Surviving Arsenic Hour
Every parent knows arsenic hour, when hunger, homework, and exhaustion merge into one big emotional accident waiting to happen. One obvious reason that kids have meltdowns at the end of the day is that they're hungry and tired, whether they've been home with you or out at school. But there's another reason. After having spent the day apart, your child feels disconnected from you. Until he reconnects, he'll let you know how alone he feels by acting ornery and uncooperative.
It's also classic for kids who are at daycare or school all day to lose it when they're reunited with you. It's hard work for little
people to keep it together all day in the face of all those
developmental challenges, disappointments and rules. All day, they store up big feelings they can't process, waiting to be safe with Mom or Dad to let those emotions fly. The minute they see you, their "executive
self" relaxes, and their "baby self" comes out to seek comfort. Be ready to be emotionally present for your 
kids, focus on connecting with them, and you'll
stave off some meltdowns and set a pleasant tone for the evening. How?
1. If you can manage it, change into your jeans before you leave
the office. I know, it sounds crazy. But the minute you do, you begin
to relax. And make sure to use the bathroom before you leave the
office! What if you've been home with little ones all day? Steal five minutes to wash your face, have a cup of tea, and do nothing. Really, nothing.
2. Then, before you pick up your kids, sit in the car for five minutes
by yourself. Put on a soothing tape. Breathe deeply. Tell yourself
what a good job you did all day. Think of one nice thing you can do
for yourself this evening (A glass of wine with your husband? A hot
bubble bath? Call an old friend? Go to bed early?) and promise
yourself that present tonight. Acknowledge that after the kids go to
sleep is your time, this next few hours is "kid time." Then, get in
touch with how much you love your kids and how much you want a nice
connection with them. Once you've filled your own cup, you'll find you
have a lot more to offer your kids.
3. Give your kids lots of hugs and "pre-emptive" attention when you
pick them up. When your kids get in the car, what they need is to re-connect with you. Turn off the radio and focus on them. Give everyone a big hug and a loving look in the eye. Make a ritual of starting with the youngest, and ask
them about their days. Be sure to ask open-ended questions to get them
talking while you drive. You'll find your kids will come to love this
ritual and wait for their turn with great anticipation.
4.
Keep your kids with you when you walk into the kitchen to start
dinner. Why? Because they haven't seen you all day and they need to
reconnect with you. Until they do, they're much harder to manage, and
much more likely to fight with each other. They're also more likely to
get into trouble while you're preoccupied with getting dinner on the table -- most
pediatricians will tell you that kids have more accidents at this time
of day. They're
overstimulated from being tired, which means they have stress hormones
coursing through their veins -- that's how kids manage to get through
the afternoon when they're tired, and it's what makes them so cranky
and often hyperactive at this time of day. Using TV at this point can become an addiction because it tamps down the feelings you child has stored up all day, and numbs children out, so when it's time to turn off the TV, all those unprocessed emotions come bursting out.
Instead, start a routine
of sitting your kids down at a little table in the kitchen with a snack to draw if
they're toddlers or preschoolers. If they're older, they can sit at
the kitchen table and do homework while they snack. Young children may show you with their crankiness that they need your help to restore emotional regulation; the best way to do that is a short game in which you get them giggling and letting off their tension. Not a structured game, but any silly little interaction in which you express your affection and undying love in such a hammed-up way that it gets your child giggling. You'll find that three minutes invested in re-connecting this way can transform your evening.
5. Put healthy snacks in front of the kids as
soon as you walk in the door. Set up a low table in the kitchen that
your kids can sit at and draw and snack. Worried that you'll spoil
their appetites? Make sure the snacks are healthy. Crackers
with peanut butter,
cheese slices, carrots, olives, broccoli florets, raisins, bananas, apple slices, cucumber slices, cherry
tomatoes, red pepper slices, raw or cooked green beans, hard boiled
eggs, even a healthy smoothie.....anything nutritious that takes less
than five minutes to prepare. In fact, think of this snack as the
first course of dinner, and make sure your kids are getting protein or
vitamins from it. It's amazing how many more vegies kids consume when
they're served as a snack rather than competing with the carbs on the
dinner plate. Don't forget to feed yourself a bit as you prep dinner, so you
recharge your own batteries.
6. Are your kids antsy, not able to sit in one place to draw and
snack? Put them to work and tell them how much you value their help.
As you chop the vegies, they can put them in the bowl. Or they can get
ingredients out of the fridge for you. When it's time to eat, have
everyone set the table together.
7. What to do when your youngest is a baby or toddler who is just
too tired even to sit and snack in a high chair? Get out the baby
backpack and let her watch over your shoulder as you make dinner.
8.
Simplify. Don't answer your phone and don't return phone calls before
dinner. Don't go through the mail or complete school forms. Do not turn on your computer to "quickly check email." Just get
everyone fed as soon as possible. Once that's completed, everyone will
have more internal resources to draw on to tend to any other tasks that
need to be accomplished, including any kid chores.
9. Use the power of music. Research shows that music can lift our
moods, calm us down, make us happy. As soon as you walk in the door,
put on soothing music.
10. As a matter of simple survival, don't
spend more than 20 minutes getting dinner on the table. Anything
that's quick and nutritious is fine to serve for dinner on weeknights.
When you cook a meal on the weekend, why not cook several batches and
freeze some (Stews, soups, beans, lasagna, casseroles)? You should be
able to get out a frozen meal twice a week before you leave for work,
and just add a salad and bread that evening as the meal is heating.
The other three meals? Pasta, eggs, or broiled fish or meat. If your
gourmet sensibilities are offended by this simplicity, think about
what's more important -- an easy, happy family evening, or a gourmet
meal. You can always cook on weekends when you have all day and
(hopefully) adult backup.
I know it seems like extra work to cook and plan ahead. But the daily stress of being hungry and not knowing what you'll serve hungry kids for dinner can ruin your life and sabotage everything positive you do with your kids. If you're more of a free spirit, you don't have to plan, just look in your freezer every morning. If you can't find anything, make the decision right then: Will you order pizza or make scrambled eggs?
11. Feed young kids as early as possible. Seriously, why wait?
They're starving. They're tired. You need to get on with their baths
and get them to bed. Why not feed little ones at 5:30pm, 5pm, even
4:30pm? What if one spouse can't get home until later and the kids are
too young to wait? Feed the kids early. Finish homework, bathe
everyone. When the other spouse gets home, everyone can sit down for
Happy Hour together. Serve fresh fruit to the kids while Mom or Dad
eats. (Or maybe both parents eat at this point.) That way, kids get
some experience with family meals even during the week, and get to
connect with both parents, but they get fed at a developmentally
appropriate hour, they have time for a soothing bath, and they get to bed on time.
For more inspiration to transform your family evenings from Arsenic Hour to Magic Hour:
