If we saw our child's anger, frustration, or jealousy it would be easier, because at least we could understand that. But when he acts like a cold-blooded bully "for the fun of it" -- that strikes terror into our hearts. We're afraid that our child is becoming a monster.
But although he is acting monstrously, he is not a monster. This is our beloved child, showing us in the only way he knows that he desperately needs our help.
Most parents, though, don't realize their child needs help. They see the "bad" behavior and think the child should be able to "make better choices." But emotions always drive behavior, and young children need help with their big emotions, or they really can't control their behavior.
Unfortunately, most of us parents never learned how to manage our own feelings (except to numb ourselves using "little addictions" like food or screen time) because we didn't get that support in childhood ourselves. In fact, when our child cries or rages, it pushes all our buttons. Unbearable feelings swamp us. And not unlike our child lashing out when he feels overwhelmed, we, too, lash out to avoid our own feelings. Instead of helping our child with his feelings, we punish him. Or, if we realize that punishment will make things worse, we say sternly "No hitting! Hitting hurts!" and hope that's the end of it.
Except it isn't the end of it! You can count on him hitting her again, because he still has all those monstrous feelings. They war within him against his affection for his little sister. He will pat her gently and coo over her, and to his shock suddenly find himself gripped with the desire to clobber her. That doesn't mean he's a monster. It means he's a small child trying to manage feelings that have undone many older humans. As my son said about his baby sister when he was four, "I hate her. I don't know why. I just do." (Positive prognosis department: They're now young adults and adore each other.)
So the reason your child has a blank expression is because he is trying NOT to feel at those moments. What he feels -- the fear that he isn't good enough compared to the baby, the grief of having lost his special place in your family and in your heart -- is so upsetting to him that he can't bear it. When it starts to swamp him, he lashes out so he won't have to feel it. The reason his face looks blank is that he is trying to numb himself.
Unfortunately, every time he chooses to push her down instead of pat her gently, he deadens his empathy. Every time we respond with anger, his heart hardens more. Soon we see only a mask of numbness, the blank expression of a fortress.
How do we reach through that fortress to help our child reclaim his heart and his empathy? How do we help him manage his emotions so he can manage his behavior?
Most experts suggest that we start spending more time with him. That's essential. But "attention" is not enough to heal what's going on. Any child who repeatedly hits is showing that he feels like a monster, and he knows he can't trust us to understand his monstrous feelings. So he pushes all those terrible feelings down inside, but that means he's pushing away his good feelings, too. He disconnects from us.
So his "cup" is empty, but filling it is tough because he can't take in our love. First we have to build trust, safety and connection, and then we have to help him with his tangled up feelings. Here's how.
1. Connect with your child in healing ways.
Building trust and connection by spending half an hour every day just being 100% present with her is an essential start. Let her decide what to do with the time. Just pour your love into her and ignore all distractions. She will love being the center of your attention, knowing that making her happy matters that much to you. Maybe most important, she will see how much you delight in her, which is the foundation of her feeling of self-worth. Research shows that your strong relationship with each child is one of the most important factors in your children getting along with each other.
2. Build safety, and help him giggle out his worries, through play.
Every child needs to giggle every day, and a child who hits REALLY needs to giggle about aggression and fear, so any mock aggression games that get him giggling will be very healing and will strengthen your connection to him. Most kids will come up with the games they need: "Let's play I'm the monster and I'm scaring you!" Ham it up and act mock-terrified. What if he doesn't come up with a game? Start a pillow fight and act terrified of him when he comes after you with the pillow. If he giggles, you'll know you're on the right track.
You can also initiate a game of stuffed animals in which a new baby enters the family. He's likely to initiate misadventures that befall the baby, as it is accidentally fed to the sharks or thrown into the garbage. Don't suggest those "accidents" but don't be shocked by them, either. Play is nature's harmless way of helping children process their emotions, and anything that gets him giggling is helping him work through some of those same emotions that otherwise cause aggression. There are many more games on this Aha! Parenting website and in my book Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life.
3. Start a discussion.
If your child can put her feelings into words, she won't have to act them out. But young children aren't practiced at this, and they're pretty sure that their angry or jealous feelings aren't allowed. Be sure to acknowledge their experience, so they know that YOU know this is difficult for them and they are trying hard.
- "It must be so hard to wait when you need help with your train tracks, and my hands are busy with the baby."
- "It's hard to be a big sister sometimes. You are working so hard to be patient."
Another way to help your child surface her feelings is reading books that get the discussion going. Here's a whole page of books for older sibs about the new baby. Just be sure that the book shows that all feelings are allowed, but does NOT show siblings engaging in unkind behavior, which is not the role-modeling you want. Hopefully these books will also get her giggling, as the protagonist makes "forbidden" remarks about the new sibling.
While reading books together is a great way to get your child laughing, don't be surprised if she hurls the book across the room. If she doesn't want to have a discussion about what you're reading, you've struck a chord. Acknowledge her feelings gently: "You don't like this book! I wonder if sometimes you feel bad inside about OUR baby." You don't need to analyze whether what she feels is rage or jealousy. She's felt it all. Just acknowledge what you see: "You threw the book; you don't want to read it. It's upsetting to read about this family with the new baby, because sometimes it's upsetting that WE have a new baby."
