Divorce: Protecting Your Kids
If you're getting divorced, you'll be heartened to know that the research shows kids can cope with a divorce and come out ok. But often they don't. In fact, many children whose parents make the decision to divorce are emotionally wounded in a way that 
lingers throughout their lives.
The good news is that we know what the risk
factors are that leave kids scarred. The bad news is that avoiding these risks takes enormous maturity on the part of both parents. The top risk factors for kids when parents divorce are:
- When parents keep fighting
- When one parent abandons the child or doesn’t stay in close contact
- When the child’s economic situation deteriorates
How can you protect your child?
1. First, reaffirm with the other parent that your child’s emotional health is your mutual priority. Keep reaffirming this to yourself every time you get mad at your ex. Keep re-affirming it to your ex as you model maturity in all of your interactions.
2. Avoid fighting with your ex, even during the divorce negotiations. This will take great maturity, but think of it as in the best interests of your child. If necessary, go to counseling together.
3. Model maturity to your kids throughout the divorce process by quickly resolving the financial issues and moving on. For this reason, try to avoid litigation and instead use mediation.
4. It is in the best interests of the child to arrange shared custody so both parents stay equally involved in the child's life. That means you have to give up half the custody. But it will dramatically increase the chances that your child will grow up emotionally intact. Just keep telling yourself that kids need both their parents. Would you be a great single parent? It's irrelevant. What's damaging for your kid is feeling abandoned by the other parent.
5. Most of the time when a parent loses contact with a child after a divorce it is because of the conflict between the ex-spouses. Remember that your child did not get divorced. He is still related to, and needs, both of his parents. Be happy when he has fun with the other parent. Don’t make him feel guilty for loving his other parent. Your job is the opposite, to nurture his relationship with his other parent.
6. Before sitting down with your child to announce the divorce, plan what you will tell the kids so there are clear answers to any questions they have. As much as possible, plan to keep the child's life as much the same as possible – home, bedroom, school, activities, friends, etc. This is important to give your child some stability during a very hard time.
7. Sit down together with the kids when you tell them about the divorce. Tell them that you both did your best to save the marriage and that the decision to live apart was made by both people. Don't put the blame on either partner. Don’t apologize for the decision. Instead, say that you think that even though there may be a tough transition, the divorce will give everyone a better life in the long run. If your child has seen you fighting, you can refer to that. Otherwise, just say that you are happier living apart, which will make you better parents when you live apart. If your child says you are destroying the family, stress that each of you is still in a family with your child, and that you will stay connected as the child’s parents.
8. Reassure kids they are not responsible for the separation and that this is a decision that you will not reconsider.
9. Reassure kids that you both still love them very much and that you both will be there for them and be an active part of their lives.
10. Commit to your kids that as much as possible will remain the same in their lives (home, room, school, activities, friends, etc) and that both parents will be there to support kids in their endeavors (shuttle them to sports games and see school performances, for instance.)
11. Tell kids they can see the other parent whenever they want to. Make this easy for them. Your goal for the kids is stability and as much time with each parent as possible.
12. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
13. Don’t ask children to choose who to live with.
14. Let your child rage, cry, and vent. This will feel like a death to them, and in fact it is: the death of their family. Resist the urge to defend your decision. This is not about you, it is about them. They're entitled to their feelings.
15. Never ask kids who they want to live with. Never ask your kids to take sides, even subtly.
16. Never say negative things about each other to the kids.
17. Never talk about each other in front the kids, even if they're across the room and you're on the phone with a friend. They will hear every word. Never say anything in front of your kids that you don't want repeated to your ex.
18. Maintain appropriate boundaries with kids in your discussions, not just
about your spouse, but about everything. Don’t let your child “take
care” of you. Find adult support.
19. Be aware that children need time with each parent more than ever during a divorce and be there to spend time with them. Make sure your child still feels connected to you when she is with the other parent.
20. Be there whenever your child needs to talk. Listen, and reflect back what you hear: “Sounds like you’re pretty mad at Mom and me that we’re getting divorced.” Let your child have his or her feelings, don’t try to argue.
21. Maintain family routines, rules, schedules, and structures. As much as possible, maintain family rituals.
22. Don’t relay messages through your kids.
23. Remember that if your ex has a new girl or boy friend, your job is to insure that your ex still relates to your child. Now that this new person is part of your child's life, your goal is to help your child have a positive relationship with that person as well. Negativity toward the new flame will always be counter-productive and could drive your ex away from your child. If your ex has another child, stress the positive role of the big sibling.
24. If one parent acts irresponsibly, the other may be tempted to also (by badmouthing them, for instance). This temptation should be resisted, as it is always bad for the kids. So even, for example, if you are the custodial parent and your spouse stops paying child support, don’t share this info with your kids. It will make them feel even more abandoned and unloved.
25. Try to put off dating for awhile. If you do develop a relationship, don't be in a hurry to introduce your new flame to your child. Your kids have already lost their family. They need time to get used to the idea of a step-parent. And it won't help them to get close to a potential step-parent only to lose them.
What I'm prescribing is a tall order, especially for parents who still have issues about their ex (and who doesn't?)! If you need to get some counseling to help you work through your own feelings about the divorce, don't hesitate.
