Valentines Day Rituals for Families
Married with Kids? Or single with kids? Valentines Day is for Families Too!
Valentine’s
Day is one of my favorite holidays, because it celebrates the purpose of life.
No, not chocolate, LOVE!
We all need to
be cherished. And despite our good intentions, most of us don't tell
our spouses, children, or other loved ones often enough just how
precious they are to us. If we can resist the commercialization,
Valentines Day can be a wonderful opportunity to remind all of our loved
ones (not only our sweethearts) how glad we are that they're in our
lives.
Want some ideas to celebrate Valentines Day, when you’re too busy, too broke, and maybe
even too harried to remember that you really adore these people you live
with?
1. Make the mood festive with a short family dance party. Don't forget the romantic slow dance for the parents! After the dancing, eat with candles on the table.
2. At dinner, go around the table and
give each person a chance to give an appreciation to every other family
member. They don't have to be earth-shaking to strengthen relationships
and fill our cups, : "I appreciate Eli for helping me with my
homework....I appreciate Mom for spending special time with me at
bedtime....I appreciate Dad for always being cheerful....I appreciate
myself for getting out of the house on time in the morning."
3. Rethink Gifts. Valentines Gifts are NEVER about the item or product. That teaches all the wrong lessons about love. Make this about the heart to heart
expressions that build intimacy and connection. If you must buy a gift, choose it using the GIFT test: does it create more
Gratitude, Intimacy, Fondness and Trust between you, or does it just
impress? In other words, a bottle of inexpensive champagne, some
sandwiches, and an invitation to a picnic supper in bed after the kids
are asleep meets this test a lot better than jewelry or candy. (Of
course, those of us who love chocolate can think of many delicious
things to do with it that can only be described as intimate.)
4. Alternate gift ideas:
*A Letter of Appreciation.
The best gift of all is always a simple
letter to your loved ones detailing how grateful you are to have them in
your life. Be as specific as possible; “the way you let me
sleep in the morning while you make the kids breakfast” and “the way you
sing off key” are even more love-inspiring than “You’re lovable.” Don’t worry if it
isn’t eloquent. Any heartfelt love letter will be cherished by the
recipient much more than a store-bought gift. This isn't only for your spouse; kids feel
loved when we notice who they are and what they contribute to us, our
family, and the world. Your kids will
will reread your letters during tough times. They'll save them for the
rest of their lives.
*Homemade Valentines.
Kids feel loved
when we spend time making something for them, rather than buying it. Why not make Valentines? This can
be as simple as 15 minutes with red construction paper, scissors, and
magic markers, or as elaborate as a joyful, creative family project for
three hours. Need inspiration? There are web sites galore. But I usually
stick to the simplest: construction paper hearts with a heartfelt
message detailing something you appreciate about the recipient.
*A gift certificate for a backrub and snuggle every night for a month.
Kids feel loved when we listen to them and give them an opportunity to
talk through their daily challenges. Every single day, spend 15 minutes
snuggling with each child before bed. Not reading, that's separate.
Snuggle time is just chatting, or snuggling companionably. Most kids
love a backrub and hand or foot rub. Darkness and impending lights out,
along with silence, has a way of eliciting our children's deepest
concerns. Do you have to solve them then? No. You listen, empathize,
let them sort it out. If they need more help, you promise to help them
solve the problem tomorrow. The next day, follow through. (But most of
the time, the problem evaporates as your child talks it through, either
because they solve it or expressing the feelings was enough.) After the
month, you'll realize the gift was really to you, and you won't be
willing to give up your new habit.
5. Find five minutes to spend by yourself giving thanks for those you
love. One at a time, visualize yourself hugging them, and them beaming
back at you. Let the infinite tenderness of your love for them wash over
you. Ask for help to let go of anything that gets in the way of being
close to this person, who is so precious to you.
(Does the idea
of asking for help bother you? It doesn’t have to be God, or even the
healing spirit of the universe, that you’re talking to. It could simply
be your own deepest wisdom, which is also the heart of love. The
interesting thing about asking for help in this way is that, at least in
my experience, it always works.)
6. Spread the love. When your kids start to see your family Valentine making tradition as too goofy, have them
invite their friends. Good music (theirs), delicious snacks (your job)
and a digital or instant camera ("Here's a picture of me making your
valentine") seem to provide enough cool context for tweens and even
younger teens to let themselves enjoy this project. In fact, inviting
friends always seems to double the fun, whatever their age.
7.
Keep Valentines from past years and decorate the house with them for the
week before and the week after. Each year you’ll ooh and ah over
beautiful ones from the past, and the messy, misspelled hearts from the
little ones will become priceless evidence of their past adorableness,
which even they will treasure as they get older. For
the month of February, your house will be papered with love.
8. Your kids
can make very simple Valentines for their class, which do so much more
to fill kids' cups than the store-bought "fast-food" ones. Just cut out
hearts, or run them out of the computer. Your child can color and
decorate and elaborate as much or little as he wants. Or take their
drawings and have them color-xeroxed with red ink.
9. Make some
extra valentines to pass out as you go through your day, if you can
summon up the energy. You’ll be amazed whose day you’ll be moved to
brighten: the subway token clerk, the grocer, coworkers, neighbors, a
homeless person you pass on the street. And you'll go home with your own
heart glowing and a few sizes larger.
10. Need Candy to make the day
complete? In our house, sweets were never a major part of valentines
day, but my kids certainly came home from school with treats, and we often make cookies if we can find the time. Be aware that teachers
say the red dye is worse than the sugar in setting kids off, and
scientists think it is pretty bad for you. Chocolate, on the other hand,
is the perfect food, according to the strictly unscientific research
I've conducted.
11. How about a telephone
valentine chain? Call someone dear to your family and pass the phone
around to take turns telling this person you love them. Then ask that
person to “Pass it forward” by calling someone they love, asking that
person to call another, etc.
12. Sound surround yourself with love. This is the day for your LoveSong playlist. Skip the heartbroken ones and go straight for celebration, all day long!
13. Love in Practice. Use Valentines
Day as an opportunity to express love for others by taking valentines
goodies or homemade valentines to a nursing home, hospital, or soup
kitchen.
As four wise teachers once said, “In the end, the love
you take is equal to the love you make.” However you decide to
celebrate, I hope February 14 brings more love into your life. Happy
Valentines Day!
