"I'm struggling with how to enforce limits without a consequence. For example, brushing teeth -- she'll refuse. It's not reasonable for me to do it by force, so I tell her if she can't brush her teeth, I can't read a bedtime story to her. I do not understand how to set limits if there are no consequences for ignoring the limit."
Great question! How do we "make" our child
do what we want, if we don't use force? And brushing teeth is a perfect example, because I've never met a child who was internally motivated to brush
his teeth -- or a parent who hasn't been frustrated trying to get kids to brush. Naturally, we're tempted to threaten our child with punishment. That
is, in fact, the only way to "make" a human do something they don't want to do. But look at the cost:
These aren't results we want. But we do, at times, have to insist on certain things. For instance, brushing teeth. What can we do?
If you get upset, it moves your child into fight or flight, which makes you look like the enemy -- and makes her less likely to cooperate. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is NOT an emergency. You always have the power to calm the storm, or to inflame it.
"You really don't like brushing your teeth, do you, Sweetie? I hear you, it's boring to stand there and brush when you'd rather be playing."
"In this house, we all brush our teeth before bed. That keeps our teeth healthy."
"I bet when you're grown up you'll decide NEVER to brush your teeth! Or maybe you'll have toothpaste that tastes like something super delicious and you'll LOVE brushing!" Brain scans show that when we imagine having what we want, the brain indicates satisfaction as if we actually have it, so this helps your child feel better. And using imagination to "think" about the issue gives your child more access to the rational brain. Finally, you're showing her that you do care about her happiness, even when you can't say yes to what she wants.
Once you make it a game, you eliminate the stand-off. Unless kids are upset or tired, they can't resist an invitation to play. So get him giggling.
If you think outside the box -- and you have time to be creative -- you can always find a solution. Just your commitment to doing so will enlist your child in helping find one. ""Hmm... you don't want to brush... AND we need to keep those teeth clean so the sugar bugs don't eat holes in them....What can we do to make this work for both of us?"
If you stay calm, you can almost always find a win/win solution. Of course, what works this week will stop working next week, so finding new strategies will require creativity on your part. But as it becomes clear to your child that brushing is non-negotiable, there will be less resistance.
Does this sound like a lot of work? It is! We all wish our children would just do as we ask, without our having to dig deep for patience and creativity. Especially at the end of the day when we're tired.
But we're dealing with young human beings who don't have fully developed prefrontal cortexes. They don't yet understand why it's important to brush, and they're still in the very early stages of developing self-discipline. They develop that self-discipline neural wiring every time they CHOOSE to give up what they want (not brushing their teeth, in this case) for what they want more (a warm connection with us.) When we force them, they aren't making a choice, and they aren't developing self-discipline. In fact, they're developing resistance to our influence.
So yes, this is a lot of work. But it's not only much more pleasant than holding your child down or punishing her, it's better for your child's development. This isn't wasted time! It's connection time, it strengthens your relationship, and it helps your child develop self-discipline. And instead of teaching her that might makes right, you're teaching her some wonderful lessons:
What more could you ask?
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