Aha! Parenting Blog

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When Your Child Makes You Want To Scream: 10 Steps to Calm, Connect & Teach

"Your step by step roleplays are a godsend, I love that you show me exactly what to say.  But the hardest thing is still to calm myself down when my boys get wild and my buttons get pushed. I end up screaming despite my best intentions." - Mollie 

Every child can drive a parent crazy, at least sometimes. Some strong-willed children can drive us crazy most of the time! But really, what are your options when your child makes you want to scream?

  • Scream and then feel remorseful later.
  • Resist screaming by calming yourself down.

In other words, you can escalate the upset, or you can try to return yourself to center, so you can calm the storm.

Of course, you have more options if you take positive action BEFORE you feel like screaming. Often when we lose it with our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something is grating on us. Often, we're trying so hard to be patient that we let things get out of hand, and then we snap. 

The key is to set limits BEFORE you get angry. The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell. It’s time to intervene in a positive way to meet everyone's needs so you prevent the irritating behavior. 

But what if despite your best efforts something happens that pushes you over the edge?

1. If necessary, intervene to move a child out of danger.  And, of course, tend to anyone who is crying or hurt. But don't open your mouth to the child you want to scream at. Whatever comes out will make you sorry later. Bite your tongue. Just focus on making sure everyone is safe.

2. There is no emergency.  This is the critical moment; your body has been hijacked by fight or flight hormones and part of you thinks it's an emergency. You feel an urgent need to act; probably by clobbering your child. Repeat after me: IT'S NOT AN EMERGENCY.  

3. Consciously speak in as calm a tone as you can manage. "I need to calm down. I'll be back in a minute" and move away from your child. (If one child was being attacked by the other, take that child with you to keep him safe.)

Maybe you're wondering how your child will learn not to do such things if you stay calm.  Research shows that when we get upset, our kids get more upset -- and the learning functions of their brains shut down. Kids learn best through a limit given empathically so that it lessens their upset, followed by a problem-solving discussion once they calm down. By comparison, when we act like it's an emergency, our child spins further out of control.

4. Do whatever calms you and defuses your anger. Breathe deeply at least ten times. Soften your belly. Shake the tension out through your fingers.  Splash water on your face. Look in the mirror and reassure yourself:  "I'm a good parent.  This will be ok. Whatever happens, I can handle it."

5. Change your thoughts so you can change your feelings.  If you're thinking your child is a spoiled brat who will grow up to be a thug, you can't calm down. The truth is, your child is a little person who is struggling inside, and is showing you that by his behavior. Remind yourself of three things you love about your child. Talk yourself off the cliff: "He's acting like a child because he IS a child....My child needs my love most when he least 'deserves' it." 

6. Once you're calm, move back to your child and set whatever limit you need to as empathically as you can. You're role modeling for your child how to regulate emotions. Hopefully, you're feeling calm and kind enough now to help your child express whatever emotions led to her outburst, so you can help her with those feelings and move beyond them. But if you're still too upset, just say "I'm still upset about what happened.  I know you were upset too, but it's not okay to behave like that. We'll talk about this in a while, once we're both calmer."

The disadvantage to waiting is that you haven't helped her with her feelings now while she's in touch with them, and they're still driving her behavior. She might act out more. On the other hand, if you're still angry, you can't really be kind to your child, and anything you say will make things worse. So wait to do the hard work of connecting until you can actually connect without attacking.

7. When everyone’s calm, talk with your child about what happened. Your first goal is to surface the emotions that led to the behavior, so you can help your child to process them and manage them.  That way they won't drive more bad behavior in the future. The key to this is empathy for your child's feelings. Remember, actions must be limited but all feelings are allowed:  "You hit your brother...you must have been very angry.....you get mad at your brother a lot....it's hard to share me, I know....sometimes you wish you didn't have a brother.....everyone feels that way sometimes....you know that I could never love anyone more than you.....you have a special place in my heart just for you...."

 If you can resist lecturing and instead offer understanding, your child will share his feelings. They may not be feelings you want to hear: his hurt, his resentment of his sibling, or his anger at you. Just listen and empathize as he gets it off his chest. If you're really empathizing, you'll be able to see why he feels that way (even if you disagree). You'll probably even get tears in your eyes.

8. Once you're both calm and feeling connected, teach. Remind your child that while you always want to hear how she feels, it's her responsibility to manage her behavior. Explore with your child how she might handle such a situation in the future. "I know you were so very mad, and I know what it's like to feel that mad...AND I will not let you hit your brother.  What could you do next time instead of hitting?....Use your words?  Yes.  What else? ...Do you think you could call me for help?... Stomp your foot? Throw your arms around yourself in a big hug? Great! Let's practice that right now."

9. Prevention is the best medicine.  If your cup isn't full, you're at the mercy of your triggers.  One little push from your three year old, and you've slipped from the high road of parenting to the low road.  You can only give what you have inside, so keep your cup full. Talk with a trusted friend about the trials of parenting. Turn off the computer and go to bed early.  Make daily opportunities to laugh with your children. Try to just stop and really enjoy your child, even with all the chaos and mess. 

10. Fake it till you make it. What if you find yourself screaming before you can stop yourself?  The minute you notice it, just stop. In mid-sentence.  Close your mouth.  You're not embarrassing yourself, you're demonstrating the kind of self control you want your child to learn.  If you do this every time, you'll begin rewiring your brain. Sooner or later, you'll be able to stop yourself before you start screaming. You'll be on your way to becoming a parent who never screams. And your buttons won't get pushed nearly as often.

Easy? No. This is some of the hardest work there is.

Possible? Absolutely. You can do hard things! Look at everything you've done to get to here. Give yourself whatever support you need. Every step in the right direction gets you into a new landscape. In three months, think how much better your home could feel.

I'll be here cheering you on, every step of the way.


Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

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