4. When your child hits, go first to the sibling who is hurt.
You'll feel an urgent need to teach your little hitter a lesson, but just stop and take a breath. The child who needs you right now is the one who is hurt. You can talk to the hitter later; he isn't going anywhere. (You know where he lives!) Comforting your hurt child will move you into a more nurturing place, which is what you need to access when you deal with your hitter. I know, you want to punish him. But that's just your frustration. What you really want is to stop the hitting, and the only way to do that is to help him with his feelings. That means that you have to see it from his perspective, not see him as the enemy.
5. Help him get past his anger to the tears and fears beneath.
When your child hits, even if you don't see any sign of a specific emotion, you can trust that upsetting feelings are driving his actions. After you make sure your other child is ok, your goal is to help your child surface the feelings that drove the hitting, so he can "show" them to you. The good news about human emotions is that once we feel them in the safe presence of a compassionate witness, the emotions begin to evaporate.
So move right in close, get down on his level, and look him in the eyes, which are indeed the windows to his soul. You may see only a blank expression. Keep breathing and remind yourself that he is a good kid who needs your help, so that you can stay kind and calm. Empathize. "That was hard.... Your sister was crying... I see you felt bad.... Tell me about it."
Create a safe space for him to show you how he feels. It's lonely behind that mask of his. If he doesn't speak up, begin describing what you think he might feel: "I wonder if it's hard for you sometimes, to have the baby in our family now..."
As you summon up all your compassion and try to see it from his point of view, his anger will break through his numbness and he may begin to shout at you about how much he hates you, or his sister, or his life. That's good; anger dissolves the numbness. Tell him that it's ok to be angry, that you want to hear more about it. Stay calm, and kind, and empathize: "Oh, Sweetie, you feel like I'm mean, and never understand? I'm so sorry. That must hurt so much." You won't need a lot of words, just your own open heart.
As you really see how much pain your child is in, you will probably have tears in your eyes, which is part of what will move him into his own tears. The goal is to create enough safety with your empathy that he's able to cry, which is what will dissolve the anger. Once he breaks through to his fear, he may also writhe and struggle and yell and sweat. That's what happens as fear moves through us. Eventually, your child will be crying in your arms.
6. Support the part of your child that is doing such brave battle inside.
Part of your child does lash out at the younger sibling. But part of your child would protect her little brother if anyone else threatened him, and never wants to hurt him. Ally with that part of her. That means, notice every positive thing she does, especially (but not only) in relationship to her sibling, and say what you see:
"When you showed the baby your toy, he looked so happy."
"You are patting so gently."
"The baby always laughs more for you than anyone. He thinks you're wonderful."
7. Encourage the sibling bond, to strengthen the part of your child that wants to protect his sibling.
Play games where the two of them team up against you. Make a book with photos of them having fun and read it regularly. Encourage them to make drawings
for each other. Help each one make or buy small presents for the other, even if the baby doesn't really understand what's going on. Let your older
child be important in the baby's life by helping in ways that make him happy: "It sounds like your baby woke up; let's go get her." Reduce
rivalry in every way you can think of, such as by saying "As soon as my hands are free, I want to help you with that" rather than "I'm busy with your sister right now, I will help you next."
Sit your older child on the couch next to you and put the baby in his lap. Teach him how to "smell" the top of her head. Some researchers believe that the pheromones given off by the top of a baby's head disable our aggressive impulses (an adaptation that made it more likely for babies to survive and pass on their genes.) The more often your older child inhales your baby's pheromones, the more protective he will be of her.
It is our responsibility to keep our children safe. We might think you should be able to leave a nine month old alone with a four year old, but right now, as you have learned, you can't. Wishing things were different is a disservice to both of your children. Just don't do it, and stop resenting it. Train yourself to say, "OUCH! I am so sorry I wasn't here to keep everyone safe."
I'm not saying to blame yourself when someone gets hurt. I'm suggesting that we need to take responsibility for prevention, just as we would with any other danger. When he pets her, move in close. Smile and say "I am right here, Sweetie. I will help you be gentle." When you notice that he's getting cranky, cuddle with him in his chill-out-nook to help him refuel, or encourage him to spend some replenishing quiet time there himself. If he does hurt her, take your share of the responsibility that you weren't there to help him with his feelings and prevent it. That will make him less defensive, so it's easier for him to take his share of the responsibility.
Sounds hard? It is. But remember, your child didn't ask for a sibling. You're laying the foundation now for your children's relationship with each other for the rest of their lives. When you help your child with his complicated feelings about his sibling, you're helping him work through the jealousy and fear to reclaim his empathy, so he begins to care when his sibling hurts. By creating a safe space for your child to clear out those painful emotions, you're giving love a chance to grow.
Want more support to reduce sibling rivalry and create a family culture of love and appreciation? You'll find the blueprints you need in my book Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life.
“A phenomenal book for parents with multiple children! Dr. Markham addresses all of the common sibling issues with sensible solutions to bring peace and foster healthy relationships between siblings. This book will be my constant companion for years to come."--Rebecca Eanes, author of Lasting Bonds: Building Connected Families Through Positive Parenting