"I was sent to my room as a child when I got emotional, so I always get upset myself when my son is upset, and then I make everything worse. Could you write more about emotion coaching? What do I actually do when my child is upset?"
When our children get upset, most of us get upset too. If the child is angry at us, we feel defensive; like the child's feelings are unwarranted. If he's upset at something else, we want to make him feel better, to make the emotions go away as quickly as possible.
But emotions aren't dangerous. The only way to resolve emotions is to go through them, and when your child is feeling big emotions, that's an important learning opportunity. Teaching your child a healthy approach to emotions means coaching him to be aware of his feelings, to accept them, and to express them responsibly.
Here's your game plan.
1. Calm yourself first.
2. Connect To Create Safety.
Your child needs to let himself feel those big emotions instead of stuffing them -- that's how they'll begin to heal. Your job is to help him feel safe, so he can let himself feel deeply.
3. Empathize.
Your empathy creates safety by helping your child feel understood. Match your child's tone. When kids feel that you really understand how upset they are, they can let themselves feel the emotions -- and they don't need to escalate.
4. Double-check to be sure your child feels understood by what you've said.
This way, you don't have to worry about whether you were able to accurately reflect your child's feelings. Just ask.
Your child may agree—“Of course I’m mad!”—and elaborate.
Your child may correct you: “I’m not disappointed! I’m mad!” In that case, try again. If possible, use your child's exact words so they know you're listening: “I’m sorry, Caleb. I see now how mad you are. Tell me more about why.”
Or your child may correct you—“I’m NOT MAD!”—even though it's clear that you were accurate in your perception.That's a signal that your child is feeling judged or analyzed rather than understood. Acknowledge the correction and start over, connecting more as you describe the child's perspective: “I hear you, Lucas. You’re not mad. Let me see if I understand. You wanted X. Is that right?”
Don’t fight about what your child is actually feeling. What's important is that she feels that you're on her side, trying to understand. Her awareness of what she's feeling will shift as she moves through the emotions.
5. Deepen the conversation to help your child feel understood.
You can do this by offering support, validating your child’s emotion, or simply inviting your child to tell you more. Validation doesn’t necessarily mean you agree, only that you understand why your child would feel this way.
Let yourself feel some of what your child is feeling, while you still stay centered. If you really feel the emotion with your child, then you may get tears in your eyes at how heartbreaking this must be for your child. This increases the connection between you and helps your child trust you.
6. Support Your Child To Problem-Solve.
Most of the time, when kids (and adults) feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. This leaves an opening for problem solving. You might say something like "This is a tough problem. I wonder what you could do now to make things better?"
Resist the urge to tell them what to do to solve the problem; that gives your child the message that you don't have confidence in their ability to handle it. If your child feels stuck, help them brainstorm and explore options.
If they suggest a solution that you think would lead to more problems, you might say: “Hmmm…. So you think you might do X. I wonder what would happen then?”
Of course, if you were part of the "problem" your child was upset about, feel free to suggest a solution: "I know it's disappointing that we can't practice your jump shot tonight because of my meeting. How about we make a deal to spend all morning on Saturday working on it?"
If your child still seems upset and negative and isn’t open to problem-solving, that’s a sign that he hasn’t worked through the emotions yet and you need to go back to the earlier steps.
Time consuming? Yes. But you'll notice that as you get more comfortable, you'll move through the steps quickly. Even better, you'll see your child get better at expressing emotions in a constructive way. Emotion coaching raises kids who are more emotionally intelligent and better at regulating their emotions. It also helps you stay calm when your child is upset, so it creates a more peaceful household.
Less drama, more solutions. And a lot more love.
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