feelings, waiting for a safe chance to release them with a compassionate
witness. That's you. If you get to the bottom of these tangled emotions, you'll stop "bad" behavior before it starts.
Sure, you can make her "stuff" those feelings, by screaming at her or punishing her. She'll comply, eventually--until she's old enough to rebel. The teen
years won't be pretty. And you'll never be as close as you could be, to this person you brought into the world.
Or you can help her with those feelings. That will help her cooperate with your agenda. It will teach her emotional intelligence. It will make her more
able to meet your expectations as she gets older. And it will bring you closer. How? Play when you can. Cry when you have to.
7. Help the child with the feelings that are keeping him from cooperating -- Play when you can.
Take a deep breath and repeat after me: "It is not an emergency. We can play with this." Keep your tone light and playful, so you get her giggling. "Excuse me?! Are you on that couch with your shoes on?! We'll see about that! I'm the couch protector, and I always get my girl!" Scoop her up, laughing, and toss her over your shoulder. As you run around the house with her, take her shoes off and drop them where they go. Sing
a silly chant about how much you love her and you'll never let her go. Keep dropping her on the couch and scooping her up again. Finally, collapse
together on the couch for a good snuggle.
The next time you enter the house, before you go in the door, tell her you want to play the game again, but first she has to take her shoes off with you,
right inside the door. Transform the game from one of defiance into one of re-connection and celebration. Use it any time you need to, to interrupt
"bad" behavior. Giggling releases upset feelings almost as well as crying does. It also creates more oxytocin, the bonding hormone, so when you and
your child are laughing together, you're bonding.
8. Help the child with the feelings that are keeping him from cooperating -- Cry when you have to.
What if she doesn't giggle? Won't let you take her shoes off? Gets angry and defiant? She's beyond play. Those big feelings are bubbling up, and she's
trying to keep them down with anger. Summon up all your compassion. Look her in the eye. Set your limit clearly and kindly. "Sweetie, you know shoes get the couch dirty. I won't let you wear shoes on the couch." If you're able to stay compassionate, she may burst into tears. (If you take this personally and get mad, there's no way you'll get to tears -- you'll
just have a fight on your hands.) Hold her while she cries, if she'll let you. Don't talk much, just tell her she's safe. If she lashes out,
remember that the tears are right behind the anger. She just needs to feel a little safer to let them out. You build safety with your 24/7 empathy
for your child, as well as with play, and with physical connection. Which brings us to:
I agree that hugs are not our only tactic to reconnect and create cooperation. But they are probably our most useful. Hugs help our child feel safe enough
to cry and let out the upsets that are driving her to act out. Hugs reconnect us, so our child WANTS to cooperate. And they remind us that our child,
even if he's acting "bratty," is our beloved. Hugs rescue our child from the low road he's stumbled onto and pull him back up onto the high road with
us. Hugs are no substitute for 24/7 empathy and daily one-on-one reconnection time with your child, but nine hugs a day are essential for him to thrive
and want to cooperate.
I'll be doing more posts focusing on empathic limits in the near future, but for today, why not try more hugs?